On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about what emotional abuse looks like.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services to survivors at no charge for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, Why is emotional abuse so harmful?”
First, a few important things to mention: abuse is a form of violence. The reality is that a lot of people think of abuse as just physical – but a person can be violent in many ways beyond physical or sexual, including emotional, verbal, financial, digital, and stalking.
These behaviors alone can leave harmful emotional scars, and can be just as hurtful in the long run. Also, physical and sexual violence don’t happen in every abusive relationship, and they are often used as threats, which allow a partner to continue using abuse in other ways. Some of our clients at Safe+Sound Somerset never experience physical abuse, but they are still in an abusive relationship that has the potential to get worse or more unsafe over time.
Just like physical violence can cause physical wounds or injuries, emotional abuse can cause hidden injuries that often stay with a person. This is one reason why emotional abuse can be so harmful.
Here are some examples of how emotional abuse can show up in a relationship. The memory of receiving physical abuse could be an emotional wound. Emotional abuse can also be making someone lose their self-esteem by putting them down constantly, rather than lifting them up. This could sound like, “No one else will ever love you, so you can’t leave me,” or “You’re so ugly,” or “Are you really going to wear that?” or “You don’t deserve my love.” This could also look like someone making you feel guilty for spending time outside the relationship, like hanging out with your friends.
Over time, because of these comments and actions, the target of abuse may feel like they have to rely on the other partner more because they aren’t worthy of love or worthy of making decisions. This reliance gives the person who uses abuse more power and control in the relationship.
Another form of emotional abuse, which matches up with someone chipping at their partner’s self-esteem over time, is calling them names in public or private, or embarrassing or humiliating them in front of friends, family, school, work, or the general public. This could also look like someone spreading secrets or lies, or purposefully causing a scene in public to embarrass their partner. One client once told us that, “I didn’t want to leave the time my partner hit me. I decided to leave the time they made fun of me in front of my friends.”
Every survivor’s journey is different, and this survivor highlighted how impactful that action was for them. Some survivors of abuse have explained that their partners were popular and friendly when around family in friends, but verbally or emotionally abusive in private. Again, every person is different, but both situations are examples of emotional abuse that can impact someone for a long time.
Emotional abuse can be playing mind games with you, otherwise known as “gaslighting.” Gaslighting over time makes the target of abuse feel like their reality isn’t real. They may feel like they are going crazy, when their partner denies that things happened, or says they’re “just joking, it’s no big deal.” Their partner might constantly say, “Why do you take everything so seriously? Lighten up!” Check out Episode 69 for a more in-depth explanation of gaslighting. The title of that episode is, “How do I know my partner is gaslighting me?”
Another example of emotional abuse is if your partner questions how “real” your race, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, or religious identity is. For example, if you identify as gay, they might say that you “aren’t gay enough” or make fun of you or put you down for not acting a certain way. In any relationship, these comments can really impact someone over time, even if they are said once by someone who is supposed to love and care about you.
Emotional abuse is real, and the damage it can cause is serious. If a friend tells you that they are being hurt by their partner’s words, believe them and validate that pain. For example, you could say, “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.
