Today, as part of a series on consent, we’re answering questions from local teens about consent, or permission, in a relationship.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today’s question from local teens is: “Do I have to have sex if I’m in a relationship?”
We get questions like this often. Here are some other examples: “My partner says we should have sex because we’ve been together for so long.” And, “Is it true my partner can touch me a certain way because we’re dating?”
The answers to all of these are no: these are not true. You do not have to do anything sexual at all if you don’t want to, even in a relationship. Consent for sexual activity is never automatic.
Giving consent, or permission, for sexual activity is an essential topic for EVERYONE! Consent can also be other things, such as saying, “Yes, I’ll go to that party with you,” or “Yes, you can use my phone.” But, we most often hear consent related to sexual activity.
Consent is for everyone to understand fully – no matter if your relationship that’s casual or serious, and however you define or think of dating. Even if you’re not dating yet, you might have a friend in a relationship.
The age that a person can legally consent to sex, also known as the age of the consent, is different in every state in the United States, and in different countries. In New Jersey, the age of consent is 16 for relationships with peers. You can look up the age of consent in your area as well as other laws that protect minors and victims of sexual violence.
You get to decide when you are ready for any kind of sexual activity, and it can be for any reason. A respectful partner who treats you equally in a relationship will understand that and not pressure you. Consent has to be freely given and enthusiastic for every action, even in a relationship.
In a healthy romantic relationship, both partners have equal power and control. If one person is ready for any kind of activity and the other isn’t, the first person needs to respect the physical and emotional boundaries of the other person.
If someone is pressuring you to engage in sexual activities, that's not healthy. If someone is forcing you to engage in those activities, that is sexual assault and it’s illegal. Over the next few weeks, we’ll be talking more about sexual assault and what consent looks like. If you have or are experiencing this, there is help and hope available.
Call the Sexual Assault Support Services at Zufall Health hotline for crisis counseling, support, information, and referrals. Their hotline is 908-526-7444.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.