On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about lying about birth control.

This is Jessica Skultety. I’m an Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.

So, today’s question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, What if someone lies about using birth control?”

Here’s the key: sexual partners always have to agree on all forms of protection and birth control, at all times. This means that they have to communicate back and forth and be on the same page at all times, for sexual activity to be considered consensual and legal. 

If someone lies about using birth control or protection of some kind, that is a kind of sexual violence called reproductive coercion. Here are a few more examples of this:

1.     Guilting someone into not using birth control for any reason

2.     Hiding birth control from someone so they can’t find it

3.     Poking holes in condoms or tampering with other forms of birth control in other ways, like flushing pills, removing it, etc.

4.     Forcing someone to get pregnant, or forcing them to have an abortion

5.     Removing protection including condoms sneakily during sexual activity

6.     Lying about being on birth control to try to get pregnant without informing their partner

Consent or permission for sexual activity always has to be FRIES – F-R-I-E-S.

This means: consent has to be F for freely given, so there is no pressure from either partner. 

It has to be R or reversible or changeable at any point during sexual activity so you can change your mind, and so can your partner.

Consent has to be I for informed, which means that everyone knows what they’re agreeing to, and that there are no tricks. 

E is for “everyone agrees,” 

and S for specific. This means that consent is ongoing – partners only agree to one thing at a time.

So, if someone lies about using or not using birth control, their partner isn’t informed and hasn’t been given the chance to change their mind. Plus, there’s a chance that everyone wouldn’t agree anymore because one person lied. 

Birth control isn’t just about pregnancy for people who can get pregnant. Some kinds of birth control also provide protection from STIs, or Sexually Transmitted Infections, or you might have heard the word Sexually Transmitted Diseases or STDs. 

We also want to emphasize that removing protection including condoms sneakily during sex is sexual assault and it is not okay. TV shows and movies sometimes show this happening, but not always the real-life effects of this action on the survivor or violence. If someone sneakily removes birth control, it could result in pregnancy, the spread of an STD, emotional trauma and mistrust of the partner and future sexual partners.

 If you are trying to protect from pregnancy or STDs, and your partner has lied or tricked you, pharmacies or places like Planned Parenthood clinics can talk to you about options like the Plan B or emergency contraception pill, or prophylaxis pills that prevent some infections. In New Jersey, there are no longer any age restrictions for the Plan B pill for age, and some health insurances actually cover the cost. You can also get testing for sexually transmitted infections. Check with the pharmacy or Planned Parenthood or your doctor to find out more.

Overall, lying about birth control is never okay. There is help available if this is something you or a friend are going through. You can reach out for supportive listening or counseling after sexual assault. 

If it’s 5 days afterwards and you are at least 13 years old, you can activate the free Sexual Assault Response Team in New Jersey by calling 866-685-1122. You get to choose if you would like to work with any or all of the 3 service providers. There is an advocate or person who supports you, law enforcement, and/or a forensic nurse examiner. Remember, lying about birth control is a form of sexual violence, and it violates the other person’s bodily freedom and choices. 

To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning. 

Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.