EP26: Suspended Adolescence: Why So Many Men Stay Boys

In this powerful comeback episode of the Frequency Shift Podcast, Karis and Nick sit down to explore a hard but necessary truth — that many men today are stuck in a state of suspended adolescence.

They may look like adults on the outside — building businesses, raising families, ticking boxes — but beneath the surface, they’re still chasing comfort, avoiding responsibility, and outsourcing emotional leadership. The result? Burnout, broken trust, disconnection, and a deep sense of purposelessness.

This episode isn’t about shame. It’s about the rite of passage from boyhood to manhood — and what it means to initiate yourself in a culture that has forgotten how.

Whether you’re a man ready to rise or a partner who sees the man you love playing small — this conversation will give you language, clarity, and direction.

3 POWERFUL TAKEAWAYS:

1. Boyhood Behaviours Keep You Small — Even in a Big Life.
2. Addictions to porn, gaming, emotional outsourcing, and avoidance don’t just delay maturity — they rob men of power, clarity, and impact. True masculinity is forged in resistance, not comfort.
3. Initiation is a Choice — Not a Calendar Date.
4. Becoming a man isn’t something that happens at 18 or when you get a mortgage. It’s an intentional decision to take radical ownership, build internal structure, and lead from the inside out.
5. The Cost of Staying a Boy Is Far Greater Than the Discomfort of Growth.
6. When men avoid responsibility, it shows up in every domain: fractured relationships, a loss of trust, inner chaos, and women forced into masculine roles. The shift starts with you — and it starts now.

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Connect with us on Instagram:

Nick: @vonpitt
Karis: @karis_topkin

If you are curious about exploring yourself and your infinite potential, reach out.

www.yourfrequencyshift.com

Sending you love!

Transcript

welcome back to your frequency shift podcast
with myself Karis and Nick
and I'm so excited to be sitting back on the couch
and having
these conversations with you guys
after a very long hiatus and today
we'll be diving
into something that's a little bit more con
confronting but real
we've been talking about this while we were driving
and yeah it's just about how in so many ways
men stay stuck in this suspended adolescence
living as boys in men's bodies
avoiding responsibility chasing comfort
and wondering why they feel so angry and so numb
or so lost you know
yeah it's
it's interesting um
I I read
oh you know
a while back um
there was a a short snippet and it was a
I think it was some woman's Instagram post
and it was some something around the
on the lines of he's like 35
um still living like he's 21
gaming till 2:00am
um he can't hold a structure
porn on demand
no discipline and still calling his mum for advice
um the advice he should be giving his own kids
and
I think just if you really just take that into context
you might be living that right now
you might be on the receiving end of that
or be the person that's actually living that
and embodying that version of
I wouldn't call it a man a boy and
this is what the modern man looks like today in 2025 a
dude a dude a dude
you know and
you know
the scary thing is that there are dudes having kids
and raising sons but have no idea
what they're doing within their own lives
or how to lead their sons into manhood
you know
because they themselves have not walked the path
yeah
and I think that's been the most frightening part of it
and what actually inspired the conversation was
I was on Facebook and um there was this one
an ad on marketplace that popped up
and I thought it was so funny
cause this guy was advertising his um
PlayStation controller
and I'm actually gonna read the ad to you
cause it was so funny
it was the PS five Edge controller and he said oh
I just got married
and had to choose between my wife or my console yeah
marriage is gonna be fun they said anyways
I'm including eye drops because this bad boy controller
you can prepare to spend
at least 30 minutes a day in front of your screen
and at least the
this controller will take care of you so
so first come first serve
and I just thought that is mad
you know this whole
the I if
if this is the thing that comes with like you
you want to be a husband and you want to
which doesn't just mean I'm getting married and I'm
I'm going into this with someone else
it's about taking accountability
for someone other than yourself
and now you're walking into that with this ID
these ideals that you still want to keep from
when you were a boy essentially
hundred percent
and I'm not saying that you have to like
let go of everything that you enjoy
that's not it but and
and I'm not saying that gaming
is the thing that keeps you in that space
but when you're using it to numb and to avoid your life
and it's damaging your relationships around you
that's when things need to start shifting
and conversations need to be had within yourself first
you know
no exactly
I I think even just before we dive a bit further
you know defining what suspended adolescence is
and essentially
it's a psychological and cultural state
where men remain emotionally
mentally and spiritually in boyhood well into adulthood
yeah and speaking from my own experience
um that
that was that was one of the
the many journeys that I've had to circumnavigate
over the years and
it it was
it's it's quite interesting cause you
you don't see it and then you see it and you might I
I don't think I had it as well defined
as we discussing it right now
but I realized that there was a massive gap in the
the tools
and my understanding and my identity with where I was
especially being a a
a young father and not necessarily knowing the how
but I knew that there I
I knew the the why was I
I needed to be a better man for my family
and for myself and you
know if I'm gonna be leading this household
and I'm gonna be you know
doing things I I needed to find a
a better
uh frame
framework
versus the one that I'd been shown my entire life
because I was surrounded by men
that were stuck in the suspended adolescence
running around with porn addiction
um
alcoholicism um
unable to emotionally regulate themselves um
not being the safe steadfast
grounded space not being able to teach basic life uh
masculine principles um
and just having all of that it
it showed me what not to do
so I had a good idea on well
if I'm not doing that um
well I I
I guess I'm I'm stepping more into that space
and funny enough even then
even though it might have been better
uh huh um
then what I was shown as a kid
um and as a
as a young uh
man um
or uh
an an
an adolescent child at a point in time um
it still it still never made made sense
it I
I had yet to find the
the path to traverse through that rite of passage
from boy to man and it's so funny because we I
I did a podcast with um
with the Uncommon Man Project on just the
like the path of initiation
and essentially just that rite of passage
and how that is severely lacking in today's society
especially in uh
western culture yeah
and how there's there's no definitive point in time
where a boy steps into being a man
there's there's no there's
it's just you're a you become a dude
and a dude that games and a dude that's studying
and a dude that's I
I would sorry to interrupt you
but I think it's more the thing of
you know you turn 18 and you're expected to be an adult
sure you know
you turn 18 or you even turn 16
it depends on where you are in the world
but like
as soon as you are able to earn money for yourself
now all the responsibility of being a man lies on you
and what does that mean I mean
financial provision is like one aspect of it
you know safety
it's not all security so it's just finances yeah
what I think was even more of a red flag pertaining to
like how you were saying
how you grew up is just the whole thing
all of that is so normalized
as I would say like
people put that as the front for healthy masculinity
and I'm just like thank God it's changing
thank God people are asking questions
people are saying actually no
this is not it you know
but but you know what
I also think
like this conversation actually stems from the
the massive pendulum swing of the
the feminism movement that took place
because
women had to really step into their masculinity
yeah because men were acting like little boys
and are still acting like that
and they had to level up they had to figure out well
we're not getting
we're not having these safe spaces created
we are having to voice our opinions
we are having to stand up for our own rights
cause men are not protecting us
yeah men are not advocating for us
we have to advocate for ourselves
we have no one protecting us
there's a complete imbalance of the
the masculine and feminine energies it's not
natural and yeah
you're having to have women essentially play both
both parties and raise these little boys
yeah you know as as a
I don't know it's just it's mad to me um
and the paradox is you'll
you'll then still have the
little boys in their 40s and 50s
complaining
that their wives don't want to have sex with them
and that they just want them to spend
in time and now that they
now they've come to a point
where they just don't even want to connect
and they just like we don't know what's up
this is the this is the complaint
oh my gosh she's changed so much
you know when we got into this relationship
we used to connect all the time exactly
we wanted the same things
and you know we
she we used to like
touch each other all the time and all the things
obviously she's going to change
she grew up one of you had to
you know and she became your mama
and no one wants to have sex with their mother
well
I don't know well yeah
if you're listening to this right now
I assume that you don't
so if you're still here at this point and not triggered
then then
you know well done
then we we
you can take that box the thing is yeah
in in our modern day society
nobody teaches you how to initiate yourself
no one says hey
it's time now to let go of that boy
that little boy and step into the man
so what happens is
you keep repeating these behaviours that feel safe
but it keeps you small so how I
I it's almost like if I look at what the result
like what the internal conflict is happening
within the boyhood aspect is
it's like you blame everyone else
it's everyone else's fault
it's the world's fault why you are where you are
you are in a space of uh
like yeah
you're angry at everyone
like nothing is working out for you or the
all these things are happening
but it's happening to you
whereas if you come at it from the perspective of like
you have taken ownership for yourself
you have stepped into that like space of manhood
or you are reclaiming it like in a
in a different way for yourself
and the internal conversation changes to a call
how can I shift this for myself
okay where can I
it's not a thing of being in that space of victim mode
you're in a space of um
I would say Serenity within yourself
but also you've reclaimed your
your your path is your own and you
you move differently when you do that
and I'm not gonna lie it is
it is very sexy
I I love it when a man owns himself
so that is it
and I speak for
a lot of people
look I think also just taking into account the
the the modern day culture and how that's enabled um
this this
extended adolescence
that's been experienced through the Netflix
the porn the gaming
the continuous escape and disassociation
uh or disassociative based culture where it's
it's okay to do that it's normal
it's it
it's okay to do that um
and it it shouldn't be frowned upon
everything within reason it
it then comes to like
what is the intention behind all of that
like
how are you using gaming because you actually enjoy it
or is it like you said
in a form of escapism from your life
um same with Netflix
same with porn and then just even
just even the phone as a device
whatever it is that you're using
whether it be even I've seen people even using um
like
and it can start off as something that's healthy
like working out or or exercise as a thing
it starts off as something that like
has healthy and good intentions
but if you are escaping for like six hours plus
or like four to six hours and it
it just it doesn't make sense to me
um
the the the tricky thing is
like you said is that as a society
it is enabled like society enables it
like
there's a massive reward on this passive consumption
because there's this comfort
it's entertaining yes
comfort that's it
yeah comfort
but that that's a big
that's a really big component
when you think about what masculinity is
and it's essence is it's forged in resistance
there needs to be some level of friction in
in the places we avoid
you're the one that creates the comfort
it's very different it's not handed to you on a platter
when you when you're in that
in that masculine space
you're the one that creates the comfort
I think of it like this
so boys seek escape and men seek purpose
yes so
if you're numbing out with porn or scrolling endlessly
or still depending on your mother
to hold emotional space
that's a sign that something
deeper is missing
so Nick
here's another question for you
so when you work with men in your community
what are the signs that someone hasn't fully crossed
into that manhood yet
even if they seem successful on the outside
even if they seem like they have every box checked
you know
cause I can tell you what it feels like as a woman
experiencing that person but I'd like your perspective
you know I
I find that there's like telltale signs and there's a
there's a complete lack of clarity
there's a complete lack of ownership
I find that
all of these men are not impeccable with their word
they say something and they don't do it
they cannot execute
yeah and
and they
they may have gotten to a point where they've built
really incredible businesses
and lives but you ask them to do something
they won't do it they cannot show up for themselves
it's it's
it's so interesting but for their vices
they will do anything so for
for the cocaine for the sex addiction
for the gaming for the avoidance
for the alcohol
for the thing that provides that sense of comfort
and safety cause
they do not know how to create that within themselves
because they would rely upon their mother
or now their partner to do that
that's the story and they will
it's funny they will always
name their partner
and you can hear it within their linguistics
of how they refer to them
it'll blame anyone else it
there's there's no form of ownership and accountability
or responsibility
and it's very funny because they are always reactive
they are
they are so reactive on so many different points
and it you know
in in some cases
they might come across intimidating in business
or within their relationship but it's really
from a space of I'm really scared
and this is the only way I can protect myself
and I actually haven't learnt how to refine
and control this other part of me
because that you know
the and I'm gonna quote Michael
Michael Cooper here um
but he he talks about this the
the full spectrum of a man
you know from
you know this loving
sensitive part to this you know
really angry dark masculine
and when when someone has truly embodied their
themselves and they've stepped into that space of
of wholeness
they recognize that they
they have this full spectrum of emotions
it doesn't mean that they have to draw upon that power
or use it in that way but it's there
and these guys it's just
it's running it's erratic
it's not controlled it's not there's
there's no consciousness behind that um
and how they interact it's very reactive
impulsive very immature
I'd even say and on paper
it's really easy to get away with it
because your life looks like a success
yeah but you treat people like shit
you you do all these incredible things
but you cannot follow through a certain things you
you lack trust but people respect you through fear
and just because of the status that you've accrued
and I also just want to say it's not about age
this is about ownership
because we've seen hundred percent
men who got nothing to do with age
raging from like nothing to do with age
I've I've yeah
I mean we've seen men who are
so young but just like they're so sure
so certain they have that down
and then I've seen men in their 70s
80s who are running around with children
like 16 year olds you know
so hundred percent it's
it's yeah
it's exactly what you were saying and
and I just wanna add and there
there's one more you know
uh telltale sign
and it's um
there's this avoidance for confrontation or feedback
they hate receiving feedback
I I will also say that there's a thing of
one thing that's also been um
consistent within that is also just a
like a level of isolation
where they don't plug themselves into
whether it's a community
or some sort of brotherhood space
or some suit and it's
this is the same for like woman
but this is a different conversation
that we'll have on that but if you don't
if you isolate yourself
and you don't plug yourself into a space
where people ask for you to be better
to degree
you don't hold yourself accountable to that door
if you stay yeah
so um
another thing is the thing of um
I find that they also don't
there's a lack of integrity
so they're doing really shady things
yup really shady things and saying
like trying to justify it any which way
you know um
and this whole thing of needing to be rescued
is one of the things that also comes up
and I find that it's normally from well
depending on what
where the person is within their journey
but normally it's from an emotional standpoint
MHM where individuals need this rescuing
they
and they will do it through pointing at other people
and blaming other people for how they feel
and they acted that way and that's why things are X
y and Z and again
it just reiterates
that whole idea of not taking ownership
if you are in a business and you're leading a team
and you're leading your business
but you cannot lead your own impulses
you're not in command you are in chaos
exactly that
um
so
I think just you know
bringing this all together um
what what does initiation look like today
if
if you now recognize that this is maybe you and firstly
if you're still sitting here
congratulations'cause you're
you're taking feedback um
now the question is like well
how how do I move from this point and like
have this clear
defining line from moving from boyhood into manhood
um I'm not asking you to go out in the bush for 20
20 days we would recommend it but um
there's
there's certain things that you can start doing and
applying to yourself at this moment in time
and the first one is actually just David Goggins it
and that's just choosing hard things
ha ha ha the sense of just having structure and um
Alex Hormosi reiterates this time and time and again
having a set structure just having one goal
one thing that you're focusing on at a time
just narrowing everything in on one particular item
makes the world of difference um
alongside solitude
you do need time with yourself know thyself
yeah if you don't know yourself
how are you going to parent
how if you can't trust yourself
if you don't know your own values or your principles
or what is your one year plan
let alone what is your one month plan
what is the legacy that you wish to leave
if what is what is your purpose
if you do not have the answer to any of these questions
start asking them or find support
get a coach get a counselor
find a brotherhood um
I would recommend the Uncommon Man Project
look at look at these spaces
where there's men that can support you and guide you
and men that have walked that path before
or are walking that path alongside you
I would even go deeper than that
because you need to find men that won't let you hide
yes
and men that are gonna call it out
and make you really uncomfortable
and have you and truly reflect
mm hmm
the bullshit that you're spewing
yeah and avoiding um
and along alongside that there's also the
the physiological component
you need to challenge yourself physically
if you do not work out
if you were not lifting weights as a man
it is it is essential to lift
lift heavy shit
even if you are the thing that is heavy
and needs to be lifted it's also for your yeah
for your testosterone levels
for like your physicality
like it is for your health and your wellness
it's not even just about looking good
it's for yes
yeah there
I mean the benefits are
there's countless benefits
you can chat G B t
a or
I'm sure there are 1,000 videos on YouTube
that can state all the benefits of working out
we don't need to go into that today
um
another initiation would be leaving comfort um
and that could be like you said it
you don't have to go out into the bush
that could be a literal experience
where you do a 3 4 day um
bush walk or a you
a nature walk vision quest or call it what you want
at the end of the day there is a massive like
there's a big relationship between
you going out into nature
being in that solitude
unplugging yourself from the comforts of like
your creature comforts you know
you're not around Wi-Fi
you're not around anything like you have to
you're out in the wild
it's between you and Mother Nature or you and God
or you and the divine
whatever you connect to but it's quiet
and you're able to really tune into your own voice
and into into that because it's
there needs to be something that
that's symbolic of that sort of like moving out
moving on
that that cutting the codependent ties
you know
you need to have something that feels big for you
to be able to do that you know
that's why in a lot of retreats
it doesn't matter if it's for men or for women
or whatever you identify as
like there is always this bonfire
this burning aspect of things
because there's a massive symbolism
with just the whole cutting ties of the
the the
you you were before you know
hundred percent
so and I'd say well the
the final component is just this reclamation of
of Serenity mm hmm
and it's you as this sovereign empowered
masculine um
and it it's funny
it's a personally
it's a it's a process that I've run through
with a couple of individuals
just rebuilding this uh
internal father figure within yourself
and having that actually face the inner child
or the boy and it it
it's it's reparenting
it's directing it's leading from the inside out
and so that begins to reflect in your outside
uh an external reality as a whole and
there there's a
there's a fundamental shift within that
if you're willing to put that type of work in
yeah because
I mean if you think about what the cost of it
I think the the cost of not doing it is massive
you know the burnout
the broken relationships
the shame that you have internalized within your system
the procrastination
and then just this deep underlying feeling of I'm
I'm not who I could be I'm not where I wanted to be
and so you know
my my final question is
now that we know what the initiation would look like
what would be the first step of
breaking out of the suspended adolescence
um
yeah before you go into that initiation
cause there needs to be some
some like a a
a like the mental step of like OK
what is the what can I do to to move forward
to be honest I'd say well
firstly recognize that you do need to move forward
and are you actually willing to let go of
all the things that you hold near and dear
meaning your creature comforts
your addictions your
your patterns and this old identity
and it's not a small ask
because this is what is required
that is a right of passage
there is a death there is a
there is a a spiritual
there's a there's a
a death of your identity
the boy must die so the man can be
it's not about shame it's about choice
and I really hope for anyone listening
you understand how much power there is in that
and
if you're willing to let go of that comfort
that's keeping you small and choose the
the discomfort of what
will fold you into who you will become
you know
and that's why I think you
you built the Uncommon Man project
and for men to be able to find spaces like that
yes because you
you you end up winning a monopoly
and you you
you build the pretty house
and you have the nice car
and you you have all this respect and status
but inside
you feel that there's a lack of clarity
there's a lack of drive there's a lack of purpose
there's a lack of meaning
your relationships falling apart
you still have all these things that are taking
up all this space and
you're still asking these big questions
you know who am I
why am I here what is the point of all of this
what is the
what am I trying to extract from life
or is everything just trying to take from me
am I just living a life of expectations
and to be honest
when you are sitting in that as a little boy
it does not make sense and those questions are fair
but when you step in and you
you get to really take on the responsibility
which is an honor it's not a burden
it's an honor it's a privilege yeah
to be able to hold up a life
and to create a space where a family can flourish
yep it's a completely different perspective
it's a different way of living that so pours into mum
so mum can pour into the children
and that dynamic really works well
hundred percent I think the challenge is also
you know when I think about the benefits of the
the whole dynamic of
men reclaiming that space for themselves
is that women are able to rest in their softness
in a different way and women are tired
we're tired of doing everything
you know so just um
and it's so funny and then you can
we can
we can support women moving out of their masculinity
back into their femininity
yeah ha ha ha ha yeah
cause everyone's like trying to
I actually saw a conversation on TikTok
where they were talking about how women don't walk
like women anymore you know
every everyone's in a rush to get somewhere
and I know it sounds like such a small thing wow
but it's it's
it's a thing of like women aren't just
we're not dilly dallying anymore
we're not just wandering and taking our time
and getting to spaces but
this is the thing about being in that masculine energy
always you have to get somewhere
you have to go you have to do and
and and
and I
when you feel safe within your space
and when you're around safe men
you're able to rest in that softness and just like
tune back into that
and we all deserve having of environments like that
you know so
I would love to bring my daughter up in a world where
she's
able to to
I know it sounds like such a small thing
if this hit home if you're done circling in boyhood
and ready to step into something real
this is your moment and if your partner's listening
send this to the man you love
not to fix him but to invite him into his power
look at the end of the day
everyone wants to be able to lead and not just perform
and if you find that that's you
feel free to DM us um
or just head to our website
the shift doesn't happen later
it happens now we'll see you on your path
remember you can always make the shift
it's just a choice