Episode 38: Holiday series - "Is It Healthy if my Partner Gives Me a Gift, and Expects Something in Return?"
Episode 38: Holiday series - "Is It Healthy if my Partner Gives Me a Gift, and Expects Something in Return?"
Today, as part of our winter holiday series, we’re talking about healthy and unhealthy gift giving. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: Is it healthy if my partner gives me a gift, and expects something in return?
No, this is not healthy, whether it happens over the holidays or anytime. Gift giving and receiving is supposed to feel good! Healthy gift giving means not expecting anything in return and not pressuring someone in any way. If your partner demands a certain gift, a sexual favor, or a commitment to the relationship from you in return, this is a warning sign that this might not be a healthy relationship for you. So let’s dive in.
Gift giving can be a tricky part of any romantic relationship. It can be all positive, on one hand – maybe your partner gifts you something really wonderful, and you cherish and use it for a long time. But sometimes, gift giving can be stressful and full of guilty feelings from either person – and during the winter holidays, when gift giving is often a tradition, you might be feeling this way, and that’s okay.
So, what does healthy gift giving look like? Here’s one example:
When someone doesn’t expect something in return. You should be giving a gift with “no strings attached” or no expectations. Even if it’s a tradition to give gifts in your family or with friends, it might not be that way for your romantic partner. Accepting that possibility from the beginning is important if you’re hoping for a gift.
Also, keep in mind that not everyone has money to give gifts, OR to buy gifts that cost a certain amount. Healthy gift giving is understanding that, and being appreciative of any gift you might get, even if it’s not something you expected. It’s not about the price – it’s about the thought.
If you’re concerned about making your partner feel appreciated, but you have limited finances, there are lots of free and DIY or do-it-yourself gifts that are bound to be romantic and appreciated! So get your creativity going, consider get your friends involved, and see what you can come up with.
On the flip side, unhealthy gift giving is bugging someone to give a you a gift (or the opposite – your partner is doing this to you). This is different from if your partner asks you and you give hints or tell them what you want.
Something else that isn’t healthy is when someone demands something in return. If your partner says or hints at something like, “I gave you a gift, so we need to take another step in our relationship”- that’s a warning sign. This is blackmail, or trying to force you to do something by playing with your feelings and giving you a gift. You never have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you can always change your mind. Don’t forget! This includes anything physical or sexual that you don’t feel ready for, or a commitment to continue the relationship.
Remember, you have the right to say no and to change your mind. This applies to anything in your relationship. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. So speak up and say no and make your voice heard if you feel safe to do so. If you don’t feel safe, that’s a signal that you need to get an adult involved.
For healthy gift giving - it’s always respectful to thank someone for a gift, right? Maybe one partner surprises the other person. Even if it’s not a gift you expected (or even if it’s not one you like!), a thank you is important to a healthy relationship.
Another healthy thing is taking cues, or listening or seeing your partner and their personality. For example, if you know your partner doesn’t like being at parties or opening gifts in front of people, maybe give them a gift when it’s just the two of you. That kind of extra thought can make your relationship even stronger. Keep these things in mind, and you’ll give and receive gifts respectfully!
Call or text the S+SS 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening and information.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.