Where Do We Go From Here? With September 11th Survivor And Photographer Mike Casey

This week's episode is "Where Do We Go from Here?" with September 11th Survivor and Photographer Mike Casey. It's January 2021, and it's been a LONG month. Many people are just trying to get by and live their lives the best they can. And many have been forced to rebuild their lives. Today's guest is an expert at starting over.

In the Summer of 2001, Mike Casey had just landed a top position at the largest advertising firm in New England. And TJX Companies had newly created a position for his beautiful young wife, Neilie.  On September 11th, Neilie was on American Airlines Flight 11 when it was flown into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Mike's life as he knew it…was over. On September 12th, he had no choice but to continue on and take care of their 7-month old baby girl, Riley. Mike explains how he dealt with the loss, picked up the pieces to create a new life, and how he found love again.

For the Casey’s, life was better than good. Together, they were on top of the world. Both had great new jobs.  They had a beautiful baby, little Riley.  A new home. They were happy. When Mike found himself at the center of 911, whether he knew it or not, he found a way to navigate this epic tragedy, an event that would change his life forever. He had to rethink life for his daughter and him. In the days following 911, Mike Casey was determined not to be a victim of that day. And instead, he proudly calls himself a survivor. 

And yes, Mike did find love again.  In 2005, he married WBZ-TV Channel 4 news anchor Lisa Hughes in her home state of Idaho. Lisa adopted Riley.  And, ten years later after 911, Lisa and Mike adopted a newborn baby boy they named Dylan. Mike also changed careers leaving the advertising world for photography. Almost twenty years ago, his life was in shambles, but I can safely say, he in fact did not let 911 define him. 

Kerry Brett and Mike Casey cover a lot of ground. Topics include;
When faced with tragedy or loss rely on three things; faith, family and friends.
Find yourself a great therapist and peel back that onion.
The importance of good-byes.
When overcoming something major lose deadlines or timelines.
The importance of moving forward rather than moving on.
Why having zero expectations helps when dating.
Take things, an hour at a time, 30 minutes at a time, or better yet live moment to moment and do the best you can to stay in the present. 
Keep leaning on people. Let people in, that is the key, learn to let others in.
Give yourself permission to grieve, be afraid, make mistakes. There is no handbook, for surviving a pandemic. We are all trying to figure it out. Allow yourself some grace.
When you lose hope or are filled with despair. Remember you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
After, this pandemic, our lives will never be the same, but you will be happy again. 

For more information on Mike Casey, you can find him at www.caseyphotography.net or follow on Instagram @caseyphoto101.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. This week's episode is where do we go from here with September 11, survivor and photographer. Mike Casey, it's January, 2021. And it's been a long month. Many people are just trying to get by and live their lives. The best they can, and many have been forced to rebuild their lives. Today's guest is an expert at starting over in the summer of 2001. Mike Casey had just landed a top position at the largest advertising firm in new England and TJX companies had newly created a position for his beautiful young life healing on September 11th, nearly was on American airlines flight 11 when it was flown into the North tower of the world trade center Mike's life. As he knew it was over on September 12th, he had no choice, but to continue on and take care of their seven month old baby girl, violet. When we come back, Mike will tell us how he dealt with the loss, picked up the pieces to create a new life and how he found love. Again, you won't want to miss it. So stay tuned for the Casey's life was better than good together. They were on top of the world, both had great new jobs. They had a beautiful baby little Riley, a new home. They were happy when Mike found himself at the center of nine 11, whether he knew it or not, he found a way to navigate this Epic tragedy, an event that would change his life forever. He had to rethink his life for his daughter and him. Mike Casey was determined not to be a victim of that day. And instead he proudly calls himself a survivor. And yes, Mike did find love again. In 2005, he married Debbie BZ, TV channel four news anchor, Lisa Hughes in her home state of Idaho, Lisa adopted Riley. And then 10 years later, after nine 11, Lisa and Mike adopted a newborn baby boy, they named Dylan. Mike also changed careers, leaving the advertising world for photography almost 20 years ago. His life was in shambles, but I can safely say he, in fact did not let nine 11 define him. It is my honor to introduce my friend, Mike Casey, welcome Mike KB case. So happy to have you here today marks the 50th episode, which is so meaningful. I saved my Casey story for this special day because Mike's experience and how he dealt with it is transferrable to many bad situations we are faced with. He helped me when I was getting divorced with a baby 16 years ago at the time, I didn't know any other single parents. And Mike had a big influence on my life. I used his advice to move forward during a painful period, Mike, I'll never forget your friendship or your kindness. That's just the type of person you are. If someone's hurting, you take the time to listen. I'm going to first lead with the story of how we first met in 2001, we didn't have social media, but your eulogy from Neely's Memorial mass had gone viral in Boston. Everyone in the country wanted your story. And you became a celebrity of sorts from this tragedy. Mike, you said you had dozens of neighbors running across your front lawn was lasagna. Is hundreds of family and friends visiting your home and thousands of people sending Riley and you cards or letters you relied on faith, friends and family. Take us back to that time in your life. How were these three things important,

Speaker 2: 4:02

Gary? Thanks for having me. I'm honored to be here for your 50th podcast. Congrats on all the success. Very cool. Very proud of you.

Speaker 1: 4:10

I know you are. I think you and my dad like tide as biggest fans

Speaker 2: 4:16

Probably has me beat. Um, so going back, yeah, that was just not a situation I wish on anybody. And I kept my approach simple. I really kind of leaned on my family, my friends and my faith. And um, you know, it was the combination of those three that really kind of helped me through the days immediately after and really up through today. You know, there's, there's no shortage of, of a need for the three of those things for me as I live my life today. But definitely back then, you know, it was a stunning staggering time, uh, in my life to say the least where everything just stopped, you know, one day Neil and I are on top of the world. Uh, honestly, like we were pinching ourselves how lucky we were. She was recruited into TJX. I was brought into Hill holiday and all the hard work that we were putting in, in our twenties and early thirties, you know, here we are, we felt we had arrived and we got this great little home in Wellesley and we got this adorable little baby. And next thing I know my life, as I knew it stopped. And I had to kind of reach into kind of the things that I knew, uh, which was really relationships when I think about it, uh, to help me make, take my next step. And then the step after that, and the step after that, you know, I'm, I'm blessed to be the youngest of four KC kids. My mom and dad were incredible influences in our lives, just how to live life. Well, you know, we're Irish Catholics, you know, there's good. And then there's baggage with them with that. Um, but you know, they, they taught us well and, and really, you know, from, you know, the lessons of, of a good family and in, in good faith, we, we really learned how to take care of one another and take care of others. And, um, the Casey clan, I would say, you know, there's none better in the business in terms of helping others. When the time comes, I've got two sisters, Kathleen and Carolyn, and then my brother, Joe, and I'm the youngest of the four of them. And they kind of moved all the boulders out of the way from me as I was growing up. So, you know, forever thankful for all their kind of guidance in, in, in vision. But, you know, I grew up in Taunton mass, a great group of friends there. I went to Holy cross and amazing group of friends there. And without knowing it, my faith grew stronger at Holy cross through the Jesuits, you know, and through the whole way of teaching men and women for others is their motto. And that really kind of is what had a big influence on me, big influence on Neely. And really many of my lacrosse friends, you know, it's a very generous group of people. So when the time came for me to lean on them, they were there for me. That's nice.

Speaker 1: 7:16

Yeah. Well, you can't have friends unless you are a good friend. And so when you have a tragic situation and your whole life is falling apart, and now we're seeing it too, with the pandemic, it's like forget about the material things we have, like our friends and family safe. We were all in fear. So that morning you said that morning, your life, as you knew, it was over and you knew you needed help and you were smart enough to ask for it. Can you talk about why therapy was so helpful in healing?

Speaker 2: 7:47

Yeah. As soon after nine 11, if we can all think back to that time, there was so much uncertainty. Uh, there was the anthrax threat, which was thrown on top of the terrorist attacks, which was thrown on top of more terrorist threats. And there was this whole notion that we needed to get back at, you know, the, the terrorist community over in the middle East, it was bad. It was just a bad time. And there was a lot on people's minds in my world. You know, the amazing thing was there was so much going on on a worldwide scale, but all I really cared about was my little place in life, you know, like where I was in the world with Riley and trying to remember Neely. And that's really kind of, um, the, the most important things to me at the time. And I really, you know, in the weeks following nine 11, I remember pushing Neely's Memorial mass off to the second weekend after the, after the, uh, the event, because the, what was the hurry, there was no hurry. You know, there's always a, there's always a pattern to when someone dies is awake and then a funeral, but they were no remains. It was, there was nothing I had that I could, you know, have a proper funeral. So I wanted to wait just to give myself time to kind of exhale and kind of think about how I want to properly kind of remember her, but also give people time to get to me, you know, flights were grounded. People couldn't get places. I had people on the West coast that wanted to come in. Um, and in fact, incredibly I had, I had friends who, who flew out. They worked in the airline industry. They, uh, um, in California and they couldn't get a flight back. So they drove home.

Speaker 1: 9:41

Right? Cause my, my sister and her husband checked into the flight and then they were going on their honeymoon. They got married on nine nine. And we had all friends and family in the Boston area and they check in to the flight and then they ended up doing, switching their flight and doing a layover. So they're in the air when the planes are hitting the world trade center. And we think she's on the flight and our new husband. And so she grounds, they didn't tell her anything and they ground her and they grounded them in Philadelphia, but she couldn't get home. So it was like, forget about her honeymoon. How do we get her home? So a friend who was in the wedding party drove down to grab them and bring them back. But that whole day we didn't know where they were so I can identify with the confusion. Um, but I want to bring, because this has been important and I want to bring back to here you are, you're literally like trying to ground yourself and like wrap your head around. What's happened. And you end up with this wonderful therapist and she doesn't even really know how to navigate this, but she told you some advice that I don't want to miss, because I think it's the, the main key here of how you lead forward.

Speaker 2: 11:04

Yeah. I N I J just to finish on the, the kind of the weeks following nine 11, I was just trying to get through to the mass. And that was kind of my call at the time. I was just, I was just setting small marks on the calendar, just get to her mass, do a great job with it. And then we'll go from there. And I think there was, you know, probably a week or two after that, where I realized like, I am ill-equipped to carry on. I don't know what's going to happen. And there's so much going on in the world that, you know, I don't know if I can handle this by myself. I've got this little baby and I just need to be educated on kind of what's going to happen to my brain. That was kind of the thing that most concerned me and, and mental health was something that people didn't talk a lot about. So there weren't many resources for me. And I had just started at Hill holiday at the time and Jack Connors, who it was, you know, legendary ad guy and just a wonderful person, wonderful friend. I had been there a week and he had made sure to tell me and call me and reach out to me to say, I'm here for whatever you need. And don't worry about your job. That was the other wonderful thing he calls to tell him. He's like, your job's always going to be here. You know, you are at the center of many people's lives right now. Just do what you need to do, and we'll see you when you're ready. And if you need anything, you just call me. And it was about a month later, I called him and I said, Jack, I need something from you. I need to get, find a great doctor for, you know, I don't even know what sort of doctor I'm looking for, but I need a doctor. So he hands me off to someone with a phone number and a name. And I call this person and we go through a long conversation and I'm telling them about family and faith and friends and my approach. And, and he says, okay, you're doing the right thing, things. And you know, here we go. And this is the person that I want you to talk to first. And if that person doesn't work, go to the second one third, fourth, fifth. And if those five don't work, call me again. I said, this is great. You're wonderful. I just need to ask, who are you? Who are you? And where am I calling? And he said, you know, my name is so-and-so and I'm the CEO of McLean hospital. And I said, okay. And what I realized was that this was a massive trauma that I was experiencing, and I needed to find, he put me in touch with a trauma expert. And that was what we went with. And I was lucky. I found a great doctor the first time doing this. And what I learned was in being successful in kind of mental health issues is the more honest you are with yourself, the more successful you'll be. You know, that was my experience. And that proved to be a great partnership because I saw her for six years and it was weekly every Wednesday at three o'clock. I met her and then it was monthly and then quarterly and then, you know, as needed. And it was the best thing I could have done. There were many things. She taught me the, the, the, the skill of this one, uh, her name was Sherry winter nets. I need to acknowledge her. She was just a wonderful influence and, and friend in my life, she was a great listener. And she would listen to all the things that I would go through. And then she would serve up a Pearl of wisdom, right. In the Palm of her hand at the end of each session. And she would say, okay, you know, and I'd have something to walk away with and work on for the week. You know, it was kinda like kinda like church. You know, you go to a good, you know, uh, Paris with a good person, and it gives you a good homily, like, all right, that's what I'm going to work on this week, you know, same sort of thing with Sherry. And she was, she was great. And there was a, a term I kept using to describe myself and say the first five or six months of our being together. And I would call myself a victim. I'm a victim. You know, it's tough being a victim. And as a victim, I'm this. And

Speaker 1: 15:10

That's how they're framing it.

Speaker 2: 15:12

Yeah. And right. And so she stopped me and she goes, you know, I've heard you say this many times, um, that you're a victim. Like I've seen victims and I've seen survivors. You're not a victim, you're a survivor. And you need to understand the difference between the two. She goes the, your, your approach to how you're carrying forward and dealing with all the things that you're dealing with and being a great dad and being a great widower. These are all strong things of, of a survivor. And it changed how I looked at myself that day. And I remember walking out with my chest out and my head high and, and it kind of changed everything about my approach. And it really, really helped me and understanding the difference between the two was key. And I didn't even understand that there was even a difference.

Speaker 1: 16:03

Right. And you didn't even understand that everyone was watching you. And we were waiting for you to show us how to move forward with this, all of us, because everyone could identify with someone on the plane. Yeah. You know? And so your eulogy goes viral. You you're just like trying to keep your head above water here. You know, you're just, you don't know that you're making such an incredible impact on so many people. So all these people are watching and, and we talk about the eulogy going viral, and you end up at a party and my dad hears about your story. And he comes over to me and we're both shooting this event. I can't remember the event and we're in the corner and the events happening. And he comes over, there's like Irish whisper. And he's like, Hey Carrie, do you know my Casey? And I was like, no, should I? And he said, Oh, you know, he's the new hire of Mike Shyanne at Hill holiday. And he just married Lisa Hughes, and everybody loves Lisa. I love Lisa. She's a good girl. And I'm like, okay, where's this going? And he said, I'm going to take them on. I, I wan I want to help him. I, he wants to be a photographer and he wants to leave advertising and be a photographer. And I thought to myself, well, that's a good, like, good luck with that because it's a competitive business. And he said, no, I'm going to take him on. He's going to come with me. And he's going to be my apprentice. And I made the decision that I want you to help him do. And I was like, really kind of surprised. Cause he doesn't do that. You know, with a perfect stranger. He didn't know you. He said he lost his wife and nine 11. And then I just thought, Oh, and he said, in this guy deserves a chance. And if he wants to make a change, then we're going to help him. And that's like how we met, but I think people, we carry each other. And if, and if that person's not in your life, when you have a hardship, another person is put in place so that you have the tools to keep going. So there was a plan for you to rebuild. And just like that person who made the phone call to guy who got you into McLean. And then the therapist said, okay, Mike, you're not a victim, you're a survivor. And now you're going to lead and show everyone else how we're going to overcome this as a city and as a nation. And you know, you didn't realize that was happening at the time. You know, trying to be a single dad, but you've had an effect on a lot of people for the past 20 years that you don't even realize. And I think the value of relationships and the importance of friends or making new friends to create new opportunities is invaluable. I want to talk about another lesson that you learned that I thought was so powerful. And I think it's important given the loss we're experiencing right now in the pandemic. You taught me the importance of goodbyes. And I know this might be a hard question, but I know you're strong enough to handle it. Can you mention the story, how you learned the importance of goodbye?

Speaker 2: 19:19

Yeah. I love sharing this story. One of the beauties of my relationship with Neely was how healthy it was. You know, I think that was a very big part of what helped me survive so successfully. And one of the things that we made sure of, and it was never this spoken thing, it just happened, but we always took the time to give each other a proper goodbye. Meaning, you know, if I'm watching television and she's like, I'm going to run to the grocery store, I would get up and run over it and give her kiss. I'm like, okay, I'll see you in a little bit. And then I'd go back versus, you know, the old calling from the other room or not being present or people just leaving the house and we just valued one another. And I think we just treasured time with each other. And I don't think there was anything ever said to one another about how we should say goodbye. We just knew how to say goodbye. So on the morning of nine 11, she was, she was going to meet a colleague at the TJX companies headquarters in Framingham. And we lived in Wellesley and we, she was a short ride away and they were going to meet together and take a car in from the headquarters. So she had to leave early. She was probably up at four 45, probably out the door at five 15. And she came to say goodbye. And she goes, I don't want to wake you. And I said, no, I'll get up. So I get up, I give her a hug and she goes, kiss Riley, you goodbye for me. I said, no, no, you go kiss Riley, just pick her up and kiss her. And don't worry if she wakes up, then I'll just get up with her who cares? And so she does that. And then she comes back in, I say goodbye to her. And she, I hear downstairs grab her stuff. And she goes out the door and I, you know, we had a small house so I could eat, I could hear her go out the front door, into the car door shuts. She backs out, I'm flipping the light on. So our bedroom was at the front of the house and flipping the light on and off so she can see me. And I know, I know the field light switch flipped. Um, and she sees me and then pauses at the end of the driveway and leans across the seat as she pulls out into the street. And then she puts the light on, in the, in the car and I can see her wave up to me and then she drove away and that was it. And I never saw her again. And you know, she never called from the plane. There were a lot of phone calls being placed from the planes and she never called and people would ask me, how do you feel about that? And I'm like, I'm glad she didn't call because I had a great goodbye with her.

Speaker 1: 22:03

Um, I feel that way too. Cause I feel like, and that was a hard question I had to ask you. I said, which plane was she? Like, I'm like, why am I even asking this? But you know, you had said to me, like, it was so fast. Like she was the first plane and before it was just so quick. So she didn't have, she wouldn't have known, she wouldn't have time to call. No,

Speaker 2: 22:27

No. And she was, she was with her friend, Tara creamer and they was sitting side by side and amazingly, this is, you know, I never believe in signs and angels and all that stuff, but there were too many things along the way. This was probably the first thing that I said, okay, there's, there's another force out there. Tara, uh, Nealy started in July at TJX, July of 2001. And she was in a newly created position, as you just said. And she had brought, been brought in from shadows of Boston, where she worked with Carol Meyrowitz, who was the big president of the division at the time she recruited Neely in and they recreated a new position for her based on her talent skill set. And so they said, all right, we're going to see how this goes. And in short order, Neely was so good at her job that they said, wow, you're just chewing right through this whole thing. We're going to add you to the trip to LA and we're going to want you to join the other six women who are going out. And so that's why she was on that flight and they sat together. Oh, they sat together. Yeah. So thank you. So she was asked to join that trip and one of the women on the flight was Tara and Tara had two little kids. And one of the benefits to TJX is that they could bring their kids to the childcare. And so Tara and Riley would go down together to see the kid, to see Riley in there and the two little creamer kids. And they were sitting together on the plane when it happened and they were in the back of the plane and they knew that the plane had been taken over and they were on their way to JFK. So they thought, and you know, they never made it. And Tara and Neely, I discovered not only died on the same day, they were born in the same day, two years apart. It's amazing. Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 1: 24:30

There's, there's the sign. And I see all the signs all the time. Like, you'll send me a message and it's at nine and 11, you know, or you're sending me emails at nine 11 and I think it's so beautiful how they were together and what you did when they called you at the Memorial. I think you should say that. Cause it's so precious. Which one, how you made sure that Neely's name?

Speaker 2: 24:58

Oh, down in New York. Yeah. So, you know, this is, this is another kind of, there's so many beautiful stories that have been a part of, you know, since, since nine 11 and the team that put together, the, the team that put together the Memorial in New York did an amazing job in keeping the families informed and involving the families and asking for ideas and so on and so forth. And so when the time came, because it was such a battle over the site and the footprints and the whole thing, and if you've been there, it's powerful. It's a very powerful place. You know, the footprints are preserved and it's a waterfall inward and it sits like this somewhat haunting, but beautiful site. And then the names around, you know, that the way they did it, you know, the names of the victims from the day were etched in steel on all four edges of of said tower. So Neely's name is on the North tower on the, I think the North side of the North tower and the folks at the nine 11 Memorial had sent out a questionnaire, any special requests. And I said, yes, I would like for Neeley and terrorist names to be side by side, because they were together on the plane that day. And of course they did that. And so when you go down and see Neeley's name, you're going to see Tara's name right next to it, which is always a very comforting thing.

Speaker 1: 26:28

It's nice. That's I mean, you saw it through to the end and that's so nice. Yeah. We're going to take a short break, but when we come back, we're going to discuss new chapters, changing careers and falling in love. Stay tuned.

Speaker 2: 26:43

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Speaker 3: 26:44

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Speaker 1: 27:21

We're back with photographer extraordinary and nine 11 survivor. My Casey let's change the focus from survival and shine the lens on love. And I want to talk about how you moved forward. And we were talking on the break that people put a timeline on things like how long will it take for you to think about finding love? How long will it take for you to go through therapy and to feel better? And one thing you taught me, which I think is invaluable is to not put deadlines on things. Do you want to talk about that?

Speaker 2: 28:04

Yeah. I, uh, like most Americans and I think this is an American thing. Uh, we are all motivated to get things done and we tend to create our lists. Then go, go, go. And I was very much that way. Uh, I was 33 at the time. Um, and I felt that I was capable of getting back to things, being normal within a year's time and how wrong I was. And I had lunch with someone one day, you know, along the way, there's always these wake up moments. And I had this lunch with a friend who asked me outright. She said, how long do you think it will take you to get back to normal, whatever normal is. And I said, I don't know about a year or so. And she said, I think it's more like five years. And I remember sitting up in my seat thing, you know, first of all, how do you know that? And then second of all, you don't know me. And I remember leaving that lunch saying, Hmm, that's a long time. Is she right? Is she right about this? And she was right about it. And what I learned from that was that we create these expectations of ourselves to push through things good and bad. You know, whether it's a workout or losing weight, or, you know, finishing a project at work or overcoming a trauma, we all tend to kind of want to push through and get to the other side. And what I discovered on something at this level, I didn't really have the tools. And I was trying to figure out what those tools were to create expectations for myself that were reasonable and realistic, but I also needed to give myself credit for the situation I was in and together. I think I was able to kind of come up with a plan that allowed me to put stakes in the ground to help me get to whatever point I needed to get to at the time early on it, you know, it was remembering mealy and doing all the things right in the first year. And then after that, I really had a strong focus on Riley and just making sure that she was, that I was giving her the proper time to have a childhood and not let nine 11 define her. Oh, that's the girl who's lost her mom. You know? And so I did all the things I could with a focus on her to make sure that she was having the childhood that she should. And that was with a lot of help from people, caretakers, family, Neely's family. They have friends are incredible. Her sisters, her mom, her brother, everyone pitching in my family, neighbors. They lived in a town where everyone was reaching out to us that helped, that helped me kind of move along to these deadlines. And I knew that I had a structure in place that I could, I could utilize and take advantage of. And all of a sudden the deadlines and the pressure of deadlines went away. And I just said, I'm going to do this at the pace that is right. I'm going to do it. You know, when you're ready, when I'm ready. And there is no playbook on something like nine 11, but I don't think there's, there's a playbook really for anyone's situation. And that can be, you know, losing someone to cancer or having a tough relationship with a family member that, you know, there's a break and you got to try to figure out how to get back or, you know, some sudden loss or something that's drawn out. Like everyone bears across differently. We all have a cross to carry. And if you haven't had it yet, you will, there's something in your life. That's going to go off the rails. And you just need to know that there are people around you that will help as long as you reach out to, to, to get their help. And that made the deadlines easier. I don't know if I'm answering the question, but there wasn't really a, you know, certainly I had a playbook, you know, I thought within a year's time, it would be right back at it, you know, and that didn't happen. And then I just, once I realized that I'm like, all right, take a deep breath, step back and figure out what it is you're trying to do. You, and, and I rather than have deadlines, I reset priorities.

Speaker 1: 32:43

Right. But you know, what was happening? People were pushing you along the way. Like you had said that Neil, his mom gave him permission and she said, you know, Neil, they wouldn't want you to be alone, Mike, and you have such a great heart and you're such a great friend. And I know you're a great husband. And it's like, they, they started to open up your mind a little bit. That what about you, Mike Casey? Like maybe you could find it finds a love. And I want to talk about how you, you, you tell me this all the time that you often say that you didn't move on, you moved forward. So I want to hear about this is the kid to story, but how you met your wife, Lisa.

Speaker 2: 33:29

Okay. So you actually mentioned Neely's mom and this, this is important to bring in because she opened the door for me to meet Lisa. It was six months after nine 11 and just a little background and the Ellie's mom and her husband died. And I think he was 42 or 43 years old. He died of cancer. And there were four kids under the age of 13 and the youngest being two. So it was Eileen and Neely, Neil and Lindsey, and Anne raised these four kids after Neil died. And there was such love for this guy. They all loved him even after he was gone. And it was this wonderful thing to be a part of what the Heffernan family that really made me appreciate. There are many lessons you can learn from someone who isn't even here. And I wish I had met Neil. He sounded like the funnest coolest guy to be around. And just based on their stories, I got a great sense of the guy. And so there was always this healthy relationship with someone who wasn't in the household physically, but was there spiritually. And so six months after nine 11, it's an on the phone, the phone rings, we spoke a lot, had a great, still have a great relationship with her. And with all the have friends, are they still very special part of my family in my life? And they, the phone rings at tan and she says, I got to talk to you about, uh, uh, something important. I'm like, okay, you know, a lot of important conversations back then. And she said, you may not be ready for this, but I'm going to tell you, Neely would have wanted you to marry again. She's gonna, she wants you to be happy and find someone else. And it kind of took my breath away, you know, cause I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to hear that because I was still so attached to her and still doing so many things to honor her. It was still at first year. And, but she explained to me that because her husband died, she had these conversations with her kids and I lean Neely's older sister. She was married and Neely was married and they would talk about it. What if Mike died? What if Derek died? You know, what would you do? And it was the other's responsibility to tell the surviving spouse. Yes, you should carry on. And it was a startling conversation with each of them, Eileen called me probably two weeks later to have the same conversation. And it, it was startling, but almost refreshing, like, wow, okay, now I have permission, but I still wasn't ready. It still took me a while to begin to date again. And boy was that awkward. I mean, that was like, I hadn't asked someone out in 15 years, you know,

Speaker 4: 36:35

Or whatever, you know, how do I do this?

Speaker 2: 36:38

And so it was a lot of these like chance meetings and you know, I want to,

Speaker 4: 36:46

Well, I hope not. Um, but you know, I had a baggage man. I had a heavy caseload that I had a little baby, you know,

Speaker 2: 36:57

And, and who wants to step into that?

Speaker 1: 36:59

And back then that, and I did the same and, but it was a good friend who said, and I feel that Felisa cause I, I, anyone who comes to Boston as an outsider, it's so difficult to find your way and someone, a mutual friend of Lisa's aye, Hey Mike, I got a great girl for you. And you said you didn't never had even seen her on TV. You weren't really like paying attention to, but yeah, right. Yeah. And she was like, I'll go with this guy, but I'm not going to marry him. And I love that. Like, she's totally like holding the career cards, the

Speaker 4: 37:36

Vest. And that was,

Speaker 2: 37:38

That was Ted Wayman who worked with Lisa at, um, WBZ. And you know, she had come off of a long, many year, six or seven year relationship with someone who she thought she would marry. And then they broke up because he was on the West coast and she was here and you know, Ted watched her date, this guy, and then that guy and she, he was just shaking his head and said, wait a minute, I watching all this on the sidelines. I got someone I think you would like, I use, he's a great guy. As a friend of ours, I think you should meet him. And she says, okay, don't don't tell me anything about him. And Tez is, uh, hold on here. I do have to tell you about him

Speaker 4: 38:21

Before we proceed.

Speaker 2: 38:23

And uh, she said, okay, all right, now let me ask again, did I say I would go out with you guys or that, cause we were going to double date. What I, that I would go out with you guys or that I would think about it. And Ted said, no, you said you would go out and he was ready to meet you. And I, and I met her and the first thing I said to her when she popped up out of the ER from the dinner table, not hello. I think I said, boy, you're little.

Speaker 1: 38:55

Yeah, I know. I wish it was, I mean, little bit powerful and strong

Speaker 5: 39:01

As the day is long.

Speaker 2: 39:03

Why do you look so tall on TV? And she said, Oh, they moved. They cracked my seat up and they put me on a box. Uh, but she, she and I just hit it off, you know? And, and I had been on some dates and you know, I think I needed to get, you know, I had my training wheels on and I needed the training wheels to come off and, you know, and there was a confidence factor there. But the things that she said to me was what, what I was so impressed by with you is, you know, you are so emotionally strong and I was taken by that and she was dealing with her nine 11, um, story as well. She, she has her own story, which if I can tell you, it's, it's pretty powerful. And so I think that was a big piece to it. So we had this thing in common that we could talk about, and that helped us as, uh, early on. But she had flown into New York. She was going down with Joe[inaudible] for business meeting that day on nine 11. And she flew right over the towers at like eight 30 and landed at LaGuardia. And she remembers looking, she was on the, on the C on the window side and she looked down and she grew up in Idaho and she loved New York. She loved Marilyn Monroe in New York. And she had posters of both, all her all over her, you know, her bedroom and, and that's, and her mother's family was from New York. And so she loved going to New York to visit them, love the world trade center towers. And she flew over them and just kind of looked down at them with admiration, like, wow, those are just so cool. Lands gets in a, you know, a town car to go off to this meeting comes up, approaching the 59th street bridge and sees that there's something on fire. She calls the newsroom. They're like yet we're aware of it. We see it. And then boom, the second plane hits when she's on the phone. So this one day trip turned into a five day stay. She enjoys, got a room and they ended up reporting from New York that week with a photographer from the CBS affiliate down there. And that was her. She was on the ground in New York at the time.

Speaker 1: 41:17

And it's amazing like how she looked to you and thought, wow, you're so healthy and sound and such a survivor. And I can work through this with your strength. And I think about Lisa reporting, you know, from the marathon, all the things she's covered in this city and how she gets up and she carries these horrible things. And so, yeah, and a lot of good, but like that's a hard job and she's very, very strong. And so she loved your strength.

Speaker 2: 41:51

Yeah. Which I, you know, you don't, you don't know this stuff until you ask. And so when I was getting ready for this podcast, I said, what was it that you liked about me? And she said, you are emotionally healthy. And I thought the little things in life, how am I, how am I doing today?

Speaker 1: 42:11

Oh my gosh. So you get married and you adopt a little boy. And I remember this very distinctively because you had called me and I was getting ready to go photograph a family on the beach. And I always think of you when it's, you know, the beginning of September and every year it's marked. And every year the emotions will come up and the 10 year was a big year. And the 20th year, it will be a big year. And I suppose every year it's, doesn't take it away. And you called me and he said, we got the little guy and I burst into tears. And this poor family is walking towards me on the beach and I'm sobbing hysterically. And I'm like, Oh my God, my friend is a survivor. Like I just couldn't. I was so overwhelmed and so happy for you because my life was falling apart. Like at least yours was good, but you know,

Speaker 2: 43:09

But it, wasn't a, it's an interesting path that I've taken, you know, in getting ready for this. You know, I kinda, I pull everything together and I'm like, we've cobbled together. This incredible little family, you know, I was with Riley. Lisa came into our world. She adopted Riley, which was a big deal. And your dad, no, actually he didn't let me fast forward. So, so then, you know, then we tried to have, then we tried to have a child and that, that didn't happen in, and you know, that moment where you say, okay, you know, the adoption process is, is an interesting process. It's, it's one where you invest yourself. You put a lot of time and energy and there's a lot of paper and background checks and money and things that go with it. You have to commit to it. There is a, there is a full-on commitment to adopting a child and you know, they're there, but there's also an emptiness that goes with it that you have to overcome because you know, for us, we, we weren't able to have a child. So we were, um, that was hard. That was like yet another hard thing that we had to go through. But then once we were all in, on the, on the adoption process, we couldn't wait. And then it's as scary a thing she can go through because you don't know if there's no formulaic thing, you just, you give preferences on child and where, and, but it's a total crapshoot. And the next thing we know, we get a phone call from, they went, you know, you submit the paperwork and they go dark on you for eight, nine months until your turn comes. And literally it's like, okay, the Casey Hughes file, boom. They pull it down it flip open, and they start moving through it. And all of a sudden we get a call that we've been matched and it just becomes as level of excitement, like, Oh my God, you know, and we have to go meet the birth mother. And we fly to Kentucky and we meet her at a red lobster on Richmond Avenue in Lexington. When in fact we were supposed to be on Lexington Avenue in Richmond. I mean, it's that weird. We went to the wrong location of the red lobster and we thought we blew it. We thought, Oh my God, we flown all the way down here was supposed to be face-to-face with this mother. And when not gonna, we're not gonna meet her. It's like this whole thing has just gone off the rails. And I remember us getting in the car and just, I'm going about a hundred miles an hour down the highway. And I've got my excuse for this Kentucky state police ready to go. And we get there and we hit it right off with this mom and she loves us. We love her. And then it still, wasn't a done deal, but we go back and she tells us that you guys are the one I'll keep you posted. And three weeks later when we went back and like, that was the other thing, how far along are you? She was like eight months. We're like, Oh my God, we got a month to get ready. You know, like this is insane, you know? And all of a sudden our life changed in a very different way. It was this wonderful addition and it was Dylan's birthday is August 23rd. And so it's, you know, two weeks before nine 11. So it's this wonderful thing that we get to look forward to, uh, just before each anniversary of nine 11. It's so nice. Yeah. But it is an amazing tale of a cobbled family. You know,

Speaker 1: 46:37

It was an inspiring town. No, it is. It's you created this beautiful life and you should be very proud of yourself and I'm proud of you. And I'm so glad you're happy. And I want you to share some of the lessons that you wrote, because I think to end this podcast, I think people need some of my cases, lessons. That's what I think.

Speaker 2: 47:03

Well, I am, you know, flattered that you, you say that, you know, and, and there have been many situations where I've been called upon to help someone in a tough situation. And what I've found is that a lot of the lessons that I live through, maybe some of the lessons I created are transferable. It's something you said earlier. And I think that's a good, good word. Uh, particularly the, the times we're in it is there's so much uncertainty. We just keep plotting along with this strange pandemic in this, you know, it's winter, it's the coldest day of the year,

Speaker 6: 47:38

Two years here, you know, COVID strains of COVID fascinate vaccination,

Speaker 2: 47:45

And isn't going, like we thought, you know, the whole thing is one thing after the next. So, you know, whether it's that or losing someone to cancer or, you know, a ref with a family member, it's anything that becomes a traumatic situation. You know, there are lessons that I can share and I understand that they, that they applied to different places. So I'm happy to share these things and whatever people can take from them, you know, I hope they're useful, you know, in the first, th th I think most of these things I talked about, but I'll try to sum up here. The first, uh, that I, I found most helpful was leaning on family, friends, and faith, you know, and everyone has a different arrangement of those three, two of the three, one of the three, but whoever's near you that can help you reach out to those people and just be very clear on what it is that you need. A second lesson was letting those people in. It's one thing to reach out to them, but it's another to let those people in. And, you know, after, after nine 11, you know, right away there was, I was just overwhelmed. I mean, there was, it was this world event, you know, national event and everyone came running and it was wonderful, but at the same time I needed to manage it. And so not only did I let people in, I mean, I had many friends just to remind me of Kay, she did it with such grace. And you are just such an example to all of us, you know, like, I don't remember person after person. They were stunned. They didn't know what to say. They would stand in front of me and they couldn't speak, they were in shock. And I would just simply say, tell me what you loved about Neeley. What was it about her that you love the most, just to give them something to talk about, you know, because it's such a hard thing for people on the other side to deal with. They don't know what to say. So, you know, I had this ability to let people in and help me. And it was a, it was a huge benefit to my situation. And I, and I always advise people like, let people in, let them help manage your situation. Cause it's a classic thing. If someone dies, suddenly everyone comes running with food and they're on your doorstep and they're just looking for something to do. And there's only so much, there's so many tasks, there's only so many tasks that you can hand out to people and people just want to be there and say that I helped. I mean, it's, there's kind of a self-serving thing there as well, but, you know, I had plenty for people to do after the mass, you know, just with thank yous to people. And would you mind sitting Riley so I can go out and get a beer with someone or, you know, can you walk the dog like, or can you go to the duck? Can you go to the vet? And, you know, by his specialty dog food that I haven't been able to get for the last four days, you know, there's a lot of those things. But like one thing which I loved telling you about was the, the person who showed up at my door to answer my phone, who, I didn't know who he was. And I had said to someone in my house, I can't sit and answer the phone all day. I'm not gonna be able to get anything done. Is there someone who can help, you know, and it was kind of this haphazard thing. And I, I finally said, is there anyone that we can hire or someone who's dedicated? And there was this guy Willowbrook who showed up on my doorstep and sat in the upstairs bedroom for 10 days answering the phone and logging calls. And I had every call logged by this kid. And it was this one,

Speaker 7: 51:27

Like you had all these angels around you. Absolutely. But, but, you know,

Speaker 2: 51:31

Well, I, I understood the power of letting people in. So that was, that's probably the second best lesson. The next is when you are in front of someone who, uh, has experienced something bad, you know, in my situation is always the dead end question of, Hey, Mike, how are you doing? And it's a loaded question. I can't, I can't really answer that question well, and nor do I want to. And what I learned was I'd much rather hear someone say to me, it's great to see you, you know, just it, and it changes the tone of the meeting altogether. So that's another thing that I often tell people, because what would happen is I don't want to go, like, I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to go out socially because I'm like people aren't going to know what to say to me. And B I know that question is going to come up and I don't want to answer it. So I just told my friends, okay, when we go out, just whoever's coming up to me, just ask them, tell them to say, Hey, it's great to see you. Like, literally, it's like, it's great to have you out. And I'm glad you're here. Can I buy you a beer, et cetera. So that's the third, the fourth is emotions. And just letting your emotions flow. I think a big expectation that people have of themselves is that they want to keep their emotions in check and present a kind of a face that they think they should be presenting versus one that is honest and true. And I just kind of let my emotions go. And I was crying a lot. Like I would just find myself, like, I would literally like put my hand on my face and all of a sudden I'm like, Oh my God, I'm crying again. You know, like it was just pouring out of me. But as I like to say, it just demonstrated how much I love Neely, you know? And I always, you know, people say I'm just crying and crying and crying and I'm like, but that's a good thing because it just shows how much you love that person. It's, it's an it's. Okay. And so kind of, I guess, give permission to let the emotions come out as they need to come out. And so, you know, there's anger, there's grief, there's frustration. There's laughter it's okay to laugh. You know, of course, crying and sadness, you know, but through my ability to let all those things go, as they, as they came along through my system, through my mind, uh, really helped me. It really, really, really helped me.

Speaker 1: 54:09

People really are tired and it's the dead of winter. We're just so fatigued by this pandemic. I think this advice is so sound and so important right now for people to hear. I really think it is so on point. And I think you have the most amazing survival skills I've ever seen. And I'm so grateful that you came today for the 50th episode and showed us that we can overcome. And we in no matter what happens to us, we can create a beautiful life and be happy again. So my heart is bursting with happiness that you're here today. Mike, thank you so much,

Speaker 2: 54:52

Gary. Thanks for having me. I'm so proud of you and keep it going 50, more and 50 more beyond that.

Speaker 1: 55:00

And for now this week's Tinder tips and honor of today's guest. Mike Casey. These tips come directly from him. Number one, take things an hour at a time, 30 minutes at a time or better yet live moment to moment and do the best you can to stay in the present. Number two, keep leaning on people, let people in that's the key. Learn to let others in number three, give yourself permission to grieve. Be afraid, make mistakes. There is no handbook for surviving a pandemic. We are all trying to figure it out. Allow yourself some grace. And before when you feel like you've lost hope or a filled with despair, remember you've got your whole life ahead of you. Number five, after this pandemic, our lives will never be the same, but you will be happy again. I promise this is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. And if you like this show, please write a five star review. I'm Carrie Brett, and we'll see you next time.