On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about when partners say they have trust issues.
This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services to survivors at no charge for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, What if my partner has heavy trust issues from past relationships?”
It sounds like this is a conversation that has come up in your relationship. If your partner is making excuses for abusive behavior, that is not okay, even if they have heavy trust issues. We can understand why someone might need reassurance or feel jealous, but jealousy does not equal love.
It’s not okay that they haven’t been treated well in the past, whether it be by a family member, friend, or other romantic partner. But in healthy romantic relationships, partners leave the past in the past. Both partners need to have equal power and control in this kind of relationship. If one person is controlling the other’s every move because they are feeling jealous, that’s not equal.
Here are some questions to ask:
1. Does your partner make you feel safe? Are you always feeling safe around your partner?
2. Can you make your own decisions in the relationship, and for yourself?
3. Can you set your own boundaries?
4. Can you give or take away consent for sexual activity or for other boundaries without being pressured or threatened?
If your answer to any of these questions is “no,” that is a warning sign of an abusive relationship.
Here are some other warning signs that might come up if your partner says they have heavy trust issues:
- Your partner makes everything about jealousy
- They make you feel guilty for hanging out with a friend, an ex, or going to an event, or they purposefully keep you from going
- Your partner forces you to check in all the time, whether it’s a text, a photo of where you are, a video, or some other message. They want to know where you are and who you are with at all times, and they might do this under the disguise of caring for you or loving you.
- Your partner tells you what to wear so that you don’t attract attention from other potential admirers
- Your partner threatens your exes or talks about hurting them
Relationships like this can get increasingly unsafe. There are services available for free to anyone who is feeling unsafe in a relationship.
To speak with an expert about dating violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential hotline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.