Friends series - "If your friend treats you badly, should you confront them?"
Friends series - "If your friend treats you badly, should you confront them?"
Today, as part of a series on Friends, we're talking about signs of unhealthy and abusive friendships. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization offering services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “If your friend treats you badly, should you confront them about the situation?”
Just like romantic relationships of all kinds, friendships can be unhealthy or abusive. Why is this so important? We often get questions from preteens and teens in the community about unhealthy friendships, so this is obviously something that's clearly very common.
Should you confront a friend who doesn’t treat you right? Maybe they’ve called you names, or shared your secrets, or spread rumors about you. These are just a few examples. If you feel safe, speak up! It’s important to let your friend know that you’ve been mistreated.
If you don’t feel safe, though, consider confiding in a trusted adult for advice on how to handle the situation. Abuse or bullying behavior often get worse, so ignoring the behavior might make it worse in the long run. If there’s an emergency, of course, call 911. If you tell your friend and then they consider mistreating you, seriously consider if that friendship is healthy and safe for you.
Here’s why.
In the last Ask Ava episode we talked about what makes a healthy friendship, which involves friends having equal power and control. When the balance tips and one friend purposefully gains power and control over the other, that’s when things become potentially unsafe, unfair, and damaging with lasting effects on your health and safety. And you matter.
So think about how you want to feel when you’re with a friend. Do you want to feel respected? Part of a group? Able to communicate? Safe? Trusted? Comfortable? Accepted? Understood? Happy? Probably all or many of those things. How about unsafe? Embarrassed? Pressured? Smothered? Threatened? Shut out or ignored? Probably not.
What are some other signs of an unhealthy friendship? If your friend makes fun of you or others, you’re nervous to tell them secrets, or they ask you to share your phone or social media passwords. Does your friend make fun of other people, or make fun of you for liking or dating someone? They might think everything is a joke and as a result this hurts your feelings, even if you don’t want to tell them.
If these things happen more than once (or in a pattern), and/or they make the other friend feel fearful, unsafe, or anxious, this is also a form of bullying or abusive behavior. This is when someone purposefully gains power and control over someone else. It can happen in friendships and dating relationships. Some more abusive friendship signs:
-Someone who constantly puts down the other friend and calls them names
-Your friend blackmails you (for example – if you don’t do this, I’ll share these photos or tell your secret or hurt myself)
-You’re afraid of your friend’s temper and feel like you always have to agree with them
-Cyberbullying and harassment through technology
-Your friend constantly makes you feel guilty about hanging out with other friends or your dating partner, or tells you that you can’t hang out with other people
-Stalking, either in person or online.
You matter and you deserve a healthy friendship. Speak up if you can, but also know when to reach out for support. For example, you can call the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline for supportive listening, safety planning, and information at 866-685-1122.
Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.