Today, as part of our winter holiday series, we’re talking about arguing in public. This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: How much arguing is “too much” in front of company?
Arguing is a common question from teens in our community – how much arguing is too much? Where should we argue? It’s hard to say for sure though there are some things to keep in mind.
All relationships have arguments. Partners don’t agree on everything. Even the most loving, healthy long term partnerships and marriages have disagreements. There are ways to argue respectfully, which maintains a healthy relationship. For example, partners don’t make the other person feel unsafe, they don’t put the other person down or call them names, and they communicate their boundaries. Maybe someone needs to step away or walk away for a bit before they talk more. We have a whole episode dedicated to this topic - after listening here, check out episode 22 of Ask Ava: “How Do You Argue Respectfully in a Healthy Relationship?”
So, back to today’s question: is it okay to argue in front of company? There’s really no right or wrong answer here though it’s guaranteed that people will consider it impolite or inappropriate if you argue. It also might depend on why you are gathering – for example, at something like a funeral - that would be very inappropriate to argue out in the open. Even at a holiday dinner or party, others might get frustrated. Either way, your company will likely be uncomfortable.
This teen asked, “how much arguing is too much?” Again, it’s hard to say and might depend on your relationship and who your company is.
At a holiday gathering, disagreements with your partner can be tricky. You might want to save your argument for after the gathering. You can gracefully put it off by saying, “I hear you’re upset, and I want to listen to you. Can we wait until later so that I can give you my full attention?” Sometimes it’s helpful to actually schedule a time to have conversations that you know will cause disagreements. Then you and your partner can both get in the right headspace, set up boundaries, and give each other your full attention.
If your partner insists on talking now, during a holiday gathering, ask if you can go outside or in a different room. Remember that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If your partner makes you scared though or feel unsafe with threats or warnings, do not go in another private room. If this is the case, this is a warning sign that you might want to get someone else involved, like a trusted adult – it would be best not to be alone with your partner if you feel unsafe. Trust your gut – if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Call or text the S+SS 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening and information.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.