86: How to Prepare Emotionally for Holiday Gatherings

If you’re already worried about feeling grief and triggers while at a family gathering or social event through the holidays, this episode is for you.  I’m going to give you some solid steps for preparing yourself before, during and after so you can breeze through them like a woman of grace.

You'll discover:

• the mistakes I (and many childless women) make when planning for the holidays
• how to avoid resentment and maintain your boundaries
• the steps you can take before, during and after a gathering so you can actually enjoy socializing, even when there are kids around

If you want to go deeper, head over to my Instagram account and send me a DM with the words "episode 86" to get a copy of my holiday guide for childless women.

Where to find Sheri:

Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

References from this episode:
85: 10 Tips to Get You Through the Holidays as a Childless Woman

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

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If you are a childless woman who is already worried about the feeling of grief and triggers while at family gatherings or social events through the holidays, then this episode is for you.  I'm going to give you some solid tips for preparing yourself before you get there so that you can breeze through them like a woman of grace. 

So stay tuned.  Hi, I am Sherry Johnson, and you are about to discover how to embrace your life as a childless woman who wanted to have a family and never could. This is where we combine mindset shifting tools with practical tips so you can break free of outdated societal norms that condition us all to believe that women without kids just don't measure up to the moms. 

It's where we take action on processing grief. And accelerating the healing journey so you can feel free  when childless women awaken their self worth, they transform from hopeless and inadequate to worthy, accepting and purposeful.  Think of this podcast as your weekly dose of light bulb moments that will shift your perspective as a childless woman about yourself, about your innate power to change yourself, your future, and maybe even the world we live in.

If that's what you want, then keep on listening.  On last week's episode, which was episode number 85, I gave 10 tips for getting through the holidays and today we're going to take some of those tips and apply them to one aspect of the holidays and that's preparing for the gatherings.  I totally get that holiday gatherings can be tough for a childless woman who is still grieving the loss of her dream. 

I used to imagine all the holiday traditions that my husband and I would create with our kids, how excited they would be to go to their grandparents and see all their cousins, and how we'd all be part of a big happy family.  And it didn't happen.  Year after year, I would tell myself that next year will be different.

Next year we'll have a baby. And year after year, it never changed.  Every time I went home for the holidays, as soon as I entered my parents house, it was almost like I transformed into the dissident teenager that didn't follow the rules. And my siblings did. I felt left out. I felt as though my parents,  my mom especially, forgot all about me now that she had grandchildren to focus on.

And that hurt, if I'm honest, at the time. Now I'm in a different place, but I remember very clearly what that was like.  I also did not draw good boundaries.  I was always the one who was expected to work around everyone else's schedules when it came to planning the dates when we were actually going to gather.

And I was also the one who was expected to travel. It didn't matter whether that was my family or if my friends were getting together. I have lots of friends who don't live where I do. They live where I used to live.  And, and I was always the one who was traveling. And at the time, I actually didn't even  I didn't really give it a second thought even though I felt a bit resentful about it, but I didn't, it was sort of subconscious.

I didn't even realize that I was giving into that and allowing it and resenting it. There was other things as well. If my parents were going to be alone on Christmas day, then I was the one who was guilted into spending that day with him. Not that I didn't want to spend that time with him, but I live three hours away from my parents.

So there's, there's travel involved. There's sacrifices. It means my husband's family or maybe spending their time on their own, my husband's parents. And so  that felt like I was having to give up whatever I wanted to do. And it didn't really matter what that was. I should be the one to spend that time with them. 

And really until the last few years, I gave in to all of it.  And then I discovered something  and. This might be something that you've heard me talk about before.  I discovered first that there was something that I could do about all of this. And I also learned that those boundaries I wasn't honoring,  the resentment I felt at having to accommodate everyone else, that wasn't grief.

It wasn't grief at all. It was something entirely different and, and I could change all of it. Inside of my programs, my one on ones, my group immersions, we focus on three different pillars. And I outlined them in last week's episode, so go back to episode 85  if you want to hear more about that. In a nutshell, those three pillars are recovery from grief, relief from triggers, and redesigning your future.

Or in this case, redesign your holidays.  And we'll touch on pieces of each of those pillars today.  If you want to dive a little deeper, send me a DM with the word episode 86, the two words episode 86, and I'll get you a copy of my childless woman's guide to the holidays  that will help you to really kind of implement some of this stuff. 

So here first I want to, I want to share with you the mistakes that I was making as I was going through the holidays. And, and planning for all of these gatherings and social events and kids  events and community stuff going on.  First of all, I was accommodating everyone else and then resenting them.  We already talked about that. 

I was also unprepared for the moments when grief would hit. I didn't really think about it. And then all of a sudden I would be in the middle of it and in the middle of a gathering and not know what to do.  I also avoided all of my triggers. So I avoided Santas and elves and kids. I avoided the community events that were focused on kids like parades and. 

My community has this thing called old fashioned Christmas,  any gathering though, really, where I knew there would be kids.  Unless I knew that I was saying no  To going  would actually cause more pain than going  so I would go and do those things if I knew that I was going to have to Experience the wrath of a friend or a parent or whatever  and if I had to go then I would struggle through it I'd paste on a smile and and try to get through it and that was another mistake as well  Now, here's what happened when I stopped making these mistakes,  I started to feel a sense of control over my time, my energy and my emotions. 

That's pillar number one.  Recovery from grief.  When I could control  when I processed my grief and my emotions, I felt a lot more control over my life.  The second thing I started honoring my boundaries and saying no to what I really didn't feel like I could show up for  fully as my true self without hiding behind a fake smile. 

And that's pillar number two.  relief from triggers and that might not seem related but triggers underneath of triggers is the same thing that is what honoring boundaries is about  because part of not honoring your boundaries will make you feel when you don't honor your boundaries you you will feel triggered. 

And, by the way, you won't honor your boundaries if you don't feel worthy of them. So rebuilding self worth is also really key here and that's a really  critical underpinning of my program. It underlies everything is self worth.  The third thing that happened was that I began to look forward to the holidays again.

Because I used to love the holidays and they started to look maybe not like what I thought they would look like, but they were definitely full of joy and peace instead of the dread.  And that's pillar number three, redesigning your holidays, redesigning your future.  So how do we actually get to that point where we feel these, these things, looking forward to the holidays, getting through them without pasting a smile on your face?

I  have some steps for you  and two of them are, are things that you can do ahead of time.  Two of them are what you can do in the moment and then two are for after. But wait a second. The first thing I wanted to talk to you about was drawing the boundaries. So let's address this first before you even schedule  an outing, a gathering, a  event, whatever. 

So the first thing that you want to do is Obviously, you're going to need to make a decision.  And I think a lot of us will make decisions based on whether we have something else booked.  That was me. I always thought, well, if I get an invitation to go somewhere,  I, if I don't have an excuse, if I don't already have something else planned, then I'm expected to say yes. 

It never even occurred to me to just say no because I didn't want to go.  So ask yourself, do you really want to go? Or do you really want to host? If that's the decision, is it you that needs to host  before accommodating everyone else and then resenting them? Really think about whether You can show up fully if you decide to go and and make that an intentional conscious decision Not one that's just based on whether you're busy or not. 

Let's talk a little bit about resentment as well Because I think that this is really important. So I get a lot of  I learn a lot from Other people, of course, from books, from coaches, from, from different,  different places. But what I have found is that most of them don't actually ever use the childless experience as the example.

So, taking that and specifically relating it to resentment.  Resentment, this was a real surprise to me, is related to envy.  You feel resentment when someone is doing or feeling something that you want to do or feel but don't.  So to give you an example,  and this has nothing to do with having children or not,  I used to be resentful of my husband.

He would have no problem coming home and resting on the couch all day on the weekends while I ran around cleaning the house, doing the yard work, whatever, you know, groceries, everything that needed to get done on the weekend. I wasn't angry because he was resting. I was resentful because I wanted to rest and felt like I couldn't because I had all these other things to do. 

So in, in our case, in the case of the childless women who say really don't want to travel and yet their family lives out of state, out of province, out of town, whatever the case may be.  You're resentful not because you have to travel, but because your siblings, say, asked for what they wanted and they stood their ground.

And either you felt you couldn't or you didn't. And so they are experiencing what you wanted and wouldn't ask for or wouldn't stand your ground on doing.  The other thing is, In regards to boundaries, that is. See if there's anything that you would like to say no to and ask yourself why you're saying yes.

Because sometimes it's when you say yes, but you really don't want to go. That's when you start to feel that resentment. So do you feel obligated to go? Is Is there maybe a way that you could change the ask? So, maybe instead of going for the whole afternoon, you just go for an hour. Or, you know, you  make an agreement that you're going to leave right after dinner instead of staying for the whole night. 

So see whether there's something that would feel better  instead of just saying yes or no. So that's another way to avoid, it's a way of drawing a boundary and also avoiding feeling resentful. If you ask for what you need. When your needs aren't met, that's when you start to feel resentful.  Okay, so if you do decide to go to the event or the gathering or whatever it is,  here's where I have my, I have six steps for you and, and as I said, two are for before you get there, two are for when you get there, and two are for after you get home. 

So let's talk about the two tips you can do ahead of time. Number one is to  plan your to cope.  Lisa Honedahl, who talked about this on episode number 81,  she calls this cope ahead.  So I'm going to repeat it here because it's, it can be so useful at the holidays time of year.  What you're going to do is imagine the scenarios that might pop up  that might be triggering or might trigger your grief, whether it's grief or anger or whatever emotion is triggered. 

You want to imagine the scenarios that might pop up  and then plan out what are you going to do?  So either create your exit. Do you you know plan for? When those moments arise, can you get yourself to the bathroom and allow yourself to cry it out?  So allow yourself to release some of that emotion and then go back and you'll, you'll, you'll certainly feel better after you allow some of that emotion to be released.

Or could you excuse yourself and go for a walk or get a few minutes of fresh air? They do this all the time on TV, on the movies and where people just, you know, they're, they're in a heated moment and they just go outside. And they have a cigarette or they  get a breath of actual fresh air or whatever it is.

I don't actually see many people really doing that in normal life and yet it's a really great way to just clear your head, allow some of the emotion out and come back when you feel ready.  So that's number one step that you can do ahead of time.  Number two.  Set intentions.  This one I talked a little bit about on the last episode as well, and I wanna delve into it a little bit further.

So this is really about deciding ahead of time, what kind of daughter do you wanna be? What kind of sister, what kind of friend, what kind of aunt do you wanna be?  And.  What kind of  sister, friend, mom, parent, whatever, do you want and can you be the change that you want to see in the world?  Could you even,  you know, I call this leaning in, can you even go as far as asking your sister in law about her kids before she starts rambling on about them? 

Could you be the kind of daughter that you imagine? your mother would like. Can you be the kind of friend that you want in your life?  So decide ahead of time what you want your relationships to look like.  And then the other thing that I want to talk about in this in this section  is gift giving  because this is something that can come up.

It comes up a lot.  This came up in my family where I have seven nieces and nephews now on my husband's side and I have four on my side  and  my sisters have always been very conscious of me  Of me buying gifts for their kids and, and not receiving anything for my kids in return because I don't have kids.

So they're very conscious of the, of the money that I spend on their children without receiving anything in return. And they'll sometimes actually buy me a gift from the kids or they'll take their kids out and, and pick something out. And I think that's really sweet and it's, it. It is very conscientious.

It's really nice to have that acknowledgement.  And then  on the other side of the family, it feels almost as though there's an expectation that everybody just buys for the kids. And there isn't any kind of acknowledgement that  while there is, I shouldn't say that for every member of that family, but there's, there's never been any talk about it other than from one person. 

I think what I  really learned was that  I don't have to meet anybody's expectations. You don't have to buy your nieces and nephews a gift.  The very idea of a gift is,  you know, is that it's given from the heart, I think. It's not an, if there's any expectation around it, then it's no longer a gift. It comes without obligation. 

So, instead of,  instead of being resentful of that expectation and and feeling like I'm just expected to bring gifts for everybody and pay for them when there is nothing in return, I just ignore the expectations and I decide whether I want to bring a gift or not. I decide what kind of aunt do I want to be to my nieces and nephews and Um, I really think about what,  how do I want to show up for those kids? 

And this year, I didn't want to run around trying to figure out what they all might like. And so all the older ones are getting gift cards.  And that is my way of, I know that's what they really want when they become teenagers. They just want money to go to the mall and buy their own stuff. And so that's what I've decided to do for them.

And they're all getting a gift card and, and that's it. And the, and the little ones that I will enjoy.  gift giving and shopping for them because there's only a couple of little ones and I enjoy that. So  I really take what I want to do and how I want to show up for,  whether it's your nieces and nephews or your friends, kids, or whatever it is where the expectations are.

Let go of the expectations and decide what you want to do and how you want to show up.  Experiences, by the way, is another great option. I used to do this with some of my, with one or two of my nieces. I would invite them over and we'd have a baking day or I would take them to the movies or I would take them shopping and we would buy something together instead of me Just showing up with a gift and  I think they enjoyed that and and I certainly enjoyed that much More as well.

So there's lots of things you can do that will help you to get around  the expectations and instead set an intention of the kind of  Person that you want to be in the various relationships in your life  So now we're on to two steps that you can take in in the moment. So when you're out and about at a holiday gathering,  number one, I have something that I like to call the trigger release formula. 

And this is a method, a process for letting go of triggers.  And it's kind of a, it's a process that really is better  You can really delve into it well when you have some time after the trigger has actually happened and you have time to spend on your own.  But I have a mini version of that formula that I'm going to give you today and that's going to allow you to just let go of the trigger in the moment or at least dissipate it a little bit. 

So the first step to that is to notice first when you're triggered. Sometimes we go so straight into reactive mode without actually even realizing that we're in it.  And if you can practice catching yourself, there's actually a lot that you can do to dissipate that trigger.  So noticing is the first thing you need to do.

And that may take some practice, because sometimes you just fly right into the reaction without even thinking about it. So it's, you know, noticing. And, and maybe this, this is also something you can do ahead of time is, is think about  what are the things that trigger you. What are the common patterns? And, and then you can go into the situation and notice when they happen  and when they do, you're going to breathe. 

There's a reason why they say to count to 10 when you're angry or annoyed or frustrated or whatever it is. Count and breathe. Just ignore the awkward silence and take that time for yourself. Because you are in the middle of an emotion that is a challenge. And  it's not just about  You know, you don't want to say the wrong thing or you don't want to explode at the person in front of you It's not about that.

It's about taking care of you and allowing that emotion to move through you So breathe  and count if you need to and then observe  So what is the emotion that you're feeling when you take that time you can actually Label the emotion. Is it anger? Is it frustration? Is it this feeling of a lack of control?

Is it?  Is it irritation? Is it envy? What is that emotion that you're feeling and can you locate it in your body?  Where do you feel it? And what does it feel like? Paying attention to how your body is reacting to whatever that trigger is can really allow that emotion to come to the surface and Be released instead of shoving it down Which is what we do most of the time when we feel like we can't we have to stifle Whatever it is, we're feeling stifling is just shoving down emotion and it stays there in your body in your Physicality and so you really want to release it instead  the last thing that can be really effective I learned this from Gabby Bernstein.

I've probably mentioned this before  pray  Sam mantra. I'm gonna give you a couple of examples You don't have to get down on your knees.  You don't even need to go to the bathroom You can just say this in your head  Universe, show me how to transmute these feelings to love,  or maybe it's God, show me how to transmute these feelings to love, whatever it is, spirit guides, higher self, soul. 

Another one, another example, show me how to forgive in this moment.  That can be a tough one, but it's really effective.  Or a third one, show me how to have compassion for myself. And this person in front of me in this moment,  just saying the words inside your head shifts something. You don't even have to actively do anything.

You don't have to wait for the universe or God or your higher self to do anything. It's as soon as you say those words inside your head, something shifts. I guarantee it.  Okay. So that is the, that's one thing that you can do in the moment is that that trigger release formula, my mini version of that.  And a second thing that you can do in the moment is to be authentic. 

When you are authentic,  you are allowing your true self to come through.  You're saying what's on your mind, but it's not necessarily just exploding or reacting.  It can be very productive if you allow it to be.  So could you talk about your struggles and how this person's comment or behavior makes you feel? 

And if you say no to that, I would challenge you to ask yourself, what are you afraid will happen if you do?  I realize it takes courage. It takes a lot of courage.  I've done this a number of times and it does get easier.  But it feels very vulnerable to kind of open up your heart and talk about your struggles. 

But I have been surprised over and over and over by the beautiful conversations that happen when I am courageous and vulnerable and am willing to  open my heart to these kinds of conversations. I want to tell you about one instance actually where  My two sisters and my mom got together for a, for a ladies weekend  and. 

My mom has a typical way of reacting when she feels  angry or frustrated or mad or whatever it is.  And it happened when we were out for breakfast one day.  And right away, she said her piece, she exploded. Because she had been holding it in the whole weekend and and then she shut down and said I'm sorry to  to ruin breakfast That's just the way I feel  and that is a pattern.

That's the way she always reacts and and then we also have a pattern of reaction Whenever that happens, usually it's everybody storms off and we ignore it and  eventually it sort of goes away And everybody starts talking to each other again. But in this moment, I decided to be courageous  and I said no No, no, we're not gonna end the weekend this way.

Let's talk about this. Tell me what you're feeling  this is how I'm feeling  and  I want to know why you responded that way and the conversation that came out of that between  My mom and my sisters and I was really  quite transformational for all of us.  I think there was a moment of real change in our relationship as a result of the conversation. 

So that can happen for you too. It just takes some courage to start.  But the other thing  on being authentic can be just to suggest talking about another topic. And sometimes even that can feel scary.  You know, you feel like you're being rude if you just change the subject or if you ask someone to change it and say, I'm really not comfortable talking about this, that also feels really scary.

What is the worst that can happen? I'm going to guess that you're worried about what people will think about you. If you say something like that, if you change the conversation, if you say, I just don't want to talk about this right now, can we talk about something else?  You're worried about what people think about you, and that is not allowing your true needs, your true self to come forward. 

It's shoving aside your needs for someone else's if you keep talking about the topic that you really don't want to discuss.  So  if you can't just, if you don't feel like you can just change the subject yourself and lay it out on the table and say, this is a conversation I don't feel like I can have right now.

Can we talk about something else?  Or the other thing that you can do  is come up with a list of topics that you maybe have top of mind that you can use to change the subject.  And so, for example, if your sister in law is the person who is always talking about the kids, and that seems to be the only thing she knows how to talk about, then anticipate that.

And list some other things that you know she's interested in. And go in with those sort of top of mind that can help you to change the subject.  Okay, hopefully that's helpful. And I am always, by the way, for being authentic.  Integrity is one of my highest values rather than saying something really sarcastic or hiding your feelings and,  and just hoping that it'll end soon. 

Because when you're authentic, magic can happen, I promise you.  Okay, here's, I have two more things for you. Two things that you can do after the gathering.  So one of the things to do  is to actively assess. How did it go? Did you try something new? And like in terms of, of, well, maybe one of the things that I just talked about. 

Or did you try something of your own? in an effort to help you get through it and maybe even get through it with grace and ease. And so notice, think back over the gathering or the event and just notice how did it go? What worked? What felt a little better? Is there something else that you can try?  We don't very often look back at a scenario and really look at what worked. 

We tend to come home and fume about what didn't go right, and what made us angry, and we vent  and steam about things. I'll sometimes like wake up in the middle of the night and say, Ugh, that like, you know, I'm replaying a movie in my head of one particular moment during the party.  And instead, can you go back and assess what went really well?

What worked and what didn't? What could you do a bit differently or try differently next time?  And the last step is to give yourself some grace. Honor what you need in order to decompress because you might need to decompress after the party or the whatever it is,  rest, write in your journal, meditate, whatever it is for you that allows you to really decompress and emotions, you know, feeling all the emotions, it can take a lot out of you.

So honor that instead of trying to push through to the next party and the next one and the next one. And,  you know, burying yourself in the busyness of the holidays, because that can be really easy to do. There's so many little things, extra things, that we need to do during the holidays. So,  instead of burying yourself in that,  honour what you need.

to just give yourself space and time for rest and time to process.  So those are six steps that you can make, that you can take to really hopefully allow you to get through the gatherings and not just get through them, but to get through them with ease and grace, maybe even enjoy them.  So let's recap  the mistakes that I was making, and maybe you're making these as well. 

I was avoiding as much as I could  the malls. The parties anywhere where there was going to be kids for sure.  I Was also going to the gatherings of the parties unprepared. I just  I just pushed through them  and I also accommodated my family my friends and all of their expectations of me  And when I started to change, I used some of these six steps. 

So, coping ahead of time, planning for what I was going to, what I might need,  what I might, when, when I might need support. So, planning ahead,  setting intentions for the kind of person that I wanted to be, what kinds of relationships did I want and how was I going to  be in those relationships. And then while you're at the party or the gathering, there's my trigger release formula, the quick, I call it the quick release formula, the mini version I gave you today. 

And also to be authentic, as much as you can, be authentic in how you respond in opening up conversations.  And then after you get home, assess how did things go, what could you do differently, what went well, and then lastly, give yourself some grace and honor, what you're feeling, honor that you might need rest. 

Okay, that is it for today. If you do want to go deeper on on any of this, don't forget to DM me Episode 86 to get a copy of my holiday guide for childless women.  That's it for today I hope you'll join me next week as we continue the conversation To get you through the holidays with ease and grace and maybe even to enjoy them. 

See you next time