Today, we’re answering a common question from local teens about the most ignored or overlooked warning signs of abusive relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: "What are the most ignored warning signs of abusive relationships?"
Warning signs can be hard to spot sometimes. Often, people don’t think a warning sign is extreme enough, but there are some things that a partner might do that can make a relationship increasingly unsafe for the other partner.
One often ignored warning sign is extreme jealousy and possessiveness. We live in a culture in 2021 where the media, TV, movies, and music glorify and praise jealousy. It seems like you have to show that you are jealous to show that you love someone, but that’s not true at all! Jealousy does not equal love.
Some ways that a partner might show extreme jealousy and possessiveness are:
· Expecting constant and immediate responses to text messages
· Constantly asking for proof of your location (either a text, photo, or video)
· Demanding to have your GPS location at all times
· If you’re talking to your ex and/or are friends with them, a partner could say, “why are you talking to your ex? Aren’t I enough?”
· Always immediately thinking that a partner is cheating
· Controlling who you see or speak to, or blackmailing or threatening you if you talk to someone else
· Pressuring you to share your passwords
· Tracking who follows you on social media, or who you follow
· Asking or demanding you to get rid of certain followers, or hacking into your phone and deleting messages, followers, etc. without your permission
Another often ignored warning sign of abuse is constantly making someone feel guilty. They might say things like, “Why are you hanging out with your friends again? Aren’t I enough?” or “You should be spending more time with me – why do you need to be with your family?” In a healthy relationship, partners spend time with other people, like friends and family. That’s part of what makes a relationship stronger. If you spend all your time with one person, that’s not healthy.
Another way your partner might make you feel guilty is about being ready to have sex or engage in sexual activities. They might say something like, “You’re not a good enough partner if you don’t want to do this.” If you change your mind, or want to move slower, they might say you are leading them on or call you a tease.
Remember, you have a right to set physical and emotional boundaries, to change your mind, and to express your thoughts safely in a relationship! All of these warning signs can lead to further abuse, whether it be physical, sexual, verbal, financial, digital, or stalking, and it can make the target increasingly more isolated from their family and friends. Talk to your friends about dating violence and the warning signs, and reach out to the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline if you want more support on helping a friend.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text our 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.