Today, we’re answering a question from local teens about the warning signs of abusive teen and adult romantic relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic violence response organization, providing services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?”
Some warning signs of abuse are clear, while others are difficult to spot. If we want people to be safe in their relationships, we need to look for and talk about warning signs!
The warning signs for abusive relationships look very similar for both teens and adults. Sometimes adults brush off teen dating abuse because they think that teens haven’t had a lot of experience dating, or they just don’t take teens as seriously.
But the reality is that all abusive relationships are about power and control. This is when a partner purposefully gains and keeps power and control over the other person. It can be easier to spot abuse warning signs when you can see that someone’s ability to make decisions is being taken away from them. So, abuse is similar for both teen and adult relationships.
So, what does it look like when one partner increasingly gains power and control over the other partner? Many people show unhealthy behaviors at some point in the relationship, but it can become unfair and unsafe if those unhealthy behaviors pile up – in other words, if they happen in a pattern and/or more than once. This creates an abusive environment for the other partner. For example, this could mean that the partner may feel like they have to tiptoe around the other in fear.
“What if they get mad?” “What if they threaten me?” It can also make it difficult for the target to leave the relationship should they want to. Abuse is never okay!
So, what are some warning signs of an abusive relationship? Extreme jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness is a huge warning sign, especially when a partner uses jealousy as an excuse for their actions. Some examples of this are: pressuring you to dress in a different way to attract less attention from others, accusing you of cheating, attacking other people who look at you or flirt with you. On social media, this might sound like, “Why are you posting that selfie? Are you trying to attract attention?” or “Post a picture of the two of us so everyone knows we’re together.” Or, “Don’t post anything to make me look bad.”
Some other warning signs of an abusive relationship are: constantly putting you down or insulting you or calling you names in public or private, checking your phone or email without permission, making false accusations, blaming you for their own wrongdoing, blaming behavior on drug or alcohol use, physically hurting you or threatening to hurt you, pressuring you or blackmailing you to engage in sexual activities, use substances, or do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Another common warning sign is isolating you from friends or family, or making you feel guilty about seeing them. This means purposefully keeping you away from your support system. For example, a partner might say, “Well, your friends doesn’t like me, so you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore,” or constantly saying things like, “You always hang out with your friends, you have to spend more of your time with me.” In a relationship, you should be spending time with other people outside of your relationship, and your partner should even be encouraging that!
For all of these warning signs we just talked about - even if someone says they are “just joking,” these things can be scary and threatening to the other partner – especially when they pile up over time – more than once, in a pattern.
Sometimes our friends might be in abusive dating relationships and we don’t know exactly how to talk to them about it. Remember, if you get a gut feeling that things aren’t right, they probably aren’t. Reach out and talk to your friend, and look for information. Check out our past Ask Ava episodes on this topic. You can also call or text our hotline for information and tips on talking to your friend.
Abuse can and often does get worse, so it’s important to reach out to your friend even if you think they might not want to listen. You can at least show them that you are willing to listen to them, and plant the seed for them to think about the relationship and their safety. You never know when they might listen, or change their mind, or start to look for services, if that’s what they want.
If any of the warning signs we mentioned are happening in your relationship, know that you aren’t alone and it isn’t your fault. This isn’t a full list of warning signs, so if at any point you do feel unsafe in a relationship, that might be a sign.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning. Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.
