On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about abuse happening in loving relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, Can abuse happen if you both love each other?”
The short answer is yes, abuse can absolutely happen if both people or one person loves the other. Abuse is a pattern – or more than once - of actions that one person takes, to gain and keep power and control over the other partner. The person experiencing harm doesn’t cause that harm.
But abuse isn’t love. Jealousy isn’t love. Obsession isn’t love. Control isn’t love, either.
One partner can use these behaviors against someone else while still loving them. That doesn’t make it okay, though. There is always a nonviolent choice of behavior. And here, when we talk about violence, we’re talking about any form including physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, digital, or stalking.
For example, let’s say one partner threatens to share naked photos of the other person. They might say, “If you leave me, I’ll share these photos with everyone.” A common form of abuse is one partner justifying their actions and then saying, “I’m doing this because I love you so much.” This may be true but again, abuse is not love. Another thing they might say is, “no one will ever love you as much as I do.”
At the same time, a person who is the target of abuse in this relationship might love the other partner. Maybe they have been with this person for a long time, or maybe not – either way, love is often one reason they might not want to leave the relationship.
They want to go back to the way it was in the beginning, when the other person was more charming and passionate. And sometimes this other partner may say they are sorry or give them flowers and make up, but that doesn’t make up for the long term impact of abusive behaviors. There are both good and bad times in abusive relationships.
So yes, even if both people love each other, one person can choose to use abuse to control, manipulate, and even scare the other person. That is never okay, and it has the potential to get worse over time.
To speak with an expert about dating or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.