Biblical Advice for Blended Families

In this bonus episode, Brody sits down with Corey and Brittany Pendergrass to talk about the joys and challenges of building a blended family. From step-parenting and discipline to marriage, co-parenting, and earning trust, they share practical, Gospel-centered wisdom for creating a home marked by grace, unity, and stability.

In this episode, we discuss:

•  Building a strong marriage in a blended family 
•  Step-parent roles and unified discipline 
•  Loving and leading children with grace 
•  Navigating co-parenting and different household values 
•  Why forgiveness, humility, and consistency matter

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Click here to get our Colossians Bible study.

Transcript

Why Blended Families Need Help

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey, we got a bonus episode that we're going to drop here. And um let me let me just tell you where this is coming from. One of the things that we get a lot of requests, JB and I both, uh at our women's conferences, men's conferences, uh, marriage conferences, all of our adult conferences, we'll typically do a panel discussion and we'll take questions from the audience through a via text. And we always get questions about could we speak to what it looks like to raise a blended family in a biblical way? Because you don't really I I think there are some examples in scripture, but they're not one-to-one examples for kind of where we are in our culture. And so a lot of people that that are in the church today are in second or third marriages. They're raising kids that are blended, you know, two sets of bio kids from from previous spouses and just the the complexities and difficulties of being in a blended family. So people are constantly asking us to put something out uh that would speak to that. And I I know one couple, we're we're gonna we're gonna introduce you to them in today's episode that I believe is sort of nobody's perfect, but they're getting this right. They're doing it in a way that's honoring the Lord and they're raising a healthy uh family with that's that's two sets of bio kids from previous marriages. And we used them, uh we we did a video with them a few years ago that we showed at our marriage conference. And um, and now we're maybe three years downstream from that, and they're continuing to flourish and grow, and not without major hurdles. I want to make sure that you know as we go into this conversation, the Pendergrass family is not doing this flawlessly. They got all kinds of hurdles. You got uh two kids from one previous marriage, three kids from another previous marriage, two previous spouses, and are trying to be charitable and honorable to everyone involved and do this in a way that honors the Lord. But I really think that they are doing this in a beautiful picture of the gospel. So if you're someone who listens to this and you're in a blended family, I hope you'll find some encouragement from this. If you know somebody and they're in a blended relationship and you want and you you see that there's a dumpster fire, the ship is burning and they're throwing stuff overboard and trying to figure out how to save it and salvage it, this might be a good resource for them. Uh so we're dropping it as a bonus episode just because I don't know what percentage of our listeners are in this unique situation, but I think it's gonna be a great resource for people. I'm excited to sit down with them. I love them dearly. They are deep, deeply personal to me as far as the friendship, the relationship. I've known Corey since he was a kid, um, know his family well. His father is a very close friend of mine, and I'm excited for you to meet Corey and Britney Pendergrass. So, welcome to this bonus episode of No Sanity Required.

Meet Corey And Brittany Pendergrass

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Welcome to No Sanity Required, from the Ministry of Snowbird Wilderness Outfitters, a podcast about the Bible, culture, and stories from around the globe.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

So let's start by Corey, why don't you just introduce yourselves?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Yeah, so I'm Corey Pendergrass, and this is my wife, Brittany. Um, we're from Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and have been coming to Snowbird, at least I have been coming to Snowbird since 1999 as a camper, as a counselor, um, servant team, you name it.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

You you literally have done everything. And now I would add a lot of our listeners kept up with our recent construction project on that hill, the bathhouse up on the hill. And uh, Corey owns a plumbing company, operates a plumbing company, um, a commercial plumbing company. Is that the way you say that? Yeah. And um man, these guys not only saved us a ton of money, but the speed and work and efficiency of the work was crazy. So those of you that have heard us over and over say, we're gonna get it done. It's gonna happen before summer, and then we put we got our final for that, I think Thursday before camp started.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yeah, it went great. We were really excited with the the the whole process. We prefabbed a lot of things and brought it to camp, ready to be installed, and it just went clean. Usually commercial plumbing does not go that well, it does not go that way, but we had good we had good bosses. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

Yeah, was the Lord the Lord and good bosses. The Lord, good bosses, and it didn't rain. It never is this dry. That's right. Winter and spring. And what's so crazy about this, it didn't rain. I mean, it rained very little this winter and spring. We got that inspection on Thursday. It started raining Saturday and rained for six straight days. And everything just rained back up, creeks filled back up. It's crazy. So let me let me um I I've known Corey. I think you were in eighth grade. I think you were in the eighth grade when I met you. You had a pinstripe suit on standing outside your church. I didn't meet you at camp, but I came and did something at your church. Yeah. And I remember meeting Corey. A little he's at so you got all these kids. Pretty contemporary church, as far as everybody's in, you know, shorts and and t-shirts, and Corey's got his Bible and a pinstripe suit. A chassis.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Pinstripe suit, yeah. Or something, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

So yeah, yeah. And I was like, who's this guy? We talk to this guy. And I went over there. I can still remember having a conversation with you and standing outside. There was an old church at Centergrove. There was the newer church, but there was like an old little building, and you were standing in front of that. So a lot of history. Um, but I and I know I know Corey's story, and I know a little bit of your story from Corey sharing it. Um, I know you must be an amazing human being.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

You must be that's what his dad tells me.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Hit the jackpot. Uh let's go. I know who won the lottery here. Um but I always tell people, I would okay, before we we only have four or five questions. I really want to help have y'all help us navigate.

SPEAKER_03 6:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

Because I think it'll be helpful. So many of our listeners are are in similar situations and struggling to figure out how do we do blended family. But um, I just um I just want you to know your husband's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 6:35

And he's but he's one of my most enjoyable friendships in life. Like I just always have fun. Me and Corey always have a good time, and uh he's one of the few people that's more out of the box than me.

SPEAKER_04 6:51

I feel like y'all are definitely cut from the same cloth.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

We are, and we've always gotten along so good. And I think, yeah, it's uh we kind of get each other. I think a lot of people don't get Corey, and I know a lot of people don't get me.

SPEAKER_03 7:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Well, you know what's funny is is like we talk about how it's the Lord that we didn't meet each other earlier in life, in like high school. She was wouldn't worked. No, no, not at a not a bit. Oh no. It was laughable how different we were.

SPEAKER_02 7:19

So I can we just okay, first let's y'all give a quick sort of overview of your family

How Their Blended Family Works

SPEAKER_02 7:28

dynamic. And then I've got like a few questions I'd like to just work through.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Do you want any backstory or or yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. Um you want to go first?

SPEAKER_04 7:36

Um, sure. So um I have two daughters, Elise and Ella. They're 15 and almost 13 now. Um, and so their dad is not involved at all anymore. So we they live with us full time. Um he actually lives in Atlanta, so we're not even close. Um, and Corey just has stepped in and been like such a good dad to them. And they've really, you know, taken to him since they were little. Um so they met. How old were they? Five, five and seven, maybe. Yeah. So he's really been there for for their whole lives.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Yeah. Well, one of the first times I got to hang out with Elise, the the eldest, she asked me because she knew that we were, you know, dating. And um, she said, uh, can I call you daddy? And I said, I want to tell you that that was like that means a lot to me that you would even think to say that, but I have not yet earned that right. And once you hold that, but um, yeah, yeah. And so, you know, because we've been dating less than a month at that point, and we had intended not to introduce our kids quite so early, but it just kind of accidentally um they they uh woke up. They woke up. Well, I was visiting her um in the evenings because that's one of the only times that we could hang out. I could go over to her apartment, she was a single mom. I didn't have the kids that week, you know. I'd go over and we watch a movie or whatever, and uh and then the kids dawdled out and we're like, woo.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Oops. Because you would get there after they're in bed and then leave, you know, to go home and they never saw you.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

And one of the you know, the tough parts of you know, trying to figure out a blend of family is when to do that because you don't want to get involved with somebody that's not gonna be good for your kids. And you also don't want you want to protect the kids and not introduce them to somebody who's not gonna be a permanent fixture.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Yeah, it makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

And and so that's you know, something that every blend of family has to face. So um anyway, my backstory is um uh with uh with my kids' mom, Rachel, um, we still live near each other. Uh so they're two weeks with her, two weeks with me back and forth. And and so that's my bio kids. I got three bio kids, and um they're well-rounded folks and and have enjoyed um just raising them. And when I was looking for a wife, it uh I just knew that I wanted them to have somebody that would um love them really, really well. And that was your

Unified Discipline And Equal Love

SPEAKER_01 10:15

heart too. That like when one of the rules of our house is that we would love each other's bio kids equally as our own and have permission to discipline as part of that love equally. So like if she says something and you know, my bio kids might not like it, or vice versa, well, that's the law, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

A parent has spoken. That is that's that's the perfect setup for what I think might be the biggest questionslash hurdle for for blended families, is and what we see in doing in counseling a lot of these situations is what you just described doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_03 10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

And so mom is defensive of her children and won't let dad deal with the discipline. But you know as good as I do, discipline requires a unified front between mom and dad. Yeah. So so if I'm hearing this, if I could articulate it this way, you would say it's as equally important for a uh a blended family for mom and dad to be unified in child discipline for both sets of kids as it would be for one all encompassing biofamily.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah, and with with grace to families that are blending later in life, you know, if if the kids are, you know, have a few more years in the house, if they're 15, you know, sure. That makes sense. Some some new parent isn't going to have that that rapport built on years of of of experiences and growing and that sort of thing. And and so we would say like that that's true for the younger living families.

SPEAKER_02 11:52

Um yeah, and with the older in an older kid situation, I think my what I typically counsel is the bio parent of those older kids is gonna have to really create the unification, like like support the new parent coming in and and then be willing to discipline. I also see one thing that we see a lot is when a kid gets to about 15, 16, they want to go live with the other parent.

SPEAKER_03 12:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Because all of a sudden there's rules here.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

Dad says I don't have to do that when I come over there. That's right. Or when I'm at mom's, I can watch whatever I want to. There's no phone restrictions. And so kind of the grass is greener on the other side. That's a different set of that's a different set of hurdles, but I think trying to preempt that, being unified not just in how I think what you said that's so important is you're unified not just in how we're gonna agree to discipline, but you're unified in how we're gonna love one another's kids. Yes. So those kids feel love.

SPEAKER_04 12:58

Yeah, and we really talk to the kids about it, like this is how we're gonna parent you. I'm gonna love you and treat you, you know, in the same ways that I'm gonna treat my biological children. No difference. I mean, individually they're different and require, you know, different things. Um, but the way I approach them, what I want for them, all equal.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Yeah. There's a, you know, there's a difficult parenting principle, regardless, that you hit on just now, that you don't, you're not being inconsistent to parent two kids differently.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Right.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

And I think a lot of parents get in trouble and don't know how to get themselves out of it because they're like, well, I did this with this child. I have to do it with this child to be consistent. And that is simply not true.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

It's not.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

Our job is to study the sh the bent of that kid, the personality makeup. One kid wilts, the other one bows up. Right. You know, you you got two kids, and when you go to to have a confrontational conversation or interaction, one kid shrinks and withers, and the other looks you holds eye contact and kind of crosses their own. You know, like okay, we're gonna have to deal with this differently.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

And I would imagine then what y'all are saying is just that's probably ramped up a little bit more even in this situation. Um, but that makes perfect sense. You remember uh when you were probably college age, we used to we used to watch when you were working at camp in the summers, we would watch these video, these homestar runner videos. Do you remember those? Yeah, I do. And there's one that's just this early internet comedic, goofy thing, but they this guy, he he's doing this cartoon where he's gonna write a kid's book. Yes. And he so what he does, instead of writing the kid's book, he takes a typical kid's book. It's like, you know, Pete and Jane are playing ball there in the yard, and blah, blah, blah. But then he like draws over it, creates a new scene, like stuff's on fire, bombs are moving off, and he rewrites the narrative. And there's one page where all the kids are there, and and it's like the last page of the book, and it's supposed to say, No two kids are not having fun. And he's like marked through it, and he's put flames on all of them, and it says, No two kids are not on fire. And I'm like, You get five kids to get no two kids are not on at any one given time, at least two of them are on fire. One's, you know, one's off the rails. And so these are critical, important things. Um, and and I would so what what are your girls' ages? 13 and 12? 13, 15 and 13. 15 and 13. Uh-huh. I mean, you in it.

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

In a perfect scenario, uh-huh. A 15-year-old girl, that is that there are days where that is the closest thing I get to being Catholic and believing in purgatory. That's right. I mean, because it's like a concoction of hormones and chemicals and emotions, and and so it's already challenging enough. I'm wondering how is that going as far as y'all's relationship as she's kind of going through teen years, still. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yeah. So, so all um the girls as they become a woman and and go through those changes, they've they've been a little bit um stand back from me, but breaks it's hard. It does. I and and Elise has come full circle in it, and she loves just walking up to me and just give me a hug. She's done it several times here. And uh man, it breaks my heart to see like when like a minute ago, like 30 minutes ago, a boy approached her at camp and traded numbers with her. And I was like, he's not good enough. Who can think he is? That's true.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Yeah. So I gotta work to that. That's rough.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Um okay, let me see. Let me I got a couple questions here. Okay, this is an important one, I think. How do y'all while like like while you're being intentional to care for one another's the needs of one another's bio kids, uh is there is there anything you would say about how you do that, and then what safeguards do you put in your own relationship so that you don't become frustrated or resentful? Like, how do you set sort of those parameters or standards? Like when like to I guess to be more blunt, when Corey misses the mark, when Britney misses the mark, and you're like, uh, that was I don't like the way that I know you've had that moment probably, like I don't feel like you handle that the best with my child. Um, what's that look like dealing with that

Marriage First Benefit Of Doubt

SPEAKER_02 17:33

conflict?

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Is is that just something you talk through or well one thing is we always give each other the benefit of the doubt. Um I think that's healthy for any marriage, whether they're blended or not. Um, and uh one of the biggest principles, biblical principles in the in the Bible is that that your your primary relationship in any marriage is that marriage, not the kids. Kids don't come first, and that's especially difficult for blending families because the kids were there first. You've got that relationship, and then you're introducing this spouse, and you're like, okay, kids now for the last few years, you were the primary relationship in my life after the divorce, but but now it's transitioning to my spouse. That's something that few blending families do well. Yeah, and I think that has been a like a cornerstone of our of our marriage. Yeah. And and we've tried to demonstrate that to the kids like, hey, you're not first here. So you need to take you know some some humility and and and not try to try to buck this.

SPEAKER_04 18:36

Yeah, I would also say that like he is the one for me, like for sure. And we communicate really well, going back to like the benefit giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Like, I trust what this man says. Like if he says, you know, I was too hard on her, or I shouldn't have done that, or this is the reason why I did that, like I believe him a hundred percent. Um, but yeah, there's definitely times that we have to talk through it. We trust each other. Um, there, you know, we give each other grace. We apologize to the kids if we need to apologize to a kid, um, and just to restore that relationship and just move on from there.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

That is gold. That is gold. And you're right, Corey, about like what you just described. That's the that's the map for a healthy first marriage, like any marriage. You got kids, you don't have kids. We can't have kids, we adopted kids. We only have bio kids, we're blended. Any of the above, you have to like this is like marriage principles. We have to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

We have to heap grace. I'm doing, I'm, I'm doing premarital counseling for two couples right now. Uh I've got a wedding next month and one the month after. And I and I've written my own premarital, like I don't use any books, I don't use weird charts and fill out this survey and I don't do any of that. But I've got a we walk through just deep principles of grace, communication, benefit of the doubt, what that looks like, and and scripture. And I think any any marriage could glean from that wisdom. I'm gonna I'm gonna extend grace, give the benefit of the doubt, and we're gonna trust each other. Yeah, we're gonna prove to be trustworthy, we're gonna earn and maintain that trust. That's that's gold. That's solid gold. Um, it's the the important principle of marriage principle there that's gospel connected is you go back to the first marriage, when it disintegrates in the garden, they be they become accusatory of each other. It's the opposite of I trust this man, I trust this woman. I'm not trying to cover his shame, I'm not trying to cover her guilt. It's um heaping that shame or that guilt or that accusation. Yeah. Um, and that's just good marriage counsel for anybody.

SPEAKER_03 20:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

But especially in this situation.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Well, to that end, like we sought a lot of counsel from other blended families. We went to a um a local blended family class um before we like while we were dating before we got married.

SPEAKER_03 21:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

And we we were just bent on learning from our mistakes. Because in my first marriage, we would have split ball fights and throw it throw things at each other and be unkind and unfair or crude. And I'm like, I don't want that in my first marriage. I wasn't um covering my first wife well in prayer. I was not um systematically praying and taking that that headship, leading the home, and um making sure that I exercise my spiritual authority in prayer in that marriage. I just left so many blind spots and I didn't want to carry that into this marriage. And so I before we tied the knot, I wanted to make sure that that was that was really changed. And that's I think why we're able to make it work.

Coparenting With Exes And Consistency

SPEAKER_02 22:00

How how important or how important and how difficult was it to sort of, I don't want to use the word disassociate, but deal with you've got this, I don't want to use weird words like baggage or attachment, but with these previous spouses, how difficult, how big of a hurdle is that? I know like what you're describing is maybe not as big a deal for you because there's uh two states between you, but in your situation, you're sharing custody. How is there, I mean, do you have any wisdom for people how to navigate that where you're on the same page, you're committed, you're showing one other grace, but we got to deal with this other person who has a different set of emotions, objectives, goals, and sometimes probably not the best intent.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

You know, and I want to be, you know, really charitable to my first wife and and not, you know, besmirch her in any way. Sure. But we disagree on a lot. We parent differently, we have different um worldviews um in terms of you know religion and and how we parent and uh our local community, just different things, but we we overlap in a lot of things. And I think it's important to like focus on those as as much as possible and to remind that to the kids like, hey, we're always going to protect you from bad dudes, we're always going to fight for that. So um, you know, your mom and I disagreeing a lot, but we're uh we want to see y'all grow up and be healthy to physically and otherwise. We want you to have healthy relationships with with food or um with the opposite sex or whatever with school and academics and becoming a well-adjusted young man or woman.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

Sure. You both have that goal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

I think it actually helps us be like more intentional with our time when we have Corey's kids and just stay consistent and have like a set of non-negotiables. Like we go to church on Sundays, we go to youth group, there's things that we are going to do every time you're at this house and then encourage those good habits. Like now uh they're driving, or the oldest one is driving. And if you're home on Sunday and you want to go to church, like now you can go to church, you know, and just kind of the consistency is really important when they're with us. And I also love this is unconventional, but we have them for a big chunk of time. Like I've never heard of another family do a two-week on two week off. And we love that because that really gives you more time to get settled in to, you know, maintain the things that we want to maintain during those two weeks and then you know, kind of send them back. And so I think that that's helpful.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

The kids were against that at first because we were doing a one-week one week schedule. And did you and their mom just say, Hey, let's try this? Yeah, and she didn't like it at first because it, you know, we we start missing the kids after the first week. And it's like, gosh. Um, but I said, I I lived in one house from from when I was one until I was I went to college. And you, my kids, move 52 times a year. And and it's stressful, and they have to remember to bring all their stuff. And I I there's this, you know, these this pair of shoes I'm gonna want to wear, and um, but my baseball stuff. Yeah, all that all that stuff you have to look back and forth. And if you have if you can cut that in half, it it works a lot better for us.

SPEAKER_02 25:30

Okay, listeners, just if you're in a blended week-on, week off situation, I think there's some wisdom in that.

SPEAKER_04 25:38

I would also say, just going back to that, when you do a week on, week off, you cling to that weekend you have with all the kids, right? And so when they start growing up and they're wanting to go off with their friends, well, you feel like, oh, this is my only weekend until they come back. But if you've got two weekends, sure, it makes it you like a little bit more, you can be more flexible.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

And where there's different rules in the house from one household to another, the kids, you know, if if you're doing just seven days, well, it takes them a few days to get house trained again. And then then it's time to go.

SPEAKER_04 26:13

It's probably not for everybody, but for our family at work.

SPEAKER_02 26:16

It makes sense. Hearing you explain it, it makes so much sense. The,

Second Chances And Gospel Shaped Marriage

SPEAKER_02 26:21

you know, when you talk about the like marriage being the biblical, sort of the biblical example of the gospel, like the the arena or the platform in life that we have to most exemplify the gospel. Christ loving the church, Christ washing the church with the water of the word, honor, respect, love, charity, grace, extended, you know, like would you say that I think you've kind of already answered this, but maybe elaborate in a second marriage, you realize you might be more attuned to the importance of that. Yeah. And that's where I think people have an opportunity if they could go, oh, we could get this right this time around.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Yeah. Or you get a a second chance at at getting it right, and and you've got to learn from the mistakes. If you go into your second marriage and you're like, oh, what an awful spouse I left, and you leave it at that, you're you're probably going to have a lot of the same issues. And if you don't work on yourself, you're you're blowing it. You're blowing it.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

That's a good word. Yeah, because most people come out of that first marriage, and if you like if you talk to that person, what they do is they tend to be just critical of their former spouse, as if this is all their fault. I just am a victim of circumstance. Or but if you take some ownership in that, it then I would think it then enable it helps you realize the importance of now bestowing that grace on this and what a gift. Yeah, second chance.

SPEAKER_04 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:01

Second opportunity.

SPEAKER_04 28:02

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

Not just chance, but opportunity to maybe to understand the gospel at an even deeper level.

SPEAKER_04 28:09

I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:11

I'm not trying to get into Facebook or bumper sticker theology, but God is a God of second chances. You know, like He just is. Yeah. Grace upon grace. Yeah. You know, He's long suffering. And so to have that opportunity. And I've gotten to watch it. I still remember when Corey's dad said, okay, there's a girl. He said, but and yeah, that's well, what was funny is he said, and I actually think she might be able to handle Corey. Like that was the first thing he ever said. And I don't know if you remember, but we met and got pizza or Mexican food or something.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

We all met up. I was hanging out, I was spending the night at Butch's, and um I was coming through, I was on the road, and I stopped off. And I'll do that a lot if I'm driving in the smell of the night, and I'm like, hey, I'm gonna come crash on the couch. And he's like, eh, we're gonna go get food with Corey and he's and his new lady, I think is what he said. You know, y'all were dating.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

That's fun.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

That's right. But I remember that night leaving, going, dang. Okay, the first thing that stood out was, dang, she's like a real normal person. Which is funny. Okay, is there anything that y'all think, okay, when we're in a situation like you've got here, here's how I want to end this. You've got a young couple, they come up to you. Look, two, two, two scenarios, and we'll be done. One is a young couple comes up to you and says, Hey, we're getting ready to get married, or you know, a young man says, Hey, there's a woman I'm interested in, but she's got a kid or a couple kids. And uh is there something that you're gonna like how do you navigate or counsel that person or that couple to begin that relationship? What do those first steps look like to get this course sort of charted to go down the path that y'all are on now?

SPEAKER_04 30:02

I think that kids, like in a blended situation, that is going to be the thing that you will disagree about the most. So I think if you aren't ready, even if you're like, oh, they're her kids, she can be the parent, or oh, they're his kids, he's gonna do the parenting, like that's just not what's practical. Like you have to be ready to be like a parental figure to these children. So you need to examine your heart and make sure that that's something that not only you're okay with, but something that you want, something that you like really desire. And that, like, because that's the most important thing is like someone's children. And if it's not, then like that's not the one for you.

SPEAKER_02 30:41

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like when I I never thought of this, but I appreciate it when y'all were talking about um in a in a first marriage, the the spouse relationship is first in in order of events. And so you place a priority on it because that's biblical, but we've got to be unified. And in this, I've never thought of that. It's the opposite.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

The parenting child relationship was first.

SPEAKER_04 31:08

Yeah, I've never known him without kids. Like I've only known him as a father. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

It's fascinating. Like we say in in first marriages, like the best thing that you can do, or the best gift you can give your children is a solid marriage. This is the best thing that we can give these kids too.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

And maybe even more critical, not I don't want to say I don't ever want to quantify, right? But it is in a different way, it is so critical that they they see redemption in this so that they're not because the statistics are staggering how many kids come out of divorced situations, then they go into have broken relationships.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

But uh, you've got an opportunity for a kid to go, oh, there's a contrast here. You can get this right if you understand where the gospel um comes into this relationship and the redemption. Okay, that's really helpful. So the second thing would be you're sitting down with a young couple, it's their first marriage, you know. Or when your kids are hopefully they want you to help speak into that and navigate. You know, I I mentioned I'm doing these two premarital counseling um deals right now. Um couple, both their parents are still married, both sets of parents are still married, two godly homes. I'm walking through that way differently than this other couple, both come from divorced situations. One of them, there's multiple divorces. So I'm I'm approaching that differently. And I know how I kind of walk through that, but what if if a if you're you got a young couple in your your D group, y'all call them community groups at your church in your community group, and they're like, okay, I think we're gonna, you know, I'm gonna get ready to pop the question, or we got engaged. What how do you walk into that? Like, what what do you say to a young couple? What do you think are the critical most important things?

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Well, I think

Premarital Warnings And Spiritual Fight

SPEAKER_01 33:03

that you know, statistically, that second couple is is more at risk for um for not making things work out in the long run. And so divorced um parents often lead to divorced kids because that's what they know. And um just statistically speaking, so you want to take some more care with that with that second couple. Um, and for both, I'm going to warn them from experience that the enemy has painted a target on your backs. Yeah, he hates healthy marriages and he is looking to sift you. Pray for each other, look for blind spots, don't give the enemy any quarter. Eradicate sin in your life, confess sin in your life. It does not belong in this marriage. And so uh I I have grave warnings when I'm doing premarital counseling. I've done it several times in our church. That's a lot. I uh probably more than other elders in our church, I'm leaning heavily more heavily on that. Um that this is this is now a fight. Okay. And and what did uh uh Adam call Eve in the garden? This is my my Azer, my my help in combat, uh, is where we get that Hebrew word when God's relationship to Israel. I said this is this is now you two with the help of the Lord fighting and eradicating the the advances of the enemy.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

That's good. Heck yeah. That'll preach. He's pretty smart for a dummy.

SPEAKER_04 34:35

Yeah, right? He doesn't look it, does he?

SPEAKER_02 34:38

He don't look it. Corey's a brilliant dude, and it's funny to hear me say that because but I've always thought he's a smart dude.

SPEAKER_03 34:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:45

I think what Corey does well, and I appreciate this about Corey, is he thinks through everything in detail critically, um, but with an abundance of grace and charity. So I think uh yeah, and I've learned that I've learned that from Corey, and I think if I could tell if I could tell people listening to this who are in a similar situation, I think you don't have to stop thinking critically, you don't have to stop evaluating and analyzing, but do that with an abundance of grace and charity so that the reason we're doing this is so we can be better, not so that we can nitpick or tear down, you know, and those blind spots you're talking about and uh and identifying those are so important. You really are a um the the love of the Lord is like very evident, you know, and in y'all's marriage, and and I don't know you very well, but it's very evident. You know, scripture says the spirit bears witness. It's like when two believers come together, the spirit is gonna bear witness. And we've all had that experience where you meet somebody and you're like, that that guy's gotta be a believer, or that lady's gotta be a believer. I just feel like I've got this bond with that person and and the evidence of the Lord. And I think that's why y'all's marriage is is is such a a picture of that gospel redemption grace, is because the love and joy of Jesus is flowing out of each of you. I think that's the word for people is like your marriage ain't gonna work if you ain't like if Jesus ain't flowing out of you every day.

SPEAKER_04 36:19

Exactly right.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

It ain't gonna work. That's right. You could be like my grandparents who stayed married 71 years. That's a successful marriage, but it was not a great marriage. Like you can grit your teeth and you know, we're gonna get through it. We're not we're divorce, not an option. That was kind of their mindset. And in their own way, it's beautiful. They made it 71 or 69 years, whatever it was. Get married at 21 and live to 90. There's something about that's powerful, you know. But then I look at their marriage, I don't want their marriage. Right. And the bottom line was Jesus oozed out of her, but not out of him. And so then it was, you know, and when two people are both pursuing Christ and surrendering to the Lord every day, they love each other differently.

SPEAKER_04 37:06

They do, they do, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:07

They do, they do. The love of the Lord overflows and into that other person's life and figure everything else out. Thank y'all so much. This was last minute. You're at camp, you got kids going in every direction. We got to get you back for lunch and wreck, and for y'all to say yes to this. I mean, I knew you'd say yes. I was hesitant. I was like, I don't want to do that to him. But I'm glad we did. That's okay. Thanks for having us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

Thanks

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SPEAKER_00 37:34

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