Carlie Roe, Part 2: Old Narratives, Limiting Beliefs and an Alcohol Free Life

This episode is a continuation of a previous interview with Jay’s wonderful fiancé, Carlie Roe. In the last recording, the couple explored some major obstacles Carlie has overcome to be where she is today, and in this interview they pick up where they left off on Carlie’s evolution. Carlie discusses working through old narratives and limiting belief systems that caused a lot of self-doubt while entering into her new career, and she talks about some lessons related to delayed gratification. Jay and Carlie also get into the details of why Carlie made the choice to stop drinking alcohol, and why she still hasn’t had a sip in over 3 years. There’s even some relationship and sex talk in this one. All the bases are covered – no pun intended.

Carlie's Instagram: @carlieroeartistry
Carlie's Blog: The Positive Hairstylist

Instagram: @comingintofocus
www.comingintofocus.org
Twitter: Coming_To_Focus

Transcript

spk_0:   0:01
this is coming into focus. The podcast about all things mental health, and I'm your host. Jay Wick License, Marriage and family Therapist. Hey, everyone. Today's episode is a continuation of a previous interview with my wonderful fiancee, Carly Row. In the last recording, we got into some major op schools Carly has overcome to be where she is today. So I highly recommend you check that one out if you have it yet, and in this interview, we pick up where we left off on Carly's evolution. Carly discusses working through old narratives and limiting belief systems that caused a lot of self doubt while entering into a new career, and we talk about some lessons related to delayed gratification. We also get into the details of why Carly made the choice to stop drinking alcohol and why she still hasn't had a sip in over three years. There's even some relationship and sex talk in this one. We cover all the bases, no pun intended. I'm so unbelievably proud of this woman, and I hope you all find her as inspiring as I did. Auto tune is recording.

spk_1:   1:26
Oh, hey,

spk_0:   1:29
you're about to drop your new album. Yeah, All right, we are back for round two. I'm sitting here with the lovely Miss Carly Row, a k a Carly, maybe a Carly Row artistry a k a. The positive hairstylists, a k a genius

spk_1:   1:50
won't wake us. Thank you for having me back. I'm excited to continue where we left off,

spk_0:   1:55
right? So where we left off, what we were just getting into, I guess the story Up to this point, we've been telling your story how we met some relationship stuff, all those different things, and we're getting into you going back. You had never finished high school. You got your G e d. And then basically through the long story, all of that we kind of left where you had basically just started beauty school and beauty school. You were super excited. And then first couple weeks into it, it was a bit of a shock going back, being in school again, sort of old narratives that you had around school were coming up and thinking that you're not smart and that you can't do it and whatever all this general discomfort was starting to come about. And so you were kind of like

spk_1:   2:45
I don't think

spk_0:   2:46
this is for me. And then for the subsequent, however many was it like a year? How long was beauty school?

spk_1:   2:53
11 months.

spk_0:   2:54
11 months? I woke up every morning going It's gonna

spk_1:   2:57
be a great day today. You're gonna get up, go to school.

spk_0:   3:01
So, yeah, maybe that's where we can jump into a ce faras when you started and kind of when you finally started to get sure, maybe the training wheels were on, and then the training will start to come off.

spk_1:   3:11
Yeah, I think the biggest thing was, I think we went over. I initially felt like, wow, I really, really belong here. This is something so amazing. Um and then it quickly I went back to that old narrative where it was like, Oh, my gosh, what am I doing? I can't retain information. Like all these things that I have been telling myself all these years. Even though I had just past the g e d. I just re taught everything like I was breaking through those narratives. It still was in me and, um, kind of messing with my head. So thank goodness for you,

spk_0:   3:45
and not and you know, not to toot my own horn because this is about you, right? So But I did give you a push because prior to some of that stuff you may be hadn't been as encouraged around school, Thio pushed through those things or to challenge yourself as much. And it was just sort of now, your butt up against the staying and old patterns were coming out. Where is just like, whatever saw for me run away

spk_1:   4:07
totally. And I could just quit and exactly run away.

spk_0:   4:11
And you had said also to you've shared with me that there was kind of with your brother. It was kind of always like, you know,

spk_1:   4:19
James could do everything. And James is athletic, and James is smart in math. And James is this

spk_0:   4:23
And then you were kind of like

spk_1:   4:24
that. No, it don't

spk_0:   4:25
worry. You

spk_1:   4:26
don't have the creative one, right? Yeah. I'm a very artistic but not necessarily book smart. And

spk_0:   4:32
And that but that not in a bad way or a negative way. But that was kind of maybe in a way, to try to support you and make you feel better about yourself, Like,

spk_1:   4:42
Hey, don't worry. You can't do math you're the creative one that you don't know. Don't

spk_0:   4:46
worry about science. Your created right. But then also, some of that led to you. Now you're trying to study again and things, and I'm sure those voices in your head or like you don't know chemistry.

spk_1:   4:56
Your ability, right? Um, and then, you know, fast forward a little bit. And I started realizing, like, actually really like learning. And I'm a lot more capable than I thought. And I was retaining information really fast, even though I thought I wasn't if I was proving it, like on tests and stuff like that. So I kind of got into the groove of things, but yeah, it took It took quite a little while to be like, Oh, God, I'm not gonna run for the hills today, right? Or maybe I'll just quit and turn my car around right now like no one will ever know.

spk_0:   5:30
You just go hang out to be Children,

spk_1:   5:32
drive to Arizona and never come back. Um,

spk_0:   5:35
that's a common fantasy. Maybe not Arizona,

spk_1:   5:38
but I don't know why I was the first state I thought

spk_0:   5:41
Lake Powell is that we're like,

spk_1:   5:43
no. Anyways, um,

spk_0:   5:46
well, so something that I was thinking about to just a side note is it's interesting how powerful these narratives are in our lives and these deeply embedded belief systems or whatever that we have, Right? So, like all of this stuff that's telling you, I don't study well, I don't retain information. Well, I'm not a good test taker. And then you would come home after having got an A on a test that you didn't have even time to study for because you were working doubles. Basically, you were going to the restaurant at night getting home at, like, 11 30 or 12 some nights, and then you'd get an A on the test in you. But then the next test would come and you'd be like, I just can't do it. I'm not good at that. I don't retain information well, and I'd be like, big. I think that you retain information a lot better. You keep doing so good on all these tests, so But that's just kind of the point out. You know that those things air deep in there, and even when the evidence presents otherwise, it's still this story that you tell about yourself

spk_1:   6:42
totally you start thinking or I started thinking like, Oh, no, that test was just a fluke. Like I'm not gonna retain this next information for this next test. So yeah, they're they're deeply embedded Where Whether you realize that or not s O. But, yeah, I started to learn that quick. So I went from, you know, working at the restaurant. Some shifts would start it like 11 o'clock. You know, I was before beauty school before I met you in a heavy partying phase. You know, I would wake up and say, Oh, I have to wake up so early and get ready for my shift at, like, 11 or noon. And then, you know, it felt like it. Fast forward so quickly into eight hours at school, sometimes nine hours to get extra credit and then changing in my car to go straight thio another sometimes eight hour shift at night

spk_0:   7:30
like a 4 p.m. shift when school would get out, like 3 30 or something, right? Exactly looking it down. There's

spk_1:   7:35
traffic toe Cardiff, you know, literally changing at stoplights. Like people looking at me. Yeah, tears usually are involved. Thio eating. Um but it just kind of. I felt like it happened really quick. One lifestyle to the next, so to speak. So it's kind of a big wake up call at once.

spk_0:   7:55
Yeah. So, having doing that, I guess that the timeline of some of this was you've got the g d. Then you got into school started school trying to adjust to school and getting up early and all of this other stuff sort of trying to rearrange some of these old beliefs that you had about yourself. But at the same time, you were working at a restaurant, the same restaurant that we had both worked at. I worked there for 10 years prior to you even working there. And you worked there for, like, nine years, right? But never both of us. Never at the same time. So you were still doing that, and you're able to actually make a good amount of money, waiting tables and all that. But it was I mean, starting getting up at six. In the morning or whatever. Starting school going to school all day and then someday is not being done with your day and tell 11 30 or 12 at night.

spk_1:   8:39
Yeah, it was

spk_0:   8:41
doing it all over again.

spk_1:   8:42
Exactly. Yeah. I also in the middle of everything was kind of stopping drinking. I was. I stopped smoking during all of this. It was there was a ton of lifestyle changes.

spk_0:   8:54
Yeah, e mean so we can go into that for a second. How you use just kind of casually grade over stopping drinking. I've been in recovery for February Will be 10 years. I was anything probably seven years before I met you or something like that. Or six years, six and 1/2. But why did you stop drinking? And how did that even come about?

spk_1:   9:19
Initially, it was in support of you and support of myself. Of course, I found out when I was working on my g d like when I stopped partying as much and going out like how much I was able to accomplish and how I saw those little snippets even though I was still drinking. When you and I first started dating. When I wasn't, I just noticed my life was completely changing and I was able to do so much, so yeah, that's kind of how it started was halfway. Just, you know, obviously for myself, um, and support of you other people. I knew that were in recovery, too, and it just didn't really feel like it wind up with my values anymore.

spk_0:   9:58
So I mean, I kind of have a different recollection off how started to. And I mean, that's not take away from your accuracy of all of the things that led into it seeming like it was a good idea. But there was the space where, like when we first started dating, you'd have a martini would go out, and I think that I would be, like, drink, drink. It doesn't matter to me like it was a space of me wanting to feel quote unquote normal. Yes. Yeah. So I'd be like, Look, it doesn't bother me.

spk_1:   10:28
You are almost encouraging of it, in a sense,

spk_0:   10:30
which that sounds creepy.

spk_1:   10:33
No, but I didn't even think of that.

spk_0:   10:36
You were always encouraging.

spk_1:   10:38
Take up, drink up. I didn't mean it like that, but continue.

spk_0:   10:43
No, but it was I was, I guess, because it was sort of a space of trying to feel like normal. Look, you can live your life still however you want, and I'm not gonna adjust it or change it

spk_1:   10:54
right? Just cause I'm, you know, in recovery or not drinking doesn't mean you don't have to

spk_0:   10:58
write. And it really doesn't bother me and didn't bother me. Except for I think one time we had met up you had been cooking dinner. You probably had some wine or something like that. Then you end up coming over to my place and I smelled a little bit and then you were like, No, I haven't been drinking and I was like, Look, there's no judgment, I don't care. But the one thing that I just want is that it's not like a secretive thing or that it's not a thing that if you like that, you feel like you. It's uncomfortable to hang out with me sober or something like that, which I know that it wasn't but at that point, and then you got embarrassed and I felt bad that I was like, shaming you or something. But most of it it was just, Hey, I just don't want it to be secretive thing. You could be open about it and tell me about it, and I just don't want you, like drive over here If you're thinking, obviously. Yeah. Ah. But then so then the next day, we went to do a photo shoot, and if we went and shot a surprise engagement and you came with me helped me, and that was the day that you said, I think I'm gonna try to stop for, like, 30 days.

spk_1:   12:00
Yeah, I forgot about all of this. Yeah. Wow, that's that's true. And you, you know, had never said anything like that's what I should do or anything like that. It was just something that I felt in my gut like that night before was kind of a wake up call and then feeling so strongly about you while we were, like, watching this engagement shoot to it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. Like, what am I doing? Like this is not lining up with the lifestyle that I could see myself having with this guy, right? And so yeah, I forgot that it I had said, um I'm gonna try it for 30 days. And and you clearly stated that's not something you have to do. But I really appreciate it. And

spk_0:   12:41
yeah, it was we were shooting. Ah, surprise engagement in La Hoya on the bluffs. And then I think after getting back in the car, you said I'm gonna try this. And then I was like, I think I felt initially may be uncomfortable because it's that space of your changing for me and it feels awkward and it puts more of a spotlight on me that I have an issue. Or so you know, um, but then I think I was also comfortable in just being like, Okay, if this is your decision, plus the restaurant atmosphere with what you were doing at the time, anyways, like school in all of that, the restaurant atmosphere that we worked at was a party atmosphere. People are always drinking, taking shots. Even if you're not getting drunk, you're alcohol's there. People are going out on a Tuesday night after with a pocketful of cash. It's just everyone's partying all the time so that it was a hard thing. You made that decision and you are very strict about it. And that's kind of like you wouldn't even do a little like we call like a straw taster. You know where somebody makes a new drink and you taste it first sip it from the straw. You really tried to be.

spk_1:   13:41
I really stuck with it. Yeah, I think that's one thing that I kind of learned about myself to is like, if actually, I mean, this sounds super cheesy, but like, if I really say I'm going to do something, I will stick with that 100%. Yeah.

spk_0:   13:56
You have a little stubbornness in you.

spk_1:   13:58
Yeah, it's almost like a proving Even if it's to myself. I, like, have toe be determined to like, I don't know, follow through with this thing. I got a little stubborn side for sure.

spk_0:   14:08
That's a great It's a determined, relentless quality. So this is we're talking about three. This initial thing at the beginning, you're going to do it for 30 days.

spk_1:   14:18
And I remember, too. If I could cut in really quick, which this was meant a lot to me, I think which led me to go past 30 days. Eventually was you expressed to me that nobody had really done that for you before or even thought about doing that or talked with you about that, Um and that that had meant something to you, which, of course, in turn meant something to me and made me like, Wow, this was a cool decision. Like, maybe I'll stick with this for longer than 30 days after I had hit that point. So

spk_0:   14:49
yeah, that was a thing of

spk_1:   14:51
kind of bonded us

spk_0:   14:52
reflecting afterwards and thinking about why I tell people, Oh, drink, it doesn't bother me and whatever and all of this effort, then coming to like a conclusion that it's to try to make me feel more comfortable or more normal. But then being able to accept this sort of gift that you're giving of, like, Hey, I'm going to give up this thing that everyone does, that I don't necessarily need to give up. I'm still in an environment where everybody's partying, whatever, and I'm gonna try to do this thing sort of in support of you, right? I was huge for me because not not saying that anybody should change their lives. If you don't have a problem with substances, you don't need to change your life, maybe need to evaluate something or whatever, but I've worked with enough people, and I've seen enough stuff working at the treatment center stuff where family members are sort of It's really, always really sad and shocking to me when a person goes into recovery, especially what drinking is one thing, right? But like even at any aspect there and then they're like, Yeah, I'm you know, they're five days into recovery and they're like, I was out with my parents today and they were having beers at lunch with me, and it's like your family won't even make an adjustment temporarily. I had past relationships where it was brought up all the time. Like, I can't believe you're never gonna be able to drink again. We're never going to be able to have a drink together. And I'd be like,

spk_1:   16:06
Fucking deal

spk_0:   16:06
with it, right? Like, why do you keep bringing up this thing? One that's hurtful thing to me still, cause I'm trying to process being in recovery and shame around that all whatever. But you keep bringing up a thing that I cannot change, but you're sort of passively pushing me to change it. Or, you know,

spk_1:   16:22
also, it's this great thing that, like you're making a change in your life that you really needed to do to save your life, too. I for me personally. I was the complete opposite that first day, even though we were meeting about photography when we met at Starbucks. That was one of the things that I found most attractive to you from the get go was that you didn't drink, even though I was still obviously drinking. And that time it was so attractive to me,

spk_0:   16:47
just kind of It's represented, like a potential stability or like safety or something that this person is not gonna get drunk and do something stupid. And

spk_1:   16:56
it was different, too. I had never dated anybody that didn't drink and, you know, new a ton of people who had substance abuse problems throughout my life. And, you know, it's hard to watch, whether it's friends or whoever. So just found it really again. Enticing.

spk_0:   17:12
Yeah, so Well, thanks. Yes, I appreciate you doing that. But now it's three years later. A little over three years in

spk_1:   17:20
a little over three years for me,

spk_0:   17:21
and you have kept at it. You haven't had a drink, Not while in three years you went from. I'm gonna do this for 30 days to sort of getting to the 30 days and then feeling like I could go a little longer and a little long, and then you just keep pushing it. And it's not to say that you don't wanna have a drink like everyone's while you're like, ah, be nice to have a whisky right now,

spk_1:   17:42
right? My friends, you know, we'll have, like, a girls night now and now I'm finally have been in a place for a while where I'm comfortable going out with other people who are drinking, and I don't really think too much about it. Like, of course, it initially sounds like, Oh, that'd be kind of nice. And then it passes my mind, and it's really not a big deal. I'm very comfortable with this lifestyle now and my decision and where I'm at and what it's done for me and for us. But there was a time where it was super super hard.

spk_0:   18:09
Yeah, that first time that we went out to, um, one of our friends Mutual friend's birthday. Yeah, and everyone was drinking around you.

spk_1:   18:17
Oh, my God.

spk_0:   18:18
That's so hard. Yeah, like I'm I kind of found through my process that I used to go out. I'd sit with my friends, I'd stare in all their drinks and just sit there and be like this sucks that I can't Can I just look at all the FBI counting their drinks and whatever and then I learned to just, like, enjoy the company and build connections and have conversations and all that stuff slipped away. But then the first time that we sort of went out with everybody and all the drinks are around and you're like I just kept looking at that martini like,

spk_1:   18:45
Gosh, it was so hard. And now I remember what I was gonna say. I can go and have girls night with, you know, my old drinking friends and they'll ask me, Do you So you don't ever like Do you ever want a drink? I'm like, Oh, yeah, like it's not that it It's not like I have some, like, strong craving all the time. But like, of course, like once in a while, it sounds initially good. Like it's not like I'm just like I took a magic.

spk_0:   19:12
We didn't like a race. Your memory of that, it feels pleasurable to have a drink or that fun or whatever,

spk_1:   19:18
but what I have now surpasses all of that. So

spk_0:   19:23
and you've learned that you're actually, like, through. We have this shared experience and you and I talked about this today, I think, in the car where I had hit rock bottom essentially and so stopping substance use drinking all of that sort of is it should be, ideally a no brainer at that point, right? Like, I need to do this to save my life. So I can't. I have No, the bridges are burned. I can't go back the other way. I got to keep going forward. You don't necessarily have a problem. It wasn't a thing that you needed to stop. So at any point, you could kind of choose to go. I have This experiment's gone on long enough. I'd like to have a drink, and we've talked about it totally. And I wouldn't stop you.

spk_1:   20:06
Yeah, you're like, that would be fine if you decided that. Like, I trust you enough that that would be your decision and yeah, yeah,

spk_0:   20:14
but the thing we were talking about, which is interesting, is just that space of like you. Could it? Maybe. Who knows? If it's harder or not harder when you just choose to do it on your own as your own choice for health. And for you saw that it helped you be able Thio, get up earlier or be function Maur throughout the days and focus on your career and all these other things that are beneficial, right? But it wasn't that you needed to. And so it's like that space in your brain could easily be more like alive.

spk_1:   20:42
Tempting almost. Yeah, it can kind of be a little bit of Ah, not so much now, but, you know, once in a while and especially in the beginning, a little bit kind of a mind fuck. Like I could be doing this thing. Why am I not? Oh, yeah, That's why I'm not like I would go very back and forth mentally, like, almost kind of thinking to myself like Not that I would ever I don't want this to sound wrong. Like I would ever wish this upon. Anybody visits a terrible thing to go through, but like it would almost in my head and my experience, feel easier to have had a problem. And not to be more of a concrete reason of why I stopped you. Hope that doesn't

spk_0:   21:19
know makes sense wrong, but well, you can say it to me who had a severe problem, and it makes more. It makes sense, right? There is still the space where you go. Even having had a problem, you quickly forget how bad your problem was, right? And so there still is that space to be like, really? Do I need to do this for the rest of my life And what? But it's easier to go. Yo, you almost die like you're at a hospital bed dying. This should not be a thing in your life,

spk_1:   21:47
right? And I have watched so many people who have had that experience too. So it should be a very easy thing for me to come back to. And it is an easy thing to come back to mentally. To be like this is meant for me. This is you know, alcohol is not It was not really gonna lead down a great road Thio

spk_0:   22:08
potential to go down a bad place anyway.

spk_1:   22:11
Yeah, so, like, this is a lot better choice for me, But

spk_0:   22:15
so yeah, I mean, I feel that was this is kind of side tangent, but that was an important part to talk about, too, because that has been something that really benefited our relationship a lot.

spk_1:   22:25
I think so, too. I think it definitely was something that bonded us. And it kind of correct me if I'm wrong, but, like, kind of showed my commitment to you until, like, starting our life. That day when we did that photo shoot, it was kind of subconsciously my little way of being like, Hey, like, I'm going to change him some shit like you seem really worth it. I'm all in time to bring that back there. I'm here for the right reason.

spk_0:   22:51
You are here. You were for all the will and makes up that Rose. Yeah, And it means so much to me that you being a person in recovery, whatever part of recovery process, is learning how to deal with the fact that everyone around you still gonna use substances and drink and all that. So you have to come to terms with that and be accountable to yourself. But it makes it a very nice thing that we don't have wine and beer and things in the fridge all the time and that you're coming home from work every day and go and I need to have a cocktail and de stress way. And we don't go on vacations and spend the entire time drinking. And then we're hungover. Yeah, we get up and we get up and go to the gym on Sunday morning. Today is Sunday. We got up. We went and did an hour long walk on the coast and we went to the gym, came home, started doing podcast. I mean, working on projects like

spk_1:   23:43
it's a productive, motivating lifestyle we've created for ourselves, and it feels good to us. It's There's also no, um, you know, during arguments or disagreements there, there's nothing substance. Why's that? Gets in the way of like like s. So you were trying right? Like, That's right. A huge change, for I'm sure both of us compared to past relationships like not having that be an issue. Yeah, we're always clearheaded and

spk_0:   24:11
and I see it in my work that it's a huge issue for a lot of people. Regardless, if they have a substance issue or not, it's sort of weird how socially acceptable, especially drinking. Well, then everything. And people don't think twice about day drinking and being wiped for the rest of the day or having just keep drinking through the day Or that everyone is watching football right now is play offs. And so everyone started drinking at some point today, and not everyone but right. And you just sort of keep going and then

spk_1:   24:40
just a normal thing.

spk_0:   24:42
Yeah, you're just kind of sick and tired all the time because you're nursing a hangover. You

spk_1:   24:46
not miss that. I'm super grateful. It works for us. And it's nice that I found this lifestyle instead of the old one, for sure.

spk_0:   24:56
So which is a good segue? Way back into your career? You're in school. You're sort of wrapping up with school and all of that. I used to ah, be your guinea pig on come lets you do men's haircuts on me when you had no idea what you were doing.

spk_1:   25:15
No, Absolutely not.

spk_0:   25:16
I would go to work. And Lauren, my old boss, says I'm Carly.

spk_1:   25:21
Cut your hair like

spk_0:   25:23
Yep, I'm trying to be supportive.

spk_1:   25:26
You were my first haircut. I still have the paper. Um, that was like you signing basically, like a mini waiver saying that you are. I don't know what it says, but some kind of like meeting waiver. Yeah. Yeah.

spk_0:   25:38
Like little test dummies that come in, You're practicing on doll heads and other things. And then it's like you got to bring a live body in for a

spk_1:   25:44
pretty soon. Yeah, I had to do that,

spk_0:   25:46
but I got my hair cut there all the time from you for a while. Yeah. Now I don't just give it That's more just timing and things and

spk_1:   25:54
yeah, totally scheduling. And

spk_0:   25:56
I can go get a 30 minute air cut real quick at the barber shop.

spk_1:   25:59
Yeah, so let's see going. So I did an extra in ship while I was during school. My best friend in beauty school, And I were I don't know if we were the only ones that qualified for it, but we were the only ones that took it. So every Saturday, I would go to school, go to theory, and then I'd go to my extra in ship, um, and then go to work. So, like, it was almost like a mini trial run in a salon.

spk_0:   26:22
Yeah, and I mean so the place that you got the ex turn ship is the place that you currently work.

spk_1:   26:29
Stylists correct? They actually, during beauty school when the option of doing an excellent ship was being presented to me. They gave me a list of, um, local places, you know, like, ah, different little shops that weren't really mom and pop places. They were kind of like chain haircut shops. Right? And I knew that that didn't feel right to me. And so I went to the principal and I asked, Hey, are there any requirements where I could pick my own salon to go to? And I research the heck out of all of North County to find out. Here's the requirements of the salon I looking for. Ask if he'll accept an extra in ship. So I kind of custom picked this place that I really felt honestly like I wouldn't fit in. I was super nervous. Witten pushed myself applied there anyways, Got the extra in ship. Just a backtrack.

spk_0:   27:19
Well, yeah, it

spk_1:   27:20
was another thing to push through.

spk_0:   27:21
The place is called Jaden Presley.

spk_1:   27:23
Yep. It's my current salon. I've been there. I'm going on three and 1/2 years now

spk_0:   27:28
in you at the time just to add some more detailed to the story. The salon is beautiful. It's gorgeous. It's changed a little bit since, you know, she's always kind of changing up stuff and get new furniture and whatever. But the salon itself is huge. It's beautiful, great looking, very spacious, right in the village in Carlsbad Village,

spk_1:   27:47
very high end luxury field.

spk_0:   27:49
And that was a thing, though, too. Thio sort of called acted old narratives, Whatever you saw the beauty of the salon or that it looked like it was a high end place. And then that kind of freaked you out and made you, like, what? You were drawn to it. I wanted to be in that place.

spk_1:   28:07
I thought to go there to even get that extra in ship to be able to. I wanted to be there. Yeah, but I just specifically remember telling you, like, Look, look at this place. I I wouldn't fit in there. They wouldn't want me there, you know? Look at me. I have pink hair and tattoos and whatever, and I know that that's we're totally but like at that time being such a newbie and not being in any other salon. Um,

spk_0:   28:31
and it just sort of comes back to narratives. Not good enough told or whatever you put your own foot. This salon is better than me. And so I'm gonna go Just try to find the one chair place or the whatever way that maybe

spk_1:   28:46
would accept me, And I'd be easier toe,

spk_0:   28:48
you'd be a little more comfortable, at least. Yeah,

spk_1:   28:51
but I pushed myself after long talks with you and ended up getting hired as an ex turn and had absolutely no idea what I was doing a little direction since it was my first salon and they had already had assistance and busy time. So I I was just a little extra in trying to know when to sweep stations and not getting people's way and, you know,

spk_0:   29:12
washing the towels, clean it up,

spk_1:   29:15
totally learning where stuff is. I mean, it was just so nerve racking. And I had gotten up early to go to school prior to that and then work after. So it was just It was kind of a whirlwind at that time, so just keeping, I just kept pushing through. Even though I still didn't feel good enough, I

spk_0:   29:30
just managing the Discover.

spk_1:   29:31
Totally. That was the first time, Really. In my whole life, I had really been pushing through that. So it definitely took some getting used to

spk_0:   29:39
you. And you. I mean, the one thing that you I guess my story behind this is you had a work ethic that you brought with you from loss, a loss from working in the restaurant, which it was different. Not that it the work ethics, the same. But restaurant is fast paced, never stopped moving, always doing something. So at least when you went into the extra ship and you didn't know what the hell you were doing, you like, we're trying to at least stay busy and do stuff, whatever. But you were also, at the same time, like wrestling with the space of like, I

spk_1:   30:10
don't think I'm doing it right. And I don't think I'm doing it enough like your suite in here and watch and learn like that's okay to do. I'm not speed walking and carrying stuff like

spk_0:   30:22
right? It was a different pace.

spk_1:   30:24
Totally change of environment for sure. So, yeah, I was doing that. I finished up. I kind of fast forward to graduating, I would say. And besides, that G D certificate that came in the mail and the tears of passing that last math test, this was the first time I had ever graduated anything in my whole life. And I had a graduation. And so, of course, come more tears. The second most proud thing I had ever done. I had felt so proud of myself.

spk_0:   30:53
You accomplished. You pushed through from beginning of wanting to run away, and that ended up making it all the way through and got your diploma. They do a little pyramid for you and you walk out and then you run through it. You have to

spk_1:   31:05
play our music and

spk_0:   31:06
bright pink hair at the time. Like Z on. Yeah, yeah, you were loving.

spk_1:   31:11
Whole family was their only friends. And so near, I think a few days, um, close to the last day of my extra in ship. The girl that I was, I was assisting the whole salon. But one of the people that from pictures I was so drawn to at the salon, she also had tattoos. She was doing a lot of fantasy color. She was kind of the reason that I'm like, Oh, maybe I would fit in there and like So I really looked up to her and started assisting her. Mostly she actually pulled me aside and asked me, Hey, what's your plan after this? And to be honest, my plan was not to do an assistant program because I had had this thing in my head that I was gonna be so good at this right off the bat, right?

spk_0:   31:55
You were just gonna come out of school, ideally in your head. I think you were. I'm gonna come out of school. I'm gonna go into boo threat, Totally gonna be my own boss. And I'm gonna crush it.

spk_1:   32:04
Yeah, and it's just gonna be so like it's gonna come so easy, like, I don't need to be doing all this other stuff. So that was obviously a humbling experience, because I learned quick that was not the right route for me. That was not I needed more practice. I needed more salon time. Um and then I learned, of course, all the other perks that other salons that aren't booth rent have to offer in anyway, So I chatted with her, and, um, she was going into barbering school and needed, ah, assistant to the whole salon, but a personal assistant to her while she was doing, like cramming all of her clients into her off days. So I made another sacrifice Thio that made my schedule working seven days a week between still working at the restaurant and then starting this new assistant program of which, by the way, I had to go back and get rehired and re interviewed for that. Pushed through that got hired, started with her, started with the whole salon, slowly learned. But yeah, another battle was again. I was back to like,

spk_0:   33:08
we're back to square one. It's fair one. Yeah. Learning now a new thing. Try and you're you have expectations. People want something. How do you

spk_1:   33:16
totally and I'm so hard on myself anyway, So, um and then just being tired of doing don't, you know, tired from doing doubles and all that. Um, but again, I just kept pushing through and being like, Look, this is what I have to do right now to get to where I want to be. And I know that this experience has something to offer me and even though I still didn't feel good enough. I didn't feel maybe like I was in the right spot because I was so scared. I think it just came from a place of fear.

spk_0:   33:44
It's a fight or flight. It's like your brain's just telling you whatever it needs to hear, Yeah, to get you out of the threat, you know? Yeah. You don't belong here. Oh, you're right, Brain. Thanks for letting me know.

spk_1:   33:56
And when you're in that and you're so exhausted, it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, I remember just to backtrack a second. A speaking of, like, tired. I remember my best friend. Yes. You, um my best friend in beauty school. Ah, she had a son and she was working full time after school as well. And we were, you know, she was really my rock during those school days. Besides, of course, family and you. And before theory, we were sitting down. We were so exhausted. We have both done doubles. Her son kept her up that night like all this stuff was happening in our art, our outside lives and we were trying to focus on school and the girl sitting next to us was like this young girl. Yes. And I were, I think, two of the oldest in our class From what I remember, And this young girl said, Oh, gosh, I'm so tired. I think I got too much sleep last night. Have just been sleeping so much I will never forget the look that yes, he and I gave each other. We were just like that. Look of are you fucking kidding me? But

spk_0:   34:59
you're too much sleep.

spk_1:   35:00
You got too much sleep. And here we are like chugging coffee, chugging energy drinks, like just trying to stay afloat. Anyways, it was just like a funny memory I had that was just like, Well, well, we're not all in the same place. Don't say anything.

spk_0:   35:16
Makes it that much more. I don't know prideful or much more of an accomplishment when you have put in that level of work, I think something that I was thinking about, too. So going from you were still working at the restaurant. But go in into this idea that you were gonna have to do an assistant program for a year or however long, and you're not necessarily going onto the floor yet. And being your own stylist in Boston, making the money, there was this kind of idea that you were taking a step back or that you weren't good enough

spk_1:   35:46
and that when I got out of school, I wasn't just gonna start making all this money. You know, like the potential in this career. If you work hard enough, you can start off making quite a bit build your clientele. You know, it

spk_0:   36:01
It was it was like, the allure of I could go into this and making money. But also, don't you think that the assistance program trying

spk_1:   36:10
to step back?

spk_0:   36:10
Well, yeah, I was going to say it kind of also indicated, like, you're not good enough yet. You need to be. Yeah. Yeah. And then I would share with you all the time. The quote that I found when I was going through grad school, working full time at Trader Joe's. Having internships do No, but and I'd be like, doing, like, seven days a week tutor in that time. And we didn't know each other yet at that point, but I used to read this quote to myself. All the time that said, Are you willing to live a few years of your life like most people won't. So you can live the rest of your life like most people can't.

spk_1:   36:43
I still love that quote so much.

spk_0:   36:45
It's so great. Especially when you're going through something like that where you're like, I don't want to be doing this. I want a springboard ahead. Told what the reality is, you have to delay that gratification a little bit. Because if you do try to, like, jump over all the steps to get you are you know where you think that you're supposed to be You're gonna miss out on all the education. You might not be prepared enough you might not have. So it's like, Are you willing Thio sacrifice that time to know that in the long run, you're probably gonna come out the other side that much further ahead of the people who just went straight in, you know, like somebody just left and they went straight to fantastic Sam's or whatever. Totally. I'm sure they're getting education there, too. But like you got a different level of education and social assistant program.

spk_1:   37:28
Oh, absolutely, yeah, and it took me much longer than you know, Say I was going by the norm and saying that most assistant programs last like a year. But since I was doing those doubles to try and obviously still make my bills and still, you know, have everything met ended up taking me, like, a year and 1/2. So it was, like, even more like delayed gratification, like pushing myself to, like, keep pushing through, like, keep taking these classes like this is a value this is gonna pay off like but at the same time, like Fuck this is taking me so long. I'm seeing my friends, you know, from school on other hair. Says I followed that are doing all these amazing things that I want to be doing And why isn't that me yet? But obviously in the long run, it was so beneficial. And I'm so happy that I did that. And I was so lucky to have done at the salon that I was at because I did get so much education. That was

spk_0:   38:22
Yeah. I mean, Rick Kelly higher the owner. I mean, she brings in a lot of education and she does things and she has a lot of stuff for all you guys. Absolutely. I mean, it helped sort of nurture you in tow total around the team of people that also you guys had classes every Tuesday morning. Right about that.

spk_1:   38:41
Oh, yeah. So yeah, I'm really grateful for all of that. Because if I would have jumped right in Oh, my gosh. The mistakes and the embarrassment like it just would have probably crushed me

spk_0:   38:53
because it was still crush it. Like you were still your in a place where you're still making mistakes and you're learning things and not what I remember being It's hard for anybody. It's hard for me moving in tow from grad school and then my internship, where I sort of was getting all this praise all the time. And people were like, You're so good and, you know, and then I

spk_1:   39:12
kind of got in beauty school, right? I got a ton of, like, cool colors and, like, I was really good at that.

spk_0:   39:16
You're the standout, Kind of.

spk_1:   39:18
I mean, not to stick a little bit in

spk_0:   39:20
a way, right?

spk_1:   39:21
Yeah, totally. Yes. You and I both had all the fun colors. Everyone was jealous of that like, But they just came to us and we hustled and got people in there that you know, weren't just beauty school people. So anyways,

spk_0:   39:33
but yeah, I mean, that's so that but that space of getting feeling some mistakes, making him but maybe not necessarily up. You're on your own yet or you're in. You know, you're able to, like, make them with a safety net, sort of. And then somebody can help correct you. And you can call somebody over, please,

spk_1:   39:51
and being ableto you know, except those corrections and be like, all right, you're not the star of the show. This is not coming as easy as you thought it would like. You have a lot of shit to learn. And, like just being accepting of that was hard.

spk_0:   40:07
Yeah, so And that kind of brings me to something that I was thinking about because I'm the last podcast. We also ended talking about our relationship and some of the juicy things that we could talk about and whatever else, But one thing that I was thinking thinking about is this thing that we've talked about a lot of times where we never necessarily had like the honeymoon phase in our relationship. And we because we moved in really quick.

spk_1:   40:31
Yeah, we moved in, like, three and 1/2 4 months after.

spk_0:   40:35
Yeah, I mean, very quick dating. And we told this story about that. How way moved in because we had been dating and talking. And then both of our leases were ending, and I was moving to North County and, you know, maybe you would go to school. So we jumped in, moved in together, we had separate rooms,

spk_1:   40:51
start. It's, you know, but yeah. Cool. You started at the treatment center. I mean, it was opposite schedules, never saw each other. There was no honeymoon phase, right in the beginning at all

spk_0:   41:02
in the dating space. In the beginning, we were in the same sex, you know, karma. No having fun, going over to each other's houses and hanging out spending the night at our

spk_1:   41:10
dates. We I fell for you super fast. I mean, there was emotionally some. Yeah, but even

spk_0:   41:18
in the space that people tend to talk about where it's like this all the time, passion and whatever and everything's carefree and whatever. As soon as we moved in I was in the middle of starting my career and I was at this space in when you graduate grad school and then you move into what? Now they They called it an intern before, but now it's called an associate on. That's the space where you have to get the 3000 hours, and yet you're you're all that is You're getting those hours and documenting them and doing supervision, all these things, and then you start studying for that test. That's like a 45 hour test. I'm doing that. You've just finished school or you're out. You're still in school. Whatever. You're going into school, you're going into your ex turn ship until all the So we're basically working on our careers and all these things at the same time. And like two ships passing in the night, totally, really stressful, working through emotions and self doubt and all of these crazy things,

spk_1:   42:16
we wouldn't have moved in together as quick as we did. And we both started these careers separately and stuff and had similar schedules to what we had that time. Hands down. I don't think that we would have been able to really make a relationship work because we truly did not see each other like, thank goodness we live together so that we could say hi in the morning at 6 30 in the morning before we went to school and work or whatever and had the separate beds. So when I came home at midnight from the restaurant and you had to get up, you know,

spk_0:   42:42
I never like seven the next, you know? Yeah,

spk_1:   42:45
it was just pretty ridiculous.

spk_0:   42:47
You need time to unwind after being at the restaurant all night running around. And I'm, like, trying to wait for you because I don't want I felt like I want to see you, but that it's like

spk_1:   42:57
I gotta shower from a 16

spk_0:   42:58
hours, and I I need to get up. Yeah, but that's so in one sense, that was a hard thing. Well, we were just going through the motions in doing it, so it was a rather thing, because we're facing all of these challenges together, and we're seeing that we're good at it. Together, we support each other. Well, we take, you know, 11 person, sort of down, the other person's up and we're helping each other through all that. But we also because of all of the stress because of the schedules, because of the the emotional toll I guess associated with making mistakes and being in you're out of your comfort zone every day for seven because you're trying something new, then there wasn't necessarily as much like carefree passion between us. Said we're

spk_1:   43:44
definitely Yeah, there. There really wasn't any time like any down time that we had or I guess maybe it was more on my side that I had. I was so exhausted, like what we both were. There was no, like passion, honeymoon like time for just 24 7 Love And I mean, we loved each other. But there was not sitting around eating Bon Bonds and making out every second,

spk_0:   44:10
right? We're like, you know, I was gonna elaborate on something else, but I guess to go on that now and to get a little vulnerable, we've gotten engaged. We're planning a wedding, all that other stuff, too. And things have stabilized somewhat, and so it feels like we're finally were, like, trying to get our honeymoon phase now kind of rare. We're having some different conversations about intimacy and sex. And we had your 30th birthday the other day and we went downtown, went to the Hustler sex shop. But we're looking around Italy. But like some of those things that maybe people do in their first year for six months and all of that, and you're like having all this fun and then you fall into complacency and all that. We've been working on this space for so long and not drinking. I mean, that was even a big thing to intimacy wise because it was just kind of like,

spk_1:   45:04
totally. I was used to drinking and using substances and parting my past relationships. And that led Thio.

spk_0:   45:10
The inhibitions are off, you know,

spk_1:   45:12
whatever. Exactly the inhibitions air eso facing that being not drunk the whole time That was something to get used to to and it was really uncomfortable.

spk_0:   45:24
The just the intimacy sober. Basically

spk_1:   45:27
kind of Yeah, because I I was more self conscious, more aware of every little thing that I was uncomfortable with or,

spk_0:   45:35
like, body images,

spk_1:   45:36
body image like Is this weird?

spk_0:   45:39
The lights are on and you can see everything.

spk_1:   45:42
Yeah, So that was something to get used to and another thing to work through. Yes, sir.

spk_0:   45:46
So I mean, which is crazy. We just been constantly working through all of these things forever. But it's really cool to see that we work through them so well. And we'll sit down and have hard conversations about sex or things and be like, Hey, we need Thio. What do we need to do? Or let's figure some stuff out not to say that we're like, lacking in any area on it, but no thio to come through that working so hard and just getting comfortable, kind of coming home from a long day and chillin and watching TV and then becoming like noticing like a were falling into a routine where we just see each other in sweatpants and whatever all the time. Hey, I want

spk_1:   46:23
to just become roommates like, but it's cool that, like you said, we can like, take those conversations and work through really, really uncomfortable things, like got to talk about like, it's hard shit to talk about

spk_0:   46:35
and that so in the sense of hardship to talk about to just while we're on the topic, I think another thing that's led to I mean a positive aspect of our relationship is we're able to also talk about past relationships past people that we've hooked up with or had sexual experience with things like that without ever getting judgment. Yeah, yeah, which b I guess maybe at the space that were out where one we've created such a secure attachment in relationship with each other to We've worked through so much stuff personally and together and feeling confident and all of that, that when it when it comes down to it, it's kind of like, Yeah, I know you're with me and with you

spk_1:   47:19
Totally. And whatever we did before is what it is. And we've both had weird experiences or great, like, whatever it would be.

spk_0:   47:27
We've both had partners prior to this,

spk_1:   47:29
right?

spk_0:   47:29
I'm aware

spk_1:   47:31
I'm 30. You're almost 40. We have a very mature, secure attachment with each other that I'm so grateful for, that we can totally talk openly and get into some nudie, gritty shit. And, like, be totally fine after we're not, like, jealous or, you know,

spk_0:   47:48
Yeah. I mean, even this this morning, you're laughing with your friend. They were like Kayla was making jokes about Ah, different dudes. shoes, beers, whatever. But I

spk_1:   47:59
went through a very single lifestyle when I lived down, down, and it was fun and I had Yeah, I was dating different people. And there is, you know,

spk_0:   48:08
which is funny, because at the same time, I was doing the same thing. So we're both, like, preparing each other for each other. And then once we're, you know, testing out what's out there in the field and realizing Oh, you know what? What I have here, Um anyway, I just thought as faras relationship I mean, I had a past relationship where my partner asked me how, like, demanded tell me how many sexual partners you've had. And then when I finally as uncomfortable as it was like, Why do you need to know this? What's the importance? Like what? Why would you benefit from know anything? But I'll tell you. And then I say that number whatever. And then the partner freaks out.

spk_1:   48:51
Oh my God,

spk_0:   48:52
you know, And it's not like a Senate extreme number, right,

spk_1:   48:56
But it makes you feel uncomfortable that you were vulnerable enough. Thio share that with her and then have it be some freak out like that's just insane trust issues. And

spk_0:   49:06
but then for you and I to just be ableto I mean, that was the first thing that I really liked to when I was with use. You just felt sort of you'll say that you didn't think you were that confident or whatever, but I I never saw you threatened by other women or never perceived me to be having wondering eyes or strain. Or even if you're not like whatever, he's gonna leave me and go after that person, and you're just like I'm confident who I am. And

spk_1:   49:34
I think Thio I can appreciate other women's beauty as well and not feel threatened by that because it's different than mine. And I'm not saying that that's an easy thing to do. But it is crazy, cause in past relationships, I was not that way. It also like for you to tell me that I was you personally received. To me, as confident and not jealous was wild because the people I was dating before you I was looking through phones and accusing and like being very like I I was more than anxious attachment that we were talking about before so finding that trust with us and like, feeling so comfortable with you and like, falling for you. It was just a totally different feeling than any of those insecure relationships I had had before. Like just being with you changed who I kind of became. So that was kind of quote like, made me come into my own Once I really found the one going back to bachelor.

spk_0:   50:31
The one talk so random beside conversation, we just went down there. But anyway, back to all of this, you're at Jane Presley. You're working now where you are today, working through all of the different stuff. You are a stylist on the floor. Yeah,

spk_1:   50:50
I was able to quit loss a loss which served me many great things in my life. Friends learning a lot from there, right? Grateful. But I was able to quit there two years ago,

spk_0:   51:01
and that was a scary thing to at the time, because the amount of money that you could make in a couple shifts could pay around or something. And then you're going to a steady paycheck and

spk_1:   51:10
step back, right? Yeah.

spk_0:   51:11
Perceived step back. Right. But it's that initially you gotta pull the the arrow back before you launch. It's

spk_1:   51:18
Yeah, I think that one little metaphor.

spk_0:   51:21
So I mean, where you are now, You One thing you love absolutely love the colors, color,

spk_1:   51:28
hair color and styling is what made me want to do here in general. Yeah, fantasy color

spk_0:   51:34
was just want

spk_1:   51:35
lights up my whole life. It is, um, any bright, like rainbow hair, pink, lavender. It's any unconventional hair color

spk_0:   51:44
as you're sitting here with purple hair. Yes,

spk_1:   51:47
and I've had about every single hair color known to man. But coming from like such an art background and like having my own painting company years ago and stuff, it feels like when I'm doing fantasy color or anything creative hair color wise, it feels like I'm at home with where I'm really supposed to be in this career.

spk_0:   52:08
Like it lights up your

spk_1:   52:09
soul lights of my soul, and it keeps me going to do all the other little things that I kind of have to do in between, right? Like not saying that I don't enjoy certain haircuts or stuff like that, but hair color is my jam,

spk_0:   52:22
right? That's in where you feel the most comfortable. You love it. It is not easy by any means, which is what I was gonna bring. So fantasy colors would be like your number one. If you were doing festival hair and all of these bright rainbow all the time and you had enough clients to come in, that would be your gym. You would just do those colors.

spk_1:   52:41
Absolutely. Just hair color specializing.

spk_0:   52:44
But in that you're also I guess you call yourself like a blonde specialist. You kill it at the blondes, The highlights, the Bali, all of those things.

spk_1:   52:53
I love bonding. Yeah,

spk_0:   52:54
said I know about all of these terms now because of going through all of school and everything when somebody I'd be like, You know, I think you should go for a ball yage and

spk_1:   53:04
you'll He'll text me, um, little like things. Like only gosh, you just saw this girl's hair extensions like she really needs to come See you are like this girl's Baal Yage needs to be way blended

spk_0:   53:15
her money he's loath

spk_1:   53:19
to pronounce, which just makes me like such a proud fiance.

spk_0:   53:25
But I like, Listen, it's it's interesting. And that was gonna bring me to my point t bring it all back full circle, Going back to school, Coming in with these ideas that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough in science and math and all of these other things. And people don't understand how much science and chemistry is involved in color, all of the stuff mixing formulas and chemicals and all of these things that you're doing and then knowing color theory and how colors are gonna blend to get all of its crazy knowing how the cuticle is gonna open and lift. And, I mean, there's a lot of different crazy stuff that goes into it.

spk_1:   54:01
Yeah, anatomy isn't extend their like you said math. I mean, a shit ton of chemistry. Um, haircut. I mean, haircutting is math. It is just angles. And yeah, no one told me that going into school, if I would have known that I would be I would have been driving back to Arizona, run

spk_0:   54:21
for the Hills,

spk_1:   54:22
running for there's no hills in Arizona, Ira. I'm sure there, but yeah, you get the point. It's a ton of stuff that I had no idea about, but I actually like nerd out heavily on now, like I love the chemistry behind stuff I love pushing myself with color theory and bringing it back to like, I think, why I love fantasy color, too, is that it's very different than regular hair color. In a sense of like, it's very it's very obvious to me. But in regular hair color, you're dealing with, like number systems and stuff. So it's it's

spk_0:   54:56
there's, like a formula ahead of time. See, colors may be a little different, right? But

spk_1:   55:01
it brings me back to painting like it just feels

spk_0:   55:04
when you understand it's not, ah, a common sense thing for a lot of people to understand. If I do this color with this color, it's gonna offset this cut in all of your working with

spk_1:   55:16
natural pigment. And the color is that it's in the hair that you start with and like, it's not just throwing purple on ahead and calling it a day. It's it's a lot more.

spk_0:   55:25
Yeah, I didn't realize that before. Word somebody comes in from a previous stylist or something, and they've had different bleach and different things and whatever. And there's like actual. There's so many different tones to the hair because of what the person has tried to do before and then a person comes to you is like make

spk_1:   55:42
me a solid pink

spk_0:   55:43
and it's and maybe that's not a good example. But

spk_1:   55:46
that's a great exam,

spk_0:   55:46
like how you have to go through first, bringing it down to all and even white ish color or blondish color so that you can put the pink on evenly. But people don't understand that there's so many

spk_1:   55:58
right and knowing people's color history and doing the right consultation. And, like also not over promising that like, yeah, let's do this and then coming to terms with like, Oh, here's the box color coming out of their hair from seven years ago and frying out like you have to be so careful to because of these chemical compounds that can mix together and like, be absolute hell. So, yeah, there's a lot to it

spk_0:   56:25
and you're good at

spk_1:   56:26
it. Well, thank you. I still have a lot to learn. I out of all the subjects, I believe that I am good at hair color, Yes, but I have a ton to learn. Still,

spk_0:   56:36
for sure, and like profession or any career, everyone's got a ton time for where you are. Yeah, I just want to highlight pun intended.

spk_1:   56:45
Ha,

spk_0:   56:46
that you're good. It comes. It seems to come naturally to you. Everything like this when there's this many moving pieces obviously has room for error. But you seem to have people sit in your seat that frequently tell you either one from your personality and just who you are. They just love coming to you and listening to you are I mean, you know, having conversations, and you seem like you really care about them. And you remember things about whatever. D'oh! But you also you frequently come home and tell me Well, you'll be really hard on yourself and you're getting better about that. But like, I didn't do that good saying, How did the clients or how did your client respond? Oh, they loved it. They were super happy. But I saw mistakes. I'm like, but either way you're still growing. But they first of all, you probably weren't as many mistakes as you saw. Second of all, they were stoked, and that's all that matters, right? It's not like I'm not saying this like you're just like, able to get away with mistakes with your totally. But what they see, they don't know the little things that you're seeing in the perfectionist piece of it. Totally. And then they'll post on their instagram about how amazing it was and whatever I'm like,

spk_1:   57:56
right? And I've been so lucky to have had such loyal clients, like had a couple surgeries recently. And people, you know, my clients I would refer them to other stylist and stuff in this lawn, and they are all amazing, like, referred them even to my boss, which of course, is so amazing. And still because of their loyalty, they waited months and they didn't go and get their hair done the whole time. While I was at the start, I was shocked.

spk_0:   58:24
Yeah, I forgot. We didn't even we just blew right over the surgery.

spk_1:   58:27
I forgot about it until now, too.

spk_0:   58:29
That was a major event, just to recap quickly where you have found too pretty sizeable lumps in your left breast. And you were telling me about it, and I was kind of like, it's kind of an ongoing joke that you have a lot of disorders.

spk_1:   58:43
Totally. Yeah. Even in very hyper aware of anything that's wrong in my body. I get a paper cut and I'm like it's turning into a desert like a little bit of light.

spk_0:   58:51
Last night you were telling me You're having back spasms and it's making you I'm having back spasms and it's making my head go and you're doing this thing in the bed and I'm like, Oh, you have another disorder like you're constantly I think it's my thyroid. I think it's this and I have a little bit of that, too. But when you were saying this about the lumps and all of that, then you wouldn't got checked and you had to get biopsies and then they were like, Hey, we think this is

spk_1:   59:18
Yeah, I watched him for a year. You really thought it was fiber adenoma? Sze benign. The biopsies came back benign. Whatever long story short, it kept my imaging going. About a year later, I just felt I was still in pain and felt so much changes. I knew that they had gotten bigger, so I followed my instinct and went back to my primary, and she was like, You know, there's still benign like this is just something that you're gonna have to deal with. But let's send you to a specialist just to make sure. Um, and the specialist, thankfully,

spk_0:   59:51
we were able to go to UCSD Medical Center. Koman Breath, Breast health, special teams.

spk_1:   59:57
Yeah, to get my normal checkup. And she said, I see you have a preliminary, like appointment with the surgeon. That's exactly where you need to go. And they had given me that appointment when I signed up for the imaging, Um, for the surgeon, just because they said that that was a regular routine, right? I was like, Okay, whatever. Like,

spk_0:   1:0:19
probably were pushed it.

spk_1:   1:0:20
No. So I was in shock. She's like, I think that that's a file. ODIs tumor. I never heard that word in my life. Um, and I was like, No, they said it was five broader nobles like I got them biopsied like, which was actual hell. Um, and so anyways, long story short wouldn't met with surgeon, which

spk_0:   1:0:40
the file ODIs tumor is like a tumor that's very invasive can grow very fast. Take Oh, super

spk_1:   1:0:46
rare. 1% of the population so far has it like

spk_0:   1:0:49
and they have a high percentage of being benign. totally through. But then they can also have a

spk_1:   1:0:56
leg net. Yeah.

spk_0:   1:0:57
Yeah, like the edges And what There's like borderline. And then there's cancerous. And so the only way that they can know completely for sure was got to go into surgery and have tiu have him taken out. And then they then they do a full screen on the whole thing

spk_1:   1:1:16
and all the tissue around it and all of that, um, I've never had any surgeries before. I've been so lucky to not have any health problems, um, thus far. And so that was super scary

spk_0:   1:1:26
again. The biggest fear for you was that they were going to steal your veins.

spk_1:   1:1:30
Oh, yeah, I'm I was honestly, less. I was less concerned that they were gonna cut me open for the surgery. Like I just didn't want the ivy. I freaking hate needles. I'm covered in tattoos. Like I It's

spk_0:   1:1:43
different for them sticking ivy up in.

spk_1:   1:1:45
Yes, they're going to steal my frickin veins is not okay.

spk_0:   1:1:49
Stole my days.

spk_1:   1:1:50
So my vein,

spk_0:   1:1:51
But so you had to have the surgery. You had one take

spk_1:   1:1:55
four weeks off work,

spk_0:   1:1:56
and they had to do the, um Why am I blanking on the term? What's the turret? Where we're waiting for the Oh,

spk_1:   1:2:03
the test results. The right there. There's a term for it. I can't remember now I'm blinking Thio. So I to wait 10 days. It was pretty special enough taking four weeks off. I was like, What the heck am I gonna do? I didn't save any money for this. Like I didn't prepare who prepares for something like this. Um, but then they came back. I was lucky enough to get great results. They said these masses are benign, not cancer s, but one of them was a fi Lodi's tumor. And we're gonna need to do a second surgery

spk_0:   1:2:34
if they don't get all their cells.

spk_1:   1:2:36
Yeah, they didn't want to take a wide margin of tissue around it at first if they didn't have Thio. But once they did that testing and found out it was a file ODIs, they needed to take more margins inside to make sure that there was no more cells that could grow into another file. ODIs, tumor in my breast again. So that was added on another four weeks off work and another surgery. Another surgery. Yeah, so we're very grateful, very intense, like all the emotions at once, right? Ultimately super grateful, but kind of like, How the hell am I gonna take eight and 1/2 weeks off work like when I'm just starting to, like, truly amp up my clientele like I've gained some really loyal people. But like, who knows? So that was and that was an experience for you and I like, especially during that waiting time, like not we're the pathology report. Biology. Yes, it's driving me nuts.

spk_0:   1:3:29
That was what I was just thinking about. Just thinking not like anything that we're necessarily going through is any major difference than a lot of other people that have to go through stressful things. And there's so many crazy, stressful things that people go through. But just as a couple to see, like how we handled it together and all of that I remember telling you the other day two, we're in the middle of waiting for the pathology report to come back. It seems pretty good that it's going to be benign, but there's a chance that they're going to say it's cancerous. And then what? Theo Yeah, and I remember laughing, laying in bed, laughing with you and your singing

spk_1:   1:4:02
boom, you seem Yeah. So standing. Oh, yeah. Uh,

spk_0:   1:4:10
that's what you're saying. I'm dying, laughing. We're having so much fun. And then all of a sudden I flashed to you, getting sick, going through chemo, like, you know, what would it be like? Toe have to experience that with the person that you love more than anything in the world. And I know people that have experienced that, and but it was a scary thing, and then it was a good challenge to be able to go one to put faith that will be ableto handle whatever we're gonna handle like, that's kind of a great metaphor for the relationship and unknown that you're moving together. You're moving forward together in and then also to be like I don't want to rob myself of happiness and positivity. Now, when the result could come back and be everything's a OK, So how do you let go of those morbid thoughts that you're having and just continue Thio be positive and optimistic, you know?

spk_1:   1:5:06
Yeah, it was really interesting going through all of that to and seeing how I responded and acted during the whole thing. When I am like we were talking about such a what's the word? Because hypochondriac, Yeah, I'm always like freaking out about the little things and stuff. But then when this big thing the biggest health problem that I've had ever happens, I was actually really calm. And I was more concerned about, like you and my mom and like how everybody else was doing where, like, I kind of was weirdly strong. I think through all of that,

spk_0:   1:5:40
you're just super confident that everything was gonna be fun.

spk_1:   1:5:43
Yeah,

spk_0:   1:5:44
on an uncharacteristically There's a lot of other things in life that really stress you out and you can't shake. And you don't believe that they're going to be fine. And this you were. So it was the first time to that the roles kind of were reversed where I was keeping to myself a lot of it, but a very scared of the negative outcome. And I've had family members die of cancer and all these things. So it was super scary because I've watched it firsthand. And so even though things could be all right, I was still so terrified of What is that outcome? And you were just like, No, it's fine. It's getting before I know it's gonna be fine. That's what you kept saying. I know, and maybe that's what right It fine You created that space and healed it.

spk_1:   1:6:26
If it was anybody else going through it, Are you going through it like I would be strong for you? Of course. But like, I would be a mess deep down, right. But like it was very strange, too. Feel so calm during all of that. I don't know. It's like a weird strength that just kind of came over me. And that was like, I don't know, I couldn't explain. It was very interesting, though,

spk_0:   1:6:48
but very empowering. I guess they're all of you are and the guard through all of it, face even Maur fears other than just going into this uncomfortable situation that work, trying to learn a new thing, what you're like now I'm going under the knife. I they're gonna steal my vein on Sonny, right, But to go in to do that, having never had done that before And then for both of us to do it as a couple, even though you know you're 30. I'm almost 40. We have the age difference and all that. But we're adults. Yeah, we always joke around and talk that we feel like we're like kids still on stuff too, you know? So then to go face something like that also felt very adult, like we're handling it, We're doing it and I don't want to make light. Are this was a positive outcome that was beyond grateful for it. And it's obviously not every outcome is that way.

spk_1:   1:7:39
And we saw that in the appointments and the women that were sitting next to me, and it was, you know, was humbling and saddening and all of that. And just going through all that, my heart pours out to people who didn't get the results that I got. And it made me, you know, just even more aware of how awful that would be. So

spk_0:   1:8:00
and very aware, two of

spk_1:   1:8:03
how strong people are.

spk_0:   1:8:04
Yeah, but and take stuff seriously, if you feel something that feels off or your intuition star

spk_1:   1:8:10
hypochondriac or not, man.

spk_0:   1:8:11
Right. Go for it.

spk_1:   1:8:12
Yeah, I knew. I knew. Deep down I followed my instincts. Those things kept bothering me. And even though I am freakishly hyper aware of stuff like I still felt something wrong, I went back like, Don't listen to. They told me it was benign. I could have I could've waited and been like, Oh, I for sure got those diagnosed benign. Don't go back. Right. But, like, just listen to your instincts

spk_0:   1:8:35
and thankfully, but Dr Alicia was so anyway, we are. I feel like we've covered a lot. We bounced around. Do you feel like we did a good job telling your story?

spk_1:   1:8:49
I think so, Yeah. I mean, there's always, you know, little things in between people's lives that, you know, we can't share on here, but, like, just weave gone through so much and pushed through a lot, I think that the big chunks of what I'm comfortable sharing, I think we covered Great. Yeah, yeah,

spk_0:   1:9:06
yeah. And the I mean the main to, like recap from the last podcast on this one too. Is this space that you were at where you fell? I mean, you know, it hadn't graduated high school. And you felt for until you were 25 or 26 years old, you were lacking something and stuck and that you were not good enough in all these other things. And then you take the leap into the unknown and be vulnerable and try to push yourself to these things and start setting goals for yourself. And then it's sort of like the wheels in motion keep going and the person you are now compared to where you used to be, still a human learning things. But it's like I don't know, Do you feel you have? Ah, a different confidence or swagger about you? You have a swagger.

spk_1:   1:9:58
I don't think I have a swagger. No, I think I'm kind of awkward, but we'll definitely no, but that I mean, I'm growing into more confidence. You know, I still struggle with that. I think everybody at some point does. But yeah, if I wouldn't have gone through all of that stuff and pushed through and seen what I'm ultimately capable of, I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at today. And if I hadn't gotten stuck for those 10 years after not graduating and having that gap of feeling all those really low feelings, I don't think that I would of if I went to beauty school or or started something, then I wouldn't have had that relentless drive like those hard times of being stuck and feeling all of those negative feelings about myself. Like that's what ultimately drove me. Two.

spk_0:   1:10:48
I got to get out of this place that I like. I need to make a change or I'm only here for the start, for the rest

spk_1:   1:10:54
of it sounds so stupid, but like it was just all timing. It's so true what they say so

spk_0:   1:11:00
and that's cool, too. T c where you are now, where we are now. The last podcast we recorded was November something. Ah, a month prior to that we have just got engaged like the last three months of 2019 were got engaged something I don't know, a bunch of stuff business. Our careers were still picking up and growing more than we and buying a new car together, releasing a new car together and not to say like materialistic Lee. But it was a symbol again of together. We keep working to level up and grow. Okay, we push each other

spk_1:   1:11:36
and we're just building this life together and right so

spk_0:   1:11:40
and so now, here we are planning a wedding, which is a little uncomfortable chuckle on your part because it needs to many uncomfortable conversations. So maybe that's Ah, another topic for another time. What we decide to do and how we decide Thio.

spk_1:   1:11:58
Totally. Thio wrap it up to this is gonna sound so insanely cheesy, right? But like, I just feel this with every being that I am. Yes, I wasn't 60 going back to school like I was still relatively young and stuff, But compared to a lot of my friends, I was older. I was laid all these narratives I had said about myself like it is never too late to go back and start something and or change your life or make one little baby step like that baby step turns into something bigger and totally turning your life around. So hopefully that kid inspire somebody else.

spk_0:   1:12:37
What do you feel tearful about? Just that you did that too. Like like you're trapped. You're inspiring people right now too. But just it kind of reflect on the fact that you changed your whole life.

spk_1:   1:12:48
Yeah, kind of. Yeah,

spk_0:   1:12:51
You have a lot. I mean, we talk about this some time tune, and I'm just continue to try to paint a picture but your life right now and how we live and what we do. We don't live any extravagant life. We're not making, like, Cray amounts of money, But we both live very differently. I guess then we've lived for a long time to go and what the cool thing is like. We've been doing it together. We didn't meet each other when we were in these different phases. We both kind of struggled and had these setbacks and all of this stuff. And then we found each other. We were at this place of spring boarding forward, and we've been together every step of the way. Yeah, which is cool. So then every milestone we hit career wise or relationship wise or whatever, we're doing it together.

spk_1:   1:13:31
Yeah, that the timing with that was super rad. I'm super grateful for that. We could just completely build kind of this whole life from scratch to each other.

spk_0:   1:13:41
How do we want to do it? What do we want to do?

spk_1:   1:13:43
Yeah, lined up perfect. So very grateful for that.

spk_0:   1:13:46
So the next broadcast will be after our elopement. Kidding. not to plan a wedding and save our money to go on a vacation and be selfish instead of throwing a party for totally everyone watches. It's

spk_1:   1:14:03
true. All right. Thank you for having me. Thank you for letting me talk. And, um, during my cheesy inspiring That was good. You

spk_0:   1:14:14
know, for real. People need to hear that. That's huge. Doesn't matter what time you start or whatever. Or the timeline that you're on just because everyone else goes to school. Right at 18. Totally half the people I know that went to school and graduated at 22 are in a job that they hate right now. Absolutely. Like, why take a little time, find out what it is you want? Maybe that helps create that purpose. And that drive, and then you go after it and you don't look back.

spk_1:   1:14:40
Absolutely. I agree.

spk_0:   1:14:42
All right. Sayonara, Sammy. CIA, Stanford, Some final thoughts. Usually this is the part of the show where after I'm done editing, I kind of go through it myself and just add anything that I want to add. But right now I have the only time. Probably that they'll ever be somebody with the final thoughts. Carly, you're sitting here with me. Hello. So the main thing that we both decided that we need to say in this is we just need to say sorry to the kind people of Arizona if you felt mocked or shamed by us and any of our jokes. Correct. And we want a fact checked some of the info here. Carly said Lake Powell is not in Arizona. That is a lie.

spk_1:   1:15:40
I literally up going, like, almost every year.

spk_0:   1:15:44
Well, you might have gone to the part in Utah because a large part of it is, but it's a big ass like, um, also, you said that there are no hills in Arizona when we made the joke run for the hills. And there are several hills and mountains in Arizona, and one of which, ah, Humphries Peak is 12,633 feet, which is actually only, like, a couple 1000 feet lower than Mount Whitney, which is a big ass mountain. And they have four ski resorts. So did the wonderful people of Arizona. We salute you, and we are sorry.

spk_1:   1:16:24
I'm really gonna invest in time, um, farther in, maybe

spk_0:   1:16:30
a little Maura's? Well, no. Are you happy with this statement you just made,

spk_1:   1:16:39
Huh? How do you

spk_0:   1:16:43
feel you're doing right now? Mmm.

spk_1:   1:16:47
Okay, well, we're gonna choose to wrap it up here.

spk_0:   1:16:51
Bye bye.