Show: A Haunting
Episode: Provoking Evil S10 Ep5
Sam Baltrusis is an author, historian and paranormal expert that educates and entertains. During a Halloween event, Sam performs a seance and gets possessed by some shitty spirit. To top it all off, all this is happening in Salem Massachusetts! Can Sam's friends come together to save him from this evil spirit?
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Theme song by Jamie "I'm Gonna Kill You, Bitch" Nelson
Show: A Haunting
Episode: Provoking Evil S10 Ep5
Sam Baltrusis is an author, historian and paranormal expert that educates and entertains. During a Halloween event, Sam performs a seance and gets possessed by some shitty spirit. To top it all off, all this is happening in Salem Massachusetts! Can Sam's friends come together to save him from this evil spirit?
Check out our website: https://www.buzzsprout.com/837988
Linktree: https://linktr.ee/itsalwaysthehusbandpodcast
Like our Facebook page and join our group!!
Instagram: @itsalwaysthehusbandpodcast
Twitter: @alwaysthehubs
Etsy Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ItsAlwaysTheHusband?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=776055218
Theme song by Jamie "I'm Gonna Kill You, Bitch" Nelson
The following podcast contains adult themes and adult language. Listener discretion advised.
Speaker 2:And although we joke, if you or someone you know is affected by or a victim of domestic violence, dial 1-800-799-7233 or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline's website, thehotlineorg.
Speaker 1:It's always the hook baby. It's always the hook baby, it's always the hook baby. I don't keep it. Hi everyone. This is Sarah, this is Megan and you're listening to. It's Always the Husband Podcast. Today, on Halloween, it is October 31st when this comes out, 2023.
Speaker 2:It's our favorite day of the year. It is and it's a.
Speaker 1:Tuesday. So that sucks massive King Kong dick. What are you going to be tomorrow at school?
Speaker 2:I'm debating between several things actually, you always have so many. I have a few choices.
Speaker 1:But I'm always like nothing. Yeah, I'll see how I feel in the morning. All right, we have a new Patreon, though. Who?
Speaker 2:is it we want to?
Speaker 1:say hi to Amy Pigman. Amy Pigman, welcome. Thanks, aims. She will get also our special episode we're going to do tonight too. We just do a little after the show chatting about current events, and we just record it for Patreon and send it their way.
Speaker 2:We talk about dicks and hows.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we do Dicking bowls. That's pretty much I mean really.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And thank you for the birthday wishes. Wishes or wishes, wishes were lovely. Thank you, I appreciated it so much. Turning so elderly is terrible. Just foot in the grave. Foot in the grave, foot in the grave that's my cake every year. Foot in the grave and icing at the top of my cake. Do you want to tell people how old you are? 175. My God, you look so good. Yeah, I do for 175. But thank you, that was so nice. And it was nice to see people out at the Halloween zombie crawl in Prior.
Speaker 2:Lake was fun.
Speaker 1:People really go to town and decorate themselves up like crazy folk. It was fun. I got a bit hammed on hams. Yeah yeah, severely hammed on hams. I woke up asleep on the bathroom floor with a pillow and a blanket, so Jamie must have done that that was nice Instead of helping me into the bed, just brought the pillow and blanket, which is probably a better choice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that's how the puke stays in the bathroom Right. Oh, just dumb yeah, and you're just kind of now, today it was a two day. Oh my, it's been terrible yeah.
Speaker 1:It's been absolutely a brutal beating.
Speaker 2:That's what happens when you're on a date when I mixed multiple booze beer and wine and then had gin and tonic.
Speaker 1:So that was Horn's fault. With a long vagina, I caught up with her. She fell on the dance floor, I was shitting and I had to leave immediately because of the vomiting and the shitting. Oh, what a terrible night out for old people.
Speaker 2:When. I went to brunch with my sister because I had to leave. So I started the zombie pub crawl and then my sister-in-law and I went to Matthew's live, which was awesome and fun, but I missed everyone just losing their minds, right?
Speaker 1:So?
Speaker 2:when I went to brunch the next day, cassie said Gans head fun.
Speaker 1:I did have fun until it hit the wall, Like I hit a hard wall, but I remember thinking this is actually fun.
Speaker 2:And I missed it. You missed it. The one night I had fun in my whole life and you were gone.
Speaker 1:No, it was super fun, super fun, but I was, I mean, I couldn't have been more hammed on ham. I know and that led to the fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good. Well, what about this weekend? We have oh, we have a TT's wedding. Oh shit, this is going to happen all over again. I'm good, I did not eat enough.
Speaker 1:That was my problem. And I didn't drink anywhere near enough water, and I needed that liquid IV.
Speaker 2:If we do that, I think we can handle it. I think I still have some. I'll bring that. We have to bring a ton and we have to eat just bread all day?
Speaker 1:Oh for sure. Otherwise it's just going to be a shit fest.
Speaker 2:Literally All of us together. We haven't all been together for a while, look how it's going to be a disaster.
Speaker 1:So excited I picked for a glitter in my shitter this week. I talked about it on our Patreon last week but Wondery has a podcast called I hear fear and it is terrific. It's just short little horror tales like a half an hour and it's hosted by Kerry Mulligan, who has the most beautiful English accent I've ever heard, and they're they're great Like great written and performed. Just little fiction horror narrative Ghosts or all different, like scary stories, some are sci-fi, some are just creepy stories.
Speaker 2:Some are just like scary horror stories, like when we were little and we used to listen to that scary stories in the dark like that. I mean kind of, but I mean adults, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it's good, they're all different. Okay, so it's great. So if you want to just kind of take in any last minute Halloween, listen to that.
Speaker 2:It's great. I love driving to your house at during Halloween because that house on the corner is so did we talk about this before? Every time I drive by it I'm like it's the cutest, it's so crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they go to town. Yeah, they do A lot in my neighborhood go to town which is good.
Speaker 2:You had one, right, I do so I can't even remember if I said this, if I did like I am legitimately losing my mind. So if I said this before, I apologize. But I bought a new laptop bag for myself and it I, in the past 100 years that I've been working at the deodorant factory, I always just use like a tote bag or backpack, and so I was like I want to class up this joint a little bit and I'm going to buy this laptop bag. So it is really cute. I saw it on some TikTok or something and it is just called laptop bag for women leather work tote.
Speaker 1:So a man, a penis, can't have this laptop. Correct, it's only for women, okay.
Speaker 2:So don't even think about it if you're a man. But this it's just like real classy and it's sturdy and do you feel like you're bet middler in big business?
Speaker 1:I really like it, I do. Going to a business meeting, I do.
Speaker 2:I feel like a boss babe.
Speaker 1:Or what's her name in a baby boom or whatever.
Speaker 2:Diane Keaton. Yeah, diane Keaton, before she got the baby.
Speaker 1:That was exactly what she's having a business meeting, yeah. She brought or Alexis Carrington.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think Diane Keaton brought the first Apple sauce prototypes.
Speaker 1:She did, oh good.
Speaker 2:So it's really nice it it was like 35 bucks or something like that, and you can put it up.
Speaker 1:How wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it comes in a variety of colors. Oh good, I got the color orange brown.
Speaker 1:I was going to say about you got an orange, yep, I love it, how cute.
Speaker 2:It is cute.
Speaker 1:All right. So it's our Halloween. End of our Halloween October specials. All month, we either did something like Amityville horror a horror movie based on a scary story or a Halloween murder that happened on Halloween. Like the, lesbian lovers.
Speaker 2:Yes, with that mask shooting, who's got?
Speaker 1:the hairdresser, this one. We watched a show that I had not heard of. It's just called A Haunting and it's on Discovery Channel Discovery Plus, of course. I mean, it's dumber than fuck. This was the dumbest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life and I love Clifford with Martin Short, and I've seen it multiple times. This makes Clifford look like Citizen Kane. This makes Jamie's favorite movie called Hot Dog look like Citizen Kane and Porky. It's yeah, but I loved it because it was just balls to the wall weird.
Speaker 2:It was all fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Poor quality everything and the story itself was so dumb that it was offensive. It was To anyone that has one plus 1.5 or more brain cells it's offensive, I still cannot, I don't understand any part of it. I don't understand any part of it. So we're gonna this is a Halloween sans gone wrong story, we're gonna tell you, and it involves murder, it involves possession, it involves a Canadian tuxedo oh, jean jacket, jean shirt, jean's. It involves steampunk. I mean, you can't go wrong with those four, you can't.
Speaker 2:And the game went. Oh well, several gays, they didn't mention they were gays, but you know, oh, maybe I shouldn't say that. I mean, I'm assuming.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's probably offensive. Well, probably, but I mean you're assuming they are and what's? Just because I couldn't help it, I hope, because they theatrical and you know, creative artis. Yeah, they were it was just.
Speaker 2:I can't believe they made 45 minutes out of this.
Speaker 1:I can't either. I don't even understand. I just kept wondering. So, as we go through it, it was the, like I said, the dumbest thing I've ever watched ever.
Speaker 2:So I'm sure you're all dying to hear about it. Let's get.
Speaker 1:let's get into it so before we start, though, it happened. I mean, the event of the show happened in 2016. But there's a I could have done a far away murder year of the show, but that's okay, I thought I would tell you. Since you are like books and you are able to read, I thought I would tell you the top 10 best selling ever horror books. What are they Do? I take a guess, it it is on the list.
Speaker 2:Pet cemetery Is yes, carry no oh, misery no oh. So, let's go. Vampire diaries no no.
Speaker 1:What is?
Speaker 2:that one with Ann Ruhle, oh. Interview with the vampire. Interview with the vampire.
Speaker 1:There were two lists. I look at the first main list that popped up. I'll go over that one. But then interview with a vampire did pop up on a different list.
Speaker 2:Okay, on a different one. Okay.
Speaker 1:All right, so number one best selling of all time, all time, the shining. No, oh, but that's on the list too Okay, okay. Frankenstein by Mary.
Speaker 2:Shelley.
Speaker 1:So Frankenstein is number one all.
Speaker 2:Do you think people really read it, or do they just buy it? I didn't find it that great, but yeah, I mean I guess.
Speaker 1:Okay, and number two is Dracula from Bram Stoker.
Speaker 2:Again, don't love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, three is gonna blow your balls straight up into your esophagus. I mean, blow them to smithereens, and then they're gonna go up and out and you're gonna spit them right into your drink. Okay, and you're gonna die. Flowers in the attic by VC Andrews and they counted it on all lists as a horror like three.
Speaker 2:It is horrifying.
Speaker 1:Flowers in the attic. Wow, if you have not read that whole series. What's wrong with you? You are not a 40 something, no Person. No, you got to. Number four is the Exorcist by William Peter Blatty. I've read that and it was off-putting, just like the movie, my god, okay. Five is Silence of the Lambs, thomas Harris.
Speaker 2:I didn't read that book. I love that movie.
Speaker 1:It's very good, it is Okay. Sixth, the Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. But her story, the Lottery is also just as fucking creepy and horrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she writes lots of weird fucking stories.
Speaker 1:Ring by Koji Suzuki. I'm assuming it's like the ring movie. And then Stephen King saves the day with the shining pet cemetery and it round out the list. Hp Lovecraft wasn't on any list but he's kind of who the hell is that? He's an extremely famous horror writer. I've never heard of him. Sarah the Amityville Horror is on some lists and not on some lists. But interview with a vampire to Ghost Story by Peter Straub I guess it's a 70s novel. That was huge, but I hadn't heard of that.
Speaker 2:So those are the horror novels. What about Twilight? I mean, no, is that too lovey?
Speaker 1:No, Okay, there's tons of porking in it and it's and Renez May. Alone the name is a horror. That is the dumbest thing ever. Where did the Renez? Because it was both moms, right, she took the name of both. Her mom was Renez and then Esme with the Dracula. Yes, she put them together. That was dumb, oh my.
Speaker 2:Okay, also that's dumb is the pedophile Wolf Wolf course.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Whatever. Okay, you're right, that's not a horror show. So 2016, again, did I go deaf? Was I gone for this whole year? I don't know these songs.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think we're too old for modern pops. Panda no, by designer. I don't know who designer is and I've never heard of Panda.
Speaker 2:Never heard of him. I know who Rihanna is, but needed me. I don't know that song. Oh, I do kind of. I think I know that Kick by the ocean. I remember that one. Yeah, kick by the ocean.
Speaker 1:I played it too much and it got real weird 21 pilots.
Speaker 2:I remember the kids at the deodorant factory left that, but I didn't. I don't know one song.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Cold water with major laser. I don't, no, I don't know Future and the weekend had low life. I've heard of both of those people, but I don't know Anyway.
Speaker 1:We're not with the times, we don't know.
Speaker 2:I do know that Ariana Grande is saying you make me feel like a dangerous woman. Remember that. Something bad. I love that song and then I did know some other ones. Like we don't talk anymore.
Speaker 1:That Charlie.
Speaker 2:Puth song, remember that I do. And then there was Well the kick by the ocean like I said but Adele had some too, like hello, oh, can you hear me? And Trolls must have been famous, because can't stop the feeling with Justin. Timberlake was number nine, but there were many things.
Speaker 1:No, I think we just didn't pay attention. I don't know what we were doing.
Speaker 2:I took a pill in Ibiza, mike posed.
Speaker 1:Oh, I know that one, you would know it, I would know it.
Speaker 2:Work from home. Is that a you better walk, walk, walk I don't know. Ty Dalla sign. Who is that?
Speaker 1:I've never heard of him, but I don't recall the looks of this gentleman it just seems like I never heard. No, it just says in our bank it's not our bank, yeah it's not Okay.
Speaker 2:Well, that was the popular songs.
Speaker 1:So at the time people were listening to the songs, I think this man probably would have known all of those songs. This show, again, is called A Haunting and we found it on Discovery Plus. There are ten or even more seasons of this nonsense. We watched a show in season 10, episode 5, called provoking evil. How did they get to be? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. There are brilliant writers that struggle to get their brilliant novels published and yet this, this gets on the air.
Speaker 2:I can't figure it out for ten fucking seasons.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't know. I mean, if you want to write the great American novel, I mean, write it, I mean. But then again, I don't know, I think I don't get it. It's really weird. Before it starts, it gives you a caveat or whatever, a little message at the beginning. Events are based on eyewitness accounts and it does not say that these eyewitnesses are hammed on hams. But you know, they are hammed, they had to abide. They have their whole face in a jankam bay, yeah, and so all of these eyewitnesses are just balls to the wall high. Now, I enjoy that.
Speaker 1:It's set in Salem, massachusetts. Salem is a very haunted town, so it's set in Salem and they show lovely. Salem looks lovely, yeah, they are. Our star of the show is a man named Sam Baltrusis. We see the real Sam and a reenactment Sam, and before they really start this show, they give you a background on Salem and those that are not from the United States. Salem had famous witch trials in the 1690s because men are absolute pieces of shit and decided that just beating their wives wasn't enough. They're gonna accuse them of being witches and just burn them to the ground.
Speaker 2:Right or crush them with rocks Right.
Speaker 1:Or put them in the water, and if they drowned?
Speaker 2:whoops, they weren't a witch.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so Salem has a paranormal history, they're saying it's, you know, one of the most haunted places around, just because men killed so many women there.
Speaker 2:Probably would have to do with it.
Speaker 1:But Sam also says Salem is the most haunted city in America where he lives and it works for his job. Because Sam is a paranormal researcher and an author. He has written 10 historical base.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was gonna say Sarah.
Speaker 1:Ghost books.
Speaker 2:He's really a historian. First Right, he makes it clear that he is a historian.
Speaker 1:He is a learned historian he sure is and then a paranormal author. Second, now, I have did not look up any of his books to see what the covers look like or what they're about, or if it's called like a ghost touched my wing, but I feel like it maybe would, and I would read the hell on that book.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So October 2016. Sam puts on a great show and he's a great storyteller, so he gets hired which actually seems like kind of a fun night by a local historical society that's doing a charity function on Halloween and it's held by a near at a nearby mansion. In the mansion is called the Pierce Farm at Witch Hill and they spelled Pierce wrong. They did.
Speaker 2:Why is that?
Speaker 1:Because maybe the Pierce family didn't even know how to spell their own name at those times?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess.
Speaker 1:But that does seem kind of fun, like you dress up in your Halloween costume and they did all sorts of like haunted events at this farm.
Speaker 2:But there was a. You couldn't just dress up like any Halloween costume, you had to be steampunk Halloween.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's what they said, but no one did.
Speaker 2:Well, no one like they attempted. Well, someone put a fucking like no wire fork that she pulled apart and spread it over her head and that was the metal.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Steampunk Sarah.
Speaker 1:Sam was. We're not there yet, though.
Speaker 2:Okay, but they were dressing like steampunk or like.
Speaker 1:Victorian times. I just put a mask on and I go to a dance.
Speaker 2:And then put like something metal. They did not try hard.
Speaker 1:No, Sam was to tell a ghost story and do a theatrical performance and they wanted it creepy, so he was all gung-ho for it. Like I'm gonna creep the hell out of the shit, I kind of like that.
Speaker 2:Sam the historian, the serious historian, is also known for his theatrical interpretation.
Speaker 1:Very theatrical ghost storytelling.
Speaker 2:I hope he's in, like all the summer theater, I hope so yeah, re-enactment, sam.
Speaker 1:Now we see he enters a library of the mansion and it's kind of like an old, looks like an old-timey library and Sam said it had a great creepy vibe and he's walking carrying his outfit in like a protective outfit case thing, garment Bank. That's what I'm trying to say. God Sam's friend, mike, is also there, because Mike helps with the sound effects and the special effects.
Speaker 2:Where does Mike sit, sarah?
Speaker 1:Mike sits in the closet during these events and he goes in and out of the closet. Yeah, we saw real Mike as well. Now it was Sam's idea to dress up as Victorian era steampunk the only which they described steampunk which right away I was excited to see the steampunk. I thought here we go, this is what I'm here for they adding in the steampunk. Even I'm a hundred percent on board Because you love steampunk or what?
Speaker 1:Because it's a shit show all the time, okay Okay. Steampunk is Victorian age fashion, but the tech is like a science fiction tech, like it's a different timeline where technology came on differently Was present, but everyone is still dressed in Victorian, all like gears and weird shit.
Speaker 2:Gears, metal Goggles, a lot of metal goggles.
Speaker 1:In walks a man named Sean Ward. He is the current owner of the farm and he looks fucked head to toe. Now it looks like he's trying to do steambunk because he has the hat. He has fucking goggles on the hat, he has torn jeans, but the jeans are also duct taped around. He had a plain card.
Speaker 2:He looks straight up full. Why was there a plain card stuck in his hat? He's wearing a.
Speaker 1:Texas, belt, buckle with the duct tape, jeans, but then his whole upper half is just a fucking tuxedo. None of that is steampunk. None, not any of it. None of it. I mean maybe the dumb ass goggles on the hat, but it's done all wrong. None of it made sense. And then just none. So I thought, but okay, he's trying. And then I was excited again we're gonna see all sorts of fucked steampunk. But we'll see so fucked up Sean reenactor, because real Sean was kind of handsome and looked normal.
Speaker 2:So I was confused. He was just the owner, right? Yeah, he's just making money off of it.
Speaker 1:Sean, in his fucked up tux steampunk, picks up a book. Or he sees Sam Sam picks up a book about witches. So Sean says Mary Eastie, she was an accused witch and got arrested right here. It's like, oh, this poor woman Mary.
Speaker 2:Eastie?
Speaker 1:I don't remember her, but I'm sure she had a terrible ending because of a stupid ass man, I'm gonna find out what happened to her.
Speaker 1:And then there's a portrait of some dick on the wall and Sean Ward says this is Benjamin Crowning Shield. He was the secretary of the Navy and he was the owner and builder of this farm. But what he really did was just build like the mansion part of the farm. The farm was already there. So the crowning shields were a very prominent family in Salem around the early 1800s. And then here is where we see the real Sean Ward and I wrote handsome and I'm confused. I guess the crowning shields had a big shipping business and we're pretty rich. A photo album comes out and then there is a photo of a straight up dork and I said he looks like a mix of Elvis and Tom Jones but like with Shaggy, like a weird ass picture. That doesn't make any sense for the times, because the times we're talking about are like late 1700s, early 1800s. And this weird Tom Jones dork his name is Richard Crowning Shield and that's a fucked up name.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:And I guess Richard had a terrible reputation. He was an alcoholic. He owed people money. Now, right now I'm like, well, that's everybody so far. Everyone is an alcoholic and we all owe people, we do Tons of money. But he was also a gambler and a criminal they said Cut in, we're done.
Speaker 2:We do know who Mary Eastie is. She remember Rebecca Nurse.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:From the Salem Witch Trials, so that Rebecca Nurse and Mary Eastie are sisters and Mary Eastie is the one who made the kid go crazy. Oh, and then.
Speaker 1:Who's the one that had titchiva?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't know, but she got hanged, of course.
Speaker 1:Well, at least it's better than being burned at the stake, I guess I mean, god forbid a woman have an opinion or something, or burn the potatoes. Anyway, back to this, richard dick.
Speaker 2:I just was like oh, I didn't know who that was.
Speaker 1:Richard, who again was a part of this prominent, rich crowning shield family in Salem, was hired to murder a boat captain named Joseph White. We don't know who hired him or why someone wanted Joseph White dead, but Richard killed the shit out of him in 1830. I guess Richard crawled into his captain bunk on a ship and bludgeoned him to death in his sleep. Richard then, of course, was immediately caught and sent to jail, so he was also stupid as well.
Speaker 2:Well, everyone knew he was like the worst person who ever lived in the town.
Speaker 1:It had to be Richard, because he's such an asshole. So Sam says oh well, richard, crowning shield is the subject of my ghost story tonight. And so Sean says I have something to show you. And he whips out his wane. He says take a look at this wiener. No, he didn't, but I was hoping you would. It is wiener out and he's like haven't you noticed my wieners been out the whole time we've been talking? It's like no, oh, I didn't see it. Gosh so into Richard, yes, so into Richard Kackenbush.
Speaker 1:Yes, so Sean loves the idea of Sam telling a ghost story about the people who lived in the mansion. Well, Sam is not a novice. Sam knows what the hell he's doing.
Speaker 2:This is a theatrical historian.
Speaker 1:Ghost teller Right he almost hit the situation and he knows the routine and he knew the assignment to come in and just kill it.
Speaker 1:So Sean brings Sam a walking stick and he says we found it on the property. We believe it belonged to the crown and shields. Come on, it's a stick. So Sam touches the stick and again, this is all very much weighing centered, the entire episode. Now, Sean did not really have his wiener out, but I'm feeling like this is in Uendo about his wiener was out. Sam says he touched the stick and then he felt the energy of the stick. And then Sam says it felt like I was transported back to the 1800s and I want to say are you underneath a gas leak? Like, are you standing under a gas leak from some old gas lamp? Because I said, sir, come on, or are you on mushrooms?
Speaker 2:Yeah, there is just this whole section here. This whole scene was just ripe with sexual in Uendo.
Speaker 1:Oh, the whole thing, all of it, it's wiener in your face.
Speaker 2:Wiener club, you strong, hard stick yeah.
Speaker 1:Now Sam says can I use this wiener stick in my show? And Sean says well, of course, that's awesome, go for it. So now we have the reenactment where Sam enters dramatically in this costume. Is it steampunk? Not one bit of it is any kind of a steampunk. Sam, this is your idea to do a steampunk. Now I feel like the real Sam was steampunk head to toe the reenactment. He looked like a magician from LazyTown or today's special. Like would be a magician dummy that came to life in today's special wearing a cheap, shitty magician outfit. There was no steampunk. The real Sam would have been decked out looking like amazing. I feel None of this was steampunk. I was terribly disappointed.
Speaker 2:No, it was like he didn't even try at any, not even at all, not to be steampunk or just even not to be like from the 1800s. He was just fucking. He was a magician from late to town. Really Houdini, like wrong century. Oh my, it's like a kid horrible kid party drunken hired.
Speaker 1:You hired a drunk to distress and do a balloon show.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Now Sam says to Mike we have six groups coming through, so he has to tell his story six times. And I was like ain't no thing. Yeah, we do that shit all the time. Teodorant factory you have to put on the show every day, nonstop, over and over.
Speaker 2:Same one.
Speaker 1:Sam tells Mike, when I tap three times with my stick, that's your cue to do the special effects. And now get in the closet. Yeah, get in that closet now. Sam set his goal, because he is a historian first, was to educate and entertain. Sam starts the show and he says something like welcome and taps a stick and there's Mike in the closet and he has lightning and thunder and it just scares the whole group.
Speaker 1:They get into the mood of it all. Sam starts the story of Richard the murderer. He says April 16th 1830. He should have done like pee. We went large march and a night just like tonight.
Speaker 2:But he didn't.
Speaker 1:He didn't do it. He does say it was a night with a full moon. Richard crawls through the window of Salem shipmaster captain Joseph White, because who knows what this dick did to somebody else? Richard has a bludgeon. I don't know how he got his fat ass through that little porthole. I mean he's just struggling in and scraping the shit out of his wiener on the porthole as he's trying to get in. How did Joseph White not wake up? There's this guy crawling in through his porthole. Joseph.
Speaker 2:White also. I looked up in real life and he was like a hundred already.
Speaker 1:Maybe he was already dead. Maybe that's why I didn't hear any of this shit.
Speaker 2:Or he was deaf? Yeah, he didn't have his horn. No, he didn't have his horn To listen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Richard had the bludgeon and he made it himself, I guess because he was a cheap ass or something. And he walks up to the peacefully sleeping captain, wax him violently again and again, and this is where Sam goes to town, freaking out, pretending to whack the shit out of the captain and acting it out and screaming, and so the onlookers are like oh, oh, oh. And then Richard took a knife and stabbed Captain White 13 times around his heart, all around it Sure.
Speaker 1:Sam then goes fucking nuts and starts screaming into the air Is there any spirit here that wants to talk with us tonight? No one Does any spirit want to enter my body. He says enter my body. I give her mission for you to enter my body and speak through me.
Speaker 2:Surprisingly stayed in the closet.
Speaker 1:Mike stayed in that closet, but Mike did say he saw someone walk up behind.
Speaker 1:Sam as he was hiding in the closet. And then the show reenactment. There's like a creepy zombie ghost that just flies into the camera. It's kind of creepy and scary.
Speaker 1:So the performance ends, mike is getting freaked out because Sam is acting like such a fool. And then he comes out of the closet and tells Sam I thought someone was here. And Sam says well, I have 10 to 15 minutes between each session. And then he starts looking in the mirror and he turns to Mike and he says oh my God, I looked a formed what I mean you do, kind of because you're in a dumb ass magician outfit. You're not even steampunk. And Mike is like what? And Sam says take a picture of me with your phone quick. So Mike gets his phone and takes a picture of Sam. Sam looks at the phone and then stares again in the mirror and Mike says what is wrong? And Sam says do I look okay to you? And Mike says you look fine. And then the next group comes in. So then Sam starts his performance again but kind of fucks it up like he's tripping balls on something and is like starting to get paranoid and he starts thinking like the real.
Speaker 1:Sam says I kept thinking people were just judging me and laughing at me. They were yeah, because you were not steampunk at all, that's why. But Sam, I guess, gets through all his performances and Mike says everyone loved it, like you were awesome. This is great. Sean. The owner is so excited. He comes in and says you're a hit, like everybody loved it. Sam starts freaking out. He's like rocking back and forth, he's sweating, like he's going to have like a terrible diarrhea and can't wait to get out of there. And Sean says you're going to leave.
Speaker 1:There's a huge party here with food and treats and drinks and this is where Sam shares that. He is sober, so we know he is not on booze or jankum during these events. My god, now we're really questioning. Now we're like what in the hell? What the fuck? So Sam says no, mike and I have to leave. And he tells Sean I am sick, I am going to, something's wrong. Sean says the Sam at the end of the evening, compared to the Sam at the beginning of the evening, were two totally different personalities. It was like his personality just changed. Well, it probably had the squirts, who knows. So now we have a reenactment of Mike driving Sam home. Sam is jerking all around the car. I mean not like jerking jerking, but like moving all around the car. He's sweating, he's breathing all weird. He's shaking, he's just acting like he's jonesing for crack.
Speaker 1:Mike is driving and then Sam keeps saying they were laughing at me and Mike's like, well, no, everyone liked your performance, no one was laughing at you. And then Sam starts acting like his own hand is attacking him it was very odd and the hand is grabbing the seatbelt. And then Sam is staring at Mike and his own hand is like trying to choke him out and take the seatbelt off. And again it is like he's just tripping hard balls.
Speaker 2:It's like that, jim Carrey, didn't he try it? Like he was beating himself up? Yeah, that's what it was like, or whatever the light, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And he's seeing vision. So he's seeing the scary person in the car. And then Sam says he had an overwhelming urge to open the car door as they're driving down the street and jump out. So he starts opening the car door, yeah, and Mike is like god damn, it Stops the car and gets him home somehow without him jumping out. And Sam just says I'm very tired, I'm going to go to bed. So Sam goes to bed reenactment Sam in his costume still, and lays on top of all the covers. Yeah, and he says I don't know if I was sleeping or if I just blacked out. But then he sits up like a vampire suddenly, like where you just go yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he did. And then I don't know if he's sleepwalking, but he goes outside to second floor balcony and he's acting like he's going to jump. But I want to say what's it going to do? It's not even barely above the ground.
Speaker 2:Maybe it would have twisted an ankle, maybe or broke a toe, I don't know. He could have gotten a walking boot, maybe.
Speaker 1:And he's going to jump. But then he kind of snaps to it and wakes up out of this sleepwalking and freaks out in the real Sam as he's telling the story, starts crying Because he's very upset that he was having these sleepwalking events where he was going to hurt himself.
Speaker 2:I too have thoughts about what was happening, but I'll save those for the end.
Speaker 1:Now, a few days go by, mike comes to check on Sam because he hasn't been hearing from him. Sam tells Mike about his sleepwalking episode where he almost jumped off his two story one story deck. He almost jumped off his deck which kids do all the time. But Mike goes, sam, are you drinking? And Sam gets very angry and says no.
Speaker 2:Well, it's a.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is a valid question, Sam, because you were acting odd. Sam then picks up a giant butcher knife and starts shaking it at Mike and Mike is saying what in the hell are you doing? Things have gone awry. Then the next second in the reenactment, Sam is covered in the cheapest fake blood you've ever seen, Like dollar store cheap blood.
Speaker 2:It was like from Target or Walgreens Straight up red icing.
Speaker 1:I think, and then Sam says what the hell? And there is Mike. Now I was distracted for a minute because Sam's pants are baggy, yet he had an enormous camel toe at the same time and the fake blood was so horrific that you just couldn't get into it. So Sam in this vision is covered in blood and there is Mike or an icing whatever.
Speaker 2:Bloody on the floor.
Speaker 1:So Sam kind of snaps up from the vision, he gets freaked out. He grabs all of his 5,000 knives that he seems to have in his cute house On the outside it was the cutest house you've ever seen, yeah and he puts them in some sort of plastic tote and then gives Mike the knives and tells Mike to get the fuck out. Yeah, hit the brick stick. He says Get to step in, douche. And Mike's like what is going on? And he takes the knives and just leaves. And so Sam the real Sam says I was coming to terms, that something paranormal was happening due to my sands. Well duh. So then we have the reenactment again, where Sam ties himself to his bed like the exorcist so he can be prevented from hurting himself or others. And the real Sam is crying as he says this. But I thought you know what Good for you. You thought you were having some sort of a mental episode and you wanted to.
Speaker 1:I mean, why not? As Sam is trying to sleep, there is a voice screaming in his room saying do it, do it, do it, do it. Sam then screams out and threatens the spirit and tells him that he's not welcome and to leave. The spirit just continues to yell do it, do it.
Speaker 2:Do it.
Speaker 1:The spirit seemed to act like every 12-year-old child in America, and then, for some reason, the ghost of Richard Crankinshaft or whatever appears on Sam's bed falls on top of Sam and then some sort of fog, aka Wang, goes right into Sam's open mouth.
Speaker 2:No, explanation of what's going on.
Speaker 1:That's a huge wing-shaped fog that goes right into his mouth. What's going on? Why is it doing that? Is that what you meant by do it? I just wanted a little bit of a mouthy. You didn't want a tongs job, you didn't want a handy, you just wanted a little bit of a hoo-hee-ha-ho All the tongs were packed away Goddamn tongs.
Speaker 2:Mike had to take those out of the house, that's. Sam just like Martin.
Speaker 1:Short in Interspace, he had the ghost wangle right into his mouth. If I had a ghost wangle into my mouth, I would be concerned too. Exactly, my God. Just dusty old fucking ghost. I know I don't need that wang anywhere near me, dick. Yeah, oh, geez, days go by and Sam now is just having the hardest time he's disheveled.
Speaker 2:Oh my, he hasn't opened the curtain.
Speaker 1:No, he has not left his house. He is not taking any calls.
Speaker 2:He's given a ghost a blow job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's an unwarranted and unwanted Many things wrong. Every day is getting worse and worse and he's not eating and he is not sleeping. The real Sam says I was embarrassed to tell my friends that I was possessed. I guess that is embarrassing.
Speaker 2:Poor man, shout it loud and loud.
Speaker 1:I mean, are you going to get help if you don't tell people? That's the first way to get help. So Sam decides to look up symptoms of possession on his computer I mean who wouldn't, yeah? And then, like his eyes go all black, like Richard's taking over his body and Richard's on the computer, and then he starts frantically typing and you can see that he's googling big tits, huge wang Brad Pitt, wang John Hambald.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I may or may not have done that. Whatever, no judgment here, sam.
Speaker 1:No, and then really, what he does is he goes onto Facebook and he starts asking all of his friends for a real human skeleton. Fucked up, come on, sir. Hello, do any of you out there have a real human skeleton? Who has a real human skeleton in their house? And then he wrote it must be real, not plastic. I mean, who would have it? I hope no one does. Now we see the dumbest thing in the whole world His friend, joni Mayhan, who I guess is a real person. I'm sorry, joni. She becomes worried about Sam because he's posting weird ass shit on Facebook, so good for her. She goes to Sam's house and it's been a week since the Halloween Sands and Joni walks in and Sam is a torn up mess. Now Joni announces that she is also a paranormal author. She has been friends with Sam for years and Joni also lets us know that she was born a sensitive, so she is able to detect ghosts and spirits. Yeah, you can, she's got wings out too?
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's hope so, because that's what seems to be a salt in Sam. Button up your weighing, sir.
Speaker 1:Well, she said, george Washington has his balls on your coffee table.
Speaker 2:She said that she and Sam had been through it.
Speaker 1:They have been. David Krakus has his penis out and it's on your teacup.
Speaker 2:So tough.
Speaker 1:Jon Adams is farting on your television set. I don't know if you've ever heard.
Speaker 2:They're sore.
Speaker 1:Oh Christ. So now Joni says God damn Sam, why'd you put that fucked up shit on Facebook? Everyone thinks you're a goddamn weirdo. And Sam says I don't have any memory of that. And then Sam, like, goes in and out of being himself, so, like he gets angry at Joni, and then Joni gets scared of him, but then, like the real Sam comes back and says help me, help me. Joni says I'm going to get you help and then immediately starts to leave. Like, what are you doing? Like, where are you going? Like, if you're a sensitive, can't you see the ghost and do something about it? Yeah, I don't think it was working right then. So then the spirit takes Sam over again.
Speaker 2:No offense to Joni. No, I mean she is a sensitive you know. Maybe she is, you know what. I'm good for her.
Speaker 1:She's a friend who cared and went over there. She did, I mean, thank God for her. Joni was very scared at the way Sam was acting, so she does leave. But then she reaches out and calls her friend Michael, who is a shaman. Now Michael is wearing the Canadian tuxedo of the jeans she didn't get any and he is not any bit native, as I can tell.
Speaker 2:Or shaman light? Absolutely not. When I saw him I was like yes, shaman's outfit.
Speaker 1:Show up in a G-jacket In jeans. I can't. It's just so terrible. This is the guy that's going to help us. He looks like Fred Armisen too in the reenactment, like from.
Speaker 2:SNL, I thought for sure he was a long haul trucker.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm sure he was?
Speaker 2:He looked like any guy you'd see at a gas station.
Speaker 1:No, this is not any kind of a learned shaman. And now he says shaman is a Native American medicine man. Now, this man is, I mean, who knows, maybe he has a little bit in him, I don't know. But Michael, when he gets there he says he's communicating with the spirits and he's going to cleanse Sam. He grabs Sam's head and he can see that the ghost is inside controlling Sam, and he says that spirit was evil in life and it is also evil in death. Michael says I need you to fight for your life, sam. Yeah, and Sam's like okay, so then Michael? Michael has Sam come over and he lays down on the hardwood floor, just lays down in his outfit there, like there was a couch. Yeah, I don't know. So Michael then takes salt, which I've already made a circle with salt.
Speaker 1:But that seems like a, like a hoodoo or like a voodoo type.
Speaker 2:Salt and holy water, but holy water.
Speaker 1:Now I don't feel like a shaman uses a holy water, like those two don't really go together, right Did you hear what he said about the Catholic church? Yes, I mean he was doing a.
Speaker 2:He said I use holy water because Catholic. Catholic's been around a long time. It's a very old religion and it works.
Speaker 1:So Sam, yeah, michael takes out the holy water and he puts the salt around Sam and Sam is flat out laying on the floor. And then Michael says he's going to call upon his spirit guides. And then Michael takes a drum out of his purse and sits on the floor and is drumming, but then he starts calling out, as he banks a drum, like he's calling out for Michael the archangel or, yeah, the archangel, yeah, the Gabriel. Gabriel, michael, and he's yelling their names and he's pounding.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I feel like it's like an elaborate setup for just Michael the Cosby. I was way with him, but now, apparently he didn't. Now Native American guides in ghost form start showing up around the room. Yes, Sam sits up and the spirit that's in him leaves Sam and has like a big wrestle fight with the Native American guys. All the ghosts are fighting all over the room. They're like wrestling and shits going all over the room as they're fighting. I just I can't even handle it.
Speaker 1:It was the dumbest scene you've ever seen the dumbest scene, the dumbest scene I've ever seen in my whole life, yeah, but then the drumming stops. Sam like wakes up.
Speaker 2:Well, he pounded the shit out of it when they were really fighting.
Speaker 1:He's like oh, and then, for the 1800th time, michael explains that the negative entity was attached to him at the Sands and it was Richard Cumberbund, and we all were like duh.
Speaker 2:Why didn't he say that right away to the shaman? Well, I mean, we all knew that.
Speaker 1:I know, oh, and then it just then they like stare at each other, and then Sam says well, I invited the spirit into my body during my show. And Michael says don't do that again.
Speaker 2:Why the fuck would you Don't do that?
Speaker 1:And then they just smile at each other as they're having coffee. And then Mike comes over and has coffee. It's like this is a dumbest scene you've ever seen. How are you not just mortified?
Speaker 2:How much do you think they paid Michael? No, what was the shaman saying Michael, michael like Dick and balls For Michael to drum.
Speaker 1:I don't know how much his fee is, but he lives in Salem, Massachusetts. He's got to make some buck to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like there is not cheap a market for if if two historical paranormal expert writers can live and be friends together in a town, there must be a market for it, I'm guessing.
Speaker 1:I mean there should be. It's a creepy haunted town. I mean he's probably making bank, yeah yeah, and he's just has whacking away puss and weighing with a stick. They're throwing themselves at him.
Speaker 2:He's like the man and just fucking making it rain. Yeah, jean Jackets.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he is. I can't even handle it. I couldn't handle it, you know what, but I enjoyed it. I really did. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Speaker 2:Let's just think the Catholic God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's think that all of those together, sam salt and holy water is the trick. I'm just going to clean my Bits with salt and holy water and be safe from now on.
Speaker 2:I'm glad Gabriel and Michael could pull one out.
Speaker 1:And also the Native American spirits that with Richard coming bum, yeah, dumb, thank God.
Speaker 2:Please know that everything that we said in this episode was our own opinion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was as dumb as they are, they're very much our own dumb opinion. We did not research this case any farther than this highly educational show, except I did look up to see. Mary Richard.
Speaker 2:Dickenballs was actually real Was.
Speaker 1:He was. Oh, he was just some creepy douche.
Speaker 2:He killed himself in prison.
Speaker 1:Oh well, Because he was guilty yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, and he finally got caught, oh, beating the shit out of a 90 year old Idiot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, he was probably mental.
Speaker 2:I mean what made me a little sad just to bring the room down. Yeah, it was like maybe Sam was just going through like a horrible major depressive episode Right, like having suicidal thoughts, having these ideologies, yeah, and like instead it was a possession.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, it worked.
Speaker 2:He feels good as gold.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's happy now, so I'm glad for him because he seems awesome.
Speaker 2:Again thanks to the jean jacket. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I'm going to hire him. Yeah, for something.
Speaker 2:I don't know for what I don't know, but it seems like a good time, but it does. He'll drive his semi over here from Salem. Oh truck and shaman.
Speaker 1:Oh God, well, that's Halloween, you guys happy Halloween. Yes.
Speaker 2:We love you so much. We hope.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening and have a safe Halloween.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Dressed up as something foolish and going out with your children. Eat all your kids almond joys, yeah.
Speaker 1:Take them. Take the Reese's peanut butter cups. Yes.
Speaker 2:You hide them in your desk drawer and you eat one every day.
Speaker 1:All the dark chocolate kids don't like that anyway.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, they hate it.
Speaker 1:Steal it Okay nice, all right yeah.