The Secret That Saved Our Sex Life - Episode 66

What if everything you thought you knew about sexual desire was keeping you from the connection you truly want? 

In this deeply personal episode, we pull back the curtain on our journey through years of sexual disconnect and the breakthrough understanding that finally changed everything.

Drawing from Emily Nagoski's revolutionary books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together," we explore the game-changing concept of sexual "accelerators and brakes" – the hidden forces that either spark or stifle desire.

The most profound revelation? Sometimes, your biggest sexual brake might be your partner's approach or expectations. 

Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire or simply want to deepen your connection, this episode offers a path forward.

Ready to transform your intimate relationship? The understanding waiting in this episode might be exactly what you've been searching for all along.

Grab Your Copy of "Come Together" by Emily Nagoski HERE  

Transcript

Meet Tammy and Joel

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to the Married and Naked Podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married and Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.

Speaker 2 0:09

And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.

Speaker 1 0:15

We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast. Hi everybody, hi, babe.

Speaker 2 0:28

Hey sweetheart, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 0:30

I'm doing good.

Speaker 2 0:32

What have you been up to today, baby?

Speaker 1 0:34

Today I've been doing some fun things. I went and well, I went to the gym.

Speaker 2 0:39

Sorry, I'm laughing because I remember the first thing you did today Go ahead.

Speaker 1 0:42

I went to the gym. That's not so fun, especially since right now I'm doing it at 6 am, which means I need to be up very early to get there, and yeah, that's rough, but also it's kind of cool to get it out of the way. But before anything else happens, I've already knocked out a workout, which is very, very cool. And then, after I took our son to school, I went and played pickleball today. So it's pickleball day, which is a great day.

Speaker 2 1:09

That's awesome.

Speaker 1 1:10

Yeah, and then had lunch with my sister. Her and I play pickleball together, so that was really fun and then just doing a little bit of work when I got home, but I like pickleball day.

Speaker 2 1:20

Pickleball day, early morning, gym day this is only your. What your second or third time waking up at?

Speaker 1 1:25

It's my second time I'm getting up at. I think I got up at 5.20 this morning, which I know a lot of people get up at 5.20, but to get up intentionally to go and get my butt kicked by the my trainer, it's, it's hard to do and I'm, I'm there all by myself with her thinking what? What am I thinking? Why am I doing?

Speaker 2 1:45

You're thinking, what am I thinking? I love it.

Speaker 1 1:48

Exactly, that's a great way to start the day, I think.

Speaker 2 1:51

I love it. Well, if you followed your effort list, this was something on your list, right? Well it's working.

Speaker 1 1:57

It's me working towards being in the best shape of my life, which is on my list. Also, getting toned is on there. I have a few about being healthy, so that's all working towards that, yeah.

Speaker 2 2:08

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, the effortless, it's the podcast part of this one. Make sure you listen to it because it is so cool, especially if you're somebody like Tammy, who this is truly, as I mentioned on that podcast, life-changing for you. It really is. You look really tired right now as you look at me.

Speaker 1 2:24

Oh my gosh, that's what your mother used to say to me all the time. Okay, whenever your mom would say that, it would just be like a dagger to the heart, like when you say you look tired. Really what you're saying is you look kind of like crap.

Speaker 2 2:38

First of all, that is not what I'm saying. I am not my mother, but I know you and I know how you typically are at this time of day and you don't look like this normally. But you did wake up super early, you did go play pickleball, you left it all out there, you came home, you worked, and so you're a little spent right now. You're going to go to bed a little early tonight, aren't we?

Speaker 1 2:59

Absolutely, you know, I am.

Speaker 2 3:02

I know you are so let's knock this out. All right, yeah, let's knock this out.

Speaker 1 3:07

Today's episode is coming in inspiration from a book that Joel and I are reading. I've talked about Emily Nagoski before on our podcast, many, many episodes ago. I discovered her through a book called Come as you Are that I read in 2020. Late 2020, I discovered that book.

Speaker 1 3:27

You and I were having a hard time. I was looking for help and answers and I came across that book and I feel like it changed our lives. It was such an impactful book for us in understanding how female desire works and understanding, accepting each other's desire levels. It was just a completely eye-opening book. And she just came out with a brand new book called Come Together and, of course, I couldn't wait to buy it. When I saw she released that book and I read chapter one and then I came to you and I said I think maybe you should read this book too, like this is really good stuff. I feel like she's talking to us directly and you were game. You've been listening to it in your car on your long drives to do, to work, and you are way ahead of me. Then I'm holding on like chapter maybe three.

Speaker 2 4:25

So I just crossed over chapter seven today.

The Car Analogy for Sexual Desire

Speaker 1 4:28

Yes, but you felt like this was a really good topic to discuss and I agree. Today we're talking about desire and the things that may be keeping us from having the sexual relationship we want. That's what we're going to talk about today.

Speaker 1 4:43

In her book, come as you Are, I was introduced to the idea of thinking of desire as like a car. She uses a car analogy where you have an accelerator, you have the gas pedal and then you have the brake pedal. I had kind of forgotten a little bit about that concept until reading you're reading this new book and you came to and said, oh yeah, remember about the accelerators and the brakes. I think that's a good thing to talk about, because it's something I don't really think about and I think we need to think about it more, especially for couples who are really struggling in the space of meeting each other's sexual needs, having a lot of conflict in that area, or just women like me who's feeling like my desire level is really low, even though I'm not going to say that that's the truth anymore. It was just different than yours. But we have learned that there are things that can accelerate a person's desire or can shut it down.

Speaker 2 5:50

Sure, I feel like I remember exactly where I was when you even brought this concept to me. We were sitting on our couch upstairs and you were literally telling me about this accelerator and brake things and of course, I'm like you know. It was a frustrating time for us at that time. It was heartbreaking.

Speaker 1 6:06

Yes, we were not in a good place.

Speaker 2 6:07

Yeah, and it was. So you weren't, as like, willing to open to hearing this stuff, yeah, but then, when you started saying some of the analogies to what that meant, it was like oh, oh, wow, yeah, and especially the breaks more than anything.

Speaker 1 6:25

And can you give us some examples of Well, before I do that, Emily says that brakes, more than anything, are what affect desire. They tend to be a lot stronger than the accelerators. So we're thinking about what things rev the engine and what things shut it down. These can be anything. They can be memories, they can be feelings, sensations, things you see, smell, hear.

Accelerators vs. Brakes in Relationships

Speaker 1 6:53

One of the things that's good to know and recognize about the accelerators and the brakes is that they're most often, or oftentimes, not the same for a couple. So the things that are accelerators for you aren't necessarily for me, and vice versa. And same with brakes the things that are brakes for me aren't necessarily brakes for you. So accelerators for me are hard for me to. If I'm going to be honest, accelerators are hard for me to find. I don't feel like I have a lot of things that rev me up, but I think if I'm going to pick something I would say a good rom-com, a good romantic movie, a glass of wine, those are accelerators for me. Accelerators for me are letting go of brakes, and we'll talk about those.

Speaker 1 7:47

But I think, because we have had such a history of me feeling broken in that space, I don't really know a lot of my accelerators. For me it's like, once we get going, then the accelerator is there. But if I'm looking for accelerators prior to intimacy, I have a hard time finding that. If that makes sense, that's what's called responsive desire. I have responsive desire, whereas when we get going, then the desire comes. It doesn't tend to show up ahead of time, and I think that's part of the challenge for me is we're talking and trying to talk about accelerators, thinking about it as what's going to get you going before we're actually in the act, whereas I don't really work that way right now in my life. I'm more like let's get going and then the desire shows up. For you. It's a very different kind of a thing.

Speaker 2 8:48

Oh, you think you know my accelerators.

Speaker 1 8:50

I think I know that you have spontaneous desire, which is very different. Many, many men have spontaneous desire. Many, many women have responsive. It's not all, it's not across the board, but many will be able to relate to you. You have a lot of accelerators and they just show up without you thinking about it, like me, walking across the room. I don't even have to be without clothing. It could be your favorite pair of jeans or it could be.

Speaker 2 9:21

Can we get the ding button?

Speaker 1 9:22

going. A certain look, I give you. It could be something sexy on TV. It could be us talking about intimate moments that we've had. You have a lot of accelerators.

Speaker 2 9:35

As we're talking about this, it's really interesting I don't know if you're at the chapter yet in her new book Come Together. And it's really interesting because she's talking about desire versus pleasure, and really the ultimate goal isn't so much to search for desire, to find desire, to have desire, it's really to have pleasure and to find pleasure. And so even if you just say that word, that word is a shift too in your thoughts versus oh, I have to have desire, I need to be desired, I need to feel desired. Versus oh, where's my pleasure? How do I find pleasure? What is my pleasure?

Speaker 1 10:13

Well, I think that it goes back to what I was saying. Is for us that word? To me, honestly, that word is like a bad word in a relationship.

Speaker 1 10:21

It doesn't bring any kind of good feeling, because it was always, I felt, used in a way that you don't have it. What's wrong with you? I don't like that word, yeah. So her making that switch and me feeling broken because I'm supposed to feel something. I don't feel something. Desire is supposed to be here, like it is for him. Her switching it to, rather than having to find something that is elusive. It's then instead being able to make a choice as to whether or not you are open in that moment to exploring pleasure. I like that way better.

Speaker 2 11:04

It was after that chapter that I came to you and I said, tammy, everybody needs to hear this book, or everyone needs to read this book.

Speaker 1 11:09

Definitely. I think everybody needs both books. But that switch is a big, big switch for me and I like that a lot.

Speaker 2 11:17

Yeah.

Speaker 1 11:17

It gives me back a sense of control, rather than me feeling like I'm trying to find something I cannot find.

Speaker 2 11:25

Yeah yeah, the whole accelerator and brake still holds true though, of course, but what we're searching for is totally.

Speaker 1 11:36

I don't think it's a search You're right.

Speaker 2 11:37

I think that's the difference, you're right.

Speaker 1 11:39

Before. I was trying to find a desire that would not show up that effort in itself. A ginormous brake, yeah Huge. It's something that's not there. I'm supposed to be feeling it. I feel pressure, pressure is a break absolute probably the biggest break that I feel is feeling pressured either by you and your pressure is not you need to do it with me kind of pressure. It's. Why don't you feel this kind of pressure?

Speaker 2 12:13

Yeah.

Finding Pleasure Instead of Desire

Speaker 1 12:14

That is a big, big off button for me.

Speaker 2 12:17

Or I don't even have to say that it's not even saying so much. Sometimes it's just me looking a certain way.

Speaker 1 12:22

Well, it could be both. I mean, I have a lot of breaks Like me being hot or being more cold than anything. The door needs to be locked, the kids not being around where they can hear things. Those are breaks for me. I'm feeling like I've got a lot of work waiting for me. That's a big break. Like the mental load are big breaks for me. Being late at night, being too early, being too tired, knowing I've got to get up too early.

Speaker 2 12:47

You know, it's easy to rationalize it when you're having a conversation like this and to see oh my gosh, well, I can totally see all those breaks, but when you're in it, sometimes it feels bad to you, it feels bad to your partner.

Speaker 1 13:03

Oh, you would be so irritated with me because of all the breaks that you would have to go through, like a checklist of making sure all these things are handled before my brain is willing to say, okay, I can be here with you now.

Speaker 2 13:16

Hearing this book and actually it's long before this book and then having that realization like, oh, all these checklists that I've said for the very long time, either jokingly or okay, we got to have this right, this right, light, right, light, right, you know, and I was making light of it, to say, oh, that's what's hopefully will get you to come around, I was like, oh crap, even just saying all that, Made me feel bad. Made you feel bad, which is a break. Another break yeah.

Speaker 2 13:42

And so it was. So it was such a great eye opener. You have a lot of breaks and not as many accelerators, and how do you work within that?

Speaker 1 13:51

If the desire is to, or the hope is to, have more sexual encounters you know that are have more pleasure then hopefully, the effort then is to figure out how do we minimize these breaks that are showing up for us all the time and find more accelerators, but, more than anything, be able to shut down some of these breaks, if that's the goal.

Speaker 2 14:18

You're right. I mean, it doesn't have to be the goal.

Speaker 1 14:20

If you're happy where you're at and you guys are both feeling good and connected and you're finding a nice middle ground. But for us connected and you're finding a nice middle ground, but for us we were both on very opposite pages and that was seriously damaging our relationship.

Speaker 2 14:35

Yeah, I feel like I don't want it to come off like just because I had a higher and you did not, and why don't you have more and I should have more? I think you just said it. You're trying to meet in the middle. Well, we weren't at the time Correct, but I'm saying the goal trying to meet in the middle.

Speaker 1 14:48

Well, we weren't at the time.

Speaker 2 14:49

Correct, but I'm saying the goal is to meet in the middle.

Speaker 1 14:53

Now we have an understanding like that's the goal. But then the understanding or the thought was I needed to come to you, I needed to match where you were at.

Speaker 2 15:03

And you were broken.

Speaker 1 15:05

Because I couldn't and you felt I needed to match you. And then I felt like I'm supposed to come all the way, your way, and something is wrong with me.

Speaker 2 15:13

I remember when you sat me down for that chapter in the book years ago and then I remember at the end you literally being a different person and you referenced that book I think more than any other book on the podcast.

Speaker 1 15:28

Because the number one argument we were having was related to sex. We could not get past it. No matter all the other growth we did, it hung us up.

Speaker 2 15:38

And you felt like you were finally seen by someone.

Speaker 1 15:43

A hundred percent. She made me feel completely seen, completely normal. There's nothing wrong with me.

Speaker 2 15:50

Did this book change our relationship? It really did.

Speaker 1 15:56

I think what we realized from regarding the accelerators and brakes and I don't want this to come off harsh, we've talked about this many times, so-.

Speaker 2 16:00

Okay, my arms are crossed, go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 1 16:02

You know this, but it is vulnerable to be able to say things like this out loud.

Speaker 2 16:07

I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah.

When Your Partner Is Your Brake

Speaker 1 16:14

It's hard to talk about this stuff because, truly, it wrecked us for a really long time. So it's hard to talk about those hard times and also like, wow, we've come a really long way. But I've come to realize and I think you have too that my number one break was you and your approach to me. Yeah, yeah, it was a lack of understanding and a sense of me always feeling like I was supposed to be someplace. I'm not. And the minute you were able to let that go and take the pressure off and come from a place of true like understanding of me and like acceptance, I get this about you. I understand your, I understand how this works. I get your desire. I get that you're responsive. There was suddenly no sense of shame about it anymore. And then everything has changed and now I feel free and at ease to find desire in places I never could before, to find desire in places I never could before, and it's changed our relationship dramatically. How does that feel? Me saying that?

Speaker 2 17:35

Well, it makes me feel two feelings. The first one is I'm very, very, very grateful that I have somebody like you that takes the time to want to improve for yourself, for us, make us better. I feel so grateful for that. I was there and got to experience that reverse side because you took the time to read the book and then shared it with me. I know it takes a willing partner and an open mind and truth. Looking in the mirror and hey, where am I at this moment. You know what I mean. I know it takes all that, but but it was your act that I don't want to say force that change, but really put that change in front of us where I could actually make it. That's the first feeling I'm so grateful. The second thing is I do get concerned. I don't want, whether it be a man or a woman who's on the like, experiencing what we experienced, to weaponize what you just said and say see, this is your fault, that I'm feeling this way.

Speaker 2 18:37

I don't. So I do get a little nervous about that, because you say this to every person that comes up to you Like it takes two in a relationship. You know it starts with you to make the change and then it goes from there, but it has to start with you A hundred percent. You always say that to people. It does take you. You were the one who were making the changes for you. You wanted to improve you and then I'm just the partner that I want to improve with you. I want to.

Speaker 2 19:04

I want to be with you, I want to be with you, I want to grow with you and and I'm hoping that when other people hear what you just said that I was your biggest break that the only reason you knew that must be because you finally got an understanding of it. I don't want people to do that and then turn to their spouses and go see. It's you the reason why, when we're sharing with you the truth here, even when you brought it to me, you're right, I was defensive, I didn't. It's you the reason why, when we're sharing with you the truth here, even when you brought it to me, you're right, I was defensive, I didn't. That's not me. This is you. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 19:35

And then, as time went on and I started doing my own deep dive and staring in the mirror and it wasn't overnight at all- I think it is very important, first of all, to recognize that you can't go to somebody and say, see, this is your fault, look what you're doing and expect to get some kind of positive reaction. That was my job is to learn how to approach you with things that I was feeling in a way where you were able and willing to hear it. And, on the other end, I do think it's really important to recognize that if your partner is bringing to you something it's feeling like it's something you're doing wrong, your natural reaction is to be defensive about it and try to argue how it's not the case. But I think it's really important to work really hard to set those defenses aside and recognize that if they're bringing you something, that means something is off.

Speaker 2 20:36

Yeah.

Speaker 1 20:37

Even if you don't see it or you don't agree with it, whether or not you agreed ever that about my responsive desire or how desire works for me, when I would always tell you the things that work for you don't work for me. Or just because I'm not like turned on of you walking across the room doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you, like these things that we would constantly argue about. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean that it's not valid for me. So if I'm bringing to you a feeling like like whatever, I'm not being heard or seen, even if you don't agree, that's something that you need to step back and say okay, this is how she's feeling, even though I agree. How can I do a better job of hearing and listening to her?

Speaker 1 21:24

So I'm trying to, I guess, go against what you're saying, not against. I'm trying to recognize what you're saying about weaponizing and somebody coming out their partner and saying, see, this is it. But there's two sides to how that conversation can go. You don't ever want to approach a conversation that way and the hope is that your partner is going to be able to hear you on the other side. And this happened over years for us, you know, long before this book we were working on this Long, long, long before.

Speaker 1 21:56

This just happened to be one book that felt transformative and allowed us to actually start putting things to bed.

Speaker 2 22:03

Yeah, because we've shared in the past that we've overcome so many other things in our relationship. But yeah, the sex was the. I mean it was like the last frontier for us to be on the same page. It really was.

Communication: The Path to Connection

Speaker 1 22:18

Meaning to come to like a real, clear understanding and acceptance and stop judging each other for not being where we wanted their partner to be. I wanted you to be less, I wanted you to not have to want every day, you know, and you wanted me to want more. And until we could figure out how to come to an understanding and an acceptance of that about each other without bitterness attached to it, there was no growth that could be happening.

Speaker 2 22:46

Absolutely. And this book, come as you Are, was that turning point for us? And this book right now, come Together. I truly feel like I'm telling you if you're in a relationship, you guys, you need to listen to this book.

Speaker 1 23:04

I just want to say that thank you, because back when I 20, 25 years ago or whatever, when I found the book, you didn't have a real openness and again, we weren't in a great place, but you didn't really have an openness to wanting to read it yourself.

Speaker 1 23:23

You would, you know, just tell me what you're, what you want me to hear, kind of thing yeah and then now, after all the work we've done over the last five years and fixing this particular problem, now you're so open to reading it on your own. You're like, way the heck in front of me. You're reading and listening to it in the car. You've got stuff you want to share with me about what you've heard. It's just really really nice.

Speaker 2 23:51

You know, I will say I I really really love you and I really really. I mean it sounds so corny, but I really love our sex life more now than I ever have in my life.

Speaker 2 24:05

And and I think the reason for that is is because so many of those shackles that we had and we're not perfect and we fall into old habits and we fall into old fears that you know pop up for us but to move out of them we're so much quicker and it's so wonderful because we truly have come together to meet each other's needs where we're at.

Speaker 1 24:32

You know. What's interesting, though, is our actual sex life really hasn't changed.

Speaker 2 24:40

No, it really hasn't Our frequency it hasn't changed. No.

Speaker 1 24:59

But yet you and I both feel like we are in the best place we've ever been in our sex life. No shame about how we are letting go of that, letting go of all the pressure. That's what's changed. That's what's allowed us to find a connection rather than a combat that we were always feeling about it. Our actual sex life is the same, but it's made us feel so much closer and connected and free and loved and accepted, and that's really interesting to me.

Speaker 2 25:33

It is. You said that not too long ago. I said, you know, off the air. You know, you said off the air and I was like, oh you're right, it really hasn't changed much. But my-.

Speaker 1 25:42

What you always wanted was seemingly more.

Speaker 2 25:46

Right.

Speaker 1 25:47

But that hasn't necessarily happened.

Speaker 2 25:50

No, I feel like we're so much more connected. I don't feel like it's it's a burden to you. I don't feel like I'm coming to you in making you feel bad to have sex with me or having to pursue all the time to pursue all the time having to pursue all the time or feeling bad for okay, I know she's not, but let me you know.

Speaker 1 26:16

I don't, I don't, I don't ever have those moments anymore.

Speaker 2 26:17

Yeah, I really don't. I can't think of the last time I had a moment like that.

Speaker 1 26:20

Me too, I feel grateful for all the work that we've done. It's made a massive impact and I really feel like I owe it, starting to this book or not this book, but her first book.

Speaker 2 26:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1 26:34

Yeah, for sure. I was saying how one thing, one reason that our sex life is better is because of how we communicate about it.

Speaker 2 26:44

I mean we originally started talking about accelerators or brakes, right? Mean we originally started talking about accelerators or brakes, right? I feel like I didn't know all your brakes in the beginning. When you sat me down and started talking about it, I was, you know, I had this list of them. You got to be comfortable. You gotta get this.

Speaker 1 27:00

You gotta be that I think it's how you, like you knew the brakes, though, because you would give me this checklist it's how you perceived those breaks.

Speaker 2 27:09

Exactly. I didn't know that these were true things that were preventing you from moving on the other side of the door.

Speaker 1 27:19

They were just annoyances to you, yeah exactly.

Speaker 2 27:22

They were just like oh my gosh, I got to do this, Let me get this ready. And it was more like a chore versus oh, wait a minute. Oh, these are preventing her from feeling comfortable, preventing her from allowing herself to relax, and if you're not relaxed, what do I think is going to happen?

Speaker 1 27:46

It's more like you found a respect for that rather than you being bugged by it, yeah, yeah. And also your biggest desire, or what you always tell me, is that you want me to be happy and find pleasure myself, and I can't do that without all those things. So you being able to lean into that and wanting me to enjoy myself, perceiving it that way, I think, gave you some perspective. That kind of shifted how you're thinking about this checklist.

Speaker 2 28:21

Yeah, these breaks are really important.

Speaker 1 28:23

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 28:24

For us.

Speaker 1 28:24

Respect for it. Yeah For us.

Speaker 2 28:26

Yeah, yeah, so you're right, it was the perspective I had towards these uh sort of the breaks and just because they're things that you don't understand doesn't mean they're not really big.

Starting Meaningful Conversations About Sex

Speaker 1 28:36

For me, going back to our big shift coming from our ability to really communicate in a really good, healthy, open way about all these things that we were learning good, healthy, open way about all these things that we were learning I believe that in order to have a very close, intimate relationship, you need to be able to talk about sex. You have to be. I think that if you are having the same kinds of issues that we were having, the place to start is to be able to open up communication about sex. So many couples don't talk about it and it's going to limit your ability to be as close and connected as you may desire to be connected as you may desire to be. So I think that opening up the communication about it is a really great place to start.

Speaker 1 29:33

Now, some people have never talked about good, you know deep stuff. So jumping right into sex is probably a landmine and maybe not a place to go. So you might want to start just by doing, like the couples, questions like the cards that I have, just taking them on date night, making it fun. They're not about sex, they're just fun questions to ask each other. Maybe that's a great way to step into being able to communicate with each other a little bit better and kind of a fun laid back kind of a way. But if you are open to talking about sex with each other you have talked about it you might want to approach the idea of accelerators and brakes by asking each other some questions. Maybe have a date night where we're going to talk about sex tonight and ask each other the question what are your brakes, why, what are your accelerators and why on both sides.

Speaker 2 30:24

Try to be no judgment.

Speaker 1 30:26

Yes, there are rules Whenever you be no judgment. Yes, there are rules. Whenever you're having conversations like this, there are definite rules, and one is making sure that you're both in a good, open space. You don't wanna be having these conversations in the middle of, like, an argument or tension or anything like that. You wanna find a good time for this. You definitely wanna come at it with an open mind and you absolutely have to put judgment aside, just as you're saying.

Speaker 2 30:52

I just want to remind, like you're married to this individual. When you got married, it was excitement, it was joy. You put the ring on your finger, you said the vows, Like take that same mindset into a discussion like this. Just remember why you're there, why you started, how it all started, I don't know. Just you know, ground yourself in that because we have so much compassion and heart when we think about oh yeah, this is a person I said yes to, this is a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not this is my enemy and this is my person. Who's preventing me from doing this or that? I don't know. I just like change your perspective.

Speaker 1 31:33

Approach the conversation with compassion, yeah there we go.

Speaker 2 31:36

That's a much easier way to say it. Approach it with compassion.

Speaker 1 31:40

I think that's a very good, a very good tip. Think about being accepting of your partner's answers and I know that's really hard to do, but it's going back to what I said before how just because you may not agree doesn't mean it's not a true feeling for them and it's not valid. And if the conversation turns heated, it's time to take a break and revisit it at another time. So approach these conversations with some delicacy.

Speaker 1 32:08

One thing I always heard people say whenever I post questions couples questions on Instagram is people will always be like well, this is the way to start an argument, which isn't how we've gone about our questions. Don't start arguments with each other, so I always have a hard time putting myself in that place, but for some people and some couples it does. It's very sensitive, there's a lot of defensiveness, so it does. So I just want you to be very careful and aware of that and if you need to start in a more sensitive place, start in a more careful and sensitive place, but the ultimate idea being how can we be more open with each other about our sex lives so that we can begin to talk about some of these accelerators and brakes and we can begin to move towards the, so we can move towards a sex life that we've always desired to have.

Speaker 2 33:01

I can't stress enough how valuable the knowledge has been in these two books, how it transformed our relationship. Do yourself and your relationship a favor Go out and get one or both of these books and truly invest in your relationship.

Speaker 1 33:19

Thank you, baby, thank you for reading it, thanks for being open and talking about it with me. It's just, it's awesome. I love it.

Speaker 2 33:28

It is it, I'm very grateful.

Speaker 1 33:30

I'm happy that I have a partner who's willing to do that, and I really appreciate that.

Speaker 2 33:37

I appreciate you my love so much, so you know it.

Speaker 1 33:41

All right. Well, I think that'll wrap it up for today. Go have discussions about your accelerators and brakes and find ways to minimize those brakes.

Speaker 2 33:50

Yeah, so that you can get closer to getting married, and naked, sorry.

Speaker 1 33:56

Exactly. All right, that'll do it for today. We'll talk to you next time on the Married and Naked podcast. Bye, everybody.