Shawna:   0:01
Welcome to the Less Stress Family Podcast where we believe you are valuable and what you do matters.  

Shawna:   0:11
This is episode number 15 I'm Justin and I am Shauna Wood How are you, honey? I'm

Shawna:   0:17
good. How are you?

Justin:   0:18
Good. I'm excited about this topic. I know. It's a feeling an expert. Yes,

Justin:   0:23
you should. You should.

Shawna:   0:24
That's a fun topic. What are we talking about?

Shawna:   0:26
We're talking about the power of arranged marriages,

Justin:   0:30
Arranged marriages? What does that mean?

Shawna:   0:31
Well, we're gonna use that term fairly loosely. So we're talking about arranged marriages in terms of marriages that have a lot of the community involved in them. Right? So, for our example, don't worry. We're going to share our story with you guys today.

Justin:   0:53
Some of this. All right, So I was very much a single male who could probably live a hermit lifestyle, right? Yes, for sure I was living overseas. Is that where I'm going? This story?

Shawna:   1:08
Yeah. Go wherever you want to go

Justin:   1:10
with it, receives the father realized You know what? I might need a wife a minute,

Shawna:   1:14
because this it actually is kind of funny to me. Your mind said before Waas.

Justin:   1:20
Oh, yeah, I was like, I just never gonna bother with wife. Right? Or especially kids, obviously.

Shawna:   1:24
Right. Which is just super funny knowing how the story plays out.

Justin:   1:29
Yeah, so basically sent an email out to my closest friends and families like, Hey, I think it's time for me to really start praying for a wife because I'm living overseas in Ethiopia. I was like, I am lonely, I think, for the first time in my life, because I was living alone, like in the big city alone. Anyway, So I sent an email to close his friends. Yes. And then what happened? I don't know. You tell May.

Shawna:   2:03
Okay, So one of his good friends was in the same seminary that I wasn't doing graduate work. And so in California, were it fuller? And one day we had actually his friends and I had a class together and had worked on a group project together, and I had met his wife and, you know, so we had a little bit of relationship there anyway,

Justin:   2:31
because of myself using other way,

Shawna:   2:33
I think, um and because they do all kinds of cool things and we don't want, you know, their names out there. So anyway, uh, he came up to me one day when I was studying out in the courtyard and was like, Hey, are you called to be single? Like? I hope not.

Justin:   2:52
I love

Shawna:   2:52
it. I'm a son like you. I was constantly on the lookout for a husband because I knew I wanted to

Justin:   3:02
give you an extra Burt and you couldn't live alone.

Shawna:   3:04
I cannot live alone. I lived alone for like, six weeks one time, and I hated life to break a lease to get out of that. So, um, anyway, so I knew I wanted a husband and kids. But I also knew that the Lord had not provided the right person yet. So I was called for the day

Justin:   3:25
to singleness. Right. So I had this had a contact with that friend who was like, Hey, you might want to email. This girl was like, Okay, uh, no danger. There were literally, almost on the other side of the world from each other, right? Like whatever. Yeah. Um, so we started e mailing, and we're both like, we don't have time just for like, we have too much of life going on to be like You want a date? You're right. It wasn't like that at all. So we got pretty serious on the email, like, Hey, what's going on here? You know what? It basically, what do you called to do? Like what do you What are you passionate about? Right? And that helped form us. But we also had a lot of community. I think of all the people who I had speaking into my life that I completely trusted first, the one who he and his wife, right? I trust them in my life, right. You know, today and every day it was like I would trust them. Whatever they said I would listen to really well,

Shawna:   4:26
right? Yes. And I thought it was safe because I had been set up with a lot of freaks at that point. Just to be really honest, because everybody was like, Oh, Sean, I got a guy you need to meet. And because I was, like, on the hunt, I was hoping Roger that train wreck dates anyway. Um, but having you know and I had several conversations with that couple just about who you were and what your ambitions were in that kind of thing because at that point in our lives, we felt very strongly about the work that we were supposed to be doing and both of us were in the season of If somebody's not heading the same direction, I'm headed right. It's not gonna be a good

Justin:   5:14
we had enough experience to know it wasn't just like, Oh, let's go find I think the best advice I've ever heard find what you want to do in life and then find someone to do that with right as opposed to find someone and realize that you all are not on the same path,

Shawna:   5:30
right as the advice I was given was to be to figure out what I wanted to do and start heading down doing that. And if I continue to look over and see the same person on the same path with me, we should link arms and run together, right? But we're definitely over or trip involved, smashed faces together, but anyway, over the idea of trying to convert someone else to my dream

Justin:   5:58
right exactly. And you see that a lot of people convert this other person to their dream and it's just like and That's the power I think of an arranged marriage in the sense of the community can help speak into your life,

Shawna:   6:12
right. And speaking from experience. Because although you were Mr, I'm focused on one mission and purpose. And, like, I had no time for women in college and that kind of thing, I pretty much since I was like, 13 have been on the hunt for a husband and some of the some of the worst picks my friends hated. Yeah, And if I had have had the wisdom as a teen and young adult to really listen because our friends see our blind spots are family members see our blind spots. So if we're open to hearing the truth from them, um, which a lot of times we're not because we, like, have this fantasy picture going on in our head. But they have a lot of wisdom to offer us

Justin:   7:00
so long. Story made shorter. You're gonna be in Kenya. You came up to Ethiopia? Yes. Uh, you're at the airport? Yes. So I was. I snuck past. I snuck past the guys with a K 47 snuck in that kind of the back part of the airport walking around and bully in the airport. And finally I saw you well know the fight. I waited forever. I was like, she didn't come. It's always back out and, man, I'm so thankful for I won't say his name either, but he's like, you get back in there and don't come out without her. Right? We had a great such awesome community of people around this who spoke at the right time, the right thing. So anyway, so I snuck back in and I waited. And finally you showed up. I was like, how I am Justin, you know, it was weird. It was

Shawna:   7:55
It was very awkward because I think we both knew what was on the table,

Justin:   7:59
right? Right. And so you were there. We had a lot of stuff going on, and we didn't really get a chance to talk several days.

Shawna:   8:08
T o

Justin:   8:09
it was whatever. So I finally we had a business meeting. We went to a nice restaurant and we sit down and I was like, Hey,

Shawna:   8:16
it was our first time to, like be alone,

Justin:   8:18
right? Right. So read this restaurant is like So what are we gonna dio? Was like I don't really love you. You're like, Yeah, I don't really love you either. Like, but we feel like I said, I feel like this is what we we need to get married. And you're like, Yeah, yeah, pretty much. That was right.

Shawna:   8:35
Pretty much the long and short of it.

Justin:   8:37
So that business meeting

Shawna:   8:38
I had gone over in my mind because I trusted these people were in community with and based on our email correspondence of what do you want to do with your life? Like, really I showed up and I was, And I told someone before I got there is like, if I'm not physically repulsed by this guy, he's gonna be the one. I'm gonna be

Justin:   8:59
one, right? So So after, like after you left, I think my dad sent me an email referring to, like, John the badness. He's like, Is she the one or should we ask, or should we pray for another? Should we look for another? Was like, I think she's a line. So right. So then I got permission to fly back from organization to try to get your bless the of your Baird's. Um and then, yeah, I don't know how much money I'm talking about all this stuff. But thankfully, we had so much, so much that you actually baby sitters you were bet you babysat a family, right? I was working with right who were just like the most amazing people on the earth, right? It's like we had all these connections from people that we didn't know. We were just still part of our community in a lot of ways, right? But you had was, like, 10 years before or something I don't Rank was right. It was crazy. So there's lots of stories. They're

Shawna:   9:57
right, but And so I think the value of this lesson, um, of, you know, even talking about arranged marriages is not necessarily what we think of with a strict arranged marriage. Although, you know, a couple of years before we got married, I did my neighbor in the apartments. He actually had a very typical what you think of of arranged marriage, where he did had not ever met his wife. But the family's made that arrangement because the families have been friends a long time. And statistically, 55% of all the marriages in the world are done that way. I knew we

Justin:   10:37
were normal. Normal. Everyone else is like That's so weird. How did you do that with the arrangement? Was like, No, you're the weird one.

Shawna:   10:45
So the thing is, if you look at and because of our cross cultural experiences, we had seen traditional arranged marriages in action, and we knew that they had significantly lower divorce rates, like the current divorce rate for traditional arranged marriages, like 6% globally. And a lot of that has to do if you have both communities, both families who want that marriage to succeed, right? Because I feel like it's really common in America that if you have a problem with your spouse, you have a fight with your spouse. You go to your parents and your friends, and you're like, I can't believe, you know I can't believe he said that he's so insensitive. And that ended up. And in an arranged marriage scenario, the family of origin is still encouraging. Well, you need to go back, can talk about it, you know, they they're very pro, the marriage, not necessarily the individuals. And I think that that's a really good thing for us to keep in mind, no matter how you met your spouse or why you decided to get married is that the reality is if you really want your marriage to succeed, you need community members who are pushing you to do the things to make your marriage work, right? Not just like, Oh, girl. Let me tell you if he did that to me, huh? Walk out the door. It's

Justin:   12:15
not gonna make you or him a better person.

Shawna:   12:18
No, not gonna not gonna help your

Justin:   12:20
challenge. Yeah, to that next place. And thankfully, I just look back. We had so many people challenging us during that time in season, right? It was pretty amazing. When you look back, the people we had speaking into our life, I'm pretty, well, even just talking about it now. It's like, Wow, that was really cool, right? But the timing of it

Shawna:   12:39
and I think you know, the typical American kind of idea is I'm the master of my destiny. I get to make all these choices, and it's a solo operation. But I think that we cheat ourselves when we don't open ourselves up to what our community has for us. Support insights seeing your blind spots calling the good things out in us.

Justin:   13:05
Right? Dressing that challenging about the negative thing. Yeah. Yeah, and so I think too, If you say arranged marriages, it's awesome. We ended up, we were in love, but when we got married,

Shawna:   13:16
we were I loved you all the time. I said I d'oh, which was a year later. So we got engaged One summer. We got married the following summer,

Justin:   13:23
right? So, yeah, it was a year later and we lived briefly in the same in the same city,

Shawna:   13:30
right? For about five months, we were in the same city.

Justin:   13:32
Was it?

Shawna:   13:33
Yeah, maybe. Look for now.

Justin:   13:34
Yeah, I think so. Listen that but it was a hard first year.

Shawna:   13:38
It was ah, hard first year of marriage.

Justin:   13:40
It was very hard. So that's something to to keep it. If if you're marrying a complete stranger who test upset you on every personality tests, there is, like, every personality test. It's like, Oh, what did you score? I don't have to. I don't have take tests. I'm like, Oh, I know what I'll score then. I mean,

Shawna:   13:58
they have a diagram we don't like. Hold a mirror up.

Justin:   14:01
That'll be made, like 100% of time, right? Yeah, somewhere. So if you do have one of those arranged marriages you need, allow yourself. We didn't understand people that well, The first year can be rough. That's if you date and you know each other

Shawna:   14:15
well. And when people are like, Oh, it's the honeymoon year

Justin:   14:19
way. No, because we just were complete strangers, right? So we just didn't know. Why would you do that? What are you doing right? And I think that's one of the reasons, because that first year was so hard is like we've looked for lots of tools toe help us understand the dynamics of what's going on, right, because of one marriage to work exactly. And we had to work at it, um, a lot more than we realized right. But I think it put us so far ahead, too.

Shawna:   14:48
That challenge and again, Even in that first year, we moved to a new city. Neither of us really knew anybody. We had a couple contacts but forming relationships there and even having people who encouraged us that we were in community with a couple who were like, Oh, it's gonna be all right. You just go back and give him some loving

Justin:   15:08
way. Had a community there that those couples, I'm still in contact with him a lot. Yeah, it's just, man. They were community to us in a whole different level. So cool.

Shawna:   15:19
And even, I think, like, with our Children encouraging them as they start today. You know, just those same things. What do your friends think about so and so or whatever you know, just kind of cultivating that importance of allowing your community to speak into your relationships

Justin:   15:36
with the opposite, to do attract. That is for sure

Shawna:   15:38
they do. But they take a heck of a lot of work to make that

Justin:   15:41
clear stand. So you know, we don't tell that to Our kids basically helped train them. To be like, Yeah, you're gonna be attractive. Someone who's no one, nothing like you. But thankfully, you've had all your siblings to help refine you

Shawna:   15:56
for sure for sure. All right, guys, this was kind of a unique topic First in touch on, but I do think that there is a lot of stress relief. They can come from hell having healthy community around you. wherever you are in your romantic journey that does love you. That does want to support you, but that is willing to be honest and push you to be the better person in your relationship.

Justin:   16:26
Very good.

Shawna:   16:27
Thanks so much for taking time to tune in and hang out with us. Remember, you are valuable and what you knew matters. You are not alone. We would love for you to connect with us and the rest of the less stress family community on our website

Shawna:   16:41
on Facebook or on our personal instagrams Shauna Sri would just right every blessed day. Thank you.