On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about safety in new relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services to survivors at no charge for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, How do you stay safe when you are dating someone new?”
This is a great question that we’ve heard as young as middle school! Your safety is always the most important thing, and it’s a great idea to think ahead about your boundaries. But remember that, if your partner is trying to guilt you or force you to do something, or using other kinds of abuse against you, that is not your fault, even if you set your boundaries. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior and choices. There’s always a choice NOT to be violent.
Here are some things to consider when you’re dating someone new.
It’s always helpful to tell a trusted family member or friend where you will be and who you’ll be with. You might decide to come up with a special word to text them in case you need them to come get you, or to call you.
In the beginning of a relationship with a new partner, suggest going on double or group dates. You can also go out in public places where you won’t really be alone. This can help you get to know each other in a fun way and around other people.
If you feel unsafe at some point, trust your instincts. Leave the situation and go to a safe place.
Pay attention to your date’s body language. If they are hesitant or acting strange, stop what you are doing and check in, whether this is just on the date or whether this is during a sexual activity. If they aren’t able to communicate with you, this might not be a healthy relationship for you to continue.
Decide what your own boundaries are about sexual actions. If you know them in advance, you can be sure about them in the future. Plus, make sure to know the laws of consent and the ages of consent in your state or country. If you or your date is underage, don’t engage in sexual actions at all.
At the same time, always respect your partner’s decisions about sexual actions. If they do not consent to an action or they change their mind, stop immediately and never pressure or threaten them. Consent has to be freely given (not unconscious or under the influence of alcohol or drugs). It needs to be reversible (or able to be taken away). Consent should also be informed (in other words, someone isn’t tricked into doing something). Consent has to be enthusiastic or excited from both people (and silence doesn’t count. Saying “yes” under pressure is also not consent). Consent finally also needs to be specific, which means you ask with EVERY sexual action.
Remember that if your partner uses abuse against you, it is NOT your fault, even if you take steps to be safe.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.