Today, we’re talking about protection when dating abuse continues after the relationship ends, or with an ex. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: How can I protect myself after the relationship has ended?
Unfortunately, just because a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean dating abuse automatically ends in every situation. When someone leaves an abusive relationship, they’ve gained some of their power back (that their partner had before). The abusive partner may retaliate or try to control the target in the short or long term. When someone leaves a relationship like this, not only does abuse from an ex sometimes continue, but it can get even more dangerous and become more severe over time.
Many times abuse continues even after the ABUSER is in a new relationship. Unfortunately there’s no time frame for this since every relationship, casual or serious, is different, so it’s good to be prepared for your own safety.
Some ways that a partner might experience abuse from an ex include: stalking virtually or in person, sending threatening messages, communicating with friends and family against your wishes, getting their friends involved to harass you, blaming you for everything that went wrong in the relationship, displaying weapons, blackmail, sabotaging your new dating relationships, sharing your private information online, and threatening to hurt someone or commit suicide.
In terms of protection - if anything happens that make you feel unsafe, you may be able to file for a restraining order against an ex. This option is available for teens and adults. Text or call our 24 hour hotline for more information and for supportive listening from our Hotline Advocates – our number is 866-685-1122.
Another thing to consider as the relationship is ending - Let a trusted adult know what’s going on -this could be a parent, family member, teacher, coach etc. You might want to talk to a friend too, but having an adult involved is important too in case abusive behavior escalates – it becomes more intense or more common. A trusted adult can look out for you and know when to get law enforcement involved if necessary. In an emergency, call 911.
Finally, create your own personalized safety plan. We’ve talked about the importance of creating your own safety plan in other Ask Ava podcasts. This isn’t just for when you’re feeling unsafe in a relationship – this can be useful afterwards, too. Some parts of your safety plan might include – having a list at all times of phone numbers and address of people you can trust, having a copy of your restraining order, identify ways to safely get out of your house and other locations you go often, finding a safe place to stay in case of an emergency, blocking your abuser’s number, and much more.
We have more guidelines for how to stay safe from your abuser at home, in school, and online on our website, www.safe-sound.org/teen-safety-planning. Call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline to safety plan with our Hotline Advocates at 866-685-1122. Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava.
Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.