Episode 51: Helping a Friend series - "How Can I Be an Active Bystander in Difficult Situations?"
Episode 51: Helping a Friend series - "How Can I Be an Active Bystander in Difficult Situations?"
Today, as part of our series on Helping a Friend, we’re answering questions from teens about what an active bystander does, and how to intervene in difficult situations. Spoiler alert: you don’t always have to directly intervene to help the situation have a good outcome!
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: How can I be an active bystander in difficult situations?
This is a great question! Teens often ask us “what’s the best way to approach difficult situations?” Whether your friend is in a toxic relationship, a friend’s behavior changes for the worse, or you are witness to some kind of event or emergency involving a stranger, there’s always a way to intervene. At some point in your life, you will be in a situation where you consider intervening – in fact, this will likely happen many times.
The bystander effect is a real thing. This is when something is clearly wrong or happening and, since other people are around, we avoid helping. We talked a lot more about the bystander effect and the other reasons you might NOT get involved in the last episode of Ask Ava.
Here’s the good news: You CAN get involved in a difficult situation in many different ways.
What is an active bystander? This is someone who DOES SOMETHING when they see something wrong or feel that a situation is getting worse or escalating. They don’t wait for someone else to jump in first. An active bystander is aware of their surroundings and calmly figures out the best way to intervene.
Here’s the key: we don’t always have to directly intervene or get involved to help in a difficult situation. There are a lot of ways to intervene, and those are the 5 Ds of Bystander Intervention, which were developed by Hollaback! at ihollaback.org.
The first D is DIRECT. This is the way of getting involved that MOST people think of first. Direct involvement can be physical, like getting in the way of someone who is being hurt, holding someone back, or actually fighting back physically. Since we are a nonviolent organization, we don’t recommend that last one.
You can also directly intervene with words. Maybe someone is shouting offensive names at someone else - you could simply say, “stop,” or explain why those words aren’t okay.
The second D is DISTRACT. This could be like saying, “Hey, look over there!” or changing the subject. You’re actively doing things to diffuse, or calm, or change an intense situation.
The third D is DELEGATE. This can mean getting help from someone else when you see a crisis. Is there an adult around, or someone who is in charge? Depending on the situation, going to get help from someone else is a really good idea.
Delegating can also be giving instructions to others around you. If someone falls off their bike and looks really hurt, you might delegate to the people who crowd around them. You could say to one person, “Can you call 911?” and to another, “Can you go get some ice packs?”
The fourth D is DOCUMENT. This means writing down or typing out the details of what happened and when. You might also document a situation by taking video, but ONLY if someone is already actively helping the person in crisis. Video could be useful in certain situations, but you do not want to post that on the internet. Taking screenshots of cyberbullying is also a way to document.
The fifth and last D is called DELAY. This is when you talk to someone after the situation has happened. Ask how they are doing and validate their feelings. If something has happened at school, you could offer to go WITH this person to report it.
You can learn more about the 5Ds by visiting www.ihollaback.org. The best way to remember all of this is: if a situation is getting worse, or if a crisis is happening, you can always do something to intervene – and it doesn’t have to be direct, especially if you don’t feel safe.
To talk with an expert on dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.