🔥 Logs on your fire - part 2

3 brand new UX tombolas, unwrapped.

Mark, Nick and Paul delve into the UX of Christmas traditions, can we fix the UX of stocking, Christmas dinner and wrapping paper.

We also play a game of guess the object. What is it, what’s it for?

Join us for a little UX insight and musing in this special.

🐎 80% comedy, 20% UX, 0% filler

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🎙 Spotify: https://jubb.ly/3d0d0a 
🎙 Apple: https://jubb.ly/c75cca

🎥 Watch: https://youtu.be/GYjaKrOt1VE

#Podcast #Design #Live #Christmas

PEACE!

Sound effects from https://www.zapsplat.com

Title music: James Medd
Produced by:
Paul Wilshaw
Nick Tomlinson
Mark Sutcliffe
James Medd
Anthony Jones
Chris Sutcliffe

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:06

Hello everyone, this is Nick again, introducing part two of the special Christmas episode of Faster Horses. We're just launching straight in where we left off in the last episode. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you come back for more. I love you. Alexa, set Q lights to green.

SPEAKER_08 0:39

Oh hey. Instant.

SPEAKER_03 0:45

That's considerably brighter than the red, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06 0:47

Hello and welcome to a UX Files excerpt. A U excerpt, if you will.

SPEAKER_03 0:54

Nice. Go on. So I can't remember the exact date. It was like in the early 2000s, I think. Sony were testing a new radio that they'd made. And they did it in two colours. They did it in black and then a really nice, like bright yellow. And they were doing a focus group. So this is like a parable of why focus groups are shit, they said that out. So um they were doing a focus group, and they had all the people in the room, they were like, What what what what do you think is your favourite colour? Like, we're trying to decide which is gonna be the biggest seller. And everyone in the room started like gassing each other up, and they're like, Oh yeah, yellow, it's bright, it's you know, it's cool, it's I I really identify with that yellow one. I think if I was gonna buy one, I'd buy the yellow one because it's bright, it's a bit me, it's yeah, blah, and everyone just starts talking shit basically and trying to outdo each other. Yeah, yeah. And then at the end of the session, it's like an hour or two session. Someone just randomly, one of the execs or whatever, was like, Oh, we've got a ton of these radios, we've had them out of the box, why don't you all just take one? So, on the way out, everyone grabbed a box and and went home. And the execs checked the boxes after everyone had left, and absolutely every one of those people took a black one and left a yellow one on the table. Yeah, and that is why focus groups are shit.

SPEAKER_06 2:19

I think the problem with that was the measure of expectation that I didn't inadvertently been set up there, which is that you've got to pick a colour, and then thus it's incumbent on you. Um, I mean, I won't be picking any colours now because my retinas have just been burned out by your fucking gimbus lights, yeah. Um, but yeah, you set an expectation to to and you you you ask for these people who just don't really consider these things on a day-to-day basis, to ideate. You invite them to come up with a solution as if they were designers, and so they do, they try and step up to the plate and think outside the box. And precisely what you should be leading them to do is to think very much inside the box. Inside the box. Yeah, um, and you know, there's a beautiful Terry Pratchett quote, which is um something along the lines of I'll be prepared to listen to people uh thinking outside the box when there's any evidence of people actually thinking inside the box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's the kind of thing you you want here.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

Yeah, like uh thinking outside the box is an alternate take to what's popular.

SPEAKER_06 3:34

What you what they should have done instead of a focus group, it was lead with picking up a radio of whatever colour you like. Yeah. And then maybe even done as something similar where they attribute different psychological metrics. So just changing the price. The RRP, even if they get it for free. I guarantee if you got one for free, everyone would pick the most expensive one.

SPEAKER_08 3:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 3:57

You know, and and and factors like that. Yeah, so it was different tool for different job, really. And so it was a shitful.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Different tool for different jobs. That was like your your your property. Well, in fact, that weren't even Yorkshire, were it? It was Bolton. Is Bolton in Lancashire? It is, yeah. Different tool for different jobs. That's that's that's my accent. Just fucking dragging myself in.

SPEAKER_04 4:27

You revealed to be yourself more like me. And welcome back to what was it? Uh being Nick Tomlinson.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

You know, Nick Different tool for different job.

SPEAKER_08 4:43

Right. Um God, that would that that story reminds me of uh a job interview I went forward's uh UX job, and I was asked to design a radio, and I was presented with uh a box wrapped in white paper. I had to draw on the box what the radio had looked like uh based on a parameters given by kind of an interviewees, uh not the interviewers, not the I was the interviewee, wasn't I?

SPEAKER_02 5:24

But essentially it was gonna ask yourself a question and then run around to the other side of the desk after it. Nice to meet you, Paul.

SPEAKER_04 5:41

Oh, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_06 5:44

There's definitely a persona attached to this interviewer, the one that you were running around the table to ask. And I wonder how much sexual tension there was between interviewer and interviewee in the every interview I go for 100%.

SPEAKER_08 5:59

I can confirm that's true.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Very sexy. That's all sexy.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

I believe there's a slug on my finger.

SPEAKER_07 6:14

I am told that story in this podcast.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Yeah, that's called back humour.

SPEAKER_08 6:18

Sorry, Paul, but so it was, and then it was like, you know, what would you do? And I kind of said, like, well, I've seen these products, I like these products, but and I think they'd had loads of people before me just kind of invent some shit that'd never been done before, uh, and kind of like just kind of come up with wacky ideas for these uh products. And I said, like, well, this is what I'd like, this is what I'd think it'd happen. You know, I asked loads of questions back and kind of like, oh, do they want an iPad on, you know, to connect to it, or kind of like, you know, what's their vision like? Uh what, you know, are they uh kind of like what's their age and things like that? And I think all those questions really helped. Um, and I did get the job, uh, and all those questions helped. So I think a lot of people came in and kind of like just drew on a box straight away without asking loads of questions. Uh and they kind of like just came up with like a product they'd like, not kind of like four other people, yeah. And that that happens a lot. You're kind of like, oh well, I like this, but you know what happens next, what happens after that? Why?

SPEAKER_06 7:23

Uh comes back to why we do something similar with our technical interviews, um, which is a second stage of our interview process, and it's a it's a it's actually really difficult. Um, and a couple of the interviewees, poor fuckers, have turned around and just gone, no, I'm not doing that. I mean, I've done that, and people ask me to do. If that's the case, then maybe this job isn't the best fit, question mark. Um, but the the technical interview phase, we ask our interviewees to basically solve one of the biggest problems in the modern world. You know, um world hunger. Uh not quite, right? It's it's uh it's essentially yeah, yeah, COVID. It's uh it's a question. I promise we won't use the solution. It's the uh yeah, we asked them to uh come up with a solution to help reduce um cars on roads and help the climate change and stuff like that within urban areas. Bikes. Now, of course, what we're asking for is one UX designer, and a lot of them do come back with that response, which is fine. One UX designer to solutionise for 30 minutes about one of the biggest problems in the world. And it's like we don't so we do turn around and say, look, we're not we're not after an actual solution. We want to see your process, and going back to what you were saying there, one of the most important things is how they frame that problem. Now we don't answer any questions, we don't stipulate who the demographic is, or but the best candidates have always inferred that from the brief. We had one candidate who uh came up with a fantastic protopersa in about three minutes and managed to nail the most difficult demographic, the most responsible demographic, as middle-class white male going around the city in his huge Range Rover for no reason. And it's like, well, how do you convince that person to start using a bike or public transport or some other more um effective alternative? Um kidnap his kids.

SPEAKER_03 9:37

Why?

SPEAKER_07 9:45

Absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:47

I can take you up with Mark Steeler, I think it'll be well. Yeah, cool.

SPEAKER_06 9:54

Should we do this thing? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's I'm excited. Let's see if we can uh is it all right? Have you got any soft drinks that I can I've only got hard ones?

SPEAKER_03 10:05

Oh yeah, nothing.

SPEAKER_06 10:07

I mean I'll have a whiskey, I don't mind.

SPEAKER_03 10:08

I'm being driven home. Um yeah, I'll go get you one. Drunk really cold coffee.

unknown 10:15

No.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

Uh with Christmas buttons while I'll drop a drink.

SPEAKER_06 10:18

Uh were you asking if I wanted that?

SPEAKER_08 10:20

Yeah, yeah. Uh yeah, I wouldn't mind uh water or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

Whatever or whatever.

SPEAKER_08 10:27

Yeah. Whatever's going.

SPEAKER_03 10:31

I don't think we're gonna have I don't think we're gonna have time for you things, I think. Are we gonna do is put a camera up?

SPEAKER_06 10:38

Maybe not. That's fine. We can record it another time. Yeah, we can do it.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

We can just speed through these two bits.

SPEAKER_08 10:49

I like these bits. It's good. It's good.

SPEAKER_06 10:53

Again, we can edit we can edit, do various edits. We can put up the uncut version.

SPEAKER_08 10:59

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 11:00

You know, the one where people think they want to watch us do nothing for half an hour. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 11:09

Let's do the we can do the fig one. The figure one actually might be better remote.

SPEAKER_06 11:15

Oh, we've all got all on the laptop and I mean I'm happy to do it remote later, so yeah.

SPEAKER_08 11:27

And then we can um crack on the funny stuff here.

SPEAKER_03 11:32

I mean we don't have to even do the other one.

SPEAKER_08 11:38

Oh Nick, we've gotta do this. So I'm curious. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

100%, thank you. I'll just be up and down and weighing if I do that.

SPEAKER_08 11:56

Oh. We recorded for the uh inside Nick Tomlinson episode. That's outside of Nick Tomlinson.

SPEAKER_06 12:03

Yeah. UXSMR or UXMR sis. Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:09

So recording. In my pocket I've got a treasure. Oh, do we gonna do a little theme tune? Oh yes, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_06 12:19

Yeah. Um do I need to do a backing for you to sing?

SPEAKER_03 12:23

Yes, you one of these tubes do it. Sing us off. Okay. Sing yourself, right?

SPEAKER_06 12:27

Well, I did the Nick Tomlinson. Oh god, is it me? So I think it's your turn. I need a start.

SPEAKER_03 12:38

Do you want me to do some music?

SPEAKER_08 12:40

Yeah, go then.

SPEAKER_09 12:57

Six one six is Welcome to um Nick's sticky pocket.

SPEAKER_06 13:08

Well, I've got something in my front pocket for you.

SPEAKER_09 13:12

Why don't you reach outside and see what it is? This is horrifying.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Right, so oh yeah, so the camera right, so here it is. Here it is.

SPEAKER_08 13:24

Oh, oh, oh, oh what on earth is that? What is it? Is it? Ooh. Um no, may I should we describe it for the people listening?

SPEAKER_03 13:36

Yes, for the audio people at home.

SPEAKER_06 13:39

So I currently have in my hand a piece of plastic. In fact, you'll see in the artwork for this episode a um an illustration. An illustration of this. It is a length of plastic about um two inches long right into the camera when he said that. About two inches long for their pleasure. Um in the centre of it is a hole around which the plastic um is the description of the And at at its uh its perpendicular axis is a a triangle, the longest edge of which is curved along with the circumference of the hole. Um that triangle is a well what do you call that shape? Triangle. No, when it's extruded out. A long ziggle. It's a extruder out, a long ziggle pyramid uh with slightly curved edges, and it is in fact in itself hollow.

SPEAKER_03 15:04

It looks somewhat like a chalk that you would put under a wheel. Ooh.

SPEAKER_06 15:09

Oh. Did I know? Yes, I see what you mean. Yeah. Um, the first question I have, I'm now gonna hand this to Paul to have a closer look at it. The the first question I have is have have you used it? Yes. Right. The second question is probably more important is this a sex thing?

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Everything is a sex thing. It's quite a small hole. I've got to say.

SPEAKER_06 15:36

Um does I you know how does your body typically interact with it?

SPEAKER_03 15:43

Um so one of you has interacted with it in the intended manner. Oh, so you put is it right.

SPEAKER_06 15:51

Okay, the intended manner appears to be stuffing your finger into the hole.

SPEAKER_08 15:57

How fisting the whole thing.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Yeah, yeah. Shall I sh shall I only answer with yes or no? I think that's appropriate.

SPEAKER_06 16:06

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I or why? Do you have any any further questions? Is it ask one in turn?

SPEAKER_08 16:15

Oh, okay, yes or no. Is it is it definitely won to be worn on your finger?

SPEAKER_03 16:24

Yes. Um I feel like we should get more finger.

SPEAKER_06 16:40

So that's uh yeah, you can see me using it with my again, my fingers, uh the ligaments between my middle and ring finger are slightly shorter than it should be, which means that they're bending towards each other. Um but otherwise I've got the. Alright, fancy. Um I've got the hands of an Arabian princess. Um they're in my batter bag somewhere. Um so if it is meant for my finger, does the triangle extrusion rest on the top of my finger when using it as you can say? No, no. It's achieving nothing.

SPEAKER_08 17:32

Is is it to gain physical finger strength?

SPEAKER_03 17:40

No.

SPEAKER_06 17:49

And welcome to um out of context call which is just you doing that for fifteen minutes. So I am stumped. I can see that there is a natural ergonomics to it.

SPEAKER_03 18:08

So thinking along those lines then it's it's not quite fully accommodated by any finger, is it?

SPEAKER_06 18:18

No. Does that mean it's is it intended for my thumb?

SPEAKER_08 18:24

Yes. No. Is it hard so that what is it is it a tool?

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Yeah. In the same way that um an orangutan hitting a nut with a brick is a tool.

SPEAKER_08 18:56

Oh, that helps a lot.

SPEAKER_06 18:58

Well, but it's used for something it's the same way. You're a fucking tool. Hey! Why? Is the extrusion here fundamental to its use? Yes. Right, okay. Is it for folding paper?

SPEAKER_03 19:16

No.

SPEAKER_08 19:17

Is is it used with something else? Yes. Oh. And now it's half past one in the morning. We still haven't figured out. Just keep asking a question. Um why? Why?

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Why? So you're using it right there now. Right, okay.

SPEAKER_08 19:43

Is it is it a part of an instrument?

SPEAKER_06 19:47

No. Is it used um professor's later craft? No.

SPEAKER_08 19:58

Does it stop your thumb? Getting stuck in other holes.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Yeah, it was such a problem. I was getting my thumb stuck in so many holes around the house that Drew immediately went onto Amazon and bought a flange for the end of it. My thumb went, she was calling there and I wasn't answering. And she came upstairs and I'd been stuck for two hours with my thumb in a plug and fucking drainage hole of the bath. And I was too self-conscious and infrared and ashamed to call for help. And at that point, she went on to Amazon and found Mark Steeler.

SPEAKER_05 20:37

What's it called? This is your thumb flange exclusion prevention system. R T F E P S. Oh. We're always working on names here in uh in Melbourne.

SPEAKER_03 20:56

No, it's not it's not for that. Um so it's used in in sync with something else. It is um does it help with anything digital? No.

SPEAKER_08 21:10

Is it used in preparing food?

SPEAKER_06 21:13

No.

SPEAKER_08 21:14

Um is it used in DIY?

SPEAKER_03 21:18

No.

SPEAKER_08 21:19

Is it used in gaming? No.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

Gaming's digital in the modern sense, isn't it? It's not used in old school games.

SPEAKER_06 21:32

Is it used to is it a technically a health product?

SPEAKER_03 21:38

No.

SPEAKER_06 21:45

Uh is it ask about ask more about its is the colour important?

SPEAKER_08 21:50

No. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 21:51

Uh are these plastic extrusions used to significantly it is.

SPEAKER_03 21:59

It is almost perfectly designed for its intended use. There is absolutely nothing on that that isn't that doesn't need to be there.

SPEAKER_06 22:10

Is it used uh uh is it used to solve a very specific problem?

SPEAKER_03 22:14

Yes Yes. I would say problem is probably slightly too grandiose a term. So is it right, okay.

SPEAKER_08 22:29

Is it to say is the triangle meant to rest on a flat surface?

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Not a flat surface, no. It's supposed to make a surface more flat. Perhaps perhaps. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 22:53

Well that either that means it does or you're grossly misleading us.

SPEAKER_08 22:57

Well, is it is it a tool for your giant play-doh collection? You got to you got to the P in Play-Doh.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Oh, Play-Doh, thank God.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

Um just ask more questions about is intended concert. It's intended.

SPEAKER_06 23:28

Well, you can you can only answer yes or no, and I'm coming up a blank. Um is it used in the uh kitchen? No, is it used in the bedroom? Yes. Right. Is it used in the living room? Yes. Office? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:46

Um you could use it in the kitchen, but probably not as much as the other rooms that you said.

SPEAKER_06 23:56

Is it um does it interact with other furniture?

SPEAKER_03 24:00

No. Right.

SPEAKER_08 24:01

Um stationary product tangentially, yes. Okay. Would you use it with uh yes. Is it the primary purpose to use with a page button?

SPEAKER_06 24:17

Yes. Is it to help you draw a circle? No. Is it to is it used to create a mark?

SPEAKER_03 24:30

No.

SPEAKER_08 24:32

Is it used in folding?

SPEAKER_06 24:35

I've got to answer this question. Is it used in origami?

SPEAKER_03 24:41

Wait, um let me answer Paul's question. Is it used what was your question? Is it used in folding? In folding.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:50

Is it used to fold something?

SPEAKER_08 24:52

To fold something. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 24:54

Is it used to help you um get the corner of your page? No. Right. Well, it was close. It was very close. Is it used to keep I've got it! Is it used to keep your page when you're reading um with one hand? Keep your page? Is it used to hold a book open with one hand?

SPEAKER_03 25:33

Not that that's dr it's Drews. Thanks. And and uh that's another episode of What is in my pocket.

SPEAKER_06 25:43

Another episode.

SPEAKER_03 25:44

It's the first episode of the I do these myself without a camera all the time. Oh, mixed in a pocket in a dark room facing the corner with my thumb stuck in something. I've got to pass the time somehow.

unknown 25:59

Right.

SPEAKER_03 26:01

That was fucking great. I love that. It was good. We should do that every episode.

SPEAKER_04 26:06

Oh gosh, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 26:07

Oh it's it's I like it. I like it. It's good.

SPEAKER_06 26:13

Yeah, and we're gonna we're gonna have to overlay that pretty directly, I think, in the top. Where maybe where the T. We'll put the footage of the hot?

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Yeah. Right, now what? Oh, because it's a fire.

SPEAKER_08 26:28

Now what?

SPEAKER_06 26:29

What's well I think the only other thing we had planned was the Figmalong.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

A UX tombowler? UX Tombowler.

SPEAKER_06 26:38

Oh yes, okay, alright.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

See ourselves home with a UX tombler.

SPEAKER_06 26:41

We can we can come up to our last segment now, which is of course, UX Tombowler. Now, uh now, how do we want to do this? We want a Christmas special. Yep. So we can maybe each three of us suggest something and we'll pick our favourite one.

SPEAKER_08 26:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 26:59

Uh a stocking.

SPEAKER_08 27:01

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the format? It's where Nick. You need a theme tune.

SPEAKER_06 27:09

Of course, yeah, yeah. So this is a starter UX Tom Bowl. So it needs to be a special Christmas EXT. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Boom bong.

SPEAKER_03 27:25

Oh, that well known time.

SPEAKER_08 27:29

Oh, we got the copyright.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

Christmas time. Big bombing, bomb Christmas time. It's you're smash tomb.

SPEAKER_08 27:42

Oh god, the bomb. Didn't even bomb.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

Uh get yourself a new pair of headphones for anyone who's just got a brand new Alexa for Christmas. I apologize. But it will still be in warranty.

SPEAKER_06 27:56

Yeah. Um the uh yes, so thank you. Would you like to name your suggestion?

SPEAKER_03 28:02

Um the stocking.

SPEAKER_06 28:03

The stocking. Okay. Mine's gonna be uh Christmas dinner.

SPEAKER_08 28:08

Oh I'm gonna go for the there's a few I could go for. Just one. I'm gonna go for Rapid Paper.

SPEAKER_03 28:21

Rapid Paper.

SPEAKER_08 28:22

Yeah, rapid paper.

SPEAKER_03 28:24

Right, so we've already got the name of the new product, Rapid Paper. Rapid Paper. Self-wrapping. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 28:35

Okay. Have we so okay? We can uh which what which one should we do? I mean, I reckon we do all three.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Yeah, right, let's do all three.

SPEAKER_06 28:44

Do you want to set a 15-minute timer then?

SPEAKER_03 28:47

Alexa.

SPEAKER_08 28:48

Time of 15 minutes. You know, if anyone's listening to this out loud on speakers, they'll have all the lights changing. They'll have like timers.

SPEAKER_06 29:01

Okay, let's talk about what you said for stockings.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

Yeah. So uh if you're setting a stocking up at home, it's probably best to take your leg out of it first. That was like a fucking dad joke.

SPEAKER_07 29:16

You were you were really happy with that thing. You were really fucking impressed with yourself. Same as fucking Nicholas.

SPEAKER_03 29:29

I was called Nicholas because I was expected to drop near Christmas. It was either that or Joseph, thank God. My mother made the right choice. Sorry to all the Josephs out there. I was gonna say, yeah. You're not sorry, Joe. You're not happy with that one.

SPEAKER_06 29:45

So the I used to have a Christmas stocking right up until I left um home um at the right old age of seven. The bindle thrown over your shoulder. That's all laptop for Christmas stocking. Um and we had the same ones, they were um they were a large fabric sock, yeah, which stockings tend to be obviously in a Christmas style knitted, and they would go they wouldn't go on the um on the fireplace, above the fireplace, they would go on the fireplace because that would be incredibly cruel.

SPEAKER_05 30:24

Merry Christmas, Jeff. It's cool anyway.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

And um not because you've been bad, but just because you know the it's your interest from now, Pit.

SPEAKER_06 30:40

Um it's your Christmas bonus, we're all exactly. And so um the way it worked was um when we were asleep uh for the Christmas, we'd fill our stocking with little goodies. Uh, they were usually little toys sweets. Uh there was an orange often at the very uh toe of the shoe of the stocking. Um and the tradition that came with it, I think, which was a big part, is that when it was Christmas and it was like, has he been? We would gather together and uh me and my two brothers would go into my parents' bedroom and we go through our stockings with them whilst they just watched on sullenly at the various bits of shit we pretended to be overexcited about that they'd put in there the night before. That they had put in the an orange. What a surprise. And it was interesting when um Santa would run out of ideas as to what to put in stockings, and I think the biggest user experience problem is that is what do you put in a stocking?

SPEAKER_03 31:49

What is worth anything that would fit inside a stocking? Now, the thing with things that would go inside a stocking is these days, if it's small, it's either worth absolutely nothing or the complete other end of the scale, it's like some fucking AirPods or something.

SPEAKER_06 32:08

Um what what kind of expectation are we setting now? Now I don't know, I don't have kids myself. Uh I don't we I did do a stocking um with my brothers a couple of years ago, and it was a uh it was just an opportunity to take the piss out of each other. Um I got Chris a backpack covered in dinosaurs and proceeded to fill it with I can't even remember, it was just utter not I might have just filled it with gravel. Um Chris got Daniel a um There's that like another northern tradition can go and do someone's passion on that one earn some money. Uh Chris got Dan a bowl of no no thank you. Um he got he he got Daniel um a basically it uh almost like a Victorian edition of Pass the Parcel. It was a newspaper, a ball of newspaper, and on each layer was a different useless thing. And it started off quite nice with like vegan sweets and um and then it got progressively degenerated into less and less useful things. And at the centre was tuberculosis.

SPEAKER_08 33:24

Well not quite at the centre at the centre was a book holder, it was actually a black fire lighter labelled vegan martial.

SPEAKER_06 33:40

And layers before that he got a comb, which uh at the time my brother had a shaven head, and above that was a hot wheels car. And so it kind of there was there was a meta going on. Um, and from Danny, again, I can't even remember what I received. Um it might have just been is this a UX story, or are we just talking about your Christmas comments? You're talking, are you talking about my my the iterations of of what a stocking has been? All right. So yeah, it's just a mark story.

SPEAKER_03 34:09

I've I've just sort of realised now I do genuinely have a UX concern about stockings, which is like in the real world, when you're not living in like a Dickens novel, how are you supposed to put them anywhere? Like in the in the pictures and stuff you see, like people hammer a nail into the fireplace, into their expensive solid wood fireplace in here for the sake of one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if you rent like I do, you can't just whack a nail in over a non-existent fireplace. So you use an entire pack of blue tech to join all that. Or like command strips that aren't going to stand up to like my level of gift giving. Oh yeah. They're gonna be straight off a wall.

SPEAKER_06 34:53

Yeah, I'm not used to just gravel. Yeah, it's got handfuls of dirt, it's heavy that stuff.

SPEAKER_03 35:00

So what what would we do to fix that problem there?

SPEAKER_08 35:04

You know, one of the other things about stocking is like you it's getting stuff in there, and also it's it's like you have to it's that curve at the bottom in there.

SPEAKER_03 35:14

Curve at the bottom, yeah. And it's also there you go. I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 35:18

And then to the to the gift receiving, I think there's something else in the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

You have to almost like say, like the amount of times I've done a stocking.

SPEAKER_09 35:28

My mom's been like, oh, is there anything else in there? Have you got a cat, a car, a Thai car? Yeah. Well, you might want to have another look in a Santa Claus might have pulled up.

SPEAKER_08 35:37

Or you like try and run and then pull one thing out, and it's just one thing. Everything else comes out with a human leg.

SPEAKER_06 35:44

Well, I think a good UX solution would be a you know how you get these services now, which are a step up, they're like a glorified loot box. That's what they're called, they were loot craze, it's a real craze for them. I reckon you could do a legitimate service, which was a personalized to a level stocking loot cray that you could get yourself or everyone else, and it came to you and and with a floor stand with a hook on the top of it. Yeah, it could any degree of of kind you probably have different accessories you could fork a fortune out for, and so you'd you'd list your interests maybe, uh, or the kind of things you want, any dietary requirements and that, and you'd spend I just realized how sad loot boxes are.

SPEAKER_03 36:31

It's like no one will buy you a present, so you just get one yourself, everyone. Oh, you poor people, there's an entire industry that's grown over that.

SPEAKER_06 36:40

There's quite a number of industries that have blossomed on loneliness. You know, um we can do the UX of loneliness on a Tombola one day, I think, but not at Christmas. Um but yeah, I think that's your UX solution. If the biggest problems are around opening, uh stuffing a stocking and unstuffing a stocking, yeah. Um hanging it. And hanging it, maybe you you have an end-to-end service which delivers you a stocking that is maybe disposable that has biodegradable. Yeah, that's that's biodegradable, and you've got a mixture of things, and that way you can get yourself a stocking as well. And you don't want to and you can have adult stocking, because it's similar to the advent calendars you know you now get, which is 240 quid because you get uh 24 bottles of gin, um which are like RRP 350. Um and so yeah, that would be my solution. An end-to-end loot box type service, loot crater type service called a box. Um called stuffed. Oh take it away, my favorite. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 37:53

Hello! It is me, your favourite, uh, your favourite Boltonian uh mental episode. Wait. We'll cut to this footage and it can be like the TV advert. Hello! It is me, your favourite mental episode from Bolton, Mark Steele. And today I have a very important product and service called Stuffed, and it is where we will take your personality and reflect it in a stuffed sock. You get to choose a size of stock sock. We've got three sizes. We've got child sock, we've got woman's sock, and we've got men's sock. I always get the woman's sock because they're recycled. Um very sustainable.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

Rapid up, Mark Right.

SPEAKER_08 38:56

Can I just ask why? Not stuffed available for again.

SPEAKER_09 39:03

Why? Right.

SPEAKER_07 39:05

Okay, love it. I wanted to mention someone's leg being trapped in the machinery.

SPEAKER_04 39:09

But I didn't got right.

SPEAKER_03 39:10

The UX of the Christmas dinner.

SPEAKER_08 39:12

Christmas dinner?

SPEAKER_07 39:13

Christmas dinner.

SPEAKER_08 39:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

Time ins.

SPEAKER_08 39:16

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

Small oven. Different time ins. Well why?

SPEAKER_08 39:24

Why? I think I think there's there's a fair huge thing as kind of like I think there's an expectation on Christmas dinner. But that expectation is different for different people. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_06 39:37

Well it's so entrenched in tradition, yeah, isn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 39:40

And I think there's so much pressure on I because I'm the person who always makes Christmas dinner in our house. And there's such an expectation on that person. And then when when your kids are a bit older, they don't give a shit about Christmas dinner. Or then you get to like elderly relatives and things like that. And then kind of lighting it.

SPEAKER_06 40:01

That's when it becomes significant for me. Christmas dinner has probably overtaken the whole gift giving aspect of it for me. But I mean, we don't really have a traditional Christmas dinner. We were actually having salmon for Christmas dinner. Not with gravy. Having a sushi for Christmas dinner.

SPEAKER_07 40:25

Oh, they're fitting a stocking, wasn't it? Mark Steeler's come in with his stocking with a woman's leg in it.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Stuffed with all his fucking shitty things that he's made up of.

SPEAKER_08 40:36

Oh, you can fit some glasses close to it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:40

And Christmas dinner is going to be basically paper. Well, what Mark Steele calls Christmas dinner, we call disvolving of the evidence. And it's just a fun family event uh that often involves um midnight in a canal. Big night in the canal, the new novel from Mark Segler. Oh, it's I've read just the first page of that one. It's incredibly erotic, incredibly quickly. Um thanks, Mark Sigler. Uh yeah, so yeah, Christmas dinner. I have really happy memories of Christmas dinner though. Um the problem is now that um my mum can't fit us around a table. She says she can't.

SPEAKER_03 41:24

I think she refuses to it's because she bought a tiny bit of table so that she could have the excuse.

SPEAKER_06 41:30

So over the past couple of years it's been hours, and that we tend to go overboard. We tend to buy enough food to feed six people and then we start cooking it a little later, we're already pissed.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 41:44

And then so we're not even hungry by the time when it comes to playing up.

SPEAKER_03 41:48

Yeah, usually stuffed with chocolate as well. I've probably left the key in the door and you're gonna fucking kill now.

SPEAKER_08 42:02

Well we'll wait, we'll wait. Yeah. Load music load.

SPEAKER_03 42:39

Moon music.

SPEAKER_08 42:41

Moon music Yeah. Yeah. Why why do websites not do that? You know, kind of like on Black Friday, it kind of loads websites and kind of like when you're ordering a PlayStation 5, you go into a queue. Why do they not take the same approach as when you're on the phone? And play you like uh Coldplay sung by a different artist. Covered by Coldplay.

SPEAKER_09 43:10

Usually play that what we're talking about in the case.

SPEAKER_06 43:26

They play the first phrase of Einstein Knackt music by Mozart, which is bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And then it stops and they go, you are 78th in the queue. Yeah. And then it starts from the beginning. It's like the piece of music's nearly 12 minutes longer something. Just continue where you left off.

SPEAKER_07 43:44

Um, of course, my rendition though, if we're just barking bum is not actually accurate to um the the anything. Uh no, it's not like that.

SPEAKER_08 43:53

I always like that. They can have always put it in kind of like your call is Alexa, stop. Your call is really important to us. We'll be with you very shortly. Well, if it was that important, you bloody can speak to me straight away.

SPEAKER_07 44:08

The line cuts off. Yeah, only your call is important.

SPEAKER_08 44:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 44:13

So yeah, talking about the UX of Christmas dinner. Yes. I think it's all in the prep, isn't it? That's that's where the user experience is, because otherwise it's just a commercial meal, which is the user experience is the meal on the plate at the end of it all. I think I when I was talking about uh Christmas dinner, I'm talking about the user X, the process of making dinner. Okay, and that that the user is the person preparing dinner or the people preparing dinner, um, and kind of the challenges as you as you came up with the timings, the expectation, the oven space, the oven space. Yeah, you know, um the vegan option. This is this is I was gonna mention exactly that, and apparently it's not acceptable to launch chestnuts at them from the other side of the room. Out of a tiny can of why not? Why not? Well, I got asked to leave the restaurant.

SPEAKER_04 45:12

We don't know where you found the time. Oh the chestnuts, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 45:17

Actually, August. I think there's a solution for this. I think because you know what one of the other problems of Christmas dinner is you always make way too much food for the amount of people, and kind of like then you absolutely bond or stuffed kind of the rest of the night, and it's it's a horrible you feel like horrible after all night Christmas night. You go, uh uh, I'm not gonna do anything.

SPEAKER_07 45:44

Um yeah, but that's his name from the Goonies Martin. Yeah, Martin.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

Hey you guys!

SPEAKER_07 45:56

I'm Martin. I've been chained to this one for way too long. Do you like my Superman t-shirt? We've all got the Martin around our Christmas table. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:10

Um maybe the real Martin was the friends we met along the way.

SPEAKER_06 46:14

Oh. If you don't have a Martin around your Christmas table, it's because it's you. You're the Martin. You're the Martin. Around your Christmas table. Um, so yeah, you said there was a solution.

SPEAKER_08 46:26

Yeah, I because the timing's you know, it's gone, uh portion sizes, expectations. Just get a box with all the stuff in. Put it in the microwave. No, not on the microwave. That's a bit stop. No, not on the microwave. Uh just get like a tin box with all the stuff, so you get your brusset sprouts and stuff like that, and then one by one, they just killed. Kill a member of the family. Oh, right. So all with food poison in mind you don't ever fuck it up with that. Exactly the same time. You just put in like how many people you've got, a tray per person. Job's done.

SPEAKER_03 47:06

Oh, like a tray per meal. Tray per meal. Holy fucking shit, that's amazing. I know. But they don't all take the same amount of time to cook.

SPEAKER_08 47:13

Yeah, I know, but you could make it, you could artificially make it. So, like your sprouts could be like super frozen to like my.

SPEAKER_06 47:21

Oh, so they're like different, yeah, yeah, different layers of insulation.

SPEAKER_03 47:24

Yeah, so it takes longer periods of time to heat up or but there there is no different level of frozen, is it?

SPEAKER_02 47:30

It's either frozen or not. It's not like super frozen.

SPEAKER_03 47:34

Put it in the back of the freezer so it's super freezes, and then it'll take longer than the potatoes to throw out because do you not do that? Super free dipping each individual brussel sprout in nitrogen. I still have East Brussels sprout.

SPEAKER_07 48:00

Oh god. Right, what are we calling that then?

SPEAKER_03 48:04

I think that I I'm willing to go with that.

SPEAKER_08 48:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:06

It's called Wilshaw's Christmas Dinner in a Box now.

SPEAKER_02 48:12

Now down your super frozen aisle. Wilshaw's super frozen dinner in a box. Christmas edition. Love it.

SPEAKER_06 48:26

Hello, I'm Max Digler, and I'm with you in Oh, you need your GoProx or OhProx.

SPEAKER_03 48:33

That's the turned on. I'm gonna do it from a foreign angle. Yes, a Dutch angle.

unknown 48:42

Go.

SPEAKER_05 48:43

Hello, I'm Max Stealer with another product for you, and this time in partnership with my good friend and part-time lover, Mr. Will Shaw. And it is the uh Will Shaw Frozen in a Box Dinner Christmas edition, isn't it? And the idea is you get from us a product, a box of food, and you put it in your oven for every one of your friends. And then you take it and pray to God that it's cut through and it's fucking super frozen. And when they've all got annihilatus shot in the hospital, you can enjoy a nice peaceful Christmas by yourself.

SPEAKER_02 49:37

Fucking nothing.

SPEAKER_09 49:41

I'm done.

SPEAKER_02 49:44

I'm done, I'm done.

SPEAKER_03 49:49

You're gonna have to put like a really super shit TV like effect on the top of that, you know how like the the old scam lines. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 49:58

Oh, I've got uh Chris has got some resources from when he did his audition tips. And some like really awful music. Yeah, yeah. What was the last one? Yeah, the last one. Wrapping paper. Wrapping paper, wrapping paper.

SPEAKER_08 50:08

Wrapping paper's a bitch, innit? Wrapping paper. So yeah, there's there's 101 problems with wrapping paper.

SPEAKER_06 50:18

Er yeah, I mean it's just kind of just restart.

SPEAKER_03 50:24

Yeah, yeah, get a drunk. Little drew So the other day, Drew bought some double-sided wrapping paper. What? And I was like, is that so the parcel is surprised by what's outside?

SPEAKER_02 50:41

What the fuck is the point in that?

SPEAKER_03 50:43

I guess it's though you've got two designs in one roll and you can just Well, yeah, but it's either way you do it, it's a fucking waste, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06 50:51

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. I like the idea of of the surprise, I like the ceremony of wrapping paper, but I have to admit, it's not practical. It the ink it uses, the fact that it's all bleached, the the way it's it's laminated, toll on the environment. Yeah, it's just not worth it, and it's not reusable in any way. Um in my house it is.

SPEAKER_03 51:11

My mum opens every every parcel delicately with like a fucking scalpel, and then she lifts the present out, and that she can deal with the present later, yeah, and then she could can remembers it, and she then she folds up the paper all the while going, Oh, it's nice paper, that's nice. Oh, I'll keep that for next year. Oh, oh, it's nice.

SPEAKER_09 51:32

I'll put oh that's nice.

SPEAKER_03 51:34

That is put that, that'll do for your stocking presentation.

SPEAKER_06 51:38

So, what you end up with is when uh your your mum's inevitably run out of any other wrapping paper, so she partially wraps a larger present.

SPEAKER_03 51:47

No, no one ever sees that wrapping paper ever again. It goes into a fucking port in the back of a cupboard that is never seen again. She's got like some fucking demon in some ritual that she performs every boxing day with piles performed wrapping paper.

SPEAKER_07 52:07

Cthulhu's there, like on Christmas Day, like you might try to fucking sleep in.

SPEAKER_08 52:12

She got to grow up over her head, she goes, oh, Christmas I eight. Well, that was a good one.

SPEAKER_03 52:18

That's when Cthulhu's tendrils came through the bottle because I was busy trying to defrost my super sprouts.

SPEAKER_06 52:30

Oh god. I would love a system where you just basically um had to you had this setup and you just pushed your product through and it came through the other side.

SPEAKER_03 52:41

Well, they've got them for that's how they do Christmas trees. They push them through a thing, yeah. Just load that thing with Christmas paper and load your presentation.

SPEAKER_08 52:51

Oh, that'd be absolutely amazing.

SPEAKER_06 52:52

My favourite way is just a bag with some nice tissue paper. Yeah, just get a button. That's infinitely reusable.

SPEAKER_03 52:58

But when so again, Mum loves those, Drew likes them as well. Girls give each other those all the time. They're like, oh, just get a bottle and put it in a bag. And I'm like, that is the that just says I couldn't be fucking bothered.

SPEAKER_06 53:13

Guilty as charge. Guilty as charge.

SPEAKER_03 53:16

I take a bottle of my own booze out of my drink's cabinet and put it in a bag that someone gave me when I left my last job.

SPEAKER_06 53:25

Scrap check. Congratulations, traitor, or whatever it says.

SPEAKER_08 53:29

Yeah, but no, but yeah, that drunk bottle of uh egg yolks.

SPEAKER_06 53:36

And you're selling it palm it off as a bar of salt.

SPEAKER_08 53:39

Yeah, yeah. It's got some extra delta variant from uh last year. Oh, ooh, spicy.

SPEAKER_06 53:50

It's a it's a good vintage suspiciously tangy. I'm getting seriously ill. Um no, I was gonna say I heard the idea as a potential solution of a pop-up wrapping shop. And I think it might have been uh Drew who told me this idea because she said she considered it as an alternative career, yeah, to being an exemplar, you ex-researcher. Um but she pops up a store, she enjoys wrapping presents, so you come at the stall, she's there, and while you while you wait, she'll wrap your presents. It's lovely, you know. She'll tuck in a little bit of mistletoe and wrap it in string and hand it over to you and charge you probably about 40 quid for the privilege.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Nice.

SPEAKER_06 54:41

Um, sidebar, film me doing my sidebar.

SPEAKER_03 54:46

Sidebar? Paris Hilton used to have two rooms in her house for wrapping presents. Two. Two.

SPEAKER_06 54:56

At what point did it become awkward that she realised she didn't have any friends?

SPEAKER_03 55:02

Actually, I don't think it was Paris Hilton. I think it might have been Tory Spelling. Oh, should we do it again?

SPEAKER_08 55:08

Yeah, that's that sounds more like a Tory Spelling.

SPEAKER_04 55:12

Sounds like a a conservative version of Sesame Street.

SPEAKER_03 55:16

It's it's T-O-R-I. Oh my god. So sidebar, Tory Spelling, famous mid-90s actress, used to have not that famous, two rooms in her mansion for rapping presents.

SPEAKER_06 55:34

Two, two This is why we restrict ourselves to a very bottom.

SPEAKER_02 55:55

The fucking fatigue is setting in now, isn't it? Right, let's wrap it up. Okay, literally.

SPEAKER_03 56:02

Yes, I think the best solution to that is one of those shoots, and then what you do is you get a long, long, long, long tube of lyra printed with a Christmas pattern on it, and then you just wang a present through it, yeah, vacuum, chop it off both ends, twist it like a cracker, done.

SPEAKER_06 56:21

Next family. Um okay. What we calling it?

SPEAKER_08 56:27

What should we call it? Uh the about Nick's tubomatic wrapping paper.

SPEAKER_06 56:33

What about what about the gift hall?

SPEAKER_03 56:38

Oh the the glory hall. Oh glory, glory. What's that? What's the inner hymn that's like no wait we can do it? Glory, glory, Lord above!

SPEAKER_01 56:50

Glory hallelujah!

SPEAKER_03 56:52

No, that's a different thing, isn't it? That's not uh We need a name. The Holy Hole. The rapper. The rapid hole. The hot the hot the hot hole. No, the sweet rap.

SPEAKER_08 57:14

The C rapper.

SPEAKER_04 57:20

The crapper. The pregnant pause as you wait. We knew what it said.

SPEAKER_03 57:28

That's spelling it in there.

SPEAKER_04 57:33

Oh that's rude. Our fireplace is about to go on standby. Right, the uh the fuck.

SPEAKER_02 57:42

The fuck hole.

SPEAKER_03 57:48

That does that after like three hours. Oh yeah, mine does it. But that's how long we've been here. Right, the present.

SPEAKER_08 57:58

Yeah. Well, okay. We need a name for the cube present. Oh, you fucking knowing.

SPEAKER_06 58:05

I am still going for the gift hole.

SPEAKER_08 58:08

I like the gift hole.

SPEAKER_06 58:20

The micro gift hole.

SPEAKER_03 58:30

I can't think my brain's gone to soup. Hello!

SPEAKER_08 58:36

I'm oh here's another episode of uh Inside Nick's brain.

SPEAKER_06 58:44

Hello. I'm Mark Steeler with the imaginatively named gift wrapper.

SPEAKER_05 58:55

We had a warehouse full of weird tree shoot holes, and in all honesty, we we couldn't send them to tip, the council was charging a fucking fortune to pick them up.

SPEAKER_06 59:08

So what we've done is we have for an equal amount of money, got a huge roll of lycra printed double sided that you can carelessly throw fling your your gift through your your vases, your your barbies, your your your what I don't fucking care. And it'll come out the other side with some force and you can twirl it a base and it'll go straight under the tree. And that's Christmas sorted. Come come back, John. I miss I miss you. John, Jonathan, John.

SPEAKER_03 59:57

It was very low energy that was. Oh god. Oh thanks Mark wherever you are. He's dead. He's in a better place now. Bolton. Bolton. Bolton.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:14

No unknown known outside of Bolton. The underworld. Right, well, is that it for Bolton?

SPEAKER_08 1:00:22

I do like kind of like all our sleetions were around lazy fuck.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting it done. I think there's actual legs to that stocking idea. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:32

Minimum involvement idea.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:33

Put intended.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:36

Legs to the stocking idea.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:38

Oh. Sorry, I'm very tired. So thanks for coming to our Minimum Involvement Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sponsored by Mark Steeler of Bolton Arcade Bolton.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:56

In a minute. He hasn't paid us for the last three episodes.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:00

We'll get him on the next one. Yeah, he hasn't been, isn't he? He's been absent. He's been dodging us. Yeah, it's it's got to do with tax avoidance, really. It's I can't relate.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:18

It's not avoidance, it's evasion. Whichever one's the legal one. Uh avoidance. That's the cool one.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:29

So take us home, Mark. Gone. Yes, well, uh, that has been um the Christmas UX uh Faster Horses special. Uh we can The Faster Horses UXMus special.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:42

Oh wonderful.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:43

Yeah, the UXMus special. Uh we can only apologize. Uh we now recommend that you go and heat up a considerable amount of baileys. Um why not? Why not? A nice soup. You don't need to put lentils with it or anything. Um and just you know, drink enough that you forget that this ever happened.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:14

And we'll see you for the Boxing Day episode. Yay! Yeah. Follow us on on the Twitters, uh sign up to Patreon forward slash Fasterhorses UX from only one pound a month. And thank you in advance, and we love you and see you next year.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:34

Yeah, thanks for listening, watching, wherever you are, enjoy.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:40

Or else.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:41

Thanks, guys. Oh, it's been amazing.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:46

Thank you, friends. Merry Merry UXmas. You wouldn't think there were a pandemic, would you?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:51

Oh, I was just thinking. A fucking hatchet job.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:07

That's another episode in the bag. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe on your preferred streaming service and follow us on Twitter at Fasterhorses UX. Catch you in a couple of weeks for another episode, and we'll see you soon.