142: The Myth of the Selfless Woman: Why Childless Women Feel the Need to Prove Their Worth

You don’t have kids, but somehow you’re still hustling to prove you're a good woman. Why?
We live in a world that glorifies selflessness—and if you're not a mother, the pressure to perform it in other ways is real.

This episode is a wake-up call to the invisible ways you're trying to prove your worth by over-giving. 

✨ What if everything you've been taught about what makes a woman “good” is actually a trap?

I'm pulling back the curtain on a cultural myth that affects millions of women—especially those without children:
 👉 The belief that your worth lies in how much you sacrifice.

For moms, their worth is often tied to how much they sacrifice for their children.

And what happens when a woman doesn’t have children?
🔹 She sacrifices in other ways

🔹People still (either consciously or subconsciously) label her as "selfish"

🔹 And that label silently drives perfectionism, people-pleasing, and burnout

You’ll hear:

• A personal story that cracked open the invisible pressure to “earn” our place in the world
• How both mothers and non-mothers are gaslit by impossible double standards
• The hidden cost of trying to “make up” for not having kids
• And how to reclaim your worth—without guilt, without apology

🔥 You’ll Learn:

• The real reason high-achieving women without kids overcommit and overgive
• How patriarchy + pronatalism are behind the myth of the “ideal woman”
• Why even your most “empowered” choices may be driven by fear of being seen as selfish
• A reframe that will change how you say yes and no forever

If you’ve ever wrestled with guilt for honouring your own needs, if you’ve bent over backwards to seem “selfless,” - this episode is your permission slip.

Ready to reclaim your life without apology?
Tune in!

📲 Loved this episode?

Here’s how to support:

1. Follow the show so you never miss an episode
2. Rate & Review – Your words help this reach more women who need it
3. Share it with a friend who’s ready to break the “selfless” spell

Where to find Sheri:
Instagram: @sherijohnsoncoaching
Website: sherijohnson.ca

Transcript

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Sheri Johnson: Have you ever felt like you had to over give just to prove that you're not selfish, like your value hinges on maybe being endlessly available to others. Even if you never had kids, especially if you never had kids.

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Sheri Johnson: There is this cultural norm, the ideal woman is endlessly selfish, nurturing, giving, especially if she's a mother.

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Sheri Johnson: But what happens when you're not a mother?

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Sheri Johnson: Women without children are often cast as selfish by the media, by our culture, even sometimes by the people that we love.

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Sheri Johnson: Today, I want to share what is

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Sheri Johnson: what? Where? This has even come from this idea that women without kids, whether they chose it or not are selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: and how we can actually break free of that narrative.

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Sheri Johnson: So if you want to know more about that, stay tuned

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Sheri Johnson: welcome back to the awakening worth. Podcast I am so glad that you are here welcome. If you are a new listener

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Sheri Johnson: today, I have a really juicy topic for you. We're starting to get into some really

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Sheri Johnson: impactful and disruptive stuff here.

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Sheri Johnson: So stay tuned. If you really want to find out more about sort of the subconscious stuff that happens behind the scenes under the radar for childless women, and how we can break free of it.

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Sheri Johnson: So let me tell you a little story first.st

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Sheri Johnson: A few years ago my friend

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Sheri Johnson: was telling me about how his mother had passed away.

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Sheri Johnson: and he spoke with such reverence for her

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Sheri Johnson: that my heart broke for him.

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Sheri Johnson: He really was missing her, but the more that I thought about the conversation.

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Sheri Johnson: something was stirring inside of me that, I realized, was my heart breaking for her.

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Sheri Johnson: My friend was talking about how selfless his mother was, how she spent her entire life taking care of her 4 boys, even after they became adults

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Sheri Johnson: and taking care of her husband. The farm they lived on the pets, everyone but herself.

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Sheri Johnson: and what I began to awaken to

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Sheri Johnson: was that this was patriarchy at its best.

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Sheri Johnson: and most of us even I. I didn't realize it at the time.

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Sheri Johnson: We are conditioned to believe that this is how the ideal woman behaves.

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Sheri Johnson: This is how the ideal mother behaves.

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Sheri Johnson: and what happens when you don't have kids. At least

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Sheri Johnson: this is my theory. And it happened to me we internalize this belief.

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Sheri Johnson: If I don't have kids, I better make damn sure that I'm not seen as selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: I definitely internalize that message.

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Sheri Johnson: Even as a a young adult I remember someone in my

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Sheri Johnson: close circle I won't name names.

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Sheri Johnson: This is when I was still assuming I was going to have kids.

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Sheri Johnson: She was talking about her neighbors, a couple

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Sheri Johnson: who chose not to have kids. They had 2 dogs.

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Sheri Johnson: and she looked at me and kind of, smiled and said.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know. I think they're kind of selfish, and at the time I kind of agreed

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Sheri Johnson: I was bought in to this idea that women who

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Sheri Johnson: have kids are selfish, they have to sacrifice.

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Sheri Johnson: and I was still on my way there.

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Sheri Johnson: So I bought into that. It wasn't until after

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Sheri Johnson: I accepted and and realized that I wasn't going to have kids.

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Sheri Johnson: that I really started to become more aware of this.

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Sheri Johnson: Mothers are celebrated for sacrificing themselves.

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Sheri Johnson: So that's become like the gold standard of femininity, and childless women

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Sheri Johnson: or child free. Whatever label you want to use are judged for not sacrificing.

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Sheri Johnson: They're seen as too independent, too free.

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Sheri Johnson: too focused on themselves, maybe, too, focused on their career.

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Sheri Johnson: And the media often paints us as career obsessed.

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Sheri Johnson: maybe cold. You know we we don't like children unfulfilled, miserable, or even frivolous and self-indulgent.

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Sheri Johnson: You know we're the ones who sleep in every weekend and lays around and do whatever we want.

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Sheri Johnson: Meanwhile we are all adults. I have a home to take care of. I have a zillion things to keep me busy on the weekend, too.

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Sheri Johnson: and these are the kind of remarks that we've you've heard them before. Jd. Vance. That was a highlighted one. Recently.

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Sheri Johnson: when he talked about how childless women have no stake in America and are miserable, have miserable lives.

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Sheri Johnson: When Chelsea Handler went public on

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Sheri Johnson: Tiktok about her life as a child, free woman.

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Sheri Johnson: Oh, the pronalists really nailed into her or laid into her! Matt Walsh was one of them who really commented on how miserable underneath of it! She's miserable. So this is just her justifying it.

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Sheri Johnson: And I'm there are dozens and dozens of hundreds. I'm sure of others.

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Sheri Johnson: And, by the way, I want to slide in here.

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Sheri Johnson: because this was kind of a a real Aha moment for me. I was having a conversation just last week with an acquaintance of mine who is a mother.

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Sheri Johnson: and she was chastised and labeled as selfish because she also wanted a career.

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Sheri Johnson: And we see this also. Mothers who spend too much time on their career, or too much time on their business, too much time, not

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Sheri Johnson: not taking care of their kids. They're also dubbed as selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: So this is, I think you're probably starting to see the narrative here, and here's the thing.

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Sheri Johnson: Most women who don't have kids

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Sheri Johnson: will probably be at least a little bit annoyed by these kinds of comments or portrayals of women. Whenever it happens in the media, there's always a like massive.

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Sheri Johnson: I don't know what to call it like a thing on social media laying into the person who said it. And people are really annoyed, frustrated, triggered by these comments.

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Sheri Johnson: And what that suggests to me

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Sheri Johnson: is that they've also they, you, me, us

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Sheri Johnson: might also be bought into this narrative ourselves.

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Sheri Johnson: even if no one calls us selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: Many of us go into overdrive to prove that we're not.

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Sheri Johnson: So. Here are some signs that you might actually be bought into this narrative yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: And it's okay if you are. This is about

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Sheri Johnson: awakening to this, the same way that I did a few years ago, and just identifying

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Sheri Johnson: maybe this is something that that I can change. Maybe this is a belief that actually isn't true.

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Sheri Johnson: So here's how you know, you're always saying yes

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Sheri Johnson: yes to the volunteer opportunity. Yes, to helping your friend with something. Yes, to doing all the things.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe you're taking care of everyone else. So

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Sheri Johnson: I do this. I have a husband who uses a wheelchair. He lived on his own for 10 years before he met me, and still

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Sheri Johnson: I take care of him. I do all kinds of things for him that he can do himself.

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Sheri Johnson: I take care of the dog. I take care of my

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Sheri Johnson: aging parents to some degree. My mom is still pretty, is very independent.

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Sheri Johnson: but my my dad has been

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Sheri Johnson: seriously ill, and needing to help

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Sheri Johnson: them move out of their home.

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Sheri Johnson: clean their home, purge it all of those things

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Sheri Johnson: I felt like I was the one who needed to do that, because I don't have children at home to keep me as busy as my siblings did.

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Sheri Johnson: Maybe so taking care of everyone else. This can also include clients, your boss people at work, your friends.

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Sheri Johnson: and then the other. Another sign is that you?

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Sheri Johnson: Well, this is sort of along the same lines.

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Sheri Johnson: becoming the cool aunt. So being the one to

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Sheri Johnson: really be present in your nieces and nephews lives, or maybe you have a friend who has kids.

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Sheri Johnson: and you become that Rock Star friend who

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Sheri Johnson: who's giving and nurturing to her his children.

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Sheri Johnson: or you become the go-to employee.

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Sheri Johnson: All of this is still performing for approval.

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Sheri Johnson: It's people pleasing people, pleasing, dressed in noble clothing.

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Sheri Johnson: trying to prove that you're not selfish, even if it's subconscious.

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Sheri Johnson: It's still about controlling how others see you.

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Sheri Johnson: So it's not actually behaving in your truth according to your true self.

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Sheri Johnson: It's behaving in a way that's trying to control how others view you.

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Sheri Johnson: Let's make sure that they view us as selfless, selfless.

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Sheri Johnson: So, as I was saying earlier.

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Sheri Johnson: the selfless woman myth is rooted in patriarchy and pronatalism. Maybe you've heard me talk about pronatalism on the podcast before it's come up a number of times.

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Sheri Johnson: We have been taught for millennia

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Sheri Johnson: that our worth lies in service to others.

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Sheri Johnson: and motherhood is the ultimate service role.

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Sheri Johnson: And so if you don't fill that role.

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Sheri Johnson: you're expected to compensate elsewhere for that

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Sheri Johnson: I invite you to just sort of think about how you might be compensating

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Sheri Johnson: elsewhere, or feeling like you need to. I've heard women say to me. I feel like I need to do something.

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Sheri Johnson: Oprah sized.

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Sheri Johnson: You know, we need to do something meaningful, impactful. We need to make up for the fact that we're not spending all of our time in service to our kids. So we need to be in service to others.

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Sheri Johnson: And even if you're not actually acting on that.

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Sheri Johnson: I invite you to just see how you might be feeling like you should.

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Sheri Johnson: So this actually is, this is costing us a lot.

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Sheri Johnson: And I think this is where

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Sheri Johnson: quite often, the, you know, there's also the busy mom ideal. And this is where childless women

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Sheri Johnson: feel just as busy as the moms. They're just busy with different things. But the pressure of this

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Sheri Johnson: can actually be theory tangible.

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Sheri Johnson: So what this is costing us is burnout in the same way that mothers get burnt out.

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Sheri Johnson: We also get burnt out. I was burnt out.

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Sheri Johnson: I remember, in my early forties going to see a naturopath, and I. She asked me, on a scale of one to 10 how stressed I was.

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Sheri Johnson: and I said about 5, and this is after explaining to her that I was dealing with

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Sheri Johnson: infertility treatments, a miscarriage.

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Sheri Johnson: I was working all kinds of overtime at work. I was volunteering on a board.

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Sheri Johnson: I was planning my wedding.

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Sheri Johnson: and we had also had a death in the family that we were sort of reeling from. We were really reeling from. This was my husband's brother.

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Sheri Johnson: and I told her my stress level was 5,

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Sheri Johnson: and she looked at me and said, really 5.

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Sheri Johnson: Meanwhile, what she was seeing on my test results and all that sort of thing was that I was completely burned out. My adrenal glands were shot.

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Sheri Johnson: I was. I was totally burnt out. I was over giving.

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Sheri Johnson: I was doing all the things.

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Sheri Johnson: and I actually couldn't handle it. I just didn't see it.

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Sheri Johnson: The other thing this costs us.

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Sheri Johnson: We feel a lot of resentment

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Sheri Johnson: for not feeling seen, not feeling appreciated.

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Sheri Johnson: For all the things we do. Instead, we're just called selfish

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Sheri Johnson: when we do all of these other things.

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Sheri Johnson: It also causes us to disconnect from our own truth

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Sheri Johnson: our true desires, and our intuition.

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Sheri Johnson: We stop doing what we really desire, what what feels aligned for us.

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Sheri Johnson: and instead do the things that we think are going to help us to appear selfless.

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Sheri Johnson: Coming back around to the story of my friend who lost his mom.

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Sheri Johnson: I started to really think about how I was buying into that narrative, how I was trying to hustle for my worth, to make sure I wasn't seen as selfish, even though that was, it was very unconscious. I didn't know I was doing it

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Sheri Johnson: and trying to compensate. Didn't know I was doing that either.

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Sheri Johnson: even when I 1st started this coaching business, I used it as a way to feel like I was making a positive contribution to the world.

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Sheri Johnson: And of course, that's a good thing making a positive contribution.

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Sheri Johnson: but it's only in the last couple of years that I really feel like I'm doing it because it's aligned with my soul.

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Sheri Johnson: It's a calling, not a way of appearing unselfish.

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Sheri Johnson: so I'm wondering what would you say? No to

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Sheri Johnson: if you weren't afraid of being called selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: And what would you say? Yes to

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Sheri Johnson: if you weren't afraid of being called selfish?

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Sheri Johnson: I'd like to actually reframe the word selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: What if that just means honoring your needs as equally worthy as anyone else's needs.

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Sheri Johnson: When does selfish actually become a dirty word?

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Sheri Johnson: What if it just means honoring your needs as equally worthy as anyone else's needs in your life.

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Sheri Johnson: And what if self-worth value your value in the world had nothing to do with sacrifice

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Sheri Johnson: or approval or productivity, or nurturing or giving.

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Sheri Johnson: This is the work of what I call unbecoming.

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Sheri Johnson: It's all about reclaiming the parts of us that we abandoned

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Sheri Johnson: in order to fit into this patriarchal pronatalist box

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Sheri Johnson: the parts of us that we gave up parts of us that are our true selves in order to be liked and seen as selfless.

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Sheri Johnson: This has really become a key pillar in our rise and reclaim framework for childless women.

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Sheri Johnson: If you have ever felt this

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Sheri Johnson: kind of tug of war between honoring yourself and being seen as good as selfless.

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Sheri Johnson: I want you to know it's not just you. It's actually all of this patriarchal conditioning that we have

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Sheri Johnson: been born into, and it is possible to break free of that.

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Sheri Johnson: When you are ready to do that, to break free

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Sheri Johnson: of this, send me an email

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Sheri Johnson: at sherry, at Sherryjohnsonca with the word selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: and we will explore how to reframe the word. Your needs everything around that the patriarchy.

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Sheri Johnson: this framework rise and reclaim. It doesn't just teach you how to fix. It's not about fixing yourself.

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Sheri Johnson: It shows you how to reclaim who you were

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Sheri Johnson: before the world told you to be selfless.

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Sheri Johnson: So if you want that email, me, I've got the link in the show notes to my email address, email me the word selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: and we'll explore.

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Sheri Johnson: So I'm going to leave you with just something to reflect on

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Sheri Johnson: and watch for this in future episodes.

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Sheri Johnson: I want to, you know, leave you with something to reflect on, something to think about, something to percolate

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Sheri Johnson: this week.

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Sheri Johnson: Notice where you say yes, just to avoid feeling selfish.

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Sheri Johnson: and notice where you maybe say no, and feel guilty about it.

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Sheri Johnson: And what would you change, or what would change if you trusted

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Sheri Johnson: that a no is just as sacred as a yes.

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Sheri Johnson: I will leave you with that.

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Sheri Johnson: Come back next week for another episode.

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Sheri Johnson: and if you found this episode valuable I would be forever grateful if you liked, subscribed.

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Sheri Johnson: If you're on apple podcasts.

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Sheri Johnson: rate and review, give me a 5 star review. That's how other people find this other people who really need to hear this stuff

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Sheri Johnson: to hear these episodes. That's how they find me is when you show that you found it valuable.

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Sheri Johnson: So please do that, I would be so grateful. Thank you.

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Sheri Johnson: and thank you so much for listening. Come back next week for another episode, bye, for now.