A Values First Approach To Kids And Screens

We talk with Christina Crook about moving from fear and overwhelm toward a values-based approach to technology that helps kids thrive. We share practical questions and clear boundaries that turn parents and schools into digital mentors who protect attention, joy, and formation. 

• naming overwhelm and shifting the focus to what brings kids joy 
• anchoring screen choices in family values like truth courage and generosity 
• choosing digital mentoring over enabling or limiting extremes 
• partnering with schools by not contacting kids during the school day 
• spotting breakdowns like sleep loss and late-night device access 
• putting devices out of bedrooms and charging them in shared spaces 
• asking “What’s working and what’s not working?” on a regular cadence 
• connecting technology habits to goals body cues and real life joy 

Transcript

Welcome To North Star Narrative

Stephanie Shafer 0:02

Hi, Stephanie Shafer, and you're listening to the NorthStar Narrative, a podcast from NorthStar Academy. I want to thank you for joining us. I hope you're encouraged, challenged, and motivated by what you learned today. Enjoy the story. Hey everyone, thanks so much for joining us today. We have another special guest with us, Christina Crook, who has been an early and trusted voice helping schools, students, and families think differently about technology, attention, and what it means to live well in a digital world. She is the founder and CEO of Jomo and has worked with organizations like Oxford University, Adobe, and Shopify, bringing practical tools and thoughtful perspective into spaces that are often moving very quickly. She is also the author of The Joy of Missing Out and Good Burdens, both of which bring clarity and language to something many of us are trying to navigate every day. What I especially appreciate about Christina's work is the way she comes alongside both educators and families in a way that is not fear-based, but grounded, hopeful, and deeply practical. It is such a joy to have you here today. Christina, thank you.

Christina Crook 1:11

Thanks so much for having me. I'm looking forward to the conversation.

Finding Joy Through Gardening

Stephanie Shafer 1:14

Yeah, super excited. Okay, before we really jump in, I'd love to start here. Um, in your own life right now, what is bringing you the most joy?

Christina Crook 1:23

I love that you asked me this question because I just reset on this a couple of days ago and I decided for the first time ever that this is gonna be my year of joy. I didn't start on January 1st or it was April, I guess April 14th. Um I just decided I need a bit of a reset on joy. So um I'm being very attentive to these things right now. Gardening, I mean it's spring, spring's my favorite season, and I'm Dutch, so tulips. I'm gonna say gardening, tulips, spring. Those are the things right now. Getting dirty.

Stephanie Shafer 1:55

Yes, so fun. I love the connection with the dirt and just the rest that it brings um and peace. Yeah.

Christina Crook 2:02

And the just a metaphor, the metaphor is just abound, you know. Um yeah. Yes, cutting off every root that is not bearing fruit.

Stephanie Shafer 2:13

I did that last uh spring more than ever, just really cut down um the bushes and this one plant. And I was like, oh, do I cut it all? But I just kept cutting, and you know, it it grew back so beautiful. And it really is about cutting the dead branches, the things that need to go. Yeah. So I love it. Love that.

Parents Feel Overwhelmed By Tech

Stephanie Shafer 2:33

Um okay, at NorthStar, we serve families all over the world. And one of the things we hear is that parents are navigating technology um faithfully. They're trying to, doing their best to do that. But I know it can feel overwhelming and at times really isolating. So I'd love to spend our time today just really focusing on how do we come alongside parents well, both as educators and as families in the home. So when you're in conversations with parents, what are you hearing most right now when it comes to technology and their children?

Christina Crook 3:05

I mean, in many instances, parents just don't know where to start. Um, it is a very overwhelming topic, depending on how old your kids are. And technology is just a constant moving target. And so I think for parents, the encouragement I'm always giving is first of all, identifying um and even just naming, like we just did, what brings your kid alive, what brings your kid joy, and just sort of starting with that celebration and then focusing the conversation less about limiting technology than creating the positive conditions where those joys, those things that make your kids come alive, can thrive and flourish. And so even just that reframe um creates a bit of a liberation. Um, because I think just to answer very simply your question, I what what I'm hearing consistently is just overwhelm. Overwhelm, anxiety, and fear.

Stephanie Shafer 3:58

Yeah. And I don't want to be the parent that's no, no, no, no. Right? Yeah, that that's hard. So um reframing it. How do we be the yes parents? Um, I think really so you know the kids will pay attention and get to be their most creative self. Um, I think many parents feel like they are consciously reacting instead of leading. And so, what is a shift that helps them move into a place of that confidence and clarity they need?

Family Values Guide Screen Choices

Christina Crook 4:30

So I think it is really, you know, as Christians, um, we are called to grow in virtue, to grow in um the fruits of the spirit. And so anchoring conversations around technology use in values, what we value as a family, um, is always my encouragement to parents. So um even when your kids are young, um, there are ways to kind of bring forward a group of words, value-based words, to talk about what do you're what do we want to be known for as a family? What are the things that we value most? And so in our family, um, we've been having this conversation since our kids were, I think, around seven, nine, and eleven, um, fairly young, but what we want to be, what we want we value as a family. And so we we identified truth and courage and generosity as values in our family. And so when we talk about technology use, we're coming back to that frame of how is the way that you're currently using YouTube, or how is the way you're currently using Snapchat, or how is the way you're currently consuming Netflix aligning with um uh growing, sustaining courage and truth and generosity. Um, and if it's not, then we need to get curious about that and make some changes. And so it's not again that frame of like no, no, no, or just an arbitrary um today you can and tomorrow you can't, but anchoring it in um something deeper. We also um just some like quick plug for free resources on our website at experiencedomo.com forward slash family. We have um a printable for families to just put on their fridge that says, not all screen time is created equal. When we're using technology, these are the core ways we want to be spending it. And um, that frame for Jomo is we call it our digital flourishing framework. And we want to encourage families and encourage parents to encourage their kids to create more than they consume online, to being more active users of technology than just again passive consumers. And if we are going to be using technology to be doing that more together than alone in isolation. So create over consume, active over passive, and together over alone. And the values and that that sort of flourishing framework are the two anchor points we encourage families to start from for their digital decision making.

Stephanie Shafer 7:05

I love that. Bringing them in the conversation, being curious with them. Yeah, I love it.

Christina Crook 7:10

Yes.

Stephanie Shafer 7:11

Because when they're part of the decision, the buy-in. Yeah, love it.

Christina Crook 7:15

100%, 100%.

From Limiting To Digital Mentoring

Christina Crook 7:17

And there's a study from Dr. Alexander Samuel. She did a research study of more than 10,000 North American families, and she found through her research that basically parents fall into one of three categories. There is the digital enablers. So those are the parents who kind of let their kids have access to absolutely everything. It's kind of a free-for-all. Oftentimes the children are kind of in the boss of technology decisions. Then there are digital limiters. Um, I'll admit that I fall more into that camp naturally, of sort of being suspicious about everything to do with technology, always asking, you know, what is going to be the cost of this? Where is this time going to come from? What are the sort of negatives here? So limiting wherever we can. And then really what she discovered with her research is the third category are digital mentors. And that is the sweet spot. We can actually get into all kinds of problems if we're on the extreme side, either in enabling or limiting. And so I love that you highlighted that about being curious and being active with your kids in it. Um, that is just like absolutely a game changer. Asking those questions, like my instinct, and again, I'll be honest, when I see sometimes my kids reaching for their devices, and they do have them, they're older now, they're 12, 14, and 16. Um, they have different kinds of technology. Um, but sometimes when I see them reaching for it, I have like an immediate sort of judgment of what they're doing. But when I'm able to shift that to a curiosity about like, hey, what are you doing there? Or tell me more about why you love X, Y, or Z. Um, it does completely change the conversation. And that same research study showed like the true value of engaging with our kids through technology. So if they like a video game, actually playing it with them at least once and seeing what that experience is like and be able to being able to engage with them in that.

Stephanie Shafer 9:08

I love that. Yeah, making them curious and you're building the relationship with them too, because ah, my parents are asking these questions. They really care. So love it. Okay. Yeah.

School And Parent Partnership Basics

Stephanie Shafer 9:18

From your persp uh from your perspective, what is a healthy partnership between parents and a school actually look like in this area?

Christina Crook 9:26

Okay. I think the first step for parents to be a great partner with the school, and then we'll talk about the the reverse, the the flow in the other way, is parents, do your school leaders as solid and do not contact your kids during the day on their digital devices. Okay, that's how parents can be good partners, right? As Christian schools, you are all working so hard to create good boundaries, good parameters, um, really successful, focused learning environments. And so when we as parents are undercutting that by texting our kids, by emailing our kids, um, that's just that's just misaligned, right? We're not we're not being a good partner. And so that's just one really tactical thing I feel like parents can do. And then in terms of um schools supporting parents, I think really the education piece is key. That's why at Jummo Campus, really a third of our program is parent partnership, is sharing digital well-being strategies, conversation starters across all the different age brackets, doing platform reviews of um some of the safety and security issues that parents should be looking at with certain platforms, but then show also highlighting positive alternatives or good resources like access.org or common sense media or whatever the case may be. So I think that that two-way flow of support and partnership is super essential because you're all on the same team, you're all working towards the same goal.

Stephanie Shafer 10:57

Oh, that's good. Where do you see a kind of bottleneck or the partnership breakdown most often?

Bedroom Devices And Boundary Breakdowns

Christina Crook 11:05

Yeah, I mean, I think it's quite obvious to heads of school, to teachers, um, when there are students that have no boundaries, no technology boundaries at home. Um and that's where it just gets really, really tricky because that is a misalignment of values, right? Um, we want to use the values-based language, right, at NorthStar, any of the Christian schools listening to this podcast, right? You've got your values as a school, the values that you're working really hard to instill in the students there. And so if those values aren't actually carrying through into the family context, then there is, you know, there is a kind of conflict there. And um yeah, that's where we kind of consistently see it. Sleep deprivation, right? Around the boundary stuff, right? Content, um, because having access to content at ages, they absolutely should not have access to it, having no limitations on how and when they're using tech, and then being able to use it at all hours of the day and night. Um, you know, the power move that we always say to parents is the first step is getting devices out of bedrooms. No child any age should be charging any technology in their bedrooms. It is just such a tricky, tricky place. Um, that is where most of the issues come from. And so, yeah, the really the conflict is that you have no power over the kids once they, you know, leave the school context. Yeah, it's it's a tricky thing. It can be really hard sometimes.

Stephanie Shafer 12:38

So, how can schools um get parents buy-in, get their attention? You know, if they have resources, schools have resources to give like yours, but how do you get their attention and and stop in their, you know, I think everyone's so busy and sometimes it's easier just to ignore.

Christina Crook 12:56

I think it has to

Two Questions That Open Dialogue

Christina Crook 12:58

be a sustained conversation. Um, I would argue that digital formation is the most important formation in this day and age. Arguably, some kids are spending more time in digital spaces during their waking hours than they are in quote unquote real life spaces. And so if we're not forming kids consistently in healthy technology practices and in aligning their Christian values with the ways they're engaging with all the technology that they engage with each day, then we are missing the mark. And so it can't be one and done. It can't be like one webinar a year, one, you know, one little like excerpt and one newsletter that year. It really does need to be a consistent flow of conversation. Um, that's where we've seen the most success. And so parents being able to anticipate, okay, I know my school is going to continue to share things. Maybe I didn't read it this month, but I know something's coming next month. And so if they even just to start to if they even start to use one or two tools, one or two little nuggets in terms of forming their kids at home, um, I think that's a huge win. Most parents are paralyzed, they don't know where to start. The technology conversation is too big. And so we always say to them, like, just take this one question and try it tonight. So I'll give actually two practical questions. Maybe your listeners like that. I know I'm super practical. So that's okay if I share a couple. Okay, cool. Um, so when your kid gets a new piece of technology, so whether it's an iPad or a phone or whatever the case may be, ask them the question, what's working and what's not working, like about a week in, and then check in again a month in and have a regular cadence of just asking them directly the question, what's working and what's not working, and just listen. And you will be amazed by the insights they have. You'll be amazed by um their self-awareness of like, hey, I'm really struggling with getting off of X, Y, or Z, or I'm really loving this. This is really working for me. Um, so I love that that question or that that those questions. Um, another one is, and this is a little bit more in terms of like the thorny, you know, um content issues we can run into as families, but asking your kid the question, have you seen anything online recently that made you feel uncomfortable? So again, this is a sort of like a nugget, like just a little tool to try and open up conversation. Have you seen anything online recently that made you uncomfortable? What I love about this question is it gives your kid the benefit of the doubt. It does not assume that they went looking for content, it does not assume that their friends are bad or whatever the case may be or that they've seen anything at all. Um, but it just provides a window. And I know this question works because it's worked in my family. One night I was um in the room of one of my children, and we're just having kind of a lingery, cool chill time. I was sitting on the floor in their room, and for whatever reason, the Holy Spirit just prompted me to ask this question. And I asked it, and the kid responded, and they were like, no. I'm like, cool, cool. I just like continued hanging out, whatever, chit-chatting. And about 10 minutes later, they came back to me and they said, actually, yeah. Actually, yeah, I have seen something. I said, Okay, well, tell me more about that. So they started to share that they'd been playing this free-to-play online game. And inside of that game was some hyper-sexualized drawings. Um, they're just like promoted ads and they were like hyper-sexualized drawings, and I had no awareness of this. Um, they'd really been struggling with it and didn't really know what to do with that. And so that just opened up that conversation. The first thing this child asked was, Can you give me a hug? Like it was just such a relief to be able to get that out into the air. The reality is our kids are encountering things online. Um, it is it's just a sad truth about um what is just happening on the internet. And so the more proactive we can be and just trying to have entry points into conversation with them, um, it just can go a really long way.

Stephanie Shafer 17:16

That's so good. I love it. Okay, this is how to do it well.

Helping Kids Choose Joy Over Scroll

Stephanie Shafer 17:20

So for educators, parents to have these conversations, lean in, provide the resources. So, what do we start to see in our students and our children when we are doing this really well?

Christina Crook 17:32

I think we start to see more joy. Um at JOMA, we're really focused on helping kids identify what they value, identifying what brings them joy, identifying the goals they have, and then aligning their technology use with those things. So when we make it more about what's in it for them, um, it's just way more successful. Like, do you okay? So it's like, okay, so say this kid this says says their goal is that they want to make the varsity soccer team and their values are courage and friendship and fun, right? Um how are they using technology to get towards that? Well, when they see, they go into their screen, you know, their screen time, when they see, we help them see through education, um, that actually their average on Instagram is like two and a half hours. And that's two and a half hours that could be used, or a portion of that that could be used to like just getting touches on the soccer, the soccer on the soccer ball, right? Putting in one more session. Um, we show them how that platform is absolutely optimized to work against them spending more time on the things that they love and the goals that they have. Um, what I love about teenagers is like they don't like to be manipulated. They don't like to be controlled. And so it like stokes this holy fire in them to be like, actually, yeah, that is stealing from me. That actually isn't in my best interest. And so I'm gonna like put some parameters in place, maybe ask my parents to help me put some parameters in place so that I can do more of the things that I actually want in my life. So that's what we start to see. We start to see them empowered, we start to see them experiencing more joy. That's the dream, that's the mission.

Stephanie Shafer 19:20

That's so good. The light bulb going off for them. And they have ownership.

Christina Crook 19:25

Yeah, right.

Stephanie Shafer 19:26

Yeah.

Christina Crook 19:26

This isn't just like adults telling me, do this, don't do that. It's like, this is about me and what I want in my life. And helping them also, like, even just little things like, how do you feel? Like your kid getting off their iPad, they've been on it for you already know, too long, and being like, Hey, bud, how do you feel? Like, how are you feeling right now? I mean, like, oh, I'm like kind of tired or whatever. And then like them coming back in from doing something they love and being like, How are you feeling right now? I'm like, Oh, I feel so good, feel so energized, like even like connecting it into her body. God has given us a beautiful intuition about what we're actually meant to spend more of our time on. It's actually wired into our bodies. And so, again, if we can connect into that of like, like, this feels really good, that's actually something that God wants more of for us. When it feels really bad, that's a signal that this is not something that we're meant to be doing more of.

Stephanie Shafer 20:19

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I wrote that question down. I'm gonna use that. How are you feeling? Yeah, because my son plays a lot of sports, and then, but also he can come in and be tired and sit, you know, with the phone. Um, I love that. How are you feeling? Yeah, because they get to take that deep look inside and they get to feel it for themselves. We're not telling them how they feel, they have to tell us. Yeah. I love it. Exactly.

Convenience Versus The Good Life

Stephanie Shafer 20:45

All right, as we think about attention, habits, and formation, what is most at stake for this next generation if we get this right or if we do not?

Christina Crook 20:58

There is a quote that I love that says, How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. I'll say that again. How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. Um, this is our one precious life that is a gift that's been given. And if we are wait wasting our precious lives on nonsensical, non-value things, we are not stewarding the gifts that God has given us. The stakes are the highest they could possibly be. These are the lives we've been given. God wants to live the fullness into the fullness of what he has for us. And there is just a lot on the internet. There's a lot in the in the form, the ways we are being formed by technology that is not moving us towards that fullness. And so the stakes are the highest, and it matters so very much that digital formation is a central piece to what we're doing as Christian educators. We want to be moving. I like to describe the false promises of big technology. So the Instagrams and the Facebooks and the Amazons as being the lie that the path to the good life is through convenience and through comfort and through control, because those are the ways that we're being formed by those platforms to have everything. Think about the Amazon experience, right? You think of a thing, you happen to have the app on your phone, you tap the app, and by some miracle, that object appears on your front porch within 24 hours, right? Completely convenient, comfortable, controllable, that user experience top to bottom. That's how we're being formed, that that's how life should be. But it turns out the things that bring us most joy are usually pretty inconvenient and uncontrollable and uncomfortable. We often, if you ask people what brings them joy, they'll usually say, my family, right? Or like my relationships or my friendships. Um, relationships are not convenient or comfortable or controllable. And so we have to be making that switch. We have to push back against the age that's pushing us to believe that the path to good life is through false, false things um towards the bigger, deeper life that God has intended for us.

Stephanie Shafer 23:20

Yeah. And to bring it full circle, getting dirty in the dirt, being messy and relationships are messy and dirty, and and it's hard work for good things. And yeah, it's not the quick and easy is not where the joy is found. So I love that. And our true joy in Christ, uh, the relationship with Him and how that spills over, and yeah, being able to talk about that with others. And so I'm so thankful for you, the joy of Christ in you, and and how you are spreading it, providing resources and making education so much better. And super thankful to know you and to build a new relationship and see how you can come alongside and help us at NorthStar.

Christina Crook 24:04

Amazing. Uh, my joy to have this conversation. Um Stephanie.

Stephanie Shafer 24:10

Yeah, thank you.

Closing Thanks And Next Steps

Stephanie Shafer 24:14

Thank you so much for listening today. If you have any questions for our guest or like information about Northstar, please email us at podcast at nsa.school. We love having guests on our show and getting to hear their stories. If you have anyone in mind that you think would be a great guest to feature, please email us and let us know. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on upcoming stories.