spk_0:   0:00
way. Welcome to the

spk_1:   0:05
less stress family podcast, where we believe you are valuable and what you do

spk_0:   0:10
matters this episode number 23. I'm Justin. Would I'm Shawna would Are you all right, honey?

spk_1:   0:16
I am great. How are you today?

spk_0:   0:18
I'm very good. Good. What are

spk_1:   0:21
we talking about today?

spk_0:   0:22
We're talking about giving hugs. Give hugs. It's a command.

spk_1:   0:26
It's a command.

spk_0:   0:27
Okay? And I am not a hugger, right? Would you say that

spk_1:   0:30
to you? That

spk_0:   0:31
just leave me alone? Don't touch me. In fact, don't talk to me. I'm okay. Like just give me a head nod. That's good enough. Right? But I will say this This this episode is from Ah, basically, it started from my friend John calling John not only only use the last name come John the drummer because he plays drums at church. Right. Okay. And so when we first met John, both of us were like, Man, there's something about that guy. Yes, little did we know. He's, like the happiest guy in the room, right? I mean, literally we know his story. He's ah. Oh, my special forces. He did. I don't know. Over a dozen deployments in heavy combat and just crazy, you know, Amazing amazing guy. Amazing family. Yes. Amazing story. And so But as we played music together, John just always gives big hugs like he just gigs. And I told him on the phone one time was like, John, it's almost like you, like, hugged the hell out of me. Like in the sense of, like, the negative. Whatever yucky feeling is when you have him just come up just give you a big hug and a smile. It's just like it changes. Like you can't You can't be in that moment and not just be like and yeah, yeah, I feel better now, unite. So so Thank you, Jon. But I've started incorporate that into our life, right. Our house? Yes. We've seen a huge shift. Having way? Yes. So I now in the mornings and at night, when after after the kid's wake up before, Well, they might be in the military retain, uh, exercise or whatever. And I said, Okay, guys, hug time. And so wherever I'm at, if they're up or whatever, they just give a big hug. We just give hugs. All right, So it's been crazy. I cannot believe. Like, and it's like you can't be focused on anything else. You can't be like giving half hugs.

spk_1:   2:17
It's not like a side hug.

spk_0:   2:18
No side hugs, right? Like fool. Give me a hug and squeeze for maybe, like, one or two seconds, right? Like John does, right? You know,

spk_1:   2:26
telling kids even like the four year old Give me a man hug.

spk_0:   2:30
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Give me a man hug. So it's like So now our four year old like he'll be He's told, like his Nana Give her a hug. You know, you leave and give a hug. You like You just, like give hugs. So give hugs.

spk_1:   2:45
Yes, I love it. And are 14 year old actually said something to me the other night? He's like, Mom, have you felt the difference of a like, What are you talking about? He goes in our house. He said I think it started when Dad started doing the hugs.

spk_0:   3:02
Yeah, that's pretty good.

spk_1:   3:03
Anyway, he was like our house. It just It just feels better inside it.

spk_0:   3:08
Right? So I did not know all the science behind hugs, Right? Right. So you're telling

spk_1:   3:13
me it is huge. Yes, so kind of ties in. So it's research. But then it's a heart tugging story. So I'm gonna try to get through this without crying. You try to get through this without crying. So we've I think everybody and some form is somewhat familiar with a study that happened. It was actually the neurobiologist Mary Carlson, and she followed the long term effects of touch by studying babies and Romanian orphanages. In the 19 seventies and 19 eighties, there was a huge upsurge in the number of orphans due to some political policy that happened changes on population growth. So suddenly you had all of these infants who were in orphanages who were technically getting food and technically, in a crib that was safe. But she documented all of the negative impact on their motor skill, development and their growth or physical growth and their behaviour on into adulthood. So that became reality for us when it was actually for those of you who heard are weird arranged marriage story, it was actually kind of like our first date. It was the first time that we were able to spend time by ourselves. We were in the capital of Ethiopia, and I was actually working on my master's thesis on caring for AIDS orphans. And so we had the opportunity to go and spend the day in one of Mother Teresa's AIDS orphanage. Is that is there in Addis the capital? Um and so we

spk_0:   4:59
those kids from like birth, too

spk_1:   5:01
through adulthood, because there was a law that AIDS orphans cannot be adopted. And so we had opportunity to spend some time with the older kids a little bit later. But we started out and the nuns took us to the nursery. And so it was I mean, I just haven't seen anything like it ever before because it was just wall to wall cribs and everything was very clean. And the nuns, we're literally giving life to these kids because they would have been on the street and they would have bad. But it was physically impossible for them to get around toe, hold every baby

spk_0:   5:44
right when you had to feed him and change a diaper and everything.

spk_1:   5:47
Yeah, I mean, just keeping them clean and just the hygiene was all the time. There was a lot of just the numbers of kids that were there. And so we spent some time just picking up babies and just holding him. Um, and you know, not even having really the science to back up why that was important. And who knows if our very, very limited

spk_0:   6:09
number of hours that were

spk_1:   6:10
there had any impact whatsoever on their specific lives? But as I got into researching, why are hugs so beneficial? It just ties into that human need for physical touch. So now brain scientists have actually shown that a hug can lower your blood pressure. Support your immune system by stimulating the thymus gland. Lower the heart rate. Lower stress because it impacts the court. Is all levels improved? Sleep again because of the court is all stimulate. The brain's memory centers reduce pain. Prompt positive emotions because there's a release of oxytocin, which sometimes called the love hormone. It's what nursing mothers get a shot of every time they nurse their babies, reduce anxiety and overall make you happier.

spk_0:   7:02
There you go.

spk_1:   7:03
So in case you needed a little bit of scientific research to back you up and why you should give people hugs right? There you go. 10 health benefits, right?

spk_0:   7:13
I think I think I need the science. I just needed John the drummer, to just give me a hug. Ah, lot. And I was like, I wait a minute. I'm something's changing. So now it's, like, rippled into our home. Something's changing. So obviously, I didn't know all that before the hug started, but right? Yeah,

spk_1:   7:30
and I think John is like, he's like a manly man. You know? That's not like you don't look at him and have me like strange thoughts, you know? He's like warrior man showing up the heck out of the drums, you know? So for him just to come and give you a hug, it's very safe,

spk_0:   7:47
Right? Right, Right. So it is so I mean, obviously you don't want to just go around hugging random strangers.

spk_1:   7:53
Don't be that weirdo.

spk_0:   7:54
Yeah, don't be that way. Don't be that strange person. Who right? Who doesn't have good boundaries? You know, e there's some people who hugged me over the past, and you're like, I need to take a shower and I don't know. You know what I mean? Like like, you know what I mean. And I hate hugs anyway, So it's like, don't be weird. And don't just start hugging everybody in your office and whatever else you know what I mean, Right, But for the people that you're safe with, you know, and

spk_1:   8:21
you have relationships,

spk_0:   8:22
right? Right.

spk_1:   8:23
It's a healthy.

spk_0:   8:23
Yeah, don't be the strange weirdo, but like B b, the person who you can learn. And honestly, for most dads, that's gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard because you're just gonna have to, like, figure out that awkward space between, like like our sons 14. Now, you know, right, like there's some awkward space

spk_1:   8:42
there is,

spk_0:   8:43
and it's like You gotta close that. And it's like when you learn to physically close it with a hug and especially, I think, for your younger kids and probably older kids, too. But just that feeling safe, you know, like you want to create that, just like with the baby. And but you don't want to just I think it's easy. My point is it's easy to hug babies and toddlers because they're cute, right? Little and little right. But it's harder when they get bigger and older and more awkward. Yes, and you get more awkward around them. Yes, and so I think the hug is just a great way to kind of, like, literally closed that space, right? And I've noticed since I've started doing the hugs morning and night, Um, I feel like my conversation of the kids has gotten better. You know? I mean, round that were like, talking philosophy or write the revelations of life. It's usually video games and who shot who shot that guy and what happened in the video game or whatever. You know what I mean? But it's like it's it's kind of chiseled away the rough edges, you know what I mean? Do you feel that way or you just like what?

spk_1:   9:50
Well, I have another observation. So we talked about the Love Languages way. Haven't talked about it on this podcast, but in our family, we talked about the love languages, and I think

spk_0:   10:01
mine's sarcasm.

spk_1:   10:02
Yeah, thinks he can write his

spk_0:   10:04
own. What, you change yours halfway through our marriage, those kids pulling on your like my leg. My Loveline would use the physical touch, but it's not anymore. So don't touch me and leave me alone. That's what six kids will do

spk_1:   10:17
six kids can do for your marriage.

spk_0:   10:19
Your husband loves you a lot. I'm sorry you're talking about

spk_1:   10:25
in all seriousness for, um are teenagers and our pre teens who are getting to that awkward stage for those that have a need for physical touch, like as a love language,

spk_0:   10:38
which again everybody does.

spk_1:   10:40
Everybody has some. And our kids who are who have love languages as a primary physical touch his primary love language even more so that they have that very normal, very healthy hunger for touch. And if we don't step into that is moms and dads, then that Onley further pushes them into their search. You know, searching with piers and all kinds of other things that you know if we can give them a healthy Huggett home. And that doesn't make them quite as gung ho about the opposite sex. Right now, I'm all for that. And I think it's okay for us to verbalize that it can be awkward because, like our 14 year old now is taller than I am is bigger. He weighs more than I do like he is in a man body, even though he's still, you know, growing into a man. But he's not there yet, but as a woman. There are times that, like hell come up behind me or something. And I have, like, almost a knee jerk reaction of, like,

spk_0:   11:48
another man's coming coming behind

spk_1:   11:52
and he'll come rub my shoulders or do something. And then I have to, like, intentionally process like this is my baby boy. It's

spk_0:   11:59
so weird that

spk_1:   12:00
he's in the body of a giant, right? So I think it's okay that we acknowledge that that can be there, but it doesn't have to mean that it stops us from taking intentional steps.

spk_0:   12:13
Right, Right, right, right. And you know what? You might just have to work toward that, right? I just told my kid like, Stand up here. I'm giving you a hug. That's what it was. But it was in the community. It was in the group. It was like, you know, everybody's kind of Ugo, like stand here like a man. I would give you a hug and everybody's like, Okay, right. And I think I said like John, like John gives hugs. Okay? You don't because somebody already aware of that, But but yeah, like our four year old, he loves it now.

spk_1:   12:44
Oh, yeah,

spk_0:   12:44
it's like it's like, Oh, yeah. But, I mean, he's verbalized it multiple times, right? And then our oldest one, too. So I think there's something to it. Yes, and I try to give you a hug. Now,

spk_1:   12:54
I was gonna say, I have to say, even as your wife, I appreciate being included in

spk_0:   12:59
Yeah, Yeah, that's good.

spk_1:   13:01
Like there's no strings attached.

spk_0:   13:03
I don't know. Sometimes you look at because don't try to hug you in the morning. You're like, uh, you just kind of. But then at night, I'm done for the night, right. So I'm gonna give you a hug, like I'm, uh and then you're like, Yep, yep, yep,

spk_1:   13:18
I know. And you don't hear any of it. Okay, so the problem is that a lot of us feel disconnected, And part of that is because we're disconnected from physical touch with people, even people that were in relationships with and that causes stress on a very almost like a primitive level. Um, and so an easy way to deal with that is to start being intentional about giving hugs.

spk_0:   13:44
And so I will say this. There's been several men. I mean, guys that I've known for a long time that I've never given a hug. So here lately I just walked up to him were like, Hey, how are you? I just went straight for the hug. We're like, uh, good. They did. It was awkward. And I didn't say, Boy, that was awkward, wasn't it? But I just wanted to him. I gave him a man hug, and I just did. I was like, You know what? I'm just gonna do that. That's gonna be my go to, you know?

spk_1:   14:07
Yeah. I mean, what's the result? Men?

spk_0:   14:10
I don't know. But I felt like for me, it was like like, I'm just gonna do this. I'm not like it's not even by again. I'm not gonna be the strange weirdo, right? And you know me? Yes. If I could avoid just talking to people, I would, but I think it's good for me to give hugs.

spk_1:   14:25
Right. Okay. I like, and I'm gonna go out there like it's okay. I mean, you definitely need to be socially appropriate. Everything like the side hug is okay.

spk_0:   14:36
Yeah. Yeah.

spk_1:   14:37
You know,

spk_0:   14:37
like, I'm not gonna go up to a woman and just give her a big man hug, right? You know what I mean? Like, That's right. That's about good, right? I don't think

spk_1:   14:46
so. The side hug.

spk_0:   14:47
That's not me. Anyway, when it's

spk_1:   14:48
your family, right? Yeah. Like, you know, big, find

spk_0:   14:52
your limits. I mean, maybe need to start with high fives, you know, and maybe whatever.

spk_1:   14:57
Okay. Very good. Thank you for taking time to tune in and hang out with us. Remember, you are valuable. And what you do matters, you are also not alone. Connect with us. We'll give you a virtual hug and the risk of the less dress family community. You can connect with us on Facebook instagram and on our website. L s f podcast dot com, please subscribe so that you can hear about other life hacks and tips some of our successes and failures.

spk_0:   15:30
Yeah, I wish you could see my wife here because when she says, remember your valuable and what you do matters like you're pointing at the microphone I want It's intense because it is intense. Have a blessed day. All right. Thank you.