Episode 61: "Why Do People Abuse Their Partners?"
Episode 61: "Why Do People Abuse Their Partners?"
Today, we’re answering a common question from local teens about why people use abusive behaviors towards their partners.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Why do people abuse their partners?”
We have received this question many times in our community, from teens and adults. There are a lot of reasons why someone might abuse other people. It’s a complex question that’s not always easy to explain, since everyone is different. Plus, some people might abuse because of a combination of reasons.
The most important thing to remember is that abuse is a choice, and is always that person’s responsibility to stop. Abuse is never the target’s fault. And here, we’re talking about many different kinds of abuse – not just physical, but emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, digital, and/or stalking.
So, why do people abuse their partners? First, there’s a common phrase: “Hurt people hurt people.” Sometimes, people hurt others because they themselves have experienced violence or abuse in their lives. For example, children who witness domestic violence in their homes are more likely to abuse their own partners later on, or to be targets of relationship abuse themselves later in life.
Abuse is all about gaining and keeping power and control over someone else. And if someone has been abused before and has lost power and control, they may try to gain it in other relationships. They might believe that their needs and wants matter more than the other people in their lives, which is not true. Any relationship, whether it’s a friendship or romantic relationship, is healthy when there’s an EQUAL balance of power and control.
Also, for some people, abuse is a learned behavior. They may not grow up with role models of healthy relationships and think that abuse is the right way to treat their partners.
Another reason people might choose abuse is because they see it all around them, in the media, on TV, in movies, and in society. Society may send messages that it’s okay to abuse people and they blame victims. It usually doesn’t visibly hold people accountable for abuse. People don’t always get in trouble. So, some people might think they can treat people in that way without real consequences to their actions. Unfortunately, that’s not true. There can be long-lasting physical and emotional negative effects on the target. Plus, abuse can be traumatic. Sometimes there are emotional and legal consequences to abusive behavior for the perpetrator, too.
Also, some people who use abusive behaviors may have experienced difficult lives, so they use that as an excuse to gain and maintain that power and control in their relationships. For example, someone might be constantly overlooked or ignored, or passed over for other opportunities in school and/or in work. They might experience racism, sexism, ableism, or other discrimination that has long lasting, harmful effects on their lives. That doesn’t make their abusive behavior acceptable, though.
And finally, some people have a lot of power in their lives – whether it be a position of power at work or in their community, or financial wealth. Then, in order to show how much power and control they have, they treat other people poorly, including their romantic partners.
These are just a few reasons why people might choose abuse. We can have empathy for the traumatic histories of people who choose abusive behaviors, but that does not make their actions okay or give them excuses. Abusive behavior is a choice, and it is never the target’s fault. There is also help for people who use violence in their relationships and want to change. If you call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline, we can actuallyprovide information and referrals to get help.
Our 24/7 confidential hotline number is 866-685-1122. If you are listening, and you are a target of abuse, you can call or text for supportive listening, information, and safety planning, too.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.