Today, as part of our winter holiday series, we’re talking about healthy boundaries and communication for a healthy relationship during times of stress (but also anytime!).
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: I’m stressed out! How do I make sure my relationship is healthy?
Boundaries are key, especially when times are stressful. This holiday season, 2020, will likely be more stressful with the reality of the COVID-19 pandemic. If you’re concerned that your stress is affecting your relationship, this a good time to directly communicate with your partner and talk about concerns and your plans for the holiday season. Acknowledging stress, good communication, and compromise are important in healthy relationships.
First, let’s talk about some good boundaries to set over the winter holidays. With your romantic partner, wherever you are in the relationship (casual, serious, etc.), it’s important to have an open discussion about what your plans are for holiday events. Maybe one partner is expecting to hang out a lot together, but the other partner has a lot of family obligations.
In a healthy partnership, each person will be understanding of the other person’s obligations. If you’re worried about finding time to hang out together and be together, plan a couple of special dates together in advance. Plan things to look forward to after the holidays, too, and in the new year. Having something to look forward to is key when you’re stressed.
To set a boundary, be clear about what you need. Telling someone directly – in person, if possible – is the best way. Compromise is important, too. If your partner wants to spend more time with you, make plans and try your best to stick to them. Remember that they should also be understanding of whatever obligations (family, schoolwork, work, etc.) that you have. If they are pressuring you constantly, that’s not healthy. Keep all of this in mind in your reactions to your partner’s plans and ideas, too.
Be upfront if you are stressed out about something. If this is a healthy partnership, your partner will want to hear that something is worrying you, and will try to help, reassure, or support you. In both casual and serious relationships, we look for comfort and support, so don’t be afraid to share your concerns with your partner.
When it comes to the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s important to maintain the physical boundaries that you are comfortable with. Keep following CDC recommendations, wear masks, and avoid large parties and gatherings. It can be hard when one person in a relationship doesn’t follow the guidelines or take the virus as seriously as others.
Remember that your personal wellbeing and safety are the most important thing, always, and you have the right to say no to going to parties, gatherings, or events if you don’t want to go or don’t feel safe. A romantic partner who is healthy understands this and doesn’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do.
Communication and compromise are so important all the time, and also during the holiday season! Stay tuned to the next several episodes of Ask Ava where we talk more about the holidays and relationships, including parents not accepting your partner, healthy gift giving, and healthy relationship goals for a new year.
Call or text the S+SS 24/7 hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening and information.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.