EP38: Why Understanding Isn't Enough: Breaking the Patterns That Keep Repeating

In this episode, we explore one of the most frustrating experiences in personal growth: understanding exactly why you keep repeating a pattern, yet finding yourself doing it again under pressure.

Many high performers believe that if they can just gain one more insight, read one more book, or better understand their past, lasting change will finally happen. But what if insight isn't the missing piece?

Drawing on neuroscience, behavioural psychology and practical experience working with founders, executives and leaders, we unpack the difference between insight, interruption and integration, and why genuine transformation comes through lived experience rather than intellectual understanding alone.

Using the analogy of a football pitch that's been worn down by years of familiar runs, this conversation explores why our nervous system naturally follows the deepest grooves under pressure—and what it actually takes to create new ones.

If you've ever found yourself saying, "I know exactly why I do this... so why do I keep doing it?" this episode is for you.

Three Key Takeaways

1. Insight explains the pattern—it doesn't change it.

Understanding where a behaviour comes from is valuable, but lasting change requires learning to interrupt the pattern while it's happening and creating enough new experiences for your nervous system to trust a different response.

2. Pressure reveals your deepest conditioning.

When life becomes demanding, the part of you that protects moves faster than the part of you that understands. This is why old behaviours often return precisely when the stakes are highest. 

3. Small, repeated experiences reshape behaviour.

Real transformation isn't built through dramatic breakthroughs. It's built through small, intentional actions that prove the feared outcome doesn't happen, gradually creating new patterns that become available under pressure.

If something in this conversation resonated, stay with it for a moment.

And if this work has supported you in some way, leaving a rating or sharing the episode genuinely helps these conversations reach more people quietly carrying the same pressure.

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Explore the work at frequencycoaching.com

Connect:

Nick — @vonpitt

Transcript

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there's a particular kind of frustration that shows up when people just think and function at a different wavelength it's not confusion it's the opposite it's the frustration of understanding something completely the pattern the trigger even the cost and possibly even knowing the the childhood pattern underneath it all and you still end up watching yourself do it again on a Tuesday if you've ever sat across a coach or a therapist or a journal and thought I know this I I know why I'm doing this but why am I still doing it then this episode is for you because the honest answer isn't that you don't understand it enough yet it's the understanding that understanding it is not the thing that is gonna fundamentally change it for you quick one for anyone new here my name is Nick von Pitt I'm a strategic advisor working with founders executives high performing individuals who are navigating complexity pressure and transition my role is to bring trust judgment honest reflection and strategic clarity so that they can make better decisions strengthen their relationships and stay connected to themselves whilst carrying significant responsibility high performers are usually the last people to be told this because everything in their life has rewarded the opposite belief more insight always meant more control read the book take the course get the framework apply the discipline or the new strategy and it's worked it's worked in business it's worked with an effective strategy that's been implemented so when that same process doesn't work on an internal pattern the overworking the shutting down after conflict the inability to actually receive success and that feeling of fulfillment and significant significance once it arrives the natural conclusion is that you simply have not understood it enough what ends up happening is you end up going looking for a better explanation and that search is the trap because again you are seeking more knowledge and it's not because the insight or the knowledge is worthless per se it's because insight and behaviour live in two different parts of you and they were never really wired to talk to each other quickly so essentially in effect you you've got two separate record keeping systems running inside of you one keeps the story a chronological account of your life that you can speak out loud and the other essentially keeps the pattern so think of it as an automatic sequence your body runs the instant it senses something familiar so the story system is articulate and slow and the pattern system is mute an instant and under any real pressure the mute one wins every time before the articulate one has even finished loading so it isn't a failure of insight it's a mismatch of speed and that's an interesting way to look at it so essentially the greater the pressure the wider that gap becomes the part of you that understands ends up getting slower and the part of you that protects well that gets faster and that gets called upon more and more as the pressure rises and here's the interesting part that's why in life whenever it's spacious and it's easy this pattern doesn't arise it shows up the moment your capacity begins to thin when the stakes are high and you don't have time to think yourself out of a rock in a hard place and that's essentially why understanding this pattern in a quiet controlled room is very different to interrupting the pattern in a live moment when you need to when it's crucial to have that conversation and make that decision so those are two very different skills to have in place again awareness is really important understanding and seeing all these patterns but when you understand that there's two systems that are running and they are triggered by different mechanics it then begins to make sense like why you may struggle in those moments it's like when you say to yourself I've done the work I understand this I know this intellectually but the body and your system just functions differently and does whatever it needs to do to survive so here's the image I want you to keep the rest of this conversation today so I want you to take a moment and imagine yourself standing on a soccer field you can smell the grass the lines have been freshly sprayed you can see the goals on both sides maybe you've got teammates in the field in this case as well you can see the opposing side you can see your team you've got a clear understanding of what's expected of you you know what the attacking plays are you know the defensive plays you know your role and part 2 the t now before the game started you were sitting with the coach and you were strategizing and you you got your ones and zeros in place you know where John's going and where Fred's going and where where you're having to stand and what what to do when this is happening and when there's pressure you have a clear understanding of the fundamentals it makes sense strategically it ticks all the boxes consciously you are on board the game starts to take on its own rhythm and there's a there's an ebb and flow to it and there's momentum and there variables and you're also getting tired and instead of your head being up and you're noticing different opportunities and plays your head essentially begins to drop because you're tiring and you notice that you start doing some of the things that you would normally do in a standard game which might not align with the strategy of the specific game and it's not because you don't know what to do you're firstly fatigued you're under pressure you're under the crunch you're needing to deliver but you've also been on that field how many times you you know there are certain parts of the ground that that slant inwards and you've run certain parts of that pitch so many times that you know exactly where to step how the ball's gonna land how you there's just a there's a sixth sense to it because you've run that process and that pattern over and over and over again and you've done it so often that you don't even have to think about it anymore that certain run that you make that certain decision that you make habitually now and it's instant um and it gets to a point where it becomes so instinctual that you actually forget what that whiteboard said what that strategy was and it just becomes the next step and you've run these plays so often that it becomes habitual you know exactly where you're going to run you don't need to look up you don't need to necessarily think but within that lies the danger because you have fallen back into a pattern and that pattern might not be the strategy that was asked of you for that specific game doesn't mean that the pattern is wrong it just means that it has been both ingrained in you and in that pitch over and over and over again and this is why the behaviour that you want to change is normally the one that you understand the best and you can describe exactly what to do and how to do it but at the end of the day that description is never gonna regrow the turf or the pitch that you're running on and it's not gonna change the way that you run and so there's this subtler trap that sits inside all of this and it's probably worth naming and framing therapy coaching journaling introspection books podcasts courses um the late night self analysis it ends up quietly stalling at the level of a better explanation and it no longer ends up benefiting you because it's just a better understanding and at one point understanding was important awareness was important but it's not changing the behaviour as you thought it would and so the pattern is you end up leaving with a sharper story that's more refined you have a clearer name for the pattern you can identify roots and triggers and you've got your your clear understanding of why it's happening but it doesn't change why it happens it doesn't change your actual lived experience and so if you think about it and we go back to that turf analogy a more coherent explanation of that groove in the turf is not the same thing as a newly fresh laid ground but I wanna be clear the real target here is not therapy or or coaching it's intellectualization disguised as transformation and I'll be the first person to put my hand up and say I've fallen into that trap I've over intellectualized my myself I have lived with a great understanding of what my triggers are and why I do things but it still didn't change the lived experience and the the fundamental shift that was needed in those moments when it was asked of me and so essentially if we if we chunk this up you have been able to build a habit of understanding your own psychology your own pattern and because that might feel like effort the actual unrehearsed discomfort of doing something different and so that very understandable habit of becoming the a genuine expert of psychology of your own pattern ends up feeling like a lot of effort while the thing is the the unrehearsed discomfort of doing something different in the moment it matters ends up going untouched and you can spend years of being fluent in the language of your own dysfunction and never once touch what your body actually does under pressure and this is why more information eventually gets to a point where it produces diminishing returns that first insight to a pattern genuinely useful changes the game it essentially names something that was invisible the 10th insight to the same pattern well you've got to question yourself you know if nothing changes nothing changes it's just a refinement on top of something you essentially already knew and I think there's a distinction that's worth holding on to here because most people might want to collapse three different ideas into one insight is being able to see the pattern or you can see it as awareness insight you can describe it you can trace its origin explain it exactly why it happens then we get something called interruption which is being able to notice it while it's actually happening so there's a a certain there's awareness of the happening of that pattern as it's happening in real time and you're able to catch the moment where it's been relived and maybe it's it's it's worthwhile noting that before that groove that you would fall into on the pitch ends up taking over so you're not falling into it you're noticing you're going into that groove it's a pathway that's well established you're able to interrupt it and then we move into the next phase which we can call integration which is you're able to fundamentally make a different decision in that moment when you need it most so the pattern is interrupted you make a conscious decision to take a different action and so I I love coming back to this this reactivity to responsiveness the ability to respond and choose a different path create a different groove on your turf and this is where most people get stuck and this was the trap that I was in I I mistook insight and intellectualizing whatever I'm circumnavigating for integration I thought that was the work that everyone talks about and they've done the first one thoroughly and assume that that third one should essentially follow suit it was the same thing but it doesn't work like that each each stage is required it's not just jump from oh I see this to I'm noticing when it's coming up to I'm choosing differently that is a process in and of itself a new pattern needs enough awareness to notice the old groove as it activates so enough capacity to stay present in the moment instead of collapsing into it again and again or even fleeing from it and there needs to be a small enough new action that your system can survive this new experience without immediately retreating into what feels familiar and that last part is really important because most people want to take this massive action to create a massive immediate set of results but your body is going to want to move back to baseline it's going to want to regulate back to a state and a space where it feels safe and in control and certain so the system does not just update when it sees something new it ends up updating when that feared consequence doesn't arrive take something as simple as setting a boundary with someone that you've never set a boundary with before you might end up bracing for this fractured relationship that will take place but then it doesn't happen or just the simple act of asking for help instead of having to quietly manage something by yourself and in that space finding dignity within yourself versus collapsing into shame and here's another example that it's close to home is actually being able to rest and give yourself respite without worrying about the business slowly collapsing without your presence being there and again none of those things are dramatic but that's the point of the matter it can be as simple as that it could be as logical as that small mundane adjustment but again there's a part of your system that wants to hold on to what it knows and so that's why a small adjustment goes a long way when it's repeated over and over again you create proof and that proof creates trust and that trust creates certainty and so your system becomes certain of the fact that there won't be a feared consequence that just randomly arrives and threatens that safety and if you think about it logically that pattern was just defending you against something that's not actually going to happen anymore that is all what that pattern is trying to do keep you safe so coming back to that image of the pitch think of insight as the way or means to explain the grooves within the pitch where the runs have taken place and the tackles and that lived experience whilst experience in and of itself reshapes the ground and that's what you're changing you're having to change your experience your newly lived experience bit by bit so it can actually shift the habits that are still attuned to what you have experienced in the past insight explains the groove and the invitation is to move from insight to this ability to interrupt noticing that there are various grooves on this pitch to integrating the changed behaviour which would be hey I am not going to run on that exact line I can run adjacent to it or I can run at a different angle I know this is comfortable I know this is new but I'm able to make a different decision bit by bit and validating this new experience you do not have to by any means relive the past in your current behaviour and it's not to say that you're going to forget about it and I think a lot of people hold on to that piece of this work where it's I I I cannot let go of what I've previously experienced because that has made me who I am and sure I think a lot of people feel quite strongly about that be it on a personal level but with where you want to go and how you want to lead and how you want to show up and possibly the lightness and having that that sense of self and that spark that is available in you or that next level on and version of yourself that you wish to express and that journey that you want to embark on it requires a different version of you and there's no space for carrying that old charge and those habits and patterns unless it's serving that new future self I genuinely hope that there was something that you could take with you and that makes sense it just clicks and says oh OK that that makes sense why I keep on doing this um and if you want to dive a little bit deeper there's a capacity assessment at frequencycoaching.com forward slash assessment it's completely free and if you have yet to like and subscribe it would be greatly appreciated and as always know that you have the ability to make a change and to make the shift I'll catch you in the next episode cheers