Today, we're talking about the warning signs of abusive teen relationships and the difference between unhealthy and abusive. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?
There’s a difference between unhealthy and abusive. Probably every relationship has unhealthy behaviors at some point. It can become a serious problem if those unhealthy behaviors pile up, if they happen in a pattern and/or repeatedly, they create an abusive environment for the other partner. This means that the partner may feel like they have to tiptoe around the other in fear of what they say or do – that the other person might become mad and continue or escalate their abusive behavior. It also makes it difficult for the target to leave the relationship should they want to.
Abuse is all about power and control – one person purposefully tries to gain it over the other, and it’s never okay.
So, what are some warning signs of an abusive relationship? Extreme jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness is one – some examples of this are pressuring you to dress in a different way to attract less attention from others, accusing you of cheating, attacking other people who look at you or flirt with you. On social media, this might sound like, “Why are you posting that selfie? Are you trying to attract attention?” or “Post a picture of the two of us so everyone knows we’re together.” Or, “Don’t post anything to make me look bad.”
Some other warning signs of an abusive relationship are: constantly putting you down or insulting you or calling you names in public or private, checking your phone or email without permission, making false accusations, blaming you for their own wrongdoing, blaming behavior on drug or alcohol use, physically hurting you or threatening to hurt you, pressuring you or blackmailing you to engage in sexual activities, use substances, or do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Another common warning sign is isolating you from friends or family or making you feel guilty about seeing them. This means purposefully keeping you away from your support system. For example, a partner might say, “well, your friends don’t like me, so you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore,” or constantly saying things like, “you always hang out with your friends, you have to spend more of your time with me.” You should be spending time with other people outside of your relationship, and your partner should even be encouraging that.
For all of these warning signs we just talked about - even if someone says they are “just joking,” these things can be scary and threatening to the other partner.
Sometimes we see that our friends might be in abusive dating relationships and we don’t know exactly how to talk to them about it. Remember, if you get a gut feeling that things aren’t right, they probably aren’t. Reach out and talk to your friend, and look for information. You can listen to our past Ask Ava episodes on this topic. You can also call or text our hotline for information and tips on talking to your friend. Abuse can and often does get worse, so it’s important to reach out.
If any of the warning signs we mentioned are happening in your relationship, know that you aren’t alone and it isn’t your fault. Please contact the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 hotline through call or text to talk to an experienced Hotline Advocate about your specific situation. Our number is 866-685-1122.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.