Shawna:   0:01
Welcome to the less stress family podcast where we believe you are valuable and what you do matters this episode number 18. I'm Justin, and I'm Shawna Would How

Justin:   0:15
are you?

Shawna:   0:16
I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Fantastic. I'm excited. Hop in today's topic. You are. It's gonna It's kind of weird because I'm like, I don't really wanna talk about this. Now. Can you feel the resistance? Last one was hard. I know you're turned man up.

Justin:   0:32
Definitely, definitely. Okay. So what are we talking about

Shawna:   0:35
today? We're talking about Jerk, Dad. Jerk! Dad, That is that I don't

Justin:   0:40
know who you're talking about.

Shawna:   0:43
So that would be the male equivalent of mom ster that was discussed in the previous. But yes,

Justin:   0:49
the jerk dad lives than low self deep in the caves in the caverns of this of the human, The human psyche. Yeah. So I think a story yes, would be I've had a hard time finding a story because I

Shawna:   1:06
don't want to talk about this. You didn't want to ask the kids? No, I didn't want I won't end up. And I was like, Okay, kids, don't tell me I don't wanna hear about my failures. Think all

Justin:   1:17
dads have. I think I can say this. Every every excited Dad still has this, like, gut like, Mmm mmm. What I'm gonna do with this kid when they come here, I feel

Shawna:   1:31
like I don't know, mom. Yeah to be. And then once the

Justin:   1:34
kid gets here, they're still like, I still don't know what to do with this thing. You know, the mom has the nurturing, and that's not totally Guys don't know, but I think that's deep inside, right? And I think for deep inside. Like, for example, Like when I'm trying to go to bed at night, right? Yes. I'm already at my low self. I'm tired, right. I have to get a bit for

Shawna:   1:56
and you go to bed before everybody else.

Justin:   1:58
Yes, and that's Yeah. That could be a little difficult now, thankfully, our bed

Shawna:   2:03
our bed,

Justin:   2:05
our bedroom is right beside one of the main bathrooms is being used, right? Yes. So I couldn't if I was paid $100 for every time this happens, I'm almost asleep. And then what I hear is someone slammed the toilet seat in one direction or the other And then I hear usually the boys just splattering urine all over the

Shawna:   2:28
place. That's what I would go

Justin:   2:31
to. So I'm like, Okay, don't freak out. Don't freak out.

Shawna:   2:35
It's okay. The toilet is basically sharing a wall with where your head is. Yes, yes, yes. So So usually by

Justin:   2:45
the second time. Well, a lot of times the first time. Because I feel like we've had this talk a lot of times, and obviously I'm failing

Shawna:   2:50
at something. All they need to do is hit the whole It just hit the water. Just listen for

Justin:   2:56
the splash of the water. That's all you're getting your shooting for, right? It's not that bad, but sometimes it is. So I jump up, and usually that's when the jerk dad comes into full effect. Would you say

Shawna:   3:10
yes? A little bit like a comic book? After that? It is like I don't even know what I'm saying. Because I'm asleep and incoherent and the kids look at me with that bill. Is big eyes like deer in the headlights? What? It what happened? I don't know what happened. Why is father

Justin:   3:31
upset like this? So that's my story. A story

Shawna:   3:36
all right. So what's the

Justin:   3:38
problem with jerk? Dad,

Shawna:   3:41
the jerk dad is not your authentic self. I don't know. Here's my theory. Here's my

Justin:   3:50
theory on this, right. I think men have a hard time seeing a holistic part of ourselves like we can compartmentalize usually very well. I can focus on a I can focus on B I can focus on. See, I can focus on the yes, but when you start to interrupt me when I'm doing a and you want em or oh right,

Shawna:   4:13
I little bit of Q and a little bit of Q P. Yeah, that

Justin:   4:19
it starts my frustration cycle of life. I feel like, yes, and you think, Well, that's that's no big deal. Well,

Shawna:   4:26
after a

Justin:   4:26
while, there's a strong all that comes and it breaks the

Shawna:   4:30
camel's back, and I feel like I I've talked

Justin:   4:35
to other guys about this kind of thing, being a jerk dad, and we haven't that terminology.

Shawna:   4:39
Some guys

Justin:   4:39
just don't understand. Like I can't believe I got that mad or yelled at him or whatever

Shawna:   4:44
I'm like. Of course you did. It's like way. I think men have

Justin:   4:48
all this. Uh, I won't say I don't know. We're just not Ariel. Touch with a lot of things within us. How so? Like our

Shawna:   4:58
emotions way. Just take a

Justin:   5:03
minute. We don't address them. Necessarily. Yes. Do you

Shawna:   5:06
think or do you think much more so than women?

Justin:   5:09
Yeah, that's what I'm That's my comparison, right? That's my comparison to the

Shawna:   5:13
way we do need to do a podcast on men's brains versus women's brains. Because a lot of this has biological factors. It is not out of, like cheer jerkiness.

Justin:   5:27
Right? Right, right, right, right. So, um, what else? Don't say about this.

Shawna:   5:31
So how what we do? I'm done talking about this. What do we do with this? It's just a problem guys

Justin:   5:39
need deal with.

Shawna:   5:39
OK, let's just don't just take it. Take your motions, put it in a box. Like you know, you should put on the shelf. It is chef head and something back. Ya'll and see how largely I'm rolling my eyes at this very moment. You've done a great job of explaining the problem. But now let's break down. What air? Some solutions.

Justin:   6:01
Okay, they all these tools we talked about zooming in, zooming out. Um, are you just keep moving your legs. Sorry. Zooming in, zooming out. Just becoming aware, Trying to gain perspective. All those things. So now high self low self. What did that was two episodes ago, right? Yes. Seeing 16? Yeah, Episode 16 myself. So now at least I have a grid. You and I have an awareness. Right? So now I don't blow up a night, do it

Shawna:   6:31
Not nearly as much. So it's only twice

Justin:   6:34
a week

Shawna:   6:35
now. So I think there's two things at play there. One you recognize? Hey, at night, I have a very short fuse with people. Right. So you're aware of that, too? We recognize a night Dad doesn't speak English at night. Just I are. That's what he's a gave man.

Justin:   6:55
Any mumbles? Yes.

Shawna:   6:55
So we try because we've communicated that we try to honor you in that right? Like this is the time that we need to be most compassionate with dad,

Justin:   7:08
right? Right, Right. And I think I think just like we talked about with a monster, like guys need to realize this is part of the refinement process, right? Like you need to start to deal with your kids and your wife in a better way. And again it's like when when I talked to adult men who are dads or just pretty much adult man, and they don't seem like they blow up or whatever. I'm like they have dead bodies in there close serial killer. You know what I mean? Like, I really think right. Beware because I think it's part of the human condition,

Shawna:   7:43
right? Yeah, it is like just all have to face the fact that none of us are perfect. And if you're trying to live as if you are perfect, there's probably gonna be some major blow up or major nastiness that occurs,

Justin:   7:57
right? So here here's Here's Something. So I tried to become aware. Yes, because usually I'm like I go back to the compartmentalization like I'm in box. Let's say at the end of the day, I'm in boxes e all right, and the other day I'll use that because that's the nlf it, right, right. So I'm in Box Z. Usually what irritates me is like inbox e from 10 o'clock this morning that I dealt with, but it maybe didn't deal with or whatever. It's so that's been irritating me all day long. even though I'm in boxing, you know? You know what I mean? And the kids are operating in a whole different. Another box in my mind. Right? Right. And so here I am, trying to chew on Box E. And I'm in Box Z. So I'm already maxed out, right? You know, So I have at least become aware like, Hey, why am I irritated right now? I'm irritated. Not by my kids, not by my lovely wife.

Shawna:   8:54
Those were really

Justin:   8:54
not what irritates me. There's something way over here that happened two days ago that I'm still processing, right, like there's some emotional stuff that needs to be. So he's actually made me a lot better. It connecting dots. I don't have you as a woman can just feel that or know what's going on. Sometimes sometimes, sometimes I don't feel like I do it all. Sometimes I'm just not aware of until I start chewing on. Wow, why am I ready to blow up right now? Oh, this has nothing to do with anything that's here, and that's a board for me to realize, like there's really nothing in this room that I really wanna blow upon. It's something that happened a long, you know, long time earlier today?

Shawna:   9:39
Yeah. That's powerful insight.

Justin:   9:41
You think so? Yes. For Me.

Shawna:   9:44
Are you saying that the solution is a self awareness? Um,

Justin:   9:49
yeah, to some extent. And I think part. That means you just need to allow yourself to be frustrated with life. Don't bury people in your backyard. Don't kill them and bury them in backyard. Right? That's not a good way. Live?

Shawna:   10:01
No. Nobody wants to live or died. Pretty sure.

Justin:   10:06
Yeah, we're good. OK, I

Shawna:   10:07
will say this

Justin:   10:08
too. And I'm course we're not a medical doctor. Anything else? But when I when my vitamin d was low, I didn't know that it was low. It was low for quite a while. It made a huge difference home. Just reacting to things. Yes. Do you think?

Shawna:   10:23
Well, I think that whole holistic approach that kind of that lens that we use very rarely can you be struggling and only one aspect of your life. Like generally, if you look at your body, mind and spirit. You know, if you're really off kilter in one place, the other places

Justin:   10:40
were also and so if you have though, if you know something's going on, uh, you need to give yourself some more grace and give other some more grace to write. So I think that the being a jerk, Dad, is that the word we said?

Shawna:   10:54
Yeah. You're dead. You think it fit? I tried toe. I tried thio make

Justin:   10:59
it nice over you

Shawna:   11:00
like No, no, it needs to be checked. Dad, I'm just saying call them Is a cm

Justin:   11:06
Yeah. Without saying bad words for the explicit, explicit label on our podcast. But we didn't want to do that.

Shawna:   11:15
So I think I think

Justin:   11:16
being a jerk, dad, just part of process. It's far the refining process and you want to get out of it as quickly as you can. You don't want to live in that spot.

Shawna:   11:25
And can I add that? I think probably it's not reserved for women. The lie that your failure.

Justin:   11:31
Oh, yeah, for sure, because I think as a dad, sometimes you just don't know what to do,

Shawna:   11:35
right? You don't know

Justin:   11:36
what to do with the kid. Sometimes you're like, I don't know. I don't know what to do with

Shawna:   11:39
you, but

Justin:   11:40
I can get mad at you. That's an

Shawna:   11:41
easy thing. You know what I mean? Like I

Justin:   11:44
I will just manifest this through anger because that's easier. It's a it's a it's a cop out. It's an easy way out. And so again, as we talked with a monster, like, If you're if you find yourself being a drug dad and you really want to see your family shift to a whole higher level, learn to apologize. Yes, don't justify it Like I've talked to guys like, Well, I told him, and I'm like, Come on, dude, you just

Shawna:   12:09
need to say, Yeah, yeah,

Justin:   12:11
you just have to say And that's really hard. That's hard for guys to even like, just like this podcast been hard for me to talk about. Like I was ready. I looked at the timer. I was right in the clock in, like, five minutes,

Shawna:   12:20
like you looked at your like your extra twitchy e have but gather the family

Justin:   12:28
together cum by ya. Sit down, Tom. Say, Hey, guys, I apologize. I have been a jerk lately

Shawna:   12:35
and can I just say that that has happened? I mean, we just like, blasted me in the last podcast. I totally human and monster, you know have done all that. But I think there's even more power when the dad does it. The times that things have been a rye and you have sat everyone down and you have apologized to our family or there has been a shift in the atmosphere in our whole right, because here's

Justin:   12:59
here's here's what Mike I've realized when you're being a jerk, Dad, you're telling your kids there's something wrong with them, and it becomes about their processing it. As I've done something wrong. I'm a failure. And you're Trent. You're transferring stuff to them. They're the story. They're believing in their head is a lie, Right? Right. I mean, and so you want to get that story cleared up like, Hey, this is on me, guys. I am sorry. I apologize. So you

Shawna:   13:32
should apologize

Justin:   13:33
pretty quick pretty often once you get into the habit of, you know, realizing Hey, I messed up here. Now. Don't apologize for everything.

Shawna:   13:42
Well, I think only sincere, you know, But you don't

Justin:   13:45
walk in the house. And Pablo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but but there's definitely times if you blow up is a drug debt. You need to be like, Hey, I'm really sorry about that.

Shawna:   13:54
Yeah, And I've seen our sons in particular. If there was an issue like and they were physically, you know, like downcast head day and kind of thing. Like I've seen them. Like they're politicians. Traitor, up, shoulders back straighter than straight. You know what I mean? Head up that kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. So where does it impacts your kids?

Justin:   14:16
So yeah. So Dad's It's okay to be a jerk, dad, but don't let it last for long.

Shawna:   14:22
Don't hang out there. Don't hang out

Justin:   14:23
there. No, it's part of the process. It's once you become aware. Hey, I continue to be a jerk about it. It might be a certain topic or certain issue, right? And you didn't know where this that Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I

Shawna:   14:35
feel like you for being vulnerable for all of our listeners. Like

Justin:   14:39
I've talked my way through. I feel better now that it's over.

Shawna:   14:41
Okay, Very good. Thank you all for being the listeners for taking your time out to tune in and hang out with us. We believe that you are valuable, and I would love to hear some feedback on the jerk Dad or the monster or both episodes Don't send this video, please. On the Facebook page, you can leave comments. Just search for less stress family podcasts. You can comment on our personal INSTAGRAM accounts. You can also connect with us on our website. L s f podcast dot com Thank you so much. I hope that you have a blessed day. Thank you.