Today, we’re answering a common question from local teens about what gaslighting looks like in a relationship.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: "How do I know my partner is gaslighting me?"
Has someone ever made you feel like you are always wrong? That you are imagining things and misunderstanding every situation? Those are some signs of gaslighting, and it’s a form of emotional or psychological abuse. It’s one way that a person, like a romantic partner, can gain and keep power and control over their romantic partner.
The word “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play called Gas Light, written by Patrick Hamilton. The play is set in 1880, back when they used gas lights. Among other actions, a man tries to make his wife feel like she is imagining the gas lights getting dimmer.
Here are some phrases a person who is using gaslighting might say:
· “Are you sure about that?”
· “I didn’t do that.”
· “You’re imagining things.”
· “You’re too sensitive.”
· “Why are you upset? I was just joking. It’s not a big deal.”
· “You’re overreacting”
· “It’s your fault”
· “I’m the one who’s hurting here, not you”
· “I’m sorry if you feel upset” (which is not actually an apology)
Some signs that your partner might be gaslighting you are:
· Lying
· Making you question your reality – you feel confused all the time
· Questioning your memory, and denying that conversations or actions actually happened, even if you have proof
· Not taking responsibility for their own actions
· Wearing you down, which breaks down your self-esteem and power in the relationship
· Saying that other people are always wrong, which isolates you from friends and family
· You feel like you’re apologizing all the time
· And your partner makes non-apologies like, “I’m sorry, but...” or, “I’m sorry you’re upset” instead of “I’m sorry for doing the action that upset you.” That last one actually takes responsibility for their actions.
· Non-apologies include apologies to get you off their back, like “I’m sorry... happy now?” as well as pressuring you to forgive them, even if they haven’t taken responsibility, including giving gifts and flowers. Someone might hint at or say, “I bought you flowers, so now you have to forgive me.”
If you feel like your partner is manipulating you like this, this is a form of emotional abuse. You are not alone, and it is not your fault. Help and hope are available.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.