Today, as part of a series on Healthy Relationships, we're exploring ways to disagree respectfully when you’re dating someone, whether it’s casual or serious. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: "How do you argue respectfully in a healthy relationship?"
Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking that healthy, lasting relationships never have arguments. Disagreements will ALWAYS come up due to human nature. We’re human! When you're in a relationship, there's always two different ways of life coming together, and two different opinions – sometimes these opinions are the same, sometimes they are not. Expect this from the beginning and you won’t be surprised!
So how do you manage it? How can teens be respectful of their dating partners while still being heard? Some of this comes down to the teen equality wheel linked on our website, www.safe-sound.org/. Listening non-judgmentally, empathy for the other person, and compromise are the key. In a healthy relationship, each person should have equal power and control. They give each other space and time to make decisions, and they compromise when disagreements come up. They also lift each other up, rather than put them down. They listen non-judgmentally, value each other’s feelings and opinions even if they disagree, and they try to understand the other side even if they don’t agree with it.
When partners argue in an unhealthy way – they might insult each other verbally or physically hurt them. They might make the other person feel unsafe due to words or actions, or threats including blackmail or physical harm. These things are never okay.
How do partners argue in a healthy way? Here are 3 easy steps.
Step 1: talk things out. Don't give your partner the cold shoulder or ghost them and avoid bringing up the issue. This could make it worse when eventually it's bound to come out some other way. Be direct and talk about the issue.
Step 2: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and listen non-judgmentally. This is showing empathy - really thinking about that person's experience and what they might need. Practicing empathy is a huge part of understanding someone else's feelings so that you can better support them.
Most people are not good at this right from the start – it takes practice. Can you think about where your partner came from? How they grew up? Reasons why they might believe what they believe?
If you need time to think and need to step away, tell them. Stepping away and coming back to the disagreement can be healthy, too. It gives partners the ability to think rather than react.
Use words like “I” instead of “you” so it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming your partner. Try to explain how you feel and why while taking into consideration your partner’s experience, too.
Step 3: try to compromise. Lay out everything on the table – what does each person want? How does each person get something out of the final agreement? Sometimes, partners agree to disagree. The issue may come up again, but not everything is always solved right away especially if it's a long term relationship. If this happens, it doesn't meant that the relationship is unhealthy. Each partner is still an individual person so there can't always be a compromise. Sometimes partners can agree to disagree and still remain in a relationship. This takes a level of maturity and it’s very possible.
If your partner is using your words against you, putting you down, and using your words to mistreat you or others in any way, that is not okay. Anger happens - it's ok to let off steam, but if you do it in a violent way in front of the other person, such as punching or hitting something, it could be perceived as a threat. We’ll look at that topic in a future Ask Ava episode.
If you’re feeling threatened by your partner and the way they disagree with you, text or call the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline for supportive listening, safety planning, and information at 866-685-1122. Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.