Episode 88: "Can I heal my abusive partner?"
Episode 88: "Can I heal my abusive partner?"
On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about healing a dating partner who uses abuse.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services to survivors at no charge for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, Can I heal my abusive partner?”
Many times in abusive relationships, the target of abuse feels responsible for healing their partner.
The short answer to this question is, no. It is very difficult, or impossible, to heal someone on your own, even if you consider yourself the “strong person” in the relationship.
As the other partner, it is never your responsibility to heal someone, even if you love this person and want them to be better. It is something they need to do on their own, if they want to change, because many people deny that they use abuse and don’t want to change.
Abuse is not your fault, and you do not cause the abuse. These actions, whether they are physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, digital, or stalking are your partner’s responsibility alone. It’s also their responsibility to fully understand the root cause of why they use abuse, and to actively work to reverse their behavior, every day, if they’re going to change. This can take individual therapy or exploration on their own without their partner. This person needs to hold themselves accountable for all of their own actions and behavior.
Accountability doesn’t necessarily mean apologies. “I’m sorry” isn’t usually good enough. Lots of partner use apologies to further manipulate and control the other partner, because they don’t really mean it, or they don’t change the behavior next time. Sometimes, they blame the non-abusive partner for their actions by saying, “I’m sorry for what I did, but you just made me so angry.” Accountability means taking full responsibilities for your own actions and not blaming the other person.
There are a lot of reasons why someone might use abuse in their relationships, and we’ve talked about that in other episodes, too. Often, people who use abuse in relationships have experienced or witnessed abuse themselves. Children who witness domestic abuse, in fact, are more likely to be abused or use abuse themselves in their own future relationships as teens or adults.
Some people learn that abuse is okay, and they don’t have role models to show healthy relationships. Some people believe there are no consequences to their actions, so it doesn’t really matter. And some people have had difficult lives for a variety of reasons and use that as an excuse to gain power and control in their relationships. And also some people have a lot of power in their lives, and they use that against their partners and families.
We can understand why someone might be using abuse, but that doesn’t make it okay. Remember, if you are a target of abuse, it is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to heal your partner.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.