Today, we’re answering questions from teens when they’ve felt guilt after finding out that a friend was in a toxic or abusive relationship.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: What if I feel guilty because I missed warning signs in my friend’s relationship?
Sometimes, as a friend, you might find out later that your friend was in a toxic or unsafe relationship. Or maybe something bad happened to your friend, and you’re upset because you didn’t notice any warning signs.
First, it’s important to know that most teens never disclose or tell about abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or NCADV, only about 33% of survivors of teen dating abuse ever tell anyone about it. This could be for many reasons – maybe they feel unsafe to do so or have been threatened, maybe they don’t realize it’s abuse, or maybe they are full of shame or embarrassment.
Also, abuse can be hard to see so it's common to miss the warning signs. Some of these warning signs might be: dressing or acting differently, making excuses for their partner, avoiding hanging out with friends and family, worries about texting their partner back right away or anxious about their partner’s reactions, and unexplained or strange explanations for bruises or marks.
Know that abuse is about manipulation, including the manipulation of people outside the relationship, like you. People who use abuse will often act differently when they are with their partner's friends. For example, some people who use abuse in their relationships are know as charming individuals who are often generally well-liked in social situations. This can cause confusion for the other partner (or, your friend). It also makes it more likely that if your friend discloses that they are experiencing abuse, any friends, like you, might have trouble believing them.
Remember, abuse is a choice and is the abuser’s fault, and responsibility to stop those behaviors. It’s not your fault as the friend, and it’s not the target’s fault, either.
Here’s what you can do moving forward, then: check in with your friend. See how they are doing. Offer to go with them for help if they are in the relationship and struggling with the short or long term effects of being a survivor of abuse. Talk to your friends about dating abuse warning signs so that you are all more likely to notice them in the future.
If you DO notice warning signs of a toxic relationship, trust your gut feeling! If you think something is off in a friend’s relationship, you’re probably right. Reach out and talk to them in private about the behaviors that make you uncomfortable.
If you need support in being a good friend, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline to speak with an expert. Call or text 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning. Also, check out our other Ask Ava episodes about helping a friend.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.