Today's guest is Jill Sylvester; she is a licensed mental health counselor and author of "Trust Your Intuition." In this week’s episode, Jill teaches us the importance of trusting yourself and listening to your intuition when dating. Jill shows us how to transform anxiety and depression for stronger mental health. It's time to trust our inner navigation system and truly raise the bar to find love.
Jill works with individuals in personal development. In her private practice, she has successfully guided thousands of client sessions toward stronger health, wellness, and transformation. Jill also works with people to deepen their understanding of the language of energy and intuition. She is the host of the podcast "Trust Your Intuition" and the author of 3 books. Jill's passion is helping individuals see past the darkness to find the light. This is such a powerful episode for single people looking to make a shift.
Kerry Brett and Jill Sylvester cover a lot of ground; topics include:
The importance of trusting your intuition.
How to move the energy of feeling stuck.
How to keep yourself buoyant through challenging times.
The power of setting intentions.
Getting clear about what you want and setting boundaries.
How to silence "gremlins" your lower vibration inner voice.
Why positive shifts take discipline and consistency.
Daily practices that set you up for success.
The power of affirmations.
Checking yourself and your part in the chaos.
How anxiety isn't a bad thing, it's a gift.
How to transition into new energies.
Life gets better when you choose to listen to your intuition.
Why emotional awareness is key.
The value of the enough is enough prayer.
For more information about Jill Sylvester, you can find her at www.jillsylvester.com. Listen to her podcast, "Trust Your Intuition," or purchase her books on her website or Amazon.
Today's guest is Jill Sylvester; she is a licensed mental health counselor and author of "Trust Your Intuition." In this week’s episode, Jill teaches us the importance of trusting yourself and listening to your intuition when dating. Jill shows us how to transform anxiety and depression for stronger mental health. It's time to trust our inner navigation system and truly raise the bar to find love.
Jill works with individuals in personal development. In her private practice, she has successfully guided thousands of client sessions toward stronger health, wellness, and transformation. Jill also works with people to deepen their understanding of the language of energy and intuition. She is the host of the podcast "Trust Your Intuition" and the author of 3 books. Jill's passion is helping individuals see past the darkness to find the light. This is such a powerful episode for single people looking to make a shift.
Kerry Brett and Jill Sylvester cover a lot of ground; topics include:
The importance of trusting your intuition.
How to move the energy of feeling stuck.
How to keep yourself buoyant through challenging times.
The power of setting intentions.
Getting clear about what you want and setting boundaries.
How to silence "gremlins" your lower vibration inner voice.
Why positive shifts take discipline and consistency.
Daily practices that set you up for success.
The power of affirmations.
Checking yourself and your part in the chaos.
How anxiety isn't a bad thing, it's a gift.
How to transition into new energies.
Life gets better when you choose to listen to your intuition.
Why emotional awareness is key.
The value of the enough is enough prayer.
For more information about Jill Sylvester, you can find her at www.jillsylvester.com. Listen to her podcast, "Trust Your Intuition," or purchase her books on her website or Amazon.
I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. The first motivational show run online dating today's guest is Jill Sylvester. She is a licensed mental health counselor and the author of trust. Your intuition. Jill will teach us the importance of trusting yourself and listening to your intuition. When dating Jill is also going to show us how to transform anxiety and depression for stronger mental health. It's time to trust our inner navigation system and truly raise the bar to find love. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned.
Speaker 2:[inaudible]
Speaker 1:Jill works with individuals and personal development in her private practice. She has successfully guided thousands of client sessions towards stronger health wellness and transformation. Jill also works with people to deepen their understanding of the language of energy and intuition. She's the host of the podcast. Trust your intuition and the author of three books. Jill's passion is helping individuals see past the darkness to find the light. I think this will be such a powerful episode for single people looking to make a shift. So without further ado, welcome to the podcast gel. Thanks so much for being here.
Speaker 3:I Carrie, thanks for having me. So
Speaker 1:I'm so excited you're here and this is your 24th wedding anniversary. So in the spirit of love,
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, it is serendipitous that you had me on today. So
Speaker 1:Thank you for being here on such a special day. I just finished trust your intuition and I listened to it on audible. And I also bought the book and I also bought land of the blue, um, for my daughter, which I can't wait to read as well. And you said we are living in the land of the blue right now. And so I definitely can't wait to get my hands on that book as well, but can you talk about the inspiration for trust your intuition? And I know this is a self-help book it's based on the tools that have helped you over the years, but what was the driving force in creating this book?
Speaker 3:I wanted to create a book that showcase tools that I've worked with on my own personal development for 30 years and the tools that I've worked with in session for over a decade with clients, um, the book is written in a trajectory format. So it starts with hold on, cause that's how we feel when we're stuck. And, you know, before we're able to even become aware that there could possibly be a shift in our life. It's that place of, I don't know how I'm going to navigate this. You know, I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this. It's always going to be this way. It's a really tough place that we often find ourselves in. So I start with hold on and then we gravitate to practice good self-care and then enter the phase of believing. Cause you have to believe that things are going to change and then trusting your intuition, learning to trust that inner voice and being able to discern what's the voice of the gremlin voice and the voice of your highest self, and then emerging into that space of feeling better. And ultimately that's what happens when you do the work. So I wrote the book in that trajectory format to show people how I've gotten through and started from that place of holding on to arriving in this place and helping others to do the same. That's great.
Speaker 1:When you talk about that place of holding on, I think about my why and the reason why I started this podcast and I truly wish I had your book when I was going through some of my darkest days. And when I was listening to your book, I was like, Oh my God, you're like Tony Robbins or Wayne Dyer. This is incredible stuff. So you should be so proud. Thank you. And I will be spreading the word because if I had this book, I would have just based just simple things. Like when you say, hold on and you talk about anxiety, you just holding onto the edge of your desk or holding onto a pencil, holding onto something because that physical action of holding onto something can help you navigate just for that short time. I thought that was really helpful.
Speaker 3:Thank you. Thank you for saying that. And that's, you know, for people that are in that place right now, it's about giving yourself permission to feel the feels. And to me, that's part of the hell that we go through. It was when you're in that land of blue place and you don't even know you're there. We want to jump to, to just getting out of it as opposed to standing in it and allowing yourself to feel, you know, frightened enough that you can say, wow, I'm really frightened and hold on to a desk or a chair or wherever, you know, anything, anything at all, just standing there and going, wow, I'm so scared, right?
Speaker 1:I know I'm hurting so badly. And the other thing you say is, you know, movement take action. And I didn't know I was actually helping myself because I didn't have your book and I didn't have as much information that I needed, but I knew that if I stayed in bed and felt sorry for myself, that that would keep feeding that energy. And so I would always get up. And one of the things I would do in sounds crazy, but I would wash my floors in my house. So I have hardwood floors and I would just be cleaning up cabinets. I just was always cleaning, but that was pushing the negative, bad energy out. And while I was cleaning, I would listen to a motivational book and then I'd have a little bit of peace because I would get out of my head just temporarily. And I think it's that fighting those feelings of being stuck and not having any hope is, um, huge. And we were talking yesterday and when I spoke to you, we were thinking, you know, you're so nice. And you said, how can I best serve your listeners? And I was thinking about that. And I thought, well, how are single people navigating this time during the pandemic? And people are in different stages either they're stuck in their current relationship and they feel like they can't get anything better. So they have to stay, or maybe they are motivated. They know they can do better, but the process of moving forward is taken a long time to play out. And you know, you had mentioned that some people realize that they need to get back out there, but some feel so hopeless. And that made me sad because I actually think right now is an excellent time to put yourself out there.
Speaker 3:I do too. I do too.
Speaker 1:And so your job to help your clients is to teach people how to keep themselves buoyant. And can you talk about, you know, firing the transmitters, explain your process.
Speaker 3:So I'll do it in the context of what you were just talking about, getting up and moving. And that's why Mel Robbins five, four, three, two, one is so brilliant because you know, when she talks about getting up first thing in the morning and you know, moving to get to a better space and what you getting up and doing the cleaning, what happens is, is when you are conscious now of what you're doing, because if we just jump and we move and we do all these things now, sometimes that can be denial, right? So, so people have to catch themselves to be clear on what it is they're doing in their why. So for example, if you get up with no intention of what you're doing, sometimes that's driving, it's pushing the feelings away and not being conscious of it. So that's what I mean by feeling that feels allowing yourself to say, wow, I feel really anxious. Okay, I'm getting up and I'm moving. And when you do that, now, you're saying I'm aware of what I'm feeling. I'm feeling it. And I'm not going to stay in this bed. I'm going to five, four, three, two, one, it kind of thing. And I'm going to get up and do something. Now that's power, right? Because what you're saying is I am not choosing to engage in what these gremlins are going to tell me if I'm laying in my bed and I'm going to allow them to just take me over. Right. And so that's the difference between living with power and staying buoyant than just allowing every external thing to just blow you like a leaf in the wind, right? That's, that's the difference.
Speaker 1:So the Mel Robbins book, I guess your mind, that's why she has a five second rule because within five, if, if you go any longer than five seconds, the gremlins will win. Your mind will take over. And so even though I've, I felt like everyone felt when I had to join Tinder at 43, you feel not great about yourself. You feel like you just, I was in my, my case and a lot of people's cases, I was just newly out of a failed relationship. And it's hard not to take that on. And, but for me, even though I had doubts about online dating and no one even knew what Tinder was about when I was on on it, but I felt like, well, Hey, at least I'll have a clean house when I meet somebody arrives, you know? So it was kinda, let's get that refrigerator stock, you know, it's just the act of it's gonna come law of attraction, even though I didn't feel it, but at least I had my ducks in a row because I had a clean house. So I think, you know, just, just keep get moving. And, and that is a great book. The Mel Robbins book, I listened to that as well. And I got a lot out of that. As a therapist, you have seen thousands of clients through the years, and you've seen a lot of dating success stories, but like anything else, you've seen a lot of horror stories too, but you mentioned that it's so important to be hopeful. And the other thing that you, that you write about in your book is being truly grounded in intention. Can you talk about the importance of setting up intention?
Speaker 3:So one of the first exercises I give to people who are going back on the dating scene, or they're stuck at the beginning of getting back out there is to make a list of all the things that you want in a person. And, you know, really be clear on what it is you're looking for and just have everything written out on paper so that you can see it and have it staring you in the face. And then to also go back to every serious relationship that you've had and write down the things that you learned both good and bad from the people that you've spent time with and trust that there is a soul contract there that we have with everybody that helps us on the journey of personal growth and development. And when you can look at it from, you know, through that lens, so to speak, you're able to see what each person gave you. Like I'm no longer willing to stand for X, Y, Z, right? I forgive myself for putting up with that for XYZ months or years, you know, and really being able to look objectively at what each person gave you, what you want, and then try to put them all together because that's how we become whole, it's not denying what happened. It's not completely rejecting what happened, but saying, wow, like I was at a place in my life where I didn't think I deserved better or how, you know, how sad is that, that I was in that place, that I just allow that to happen over and over again. Um, and didn't think I was worth more. So now what I'm looking for in a person is, you know, and you've raised the bar for yourself. And so now you kind of put everything together and say, based on what I don't want, because that's how life is, it's the contrast. You know, what, what we want is from what we don't want. That's, that's how we learn. So when you put it all together and you can stand in that forgiving place, both of the people that have hurt you and how you've hurt yourself, because you are conscious or sometimes unconscious participant and, you know, in the relationship, that's when you can move forward with more power to bring to you what you want to have.
Speaker 1:Right. What I hear from single people is this investment of time and the frustration of the investment of time of things that aren't working out. And you can't know what you want. You can't, you know, put those things on the list. If you don't know what you don't want. I remember when I first went online, I met someone who was wonderful and I wasn't ready, but the universe had to show me that there are wonderful people out there. And then when, you know, maybe like a year later, when I was fully ready, the universe brought forth another wonderful person. And that ended up being my boyfriend today. And so if something doesn't work out and you have these experiences, you still learn something. And, um, my friend Amy Novelli, she started a company called love Amy, and she's been on, um, a few episodes and she went on all these coffee and juice dates back to back every day. And every day she set the intention. And this was something I learned from her that I thought was very valuable. She set the intention that no matter what, however, that date went short, long, fabulous, not so great that she was going to take something away and learn something of importance from someone else. Perfect. Yeah. And I think that, that, um, that's a good way to frame this time in your life, because otherwise it's easy to go down that rabbit hole and feel pretty negative. If things aren't working out,
Speaker 3:It also keeps you in motion. And so when you're moving, you know, the universe likes action. So if you're keeping yourself in motion, there's going to be motion back to you. You know, too often we sit and we say, well, nothing's coming on the horizon. Or people will say, you know that no, one's out there. Well, it's like, well, what are you doing to put yourself out there? Are you blaming it on the pandemic that you can't go out and meet people? Cause you certainly can. Right? It's just your choice of how you're going to create the life you want to have. But it's not out here. It's in here. Right?
Speaker 1:And so for me, one swipe and one day at a time, I was putting myself in the shower, jumping in an Uber, forcing myself day by day to move forward and taking that action. And was it easy for me? No, it's not easy for anyone. And it wasn't any easier for me. I didn't have this magic pill. I just was willing to, I didn't want to be alone. And I was willing to do the work. And you talk about making these shifts in life and your book. And in order to make a shift, it takes consistency and discipline like anything you want. And we both taught, we both have podcasts. So we're saying you have to put the time in. We have to earn our podcasting badges, so to speak and nothing in life falls out of the sky. So you apply certain tools and are consistent in your care and you believe that good health is everything. And that life truly changes for the better. When you do the work, can you give me some examples of the things that you do in your daily practice that set you up for success?
Speaker 3:I live the book. You do. I live the book every day I get up and I hit the ground running with exercise and meditation and good foods. Does that mean that I'm living a perfect life, a hundred percent eating, clean, doing the right? No, not at all. But I like to say, you know, 90%, I'm going for 95 at this point, you know, but just doing the best you can. Every single day on that physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level, which means I'm feeding myself and all those areas so that I can feed other people. And that's, you, you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family, your friends, your pets, your, your, you know, your colleagues, your work, you, you, you have to right.
Speaker 1:I have to, well, one thing I have not adapted and you talk about it in your book is meditation. And I don't know why that is, but your book definitely got me thinking. And I love how you say that all of your clients, all of the suggestions that you've made to people when they do adapt it, you've never had someone come back to you and say that it didn't work. So I, the first thing I did this morning, as I looked at, I woke up and I got on Instagram. And I like how you say in the book that you can't check into your phone, first thing in the morning, if you can't even check in with yourself. And that's when I thought, okay, sitting there and visualizing and planning your day really sets the tone for the day and how you don't allow negative thoughts to start your day. And then you talk about the power of affirmations. And I haven't really, I mean, I've always been someone who loves affirmations. Why is it so important for success
Speaker 3:When you're talking to yourself in a positive way, you don't have room for the negative. So that's why I like it. You can't hold a negative and a positive thought at the same time, it's physiologically impossible. So just a quick example, if I'm running late, you know, back in the day when we were running to our office and you know, all of that, um, if I'm running late, I get to the point now where I just go, I'm on time. And I just say it calmly. I say it gracefully. And then I relax into the driver's seat. I put on music. I like, I've just relaxed. And I'm telling you, it's amazing. How nine out of 10 times you will get there on time. You just set the vibe you want to create for yourself because otherwise you're going to, Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm late. I think it'd be so mad. And we just, we just run fast. And we, that, that's how we run red lights. That's how we get in accidents. That's how we, that's how we live. Been there, done that, all set. You know, you definitely,
Speaker 1:I love the book because you're, you're ready for whatever life throws at you. You definitely have this like closer energy, um, which I, I love. And I know for myself, when I would have to shoot covers and there'd be really intense in a short period of time and all the advertising would be, you know, banked on this image. It was a lot of pressure for me, but I, and I don't know when I started doing this, but what I would do was I brewed prepare for the cover, but then I would also visualize myself in that moment and how that cover would go and that it would just be like the most amazing experience. And then it would always come out the way it was supposed to, and by holding that and running it through my head, it always worked out just fine. Yeah. And so, as we talk about that, I feel like I need to start doing that instead of checking in on Instagram, kind of really visualizing how my day is going to go.
Speaker 3:Yeah. They think about energetically, what you're doing when you get on Instagram. It's not that Instagram is the problem. It's just the priority. So, you know, think about what you're putting out to the universe. When you go first to your phone, you're saying like, what's out there is more important than what's in here. So if you just delay that five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes an hour, you're going to go on Instagram with so much more intention and so much more power because you're saying I got to feed myself first. I have to plug in spiritually, whatever way that works for you, if it's exercise or, you know, whatever, everybody has their own morning routine. So if you do that first, you're saying I'm the creator of my life. And when I give myself what I need, I can better give to other people. Right.
Speaker 1:And I think people who are jumping on Tinder or any dating app Bumble, and any of them, I think that's a good way. Like I'm hopeful and optimistic and open to meeting someone. Great. And when you do get asked out on that date, you know, run that scenario, the state's going to go great. I'm going to get there on time. I'm going to find a parking spot. And
Speaker 3:They like me. Right. You know, that's, that's what you're, you're saying, why wouldn't they like me if they don't like you, they're not your person. So thank them for the opportunity for you to get clear and who it is that you want to become and who it is that you are like, when you had said earlier, you said, you know, I wasn't ready for that wonderful person yet. But the fact that that person presented themselves to you at that time was your light shining, brighter. You weren't fully ready to own it yet. Right. But what you were putting out is what was coming back to you. So those are the green lights of yeah. You know, what's, you're worthy of, you know, right.
Speaker 1:And also it was like, if I was willing to jump in the Tinder ring and then arena of life, then someone great was going to show up eventually. Yeah. I mean, it may be the first date. It could be six months in, but I was demanding that of the universe. Absolutely taking that action. And in your book, you hammer home how important discipline is, if you want your blueprint to change. And so how do you change something that's not working? You have to show up and little steps, get things done. And I like, and I'm taking this all from your book. This isn't me. I think this is great for people. This is great advice for people who are thinking about joining online dating, and you said, put it on the calendar and follow through. And the other thing that you say is what is the next best step you have control over? Can you give me some advice? What would advice be if I was single and I came to you for therapy for a therapy session, would it be put it on the calendar? Like what was, so my advice be for a single person who was a little stuck, a little afraid of getting online. So
Speaker 3:I would say, you know, if the intention is to meet somebody, then you know, you want to flex the muscle of your own self-esteem and focusing on all the things you like about yourself. So I'd have them list 25 things that they like about themselves. Get really clear on it and start to put that energy out there. So saying affirmations, feeling a little stronger and what it is that they're able to own about themselves. That's positive. And then go on a coffee date, put yourself out there, do exactly the opposite of what the gremlins are telling you to do, which is stay in bed, stay home. You know that the world is unfair. Nobody's out there. It's not a good time and push past that limiting belief so that you create something different for yourself. It'll be awkward at first, it'll be uncomfortable at first, every transition, every shift is, but once you get past that, you blow through that wall that holds you back and you start to see an entirely different landscape, right?
Speaker 1:And so you talk about flexing the muscle and it's like going to the gym, you know, you're just not going to automatically be great at dating. When you first start, I went on a lot of dates and every date, every, each and every day that I went on, I became more confident. And I think so we were talking yesterday and I have this episode called the million reasons. And in that episode, I talk about the storylines that people create around online dating. And this belief system is, is very real. And I said to you yesterday, I think people hold on to these storylines as a form of protection. And you said, and this is the part that you talk about being a part of the chaos in your book. And you said, no, and it's an excuse. So that's the therapist and you calling people on where you have to call them, I suppose. Right?
Speaker 3:Yeah. You have to get real as to what your part is. Everything is a mirror. If you don't like what's going on outside of you, it is a mirror to yourself. So, you know, you can stand there and blame and point fingers or whatever, but really it's an opportunity that's being given to you to check yourself and where you're playing part in that chaos, in where you know, what you see in the mirror, where is that left in you? That might be unchecked. It's an opportunity. Take the time, journal it, talk about it, own that part of you. Once you do it, you'll see results. You absolutely will. Right?
Speaker 1:So why is it that we do this? It's like, I'm not good looking enough. Or, you know, they might not like me, or I need to lose weight, whatever people say, and this is your lower self tactic, because your higher self would never speak to you that way. And so you talk a lot about the gremlins and how they speak to you and the gremlins do hold you back from success. But I like how you're like quiet down, like five times zip. It that's an important piece in your therapy. Wouldn't you say? Yeah.
Speaker 3:A huge part. It's a huge part. And, and it's, it's the conundrum for all of us. It's navigating that lower self voice. You know, I call the gremlins the voice of the ego, the one that wants you to stay right, where you are in the life that you have now without any form of expansion or opportunity, and then your highest self, which knows how radiant and amazing it can be. And I'm not talking about sunshine and roses and perfection or walking around, you know, like your, all that. I'm talking about a quiet, authentic power that knows that it's better than this. And when you believe that it's better than this, you emit a totally different frequency. That brings totally different things to you.
Speaker 1:I agree, Jill, this is all excellent. We're going to take a short break. But when we come back, we'll be discussing what suffering teaches us, because none of us escape challenges, how anxiety, isn't a bad thing. It's a gift. And using our intuition to transition into new
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Speaker 1:Back with Jill Sylvester therapist and author of the book and amazing podcast. Trust your intuition, Jill, most of us and collectively the world is going through a significant transformation. You mentioned in trust your intuition, that life gets better when you choose to listen to your intuition, how did you have this awakening to your intuition?
Speaker 3:Um, well, I've always been an intuitive person. I was always into my dreams. You know, when I was a young girl high school, that was always a thing for, and then I'd have to say really the breakthrough, you know, kind of blow up time was when I was pregnant with my first child and my intuition just went through the roof. So it became really my North star. I knew it, everything that had to do with anything, um, was going to be about my intuition, no matter what career I went back to, no matter what I, you know, just how I lived my life. It was just, it was just that big of a deal for me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to talk about intuition and dating because I wish this is where I wish I had your book because a lot of things didn't feel right. Or I had this inner knowing that this person was a time-waster or looking for an ego stroke or unsure of what they wanted, but I would call up my girlfriends and start taking polls on recent text messages and continuing this storyline of something that my intuition was telling me this isn't what's meant to be for you. And so often people do that. And when I met my boyfriend, I knew, regardless that I was his most precious commodity, you know, really from the beginning and
Speaker 3:He still to this day,
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know my value and where we stand in our relationship. And that's a big thing is that people don't listen to their intuition and it's like, all right, I'm going to go out with this person, you know, three, four, five more times, but there's something off. And what would your advice be for intuition dating? I'm sure you hear a lot of stories from people that come to you for help. I can just imagine a single person being like, all right, I have some questions. I have some red flags and you listening to that person, intuitively would you just be like, don't give this person so much time, shut it down, because go silent people. Don't men don't respond to any games that you think you can play. And so for me, if you're not getting what you need, I always say fire up your transmitters, like to use your word, you bring your energy back to yourself. Don't give that energy to that person and just put them on ice and go silent and focus on yourself.
Speaker 3:I think, you know, it's easy, easier said than done, right? It's, it's easy to say. It would be easy to say as a therapist, as an objective person, who's not living that person's life. Oh my God. Shut that down. That's such a red flag, but we've all been there. And we all blow through the red flags and we don't care. And we just keep going. And we each have our own hero's journey. You know, the version of the hero's journey. So as a therapist, I would be doing a, to a person if I didn't point out the red flag, but I think what's the most important thing in that type of conversation is to notice the red flag and then allow the person to choose when and how you know, they want to deal with it because it will come up again. That's why it's a red flag. It's a dress rehearsal. I like to do dress rehearsals with people, metaphorically to say, okay. So if we go in this direction, let's play it out. What might this look like? And sometimes to feel it, and sometimes our dreams will show us that too. They give us dress rehearsals. That's why we wake up in cold sweats, freaking out because the universe is saying, Hmm, if you go in that direction, here's what it might look like now, what are you going to do with that? And then it's holding the space for a person to be able to, you know, decide their time version. Is it going to be now? Is it going to be six months from now? What does that red flag mean to them? Why aren't they willing to walk away from that red or yellow flag? What's what's that all about? I think that's the more pressing question. And then again, back to the soul contract, this person is showing up in your life for a reason. It's not meant to torture you. It's meant for you to get to the point where you feel powerful enough to say, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to say bye-bye right. You know, that's, that's what it comes down to. But everybody has their, their timeframe and not to beat yourself up over it. But once you recognize what you're bringing to it and why that's when you can feel much more secure in yourself without needing anybody else to tell you it's yourself going, Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no. We're not doing that again. Right.
Speaker 1:And so busy when people say, uh, I'm sorry, I got really busy. I always say busy is. Agreed. It's just, people are so nice. And they're like, I get it. It's a pandemic, super busy. We're all busy, everybody's busy. And so when someone isn't showing up for you in the way that they need, like you said, it's like, bye-bye, I'm not doing this again. And I think it's great that you have these tools to become stronger. And one of the techniques that you have when running through these thoughts or anxiety is that, and then what game? And you're teaching people to face the fear, head on and keep moving forward. So can you talk about that? And then what game?
Speaker 3:So let's take it back to the one that you just talked about when someone says, well, um, you know, they didn't have, I get it. We're all busy kind of thing. Right? So, so think about that. If you keep saying I get it, I get it. You know, then what happens then? What happens when you keep saying, Oh, I understand why you're late, or I understand why you don't call for two weeks. Oh my God, I'll be here for you in a month. If you don't call then what, then what, you know, just keep running it through till you get to that place where you're dog tired and you're just completely drained. And you've got this energy vampire in your life who just keeps, you know, taking advantage of you and you just keep willingly along with the process. So that's what I mean about checking yourself and being able to just look at yourself of why you're allowing yourself to be in that position. And you know, it's also about not thinking there's something wrong with you. If someone isn't calling you, sometimes it's an opportunity for you to develop better boundaries for you to see what's right with yourself, of how you have an opportunity to say, no, you don't fit my model of what I want. Like too often, we run to those gremlin thoughts in our head that say, there's something wrong with me. I must not be pretty enough. I must not be fit enough. I must not be smart enough or whatever it is, that's in our head as opposed to going, this is an opportunity. What am I, what's the strong part of me that I'm going to bring to it, right? We default right to the negative.
Speaker 1:Right? And so, you know, we talk about being nice. Like I get it and everyone's busy and there's a pandemic. Well, how about being nice to yourself first? Because this person who's taking an inch, you know, taking little by little, pushing the boundaries and taking from you. That's not giving to yourself,
Speaker 3:We're teaching people how to treat us. That's, that's what you're doing, right? That's what you're doing. You're teaching somebody how to treat you. If you say, you'll be there for them at 2:00 AM versus two in the afternoon, then you can expect that to happen again. You know, it's, it's, you have to decide what you want. If that's what works for you. And that's how you want to create your life, then have added it's your life to create. But if it's not what you want, then you got to define that for yourself and then, you know, stick to it in the best way that you can. And look at it as an opportunity. Not that you're not worth something, if someone doesn't like you, but more of what you know, what's right with you, right?
Speaker 1:And when you change the game on people and I've helped a lot of people do this. And I think one of the most valuable things that I can share with someone dating is create boundaries because otherwise, so many people will easily affect you and how you feel about yourself, unless you really stand in your power. And in your book, you talk about how you visually put strength and protection around people that you care about. I feel like you should put it around yourself as well. Um, but I like that. The other thing you talk about, so people definitely, if things don't work out, then people reframe it and put it on them back on themselves and say, there's something wrong with me. And Hey, I did it myself. And I think there's moments that you get really down and you really want to throw the towel in. And one of the things that you have as a tool in your book is that enough is enough prayer. And I think that's a good given the state the times right now, I think we
Speaker 3:Should talk about this. Yeah. Saying enough is enough is about deciding in your life, where to draw the line in the sand and to decide that you no longer willing to live the life you've been willing no longer willing to, uh, you know, succumb to the voice in your head that tells you over and over what you're not no longer willing to live someone else's life. It's about stopping and saying, I'm going to walk through a new door starting today and what that looks like. I have no idea. And that's often what scares the bejesus out of us the most and deciding that you just, you just going to step into it and just allow life to unfold. Because oftentimes I've learned this in my own life, that by letting go and just allowing the universe to take you in the direction that is best for you, it's an even greater life than you could have possibly imagined for yourself.
Speaker 1:I liked that we had talked about, um, about that, like holding onto the energy too tightly, when you just kind of let it go and just know that things are going to unfold the way that they should, that things work out a lot easier. Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. The one other thing that you said in your book, and you can tell that I'm a super fan of your book is that you can have a negative and positive thought at the same time. And so one of the things you can do is find five things that you feel grateful for, and it can be really small. It doesn't have to be something major. And so this again is like the small steps, the discipline, the actions, the movement to supporting your mental health.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. Research shows that, uh, kids and adults who are, you know, who go to bed listing three to five things that they're grateful for have less anxiety and depression. And so why wouldn't we do that? Especially, you know, in the times right now that we live in. So stating every night, whether you write it in your journal, or you say it aloud to your family, I'm a fan of, you know, as a parent to teach the kids how to do that every single night, um, it's just becomes a ritual. And when you do that, what happens is consciously you're scanning the environment, the following day for things that you are grateful for. So whether it's fresh sheet night or, you know, the, the way your, uh, significant other cooks that perfect sauce, you know, um, someone just smiling at you, you know, went on a walk during the day, little things, little, little, this beautiful studio, you know, just, just, just sitting here right now and just, just collaborating with like-minded souls. Like it doesn't get better than that. So things like that.
Speaker 1:It's so nice. So it is so true. You just have to appreciate the small wins, any good, bright part of your day. And, uh, undoubtedly, this year we have had our share of dark times, but there's been so many moments of light. And to me, Jill, you are a glimmer of hope and better days on the horizon. Thank you so much for uplifting us today, sharing with all of us, your positive insight, where can people find you follow you, listen to your podcast, purchase your book.
Speaker 3:Uh, so my website is Jill sylvester.com, where you can sign up for my weekly blog with tips like we've been talking about today. Uh, you mentioned my podcast, trust your intuition on Spotify, Apple, all the major channels there. Let's see what else. My books on Amazon and on my website. And, uh, yeah, it's uh, I, I appreciate you having me here today.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Every day, you can find something to be grateful for. And today I am very grateful to you, Joseph Esther, thanks so much and come back real soon. Thank
Speaker 2:You.
Speaker 1:And for now this week's Tinder tips in honor of today's guest, Jill Sylvester. These tips come directly from her book. Trust your intuition. Number one, be clear about your why. Once you become clear about your, why the universe begins to work in your favor. Number two, gain perspective and check in with yourself. If things become too much for you, turn it over to them. Enough is enough prayer. Number three, make a list of 10 to 20 affirmations every day. You want to work in a positive way in your life. Number four, when you've laid the foundation for your day, you lay the foundation for your life. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you liked this show, please write a five star review. I'm Carrie, Brett, and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:[inaudible].