Crimes Of The Heart With Author Of "Capable", State Police Captain Buddy Saccardo

In this week's episode, retired State Police Captain Buddy Saccardo talks about crimes of the heart, how to avoid heartbreak, and how to play it safe while dating online. First dates can be scary for multiple reasons, but there are plenty of ways and precautions to take to protect ourselves. Today's guest is the author of the new book "Capable" by former Massachusetts State Police Captain Buddy Saccardo. He shares what he's learned as a trooper and how we can put a safety system in place so we can stop worrying and start having some fun.

Buddy Saccardo has  served on the State Police, on the MBTA Police Department, and even did security for the Boston Red Sox for eight years. We discuss his career, safety, and the motivation behind his upcoming book Capable.

Captain Buddy Saccardo and Kerry Brett address concerns women have around online. I ask Buddy for his advice on safety protocols and what measures to take when dating. Topics include:

Why people don't listen to their gut and ignore red flags.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Always tell someone that you are going on a date.
Being safe isn't being overly cautious.
Use the rule of opposites, favorable vs. unfavorable.
Why people generalize.  
How to size people up.
How to gather information from people's gestures, understand non-verbal cues, and use basic common sense.
The key to understanding the meaning of non-verbal cues. Gestures are valid.
The importance of taking necessary precautions.
Know your surroundings and pay attention when you go out.
If you feel like something is off and feel fear, forget about being polite.
Rejection brings hostility. Don't fear the one sending threatening texts; all they are just words
The most common crime is not believing in yourself or thinking you're not worthy of love because you are.
Don't let the fear of the unknown or anxiety in general rule your decisions around dating.
Being afraid will rob you of all of the amazing opportunities.

Buddy Saccardo's advice on how to be quick on your feet – buy a pair of sneakers. 

Follow the Capable podcast on all platforms where podcasts are found, and stay tuned for the new book Capable's upcoming release.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. In this week's episode, we will be discussing crimes of the heart, how to avoid heartbreak and how to play it safe while dating online. First dates can be scary for multiple reasons, but there are plenty of ways and precautions to take to protect ourselves. Today's guest is the author of the new book capable. And in former Massachusetts state police, captain, buddy Ricardo, he's going to share with us what he's learned as the true Brooke and how we can put a safety system in place that we can stop worrying and start having some fun. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned. Buddy's Ricardo is a retired state police captain. He served on the state police on the MBTA police department, and even did security for the Boston red Sox. For eight years, we'll be talking about his career safety and the motivation behind his upcoming book capable. Welcome, buddy. Thanks so much for being here.

Speaker 2: 1:02

Well, it's great to be here on a beautiful day in downtown Hingham.

Speaker 1: 1:07

Spirit of love. I have to mention that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you fun fact, buddy introduced my parents to each other. My mom used to work at the state house where you had irregular detail and my dad would drop by to visit you because you both grew up together and your wife, Maryanne and yourself, or my sister errands guys, parents, and my dad is your daughter. Lisa's godfather. Please note that I've known buddy my whole life and for my listeners around the world, I trust his advice explicitly

Speaker 2: 1:38

Coming from dochester could become very incestuous with the relationships. I think if father was coming in near the check, your future mother,

Speaker 1: 1:50

They we're going to address concerns. Women have about online dating. And before I ask for your advice on safety protocols and what measures we should take before we jump into this line of questioning, buddy, can I get you some water or a cup of coffee,

Speaker 2: 2:09

Some water right here. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Okay. Well that's what they do in the movies. You know, they sit you down with a cup of coffee. I have to ask, are you wearing a wire?

Speaker 2: 2:18

No, I have no wires on me anymore. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 2:24

What about the winter Hill gang? I've got a lot of angry Xs out there, so,

Speaker 2: 2:29

No, I don't have any excess out through the Pacific build. Some people are going to be angry after this book comes out. All right. So

Speaker 1: 2:39

Buddy, can you tell the listeners a little bit about your background and what your driving forces for your upcoming book capable? Was this a labor of love?

Speaker 2: 2:48

Um, in actuality, I started reading, watching all about, uh, the winter Hill gang and I had experienced a lot of them going back to 1970, 74. And I started noticing these women that were murdered by, uh, the winter Hill gang and so-called mafia in Boston. And there was very light reporting. So I started doing research, uh, and delved into some interesting cases. Most of them unsolved, uh, involving women that were killed in, particularly in Johnny Marano, who went himself, has admitted and confessed to 20 murders himself as a result of Kevin, a plea agreement back in 1998. And he walks the street today, Fairmont concerned, you know, he's a threat, he's still a threat. And I think there were some murders out there that are still unsolved, not necessarily regarding him, but they're out there.

Speaker 1: 3:38

Well, I think it's a really honorable thing. What you're doing that karmically. You're trying to give some peace to the families and right. The wrongs of the past.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Yes, I'd say so. Uh, there were so many books and reports out there about the so-called bad guys, such as, uh, Jimmy bulgier and there's a criminal associate. Steve Flemmi as well. And in doc in the document, it hit me for the mod named Johnny Murano all while. So a known so-called organized crime mops is affiliated with the lead and Jared leader of the Boston, Moffitt, Jerry, and Juul, but it was less documented where those innocent women who were killed because they knew too much about their killers. The mentioned gangsters killed over 40 innocent men and women are more through the years, beginning of the 1962, right up until and into the eighties, I would, gender wise guide does not want to leave a legacy or reputation of killing women, especially women they may be involved with in a romantic relationship. John Martorano was the most proficient at his homicidal tendencies as a result of a plea agreement. As I mentioned, 1998 with the United States attorney's office in Boston, he, he confessed to those 20 murders and he was directly involved in at least one bird of a black female and indirectly involved in two other numbers of local Boston women,

Speaker 1: 4:50

Listen to your podcast capable, which I forgot to mention intro that you also have this new podcast and I can't get over your mind. And the details that you remember, it's like, it's like a steel trap up there. It's, it's fascinating. But I guess when you're in this line of work and you know, you have every detail you have to focus on because if you don't, you can be killed. I mean, so you literally go to work faced with danger. And that's why I thought this would be a wonderful podcast that we could discuss fear, being smart, using your head and, and what, what we should do to date safely. So you learn to be calm and collected during these high times of stress. Do you think this is something you were born with or did these skills come with all the training on the job?

Speaker 2: 5:45

Uh, I believe it was innate, uh, with regards to that and my training in the military, in the Marine Corps and my state police training, uh, certainly helped with trying to deal with the stress level with doing the job as a state trooper. We all go through that. Uh, when I say we've troopers, former troopers, and, um, it's a daily occurrence. You don't know you're going to wake up in the morning. You're going to get home that night.

Speaker 1: 6:08

I want to talk about fear and I want to dismantle the fear around online dating, but when someone feels fear or, you know, you you're, you're somewhere and you've become fearful. Would your advice be to listen to your gut, forget about being polite and just get out of there.

Speaker 2: 6:28

And yeah. Um, every situation is different. If you're talking about females, uh, the dating scene listened to, uh, my gut and be aware of your surroundings, who you're with. I'm always skeptical everybody. I don't care who they are, I guess maybe because of the police training, I'm always watching, uh, for something to go wrong. And primarily when I go to a place at a restaurant or a bar, I always sit with my back to the, to the wall just in case you might think it's crazy, but, uh,

Speaker 1: 6:57

No I've watched you in action where I remember I was doing a shoot and I went to find you at the, um, jet blue park and you were on detail, but you wouldn't know it because you're in plain clothes and you had your back up against the wall, the cement wall. And I was like, buddy, listen to, I, I think I shot, uh, uh, Elsberry I think I just had photographs, Jacobi elsewhere, and I was all excited and I was done for the day. And you were listening to me, but you were staring straight ahead. And I kept saying, and in you, you didn't really answer me. You were kind of like, I dunno why you don't stay with me and Marianne down here. And, um, and I said, no, we're heading to Miami tomorrow or whatever. And I keep telling them about the shoot. And then all of a sudden you were gone. And then I watched you literally take four guys down to the ground and drag someone out by his neck and two seconds flat. And I was like, what just happened? But like, you are, you went so fast, you knew an altercation was going to happen. And all of a sudden these grown men are just sprawled out all over the place. Like I just was like, okay, well, that's funny. And that's how you that's, that's who you are. I mean, you, you do have your eyes on, on the environment where you are.

Speaker 2: 8:16

That was just the ballplayers. Just, it was just to see what I do with the fans.

Speaker 1: 8:20

No, those are the fans. So let's talk about red flags. People tend to ignore red flags. And why is that? I was the master of making excuses for red flags until I learned, and now I have a PhD in narcissism. And, but I feel like people pry on nice people and it's more normal than not to turn a blind eye. When we spot the signs, when that little buzzer goes off in our head, we make excuses. How did you use red or people ignoring red flags in your police work?

Speaker 2: 9:00

Well, as I say, I was very skeptical people that came in contact with including other police offices until I got to know them a little bit better. And, um, you know, we did when you're in uniform, it's a lot different when you're dealing with the public, but you have to be very careful when you're approaching the car and you don't know what's going on. And there were some very good troopers who have lost their lives. And even though they were very official and very, uh, uh, efficient in the way they handle the motorist, because you're out there all by yourself, dealing with implant clothes a little bit different because I was always more or less trying to do things undercover. So I was more trying to be aware of my surroundings with regard, who's going to come over and challenge me while I was doing the surveillance. Right. I wasn't worried about the guy who was availing because most of the is they're there they're like a clock they're right on time.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Wow. Interesting. So the chief of police for Hingham, actually I bought the house across the street from him, and this is where I he's passed he's, um, rest in peace. He was wonderful. And I didn't know, I bought the house across the street from the chief of police in Hingham. I just wanted the house in the studio. And so we move in and we had friends helping, and someone had a bottle of wine and we didn't know where anything like a bottle, like a wine opener was. So I run across the street just totally innocently knock on the police police, chief store. And I'm like, do you have a wine

Speaker 3: 10:23

Bottle opener that combined? And he

Speaker 1: 10:25

Was like, hi, Carrie Brett. I pulled her over on Gardner street when you were 17 years old. And I was

Speaker 3: 10:30

Like, what? And it was just really

Speaker 1: 10:33

Kind of funny that it, it struck me, but what he did cause I had a brand new baby and I would have the baby monitor and I would work so much to pay for this place. So I was working like, you know, six in the morning until 11 o'clock at night. And he would watch me like he, I had this wonderful protector and I have, um, there's a single, there was a single woman on either side of me. And he watched all three of our, our, our properties. And I just always thought that was so sweet that he was always looking out. And I would imagine, you know, when you're off the clock, that's still doesn't change. It's just who you are. No,

Speaker 2: 11:12

It doesn't. It did to get the opener.

Speaker 3: 11:17

He had one C for a drink. It was just the,

Speaker 1: 11:22

I mean, I was so young and I, I mean, I had a brand new baby that wasn't, you know, I didn't even think, but it was kind of a funny story. So I want to talk about my tip-offs, um, and you can weigh in if you want. And so this is my advice for dating because I know a lot of people have fear. And when I was on Tinder people like, are you crazy? And people just didn't know much about it, but I believed fundamentally people are good. And that there's just a few bad apples in the bunch that give online dating and bad name. So these are some of my tips always tell someone, at least one person, when you go on a date, let a friend or family member know where you're going and when you expect to get home. And so all you have to do is send a simple text back that you're home, safe and sound. And I've heard people going to the extent of taking screenshots of the person that they're going out with and sending it to their friends so that they have a detailed description of what the person looks like. I guess you call the surveillance. Do you want to weigh in, do you think, do you have any suggestions or do you think this is just being overly cautious?

Speaker 2: 12:31

I don't think you can ever be overly cautious can be overly paranoid, tough for a guy my age and who has four children, two daughters and granddaughters. And I'm always worried about them. And I didn't worry about my, my kids, all of them when they went out and hopefully they come back safely. Unfortunately, one didn't, I lost a son, uh, 23 years ago to a car accident and, uh, uh, that lives with you forever. And it's, uh, uh, you know, it gets a little better every day, but so, you know, for you gals out there that are interested in online dating, remember your mother and fathers don't make them any worse, more nervous than they need to really be. Right.

Speaker 1: 13:12

And so this show is about living in the present moment and being grateful for every day and every opportunity. And, um, you know, life goes by this, this pandemic is showing us too.

Speaker 2: 13:26

Yeah. And what I was really trying to get at earlier is people, you know, you got closure, there's no closure. There never is. Especially when you use or lose a child or a lump.

Speaker 1: 13:35

Right. Well, Mark lived every single day. Like it was his last, you know, he really did. And um, some people can pack a incredible life in a short time and he was one of those people

Speaker 2: 13:49

And,

Speaker 1: 13:50

Um, all the wonderful things that you did as a father, um, that doesn't go on scene for sure.

Speaker 2: 13:56

Okay. So

Speaker 1: 13:58

I want to talk about another tip. Um, my friend did this one time. She, her friend was in Florida on a date and she had her find my friend app. And she was like, Oh, there she is. She's over here. And now she's at this place. And I thought it was so amazing. I didn't, I didn't even know that app. I don't even use it, but there is a find my friends app that you can turn on so that your friends know where you are when you're out dating. And now with the pandemic people, aren't going to bars. Um, they're going on walk and talk dates, they're meeting and you know, daylight at a park. Um, but you know, you don't even have GPS on your phone, buddy. You have a flip phone, so no one can find you

Speaker 2: 14:38

Now, especially the FBI after this book comes out.

Speaker 1: 14:44

So let's talk about generalizing and sizing people up. And we always create theories and we make decisions based on where they grew up and where they went to school. And I was guilty of this. Like, so my uncle Jim went to American university and my boyfriend went there as well. And I know you have to be really intelligent to get into that school. And so when I looked at, it looked at his profile, it was like, well, he's on the South shore. He looks nice. And he went to a fancy college, so he must be doing something right. And that's, that was my initial. But I'll be honest. I always was so nervous on dates. And it was a really cold night when we went out and I had a jacket. I shouldn't have been wearing, I should've been wearing a heavier coat. And he was like, Harry Grant. He brought two pairs of gloves. He had a pair of clubs that he had an extra pair of gloves for me. And this, this is like, he's really nice like that. And what did I think as he hands me the gloves, we're walking by an alley in Boston and I'm thinking, Oh my God, I'm out that though. Jason's then like these got a second pair of gloves. Like what? And he's like, it's freezing out. It's below zero. Here's a pair of clubs. And I always thought that was kind of funny because how did I take such a sweet situation and just make it so warped

Speaker 3: 15:59

And so scary, but your

Speaker 1: 16:01

Mind runs away with you. It can, when you're on dates in Boston and it's a perfect stranger, let's be real. You're going out. You're getting in a car for me. I was getting in a car in an Uber with a perfect stranger, dropping me off to meet another stranger, getting back in another, over with, I mean, you know, you can, your mind runs away with you. But again, I though those are the few bad apples in the bunch I suspect who acts without conscience is called. And this is what you have the knowledge and his associate path. And there are people out there who lack responsibility and seeing people's other perspective, like seeing their perspective is a skill. Do you think we can sharpen these tools in our toolbox when you were doing surveillance or wiring to wiretapping someone? How much did you predict and how much did the outcome surprise you? Let me get back to

Speaker 3: 16:59

Boyfriend. He's makes all the guys look bad. Are you kidding me? I finally had to find a nice one. He went to her enough. I can't wait to meet him. In any event.

Speaker 1: 17:16

He went out and bought you this. He went to like two liquor stores this morning to get you

Speaker 3: 17:20

The Stella, I didn't know are so rare, but tell them, thank you.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Just take a short break. And when we come back, we're going to discuss how to gather information from people's gestures, understand nonverbal cues and use basic common sense.

Speaker 4: 17:38

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Speaker 1: 18:16

Back with the capable author and the host of the capable podcast buddies, Ricardo. So let's talk about, I'm a, I'm always trying to reframe it to dating, but sometimes on a date, a person will show you their true colors. And I've had this happen to me where I had someone jumped ugly real fast on a date. And it was scary to me like how rude this person was. And I remember thinking to myself as handsome and as nice as this person appears, what if I'm that person in the line of fire the next time? And so I've had that happen on a first date where you see people's true colors, whether they speak rudely to a waiter, they snap at someone who's parking their car. Maybe this person's shifty frequently looking at their watch. They're stressed, continually looking at their phone. Gestures are valid. And the key is understanding the meaning of these nonverbal cues, buddy. I'm sure you've learned an awful lot about body language. Can you share some insight or some stories that you have from your, from your career in police work?

Speaker 2: 19:25

Well, when I talk to people, I like to look them straight in the eye. And just one quick, uh, off the job where I once worked for a man who wasn't talking, he always looked down or to the left to the right. He was a nice fellow, but I never found him to be trustworthy. Just, just watch them and particularly watch yourself wherever you are. And I think it's always better if you go out to all a couple of other, other gals, but it seems to in the new this generation now, cause I can see it in my, my grandkids, that there's a lot of guys and gals that are friends, that just friends and they go out together and they're not dating or anything like that. And that was not in my day. You didn't know you had maybe had a girlfriend, but you didn't have a girl as a friend.

Speaker 1: 20:06

And so it's interesting and this

Speaker 2: 20:07

Is a little bit different today. And I like it. I absolutely liked that. Uh, traveling pack, travel, you know, with the, with the group in my, my, my grandkids are always going to parties at their friend's house, then, you know, they're not going out and, and only one of them is eligible to drink. But the other two that aren't may or may not have a cocktail at that's that's up to the parents to worry about that. But, um, yeah, I think today's generation, you've got guys and gals, but it will change.

Speaker 1: 20:36

Things have changed. Totally. So my advice would be, and this is pre pandemic, you know? No, the bar or restaurant that you're going to know your surroundings, know the bartenders. So that way, if you up to go to lady's room, no one's putting something in your drink. And so now my advice, you know, this is a whole new way of dating right now, but it will go back to, you know, hopefully soon we will be outdating in the normal places that we did before. My dad would always say, use your head. And I think what I see with my daughter she's 17 is that young people are always looking down at their phone. And so if you're walking down a dark street to go meet someone and you're looking down your phone that's, or you're walking through a dark parking lot with their head down texting, that's just not smart because you need to know your surroundings at all times. And I'm not trying to say that to be fear. I'm just saying that's common sense. That's logic and judgment. And I wouldn't keep my car unlocked if my camera equipment was in there and I wouldn't leave my house opened if I was going away for a week a week. So it's, it sounds very basic. And, but sometimes there's certain things that people do on a date that just isn't the vast. And so I want to talk, I talk about it because, um, I think is important sometimes because people might second take, you know, if they can do, they don't text in the dark while they're walking, you know, that's keeps them a little bit safer in your book, capable, you Chronicle these unsolved mysteries. And there has to be the signs that they not take certain precautions. Like you said, we're trusting taking a ride home at three and four in the morning, or I mean, domestic violence and violence behavior between men and women are, are a huge problem today. And it's on the rise and people don't feel like they can get out. And then by the time they can get out, it cost them their lives. I think what happens is the level of fear gets so numbed. There is a woman who called the domestic violence line and she said, I need to come back to the shelter. And they said, are you in danger? And he had a gun outside the door, but because he wasn't inside the room with the gun, she said, no, I'm not in danger. And that just shows a level of fear that gets so, um, destroyed that, that when you're in something that's so unhealthy for so long, that's the psyche and it's in until you study it enough or know people who've gone through it. Cause it is an epidemic. I mean, it's, it's really sad, which leads me to my last question, which I think I've, this is what I found when I'm helping people dating or clients that I've helped is that people are so invested in the outcome that they ignore the red flags. And I'll say, you know, this doesn't add up. These are signs that are very clear to me because I have no investment in this outcome other than their happiness people become resistant. When I point out the red flags. So then I needed to take a step back and let it play out. And I would imagine you've had to navigate this a lot, this back and forth, and you already know how things are going to play out. How did you deal with that in your career? I must've been so frustrating.

Speaker 2: 24:10

Well, I'm usually a very straight forward with guys in good guys in the bed. And I've told some people don't make your problem, my problem, but in law enforcement, but dealing with people you deal with in someone like an alcoholic, listening to us, his or her sponsor, the alcoholic does not want to hear are here. She has to conform to the 12 steps in audit to achieve sobriety. I'm not saying this is analogous to domestic violence, but they just don't want to hear the story in dealing with that type of a situation you're already wrong. It's common sense because they don't teach this stuff. At least not. When I went on the job,

Speaker 1: 24:47

Buddy, thank you so much for teaching us to listen to our intuition, how to stay safe and the difference between worry and fear. The release date for capable is 2021. Do you have any social media outlets you'd like to include or barks foundation?

Speaker 2: 25:04

Um, we, we usually have a golf tournament every year. This deal would have been the 23rd, but of course, because of COVID we didn't, and this money goes to, um, graduate at Weymouth high, which Mark was, and then went on to BC via George Washington university. He spent a year out there and then came to BC in any event. We, uh, it's very difficult for kids. Uh middle-class uh, in particular, the, to move forward the 60,$70,000 tuition. So we try to give him as much we can four or$5,000. And basically then we have an, a dominant at BC that we threw a lot of our money at the outset of fundraising. It's not a lot. It's about$180,000. And those that money is for particularly Weymouth residents that are going to go to BC nights. It's now called the woods school events and studies. This golf tournament is, has been very successful for a little, you know, a town in Weymouth, uh, to have all Mark's friends and others in my sons, my daughter's friends in my friends to come to the tournament every year. We all, we have 140 golfers almost every year. So anybody that's listening out there, thank you. We appreciate your support. And hopefully we'll have another tournament next year in 2021.

Speaker 1: 26:10

Well, Mark had tons of friends and was loved by all and friends are important and what a special way to continue his legacy. And I am so grateful to have friends like your buddy. And thank you so much for being on shot. I love today.

Speaker 3: 26:30

Thank you

Speaker 1: 26:35

For now. This week's Tinder tips. Number one, rejection will always bring hostility. Don't fear. The one who sending threatening texts. Something like you'll never find anyone as good as me or no one will ever love. You dare just words. Number two, the most common crime is not believing in yourself or believing you're not worthy of love because you are number three. Don't let fear of the unknown or fear in general, rule your decisions around dating. There's a whole big world out there. Don't let the feelings of being afraid. Rob you of all the amazing opportunities out there. Number four, do you have the self protection to truly protect yourself? Do you have you, if you don't have your own back, that is the real crime. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five star review. I'm Carrie, Brett, and we'll see you next.