Today, as part of a series on Healthy Relationships, we're exploring how to set boundaries with technology in relationships and friendships. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: My boyfriend expects me to answer my texts immediately, but it makes me feel so anxious. What should I do?
Boundaries are so important. If you feel safe to do so, talk to them about it and set some boundaries for your relationship. This is actually a good thing – and if the person doesn’t respect those boundaries, then this may be a unhealthy relationship.
Let’s say a teen is out at the movies with friends, but keeps getting text messages from their dating partner. The messages say things like, “who are you with? Where are you? If you were a better boy or girlfriend, you’d be answering me. You should be here with me. You never hang out with me.” If constant messages are coming in all the time, every day, and/or the person is expecting immediate replies, this could be a warning sign of an abusive relationship.
Here's why.
Imagine that the person receiving messages is already anxious around their dating partner – maybe they fear how they will react to things in anger, or they’ve been blackmailed to stay in the relationship.
Sometimes teens tells us, “well, if someone is constantly texting, the other person can just shut their phone off and enjoy the movie.” Can this person turn their phone off and enjoy the movie, without being anxious and fearful that their partner might show up at the movies, might bother them the rest of the night, might make them feel guilty afterwards, or might punish them somehow?
They probably can’t just shut off the phone, right?
So, how do you start setting boundaries with friends and dating partners? First, you have to speak up, as long as you feel safe to do so. People don’t know what you want if you don’t say it. Once a middle school age student told us that her friend kept taking her laptop and using it without permission, every time they hung out. This friend assumed she had permission, whether it be because she was a friend or something else. The student who was concerned didn’t know what to do.
Be clear about what you want. In the example I just described, you could say, “can you ask me before you take my laptop? Sometimes I need it and I’d appreciate if you ask me.” Something called an I statement can be helpful here. This is focusing on how you feel versus using the word “you” and sounding like you’re blaming the other partner
If your partner is constantly messaging you all the time, here’s one way to set a boundary, “I’ve been getting a lot of messages from you, and I can’t always text you back right away because I’m busy or with family or friends or doing schoolwork. I’d appreciate it if you gave me some space to answer when I can.”
Once your friend or partner responds, hold your ground. If they agree to what you say, make sure they don’t take advantage in the future, and if they do, speak up and remind them of your agreement. If they don’t agree to your request, but you feel very strongly that you need something else, speak up. If they hold something over your head or make it about their needs, they could be taking advantage of you for their own gain. Remember, power should be equal in a healthy relationship.
It's best to set these boundaries early on in the relationship or friendship if you can.
If you’re afraid of your friend’s or partner’s response, or they don’t respect your boundaries that’s a huge warning sign that this might be an unhealthy relationship for you.–
Text or call the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline for supportive listening, safety planning, and information at 866-685-1122. Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.