How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
This week, we're talking about the many ways to help a friend or family member experiencing dating or domestic abuse.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County New Jersey’s lead domestic violence organization, providing safety, hope and healing to survivors for 41 years. As part of the SPEAK Community Outreach and Violence Prevention program, I have the opportunity to educate and have deep discussions with preteens, teens, and adults about healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships.
When 1 out of 3 teens experiences dating abuse before high school graduation, it’s all of our responsibility to work together to end abuse once and for all. The Ask Ava series, developed by teens in our SPEAK Teen Leadership Camps, is designed to connect with and educate teens about teen dating abuse and healthy relationships. We'll be answering this week's question with a deeper look here on our podcast. Listen alone, with a family member or trusted adult, or friend to get answers, gain more information about this important topic and learn about resources for teens and those that care about them.
Today's question from local teens: Dear Ava: How do I help my friend in an abusive relationship? Is it my right to tell them that their relationship seems abusive?
So, helping a friend is one of the topics we get the most questions about in the community. As a friend, you notice behaviors and warning signs that adults may not. If your friend is in denial about the level of safety in their dating relationship, or you feel uncomfortable around their dating partner, please don't hesitate talk to your friend privately. Your feelings matter and you care about your friend.
When you talk to your friend, don't tell you’re your friend to break up with their partner. This is a common response that teens and adults suggest when we present about domestic violence in the community. Think about what they might say if you tell them to break up: “How could you say that? I love them! This isn’t your business. You’re supposed to care about me and support me.” They will shut down, right?
If you focus on the behavior you see, you can help open up your friend’s eyes. Say something like, “I noticed that your boyfriend or girlfriend is constantly texting you all the time and expecting immediate answers. You seem anxious and it makes me anxious too. Is everything okay?” Open up this conversation with your friend and let them know that you care and that you are here to talk to them. Let them know about the danger of abuse getting worse, but let them make their own decisions because they haven't been able to do this during their relationship. You can give them information from Safe+Sound Somerset or even suggest sitting with them to call or text our hotline together to get more information.
You never know what else is going on in someone else’s relationship and bringing attention to red flags, or warning signs, can prevent abuse from getting worse, as it often does. If someone is in danger, please don’t wait – get a trusted adult involved right away and call 911.
Whenever you're supporting a friend, don't contact their abuser. This could make it more unsafe for your friend, as you might imagine, even if this person is an ex, and it could expose you to danger, too. Call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline at 866-685-1122 for more information and support.
Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.