Episode 54: Consent Series - "Does 'Yes' Always Mean 'Yes?'"
Episode 54: Consent Series - "Does 'Yes' Always Mean 'Yes?'"
Today, as part of a series on consent, we’re answering questions from local teens about what consent looks like.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Does ‘yes’ always mean ‘yes?’”
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so for the next few weeks, we’ll be answering all kinds of questions about consent and sexual assault.
In short: the answer to this question is: no. “Yes” does not always mean “yes.” If someone is being pressured to say yes to something sexual, or they are hesitant, that is not consent. Let’s look at this a bit more with our guest.
Jessica of Safe+Sound Somerset: Today we’re talking with Lauren Gmitter from Sexual Assault Support Services at Zufall Health. This is Somerset County, New Jersey’s designated Sexual Assault Support Agency. Hi Lauren, thank you for joining us today! Could you explain for our listeners a little more about why “yes” doesn’t always mean “yes?”
Lauren of SASS at Zufall: Thank you Safe+Sound for having us here today, and yes, I would love to talk about “yes” doesn’t always mean “yes.”
So, how about we define consent first and then we can define coercion. This way, everyone has an understanding.
So first, consent can be a verb: to give permission to engage in sexual activity.
And then, consent can be a noun: an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.
Consent should be
· Freely given
· Reversible
· Informed
· Enthusiastic and
· Specific
The acronym to easily remember this is FRIES. So “F” is freely given, “R” is reversible, “I” is informed, “E” is enthusiastic, and “S” is specific.
Cooperation is when someone agrees to a sexual advancement without actually wanting to – they feel they have to. This is not consent because their desires weren’t what motivated their “agreeance.”
Some examples of this: sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that occurs when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a non-physical way.
Examples are important because they help us understand the difference between a true “yes,” and why a lack of “no” isn’t a “yes.”
Some examples of consent would sound like this:
“Yes, please”
“I would love to”
A simple “yes”
Some examples of what consent is NOT, would sound like this:
“I guess”
And “I’m not sure”
Some examples of coercion would sound like this:
“If you really loved me, you would do this”
“If you don’t do this, I will tell people you did anyway.”
And finally, some examples of cooperation:
“I’m going to hurt you if you don’t stay still.”
“If you don’t do what I want, you are going to regret it.”
And then, here are some more tips about consent:
· Consent is ongoing. Don’t assume that because you and your partner have done something before, your partner will want to do that activity again.
· Consent is ongoing and doesn’t mean once you give consent, it applies to all activities.
· Always communicate when you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like, “Is this okay?” “Do you want to continue?” or “Does this feel good?”
It’s important to communicate, be comfortable, and keep checking with each other to see if everything is okay.
J: Thank you so much for joining us today.
L: Thank you so much for having us. We really appreciate it.
J: So to sum up and add a couple extra points:
· Even in a relationship, whether it’s casual or serious – however you define it - consent has to be an enthusiastic “yes” that is freely given, for every action, without pressure or fear.
· If someone is pressured to say yes, whether it’s threats, blackmail, constant asking, or other pressures, that is NOT consent. So again, to answer the question from today from teens, “yes” does not always mean “yes.”
· If someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or if they are unconscious, they can’t clearly or freely consent to sexual activity.
· And if someone consents with an enthusiastic yes, but then changes their mind, that must be respected, too. Everyone has a right to change their mind, and we’re going to talk more about this in an episode coming up.
If you want to see more examples of consent phrases, you can play the game, “Is It Consent?” on Teen Talk, which is teentalk.ca/consentgame.
Call the Sexual Assault Support Services at Zufall Health hotline for crisis counseling, support, information, and referrals. Their hotline is 908-526-7444.
If you want to speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.