Today, we’re answering a question from local teens about the many ways to help a friend or family member experiencing abuse from a partner.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: Dear Ava, “How can I help a friend in an abusive relationship?”
Helping a friend is one of the topics that teens ask us the most questions about, when we present workshops about dating violence in the community. As a friend, you notice behaviors and warning signs that adults may not. Please don’t hesitate to talk to your friend privately if they are feeling unsafe around their partner, if you notice warning signs of abuse, or if you yourself feel uncomfortable around their partner. Your feelings matter and you care about your friend. Plus, dating abuse is a community issue because it affects many other people than just the two in the relationship (like friends, family, and the school community).
When you talk to your friend, here’s one thing you shouldn’t say, “Break up with them!” This is a common response that teens and adults suggest. Think about what your friend might say if you tell them to break up with their partner: “How could you say that? I love them! This isn’t your business. You’re supposed to care about me.” They will probably shut down.
Instead, if you focus on the behavior that you see, you can help open up your friend’s eyes. Say something like, “I noticed that your partner is constantly texting you all the time and expecting immediate answers. You seem anxious and that makes me anxious, too. Is everything okay?”
Open up this conversation with your friend. Tell them that you care, and that you are here to talk with them, listen, and support how they need. Let them know about the danger of abuse getting worse, but still let them make their own decisions. Abusive relationships are all about power and control, and if their partner has been the one in power, they haven’t been able to make their own decisions.
We also want to empower people to make their own decisions, instead of telling them what to do – because people know themselves best. Even if your friend doesn’t want to hear your concerns or is in denial about the relationship becoming unsafe, you can still plant a seed and bring up some of the behaviors, because you care about them.
Planting a seed means, you’re mentioning something now that might blossom into something later. At another point, they may come back to you because you’re a caring friend who listens, or, later on, they might look for services like individual counseling or safety planning if you’ve mentioned it before, in the past.
You can give your friend information from Safe+Sound Somerset or a domestic violence hotline or organization local to you. You could even suggest sitting with them to call or text our hotline together. We can provide more information about abuse or free services, supportive listening, crisis management, and safety planning to stay in or leave a relationship.
You never know what else is going on in someone else’s relationship and bringing attention to red flags, or warning signs, can prevent abuse from getting worse, as it often does. If someone is in danger, please don’t wait – get a trusted adult involved right away and call 911 or another emergency service.
Whenever you're supporting a friend, don't contact the person who is abusing them. This could make it more unsafe for your friend, even if this person is an ex, and it could expose you to danger, too.
And remember, you have the power to speak up if you notice warning signs in a friend’s relationship!
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning. Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.