Ep. 304: When Your Teen Says, “Mom, I’ve Got This!”

“Mom, I’ve got this!” But are you ready to step back? As our teens take more responsibility for managing their food allergies, knowing when to hold on—and when to let go—can be tough.

Food allergy advocate, parent, and CoFAS board member, Lori Winslow, joins us to share practical strategies for helping our teens build confidence, independence, and the skills they need to manage food allergies on their own.

Resources to keep you in the know:

• FAACT's Behavioral Health Resource Center
• FAACT's Parents: How to Listen to Your Children and Teens When They Are Ready to Talk to You About Their Mental Health

You can find FAACT's Roundtable Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Pandora, Spotify, Podbay, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Sponsored by: Genentech

Thanks for listening! FAACT invites you to discover more exciting food allergy resources at FoodAllergyAwareness.org!

Transcript

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Caroline: Welcome to FAACT's Roundtable, a podcast dedicated to navigating life with food allergies across the lifespan. Presented in a welcoming format with interviews and open discussions,

each episode will explore a specific topic, leaving you with the facts to know or use.

Information presented via this podcast is educational and not intended to provide individual medical advice.

Please consult with your personal board certified allergist or healthcare providers for advice specific to your situation.

Hi, everyone. I'm Caroline Moassessi and I am your host for the FAACT Roundtable podcast. I am a food allergy parent and advocate and the founder of the Grateful Foodie blog.

I'm also FACT's Vice President of Community Relations.

Before we start today's podcast, we just want to say thank you to Genentech for being a kind and generous sponsor of FAACT's roundtable podcast.

Have you heard this before,

Mom? I've got this.

But are you ready to step back?

As our teens take more responsibility for managing their food allergies,

knowing when to hold on and knowing when to let go can be tough.

Food allergy advocate, parent and CoFAS board member Lori Winslow joins us today to share practical strategies for helping our teens build confidence, independence, and the skills they need to manage food allergies on their own.

Welcome, Lori, to FAACT's roundtable podcast. It is very exciting to have you here. I have known you for a long time. You're considered one of the OGs in the food allergy community in terms of support and advocacy and sharing your parenting with us.

So I think this is going to be a fabulous conversation. So welcome.

Lori: Thank you, Caroline. I'm excited to be here with you to chat a little bit. And I will say,

like you said, being one of the OGs when our family first started this food allergy journey,

that the Grateful Foodie, in fact, were my top go tos for information.

So I appreciate y'all.

Caroline: 

Oh, that warms my heart. I love hearing that just adore you and learn so much from you. And I think that's a big takeaway in this community too. We constantly learn from each other and constantly doesn't matter where you are in life or how long you've been dealing with allergies,

we're constantly learning from each other. So glad you're here.

Lori: Thank you.

Caroline: Before we dive in, let's start with your family's story.

So can you share how food allergies became part of your world and tell us a little bit about your family, local leadership, and then the journey that you've all shared together?

Lori: Sure.

I live in a small town in Northeast North Carolina with my husband, my 18 year old son. Well, he's off to college now, but 18 year old son and my dogs.

My professional background, I received a bachelor's in psychology and worked primarily in the mental health and developmental disabilities field.

I went from full time to part time to stay at home mom and then eventually went back into the workforce when my son was in high school for a few years.

Well, he has started college this year on the opposite side of the state,

but he is happy, he's thriving. He's eating in the cafeteria,

so that's wonderful.

But he's active in college activities,

clubs and sports.

His sophomore year in high school, he actually applied to a residential math and science school for high school juniors and seniors. It was three hours away from our home and if he was accepted that meant he was going to live in the dorm.

So it was three hours away in a large city. He got accepted. There's approximately 700 students in this school for two grades versus around 550 at home for grades nine through 12.

And once he was accepted we had like four months before he was going to leave out.

But he got there, he was happy. His junior year he had a random roommate.

Senior year he actually lived with two great friends of his in a three bed dorm room.

So that was a pretty big deal. But he lives an active life. He enjoys sports that's included some travel teams, some school teams and now he's doing intramural teams in college.

So that's a small preview of his life.

So I started out with how my son is living instead of my son has a food allergy and the reason being is although that is a big part of his everyday and it's a serious medical condition,

our children live life, they're so active, and they are not defined by their food allergy. And so my point is that try to find ways to explore how to make things happen,

participate in travel, participate in events, just live your life.

I will say that our food allergy journey began when my son ate a PB and J.

Long story short, he was diagnosed when he turned 3, and my husband and I knew of no one in our small town with a food allergy.

But that leads us to advocacy because we started with food allergy fundraising walks in Virginia Beach, which was an hour away,

but it was the closest to us.

From there, I joined the support group in that same area. Again, that was the closest to us.

And from the support group, my son and I made some wonderful friends. He met some kids with food allergies, and that was great.

I went on to accept an offer to be on the board with the Coastal Food Allergy Support Group, which serves coastal Virginia and northeast North Carolina. So I've been on the board for several years, serving as treasurer and community liaison.

This led me to the FAACT Leadership Summit, to Camp Tag, and to Teen Retreat.

So in addition to all these organizations, there's also been advocacy with school,

where our son was the first in our district to have a 504.

So that is a bit of our

Caroline: story, now that I think of it, Lori, that's where we met was at the FAACT Leadership Summit.

Lori: Yes.

Caroline: Isn't it amazing when you think of when our kids were diagnosed way back then,

and we literally were the only person we ever knew who had food allergies. And now,

unfortunately, the condition's much more prominent. But also there's so much more information out, and there's just, like the support group you're a part of. And so we've really grown,

but there's still more things to be done, Still a lot of good learning and learning from each other. But I love listening to your progression, and I love how you're also sharing your thought process and, you know, and that's what we're going to dive into right now.

So actually, let's just dive into it, because I think one of the things I admire so much in you is you're very thoughtful about how you raise your children and how you engage with food allergies and you engage with your community.

And I think there's so much we can learn.

Lori: Oh, absolutely. No, I learned a lot from other parents and organizations, and that was amazing because it was scary.

We found out two other kids, one had a strawberry allergy and one had a nut allergy at school, and that was it. And then we were told,

no, you can't have a 504. And I was like, oh, yes, I can. You know, it's just crazy.

Caroline: But I love. You're the kind of person that was like, no, yes, I can, and let's go.

Which is fantastic. And you started to pave the way for others, and then these people are now paving the way for the people behind them. So I can see how we're just on this one continual path together at different levels, reaching back to help someone or pushing someone up forward.

But I just think it's so cool we have each other.

Lori: Yes, yes, absolutely.

Caroline: Now, let's just jump right into the conversation.

When a teen says,

mom, I've got this,

what do you think goes through a parent's or caregiver's mind,

Is it pride,

panic, relief, or maybe just a little bit all of the above?

Lori: Oh, I think it's a bit of everything.

So I feel like sometimes we just seem to feel like they got to the stage in the blink of an eye. Some parents may not feel like that, but everything happens so fast and we are trying to keep our children safe.

We want to teach them all we want them to know so they can eventually spread their wings.

So I think the goal is for them to feel comfortable, to shine and become independent people.

And as parents and caregivers, I think it can be difficult for us to transition that care.

Not because we're worried about our child's ability,

but we've been in the driver's seat for so long and relinquishing control and passing that responsibility on is a big deal.

So parents worry, I think about all kinds of things. Are they going to use their EPI when they need to? Will they tell their friends?

Are they going to read those ingredients? Are they going to talk to restaurant staff?

If we trust that we have been diligent about preparing them,

then we also know that they have been sharpening their own self care skills.

But you add in the developing brain,

there's hormone changes, peer pressure and dating, all those things. It's just a roller coaster.

So just look at the picture of what our teens and young adults are learning and we know they're dealing with their everyday safety. Well,

they are quite remarkable problem solvers and so capable of handling their food allergies.

Caroline: I really like how you took a big picture because I have to say, I think for me personally, I just get really microscopic, like oh my goodness, they're going to go to a concert or oh, oh my goodness, they're gonna get on a bus and go, you know, wherever.

But I like how you're saying, no, let's take a step back, let's look at the big thing and then just actually trust that they know. And you're right. If they're watching us, if we're modeling this,

that's where they're learning and seeing whether it's vocally or silently, I think you're really onto something.

Lori: Absolutely. I think it can be hard to rein in how we're feeling. But if we look at what they're doing every day, it, it's great stuff.

Caroline: Very true.

Now let's tackle the tricky side of the mom. I've got this. When they think that they're really confident and they're ready, but we really know they're not quite there yet.

So how do we encourage that independence without crushing their confidence while stepping in when safety matters?

Lori: I think this is a lead up question for me anyway. I feel like before we get to the teen era,

it's important that we have laid a good foundation for them from the time they were diagnosed.

And that foundation, it's important that it's developmentally appropriate, that it's age appropriate and that it's a gradual progression. We don't want to just come in and bombard them with everything all at once.

I think think lifelong learning in general is in bits and pieces and our children are watching us. They're learning from what we are doing. And like you said, we are modeling for them.

So I look at it as an example of a small child being diagnosed. When you have a small child, of course you're going to start educating early.

You know, for us that was putting the EpiPen in a consistent place. And then if you're leaving the house, you say aloud,

picking up the EpiPen to take with us. So when they're young, it's those simple steps and then as they get older it might be you're going to talk about symptoms of anaphylaxis.

You don't eat foods without a label or how to call 911.

And I think even farther down the road,

they're self caring.

Let them order at the restaurants,

participate and eventually lead school meetings.

So I look at all this as kind of an allergy toolbox.

My son thinks that's just the greatest thing.

But you don't just open that toolbox and throw everything in at the same time.

You learn to use a tool at a time and you learn that before maybe you move on to another one. So let's say you've got a hammer. I consider that one of the most important tools.

When that gets mastered, then we'll learn about the screwdriver. And as you learn those tools go in your box. So think about the tools do major lifting and get used all the time,

just as your non negotiables do for food allergy management.

And non negotiables I feel like are different for every family.

But it may be,

this is one that I feel like everyone should do. But two uppies on the person at all times, that's, that's the gold standard.

It might be wearing a medical alert bracelet. It could be you don't try new foods at night. Whatever it is your family has agreed on and everyone understands.

And another point is this is a big One for us is as parents, we want to help our kids advocate.

But still that can be tiring. So what I like to think about is as our kids get older, teens, young adults, they are handling their allergy care multiple times in a day.

And also if we don't have food allergies ourselves, I can only imagine how they feel. But this is a big but. We don't know how they feel.

So that's a cue for us to be good listeners and to lead with compassion and empathy, try to hold feelings and thoughts with care and support and never to dismiss.

But for the main part of the question, I'm just big on analogies today. Caroline, the main question I'm going to use car analogy.

When our teens start driving,

that is a big hunk of steel they're getting into.

If we feel like they are not safe drivers,

we're not going to let them drive and hurt themselves or other people.

We're still as their primary caregivers, responsible for their well being.

So allergy management is not a zero to 70 miles per hour in a flash.

Brainstorm how those skills can be strengthened. Do that in a way as not to smash their confidence. So you want to work with them.

And the big thing in doing that I think is keeping the lines of communication open without constantly directing or correcting.

If they know we're listening, they're more apt to come to us. And that leads to positive reinforcement too. What are they doing right?

What do they need to learn? So maybe things can be different and they can do those things they want to do.

That also will boost their self esteem and let them know that you're thinking ahead as well.

My son and I actually talked about this when we went to breakfast the other day and I asked him this question.

How do you encourage a teen that's not quite ready? And we talked about letting them do it step by step. Talk you through step by step their event or do a practice run of the event if you can.

And that way that lets both you see if there's any holes in that plan.

And if you feel like they truly are not ready,

what is it going to take to get them ready? Is there any compromising that can be done?

Not compromising of the non negotiables, but just compromising.

Are there ways to make it happen with some oversight? And that might not be their first choice, but it is a step in the right direction.

So just brainstorm together.

My son's example of learning was to put himself through a series of checks when he leaves his dorm room or when he's going to go to his car. So his thing is,

do I have my allergy meds? Do I have my car keys? Do I have my lip balm? So those are the important things for him.

And in his everyday, he has set himself up for success because he has his nasal epinephrine attached to his keychain and he also has extra meds in his backpack so those don't get touched.

Those are his extra meds. He has those.

He doesn't have to think about it. They're already there.

Let them know you are their partner. I think that's huge. And lastly,

their allergist can be a good moderator and resource about allergy management,

even if they need to speak with their allergist alone.

Just use the people and the resources you have available to help Lori.

Caroline: That was stunning. Absolutely amazing information because you just really brought us through step by step and brought in a lot of good ideas. But I love how you brought your son into the conversation because he's the one living this.

So that was just incredible. And I love too how you just didn't start us from like today and, you know, the situation coming up. You brought us back a few years because really that's where it begins and gives us that information about a slow and steady buildup.

I mean, sometimes you might need to have a little bit of a crash course. You gave us the whole plan on how to get here. So thank you. That was amazing.

Lori: Oh, thank you. Yeah. And you know, not all kids are diagnosed early. So you,

you do what you can when you can. It all works out. And they are always learning. Even as young adults, we still are too.

Caroline: I love how you brought up lifelong learning because I think that's exactly what it is. That food allergies isn't a one and done or you got your lesson and now you're all done.

I mean, it changes as our bodies change, our age change, our situations change. That is such a brilliant term.

Lori: Thank you.

Caroline: I love it. Like I said, I'm going to use this. I'll credit you, but I'm going to use this because that's what we're really in. This is a whole life span journey.

Lori: It is. And sharing is always good. We learn from each other.

Caroline: Very true.

And so now let's flip the script on this.

What about that incredible moment when your teen says, mom, I've got this, and you realize they really do.

So from your own parenting journey, what helped prepare your son for that independence? I mean, you gave us some good information already. But are there any strategies that you can share with parents and caregivers who are working toward that same moment?

Lori: Yes.

So, as we previously discussed,

this is a crazy time for teens, young adults, all the emotions and changes.

There can possibly be some irrational thought patterns and big reactions.

And I can honestly say, of course, I have not always handled things smoothly because of my emotions and fear.

And sometimes there's difficulty coming to an agreement on alternatives,

on how things can be done.

I have not always handled things smoothly myself because of emotions and fear.

Sometimes there's difficulty coming up with agreements on alternatives for outings.

And as previously discussed,

teens, there's a lot of emotions and changes going on, and there might be some irrational thought patterns and some big reactions.

This is a time, of course, where they may view us as over the top or we don't know what we're talking about.

So it can be difficult to keep those lines of communication going.

But that is definitely very important.

There's also,

I feel like during this time an embarrassment factor or just wanting to fit in. And then they may forego precautions because of that.

So if we can help build healthy ways for them to cope,

even using what if scenarios,

such as you have a friend that has allergies, would you think they were annoying or would you not want to be friends with them just because they have allergies? Well, no, of course not.

We're still going to be friends.

How about kissing?

If it was another person with food allergies, wouldn't you want to keep them safe?

And of course,

it's not romantic to have a reaction during kissing.

So you want to take precautions that is in your best interest and friend activities. For example, they don't all have to be centered around food.

And as a parent, you can be open to having teens over to your house.

You can clue in those friends, parents and provide contact information. It doesn't have to be a big ordeal,

but just have some basic information out there.

And also, I think we can have good intentions when we speak as caregivers and parents,

but that may not translate well to our teens and young adults. And here's a personal reflection for me.

The summer before my son was going to go to residential school,

he was doing a great job about managing his allergy care. He was consistent.

I would probably say his care was not fully transitioned at this point because I'm thinking, hey, we have two more years with him being in the house.

I've got things to still teach him. And so when he's getting ready to up and Leave two years early.

I am thinking, have I taught him everything he needs to know?

So even though I was confident in his abilities,

he did not hear that.

He heard,

she's scared. She doesn't think I can handle it. So we may not always come across as calm, cool and collected.

And mine at that time was more about my feelings.

So it's important not to project what we're feeling onto our sons and daughters.

And another personal situation was when he went to residential school.

He wanted to be in charge of speaking and deciding what it looked like to live with a roommate and care for himself in his room and and to talk to his professors.

We shared some responsibility in speaking with the health clinic and dining,

but that leads him to where he is now in college, where he was in charge of everything.

We did speak with the dietitian and disability office together, but I was just present with minimal input, to be honest. And that's what we want to get them to.

So my ask for him was that please speak to your suitemates and your RA sooner than later because you don't know anybody at school.

But that worked for him. And I feel like our home success has come from just having an open environment without judgment and negativity. Doesn't mean we always agree or we're always successful,

but we try really hard to communicate well because I want him to bring his allergy and just in general, any life concerns to me also being an active listener versus a fixer.

They don't always need us to jump in and fix everything.

They want to know we trust they can problem solve and they're going to figure it out.

I think now more of what I do is ask. Hey, do you just want me to listen or do you want some feedback or some suggestions?

And another thing is,

as they are becoming young adults, compromise is key. Pick your battles. Not everything's critical. There can be flexibility and that's a good thing.

I feel like,

for example, my son's getting ready to take his first solo flight.

He's going to go in and out of major airports, which that has not been the case before. He's going to be on an airline that I have long avoided.

But he is going to do things the way he needs to do to keep him safe. He's probably not going to do what everything I would do when he was younger,

but I have the confidence that he's got this.

Another thing we can do, I feel like, is encourage them to have a few trusted friends.

True friends are going to support you and want you safe.

And if your teen has support, they're likely to feel comfortable in making decisions and also feel safer.

You can also help them evaluate the risk of an activity.

For example,

let's say they're going to go to an unsafe restaurant. You can talk out,

what do you want to do? Do you want to stay and get a drink?

Would you like to eat beforehand?

Things like that. Or another example,

what if you're going to a water park? What are you going to do with your meds? You know, those kind of things.

So talk about how to stay safe, to make good choices, and also consider their mental health and empower them.

They've got it.

Caroline: Incredible words. Again, I can't stop saying it. You're so wise. And I love how you mentioned creating that no judgment space and the act of listening, because I think sometimes our own fears and feelings pop up.

And you mentioned that, you know, keeping those down and creating this space, I mean, this is just priceless information. Lori. I just can't thank you enough for it. And I can't actually believe our time together has come to an end.

So is there anything else you would like our listeners to hear from you today?

Lori: For me, we have made lifelong friends by participating in Camp Tag and Teen Retreat.

They are such blessings to us.

And whether we're going to camp or not, we always make efforts to reunite every year.

The allergy community is just amazing and full of support and resources. And it's nice to have people to talk to on days you may have an obstacle or days your family has a win because they get it and they are truly happy for you.

And also, I'm proud of all these teens and young adults that have become mentors for younger children.

They are advocating and they have such great empathy and kindness for others.

The biggest thing is there are resources,

even counseling, going out and getting some exercise, even sunlight, sleep, talking to a friend. But most of all, go out and have some fun and enjoy each day.

Caroline: Thank you so much, Laurie, of sharing your story,

your stories and how you've dealt with things and sharing your wisdom and the things that you've learned and, you know, bring your son into this conversation. Thank you just for doing all of this very thoughtful work so we could have this really wonderful conversation.

So thank you again for being here. I look forward to having you back on Facts Roundtable podcast and I look forward to seeing you again in the future.

Lori: Thank you, Caroline. I enjoyed talking with you today.

Caroline: Before we say goodbye today, we just want to take a moment to say thank you to Genentech for being a kind and generous sponsor of FAACT's roundtable podcast.

Thank you for listening to FAACT's roundtable podcast.

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