spk_1:   0:00
well, Teoh family podcast where we believe you all fallible and what you do matters Thistles.

spk_0:   0:25
Episode number 53 I am Justin,

spk_1:   0:27
and I'm showing the wood.

spk_0:   0:29
Hey, honey, how are you?

spk_1:   0:31
Get in here.

spk_0:   0:32
That's good. Hay. The rain is moving out. I think we could go for a walk.

spk_1:   0:37
That would be fantastic.

spk_0:   0:38
Well, it would be good for us. It probably good for our kids not to see us for a few minutes. Yes, so good. What we're talking about today.

spk_1:   0:45
So speaking of kids, we're talking about what to do when your kids fight.

spk_0:   0:51
Yeah. This is a question from Daniel. Yes, she wanted to know.

spk_1:   0:55
She said, Hey, I got an idea for you about to talk about when your kids start fighting and you don't know who is actually in the right and who's in the wrong.

spk_0:   1:03
And then we said we don't know anything about that.

spk_1:   1:05
Our kids never fight. So it actually makes me laugh Thinking about you know, when you hear. When I was a little girl, I loved Teoh here. My dad and his siblings talk about when they were kids because it's so hard when you're little to imagine that your parents were ever kids in the first place and then to hear about, like, the mischief they got in and that kind of thing. And so the warden be parenting style, which is my maiden name that my father's parents had. They had five kids that they were raising, and so one of their parenting strategies was that if anything occurred, they would line up all five Children and spank them all right, because and I used to think I was like my grand parents were like, cruel. But now that I'm a parent and I have six Children, I'm like, No, they were just efficient efficiency, like one of the stories that they told was actually that my aunt, they had been playing around, I guess, probably jumping on the beds or something like that at night and had fallen and actually broken a bone. She did. She fell, broke a bone, and no one. All the other kids, like, covered up her mouth and muffled her so she would not cry. And their parents were not here, would not let her leave the bedroom because it was bedtime and because they didn't want to get lined up and spanked. So the next morning she's like hobbling down the stairs into the kitchen, and her mom is like, what is happening? And she's like, those night broken collarbone. Eso Is it really? I think that it was a collarbone anyway,

spk_0:   2:53
Broken, bone broken. She had to get medical

spk_1:   2:56
treatment, has hit medical treatment, but they didn't want to get spanked, so they didn't let her go talk to the parents.

spk_0:   3:02
All right, I dio there is something just about hearing old stories. You know, as I remember my dad saying, you know, like for church on Sunday, they would get dressed, you know, in their best clothes. And basically, my his mom would say, Don't get muddy or something, you know? Whatever, right? Can we go out and play? Well, we're about to go cherish. Don't get money. So evidently he and his one of his brothers, Um, because Ronnie Yeah. Five. Kidd. I think Ron Iwas they both went out and played and got dirty. And so, dad in the house first e I think he got a weapon. Some kind. Uh and so he came back out to his brother.

spk_1:   3:42
He's like, Hey, Ronnie, Mom's got a surprise for you

spk_0:   3:47
so that he wouldn't. Yeah, but I understand that even more now because the kids this

spk_1:   3:53
week, one of our kids just wallowed in the mud. I was like, What do you do it? I was just playing like this. Like, don't get muddy. Okay? He came back in. It was covered in mud. Like, What

spk_0:   4:06
are you doing? So I understand that now.

spk_1:   4:09
Yeah, A

spk_0:   4:09
little more. Yeah. Okay. So kids fighting Yes. Ready, set. Go.

spk_1:   4:13
OK, so we kind of had a little little bit differently, but pretty much the same way.

spk_0:   4:19
Which one? You mean differently.

spk_1:   4:20
Like you

spk_0:   4:21
and I. How are sort on this

spk_1:   4:23
is pretty much on the same page, but there's still, like a father version and a

spk_0:   4:26
mother. Maria, I would say so. So it is important. I would say to be on the same page. Yes, that that's something that's good to be on the same.

spk_1:   4:35
Yeah, Beyond your Children fighting. It's good for your marriage,

spk_0:   4:39
right? Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So to know, to know where you stand, at least like we're not making were kind of making the same call,

spk_1:   4:47
right? Like the same way, it looks a little different. Okay, Okay. So the reason that this causes stress, obviously, is that if you're a parent living in a household with kids arguing,

spk_0:   4:59
especially during the Kobe girl Oh, my goodness. Especially like the rain. It's been the past two days.

spk_1:   5:04
I know when they're inside, they can't burn that energy in that kind of thing. So number one, it makes you crazy. Teoh here. So straight fighting, crying, the yelling that whatever there is,

spk_0:   5:15
Right? Right. The body slamming. Yes,

spk_1:   5:17
Number two. It's stressful when they come to you and the like. Mom. So what did something Or you know, Dad, He did have a bit of that. And then, of course, the guilty party. I mean, on occasion. But not very often are they gonna be like, Yes, Yes, Mother. I am the guilty one. That was like, Well, he did this first,

spk_0:   5:39
right? Right. You get in the whole thing,

spk_1:   5:41
So yeah, So it's stressful on multiple layers. So And

spk_0:   5:45
I've noticed do people who say boys and girls are not different. Oh, my gosh!

spk_1:   5:50
All right,

spk_0:   5:51
boys. Yeah. The boys fight and argue differently than girls do.

spk_1:   5:55
Oh, yeah,

spk_0:   5:56
Girls are. Well, they're just different. Boys will just body slam each other. Punch, kick, hit, Whatever. So much more quick. Quicker, I guess than girls.

spk_1:   6:07
I mean, Hosanna you just look at her crooked, and then she starts to cry,

spk_0:   6:11
Gets whiny.

spk_1:   6:12
Yeah, I really want

spk_0:   6:13
you. So not to say all of our kids, but I mean, boys just let's just deal with this right now on a physical

spk_1:   6:19
level by am, right. And for her, it's like she called me this or whatever. Yeah, it's different,

spk_0:   6:26
but they're they're still issues that need to be addressed. But the Yes, the child? Yeah, the way. The child. Yes. Very good. Thank you.

spk_1:   6:34
Yeah. Okay, so let's say hypothetically, two of our Children were to get into a fight.

spk_0:   6:40
I don't know that whatever happened.

spk_1:   6:41
Yeah. So how would you handle that?

spk_0:   6:43
How do I handle it?

spk_1:   6:45
And can we just say that we're not the perfect parents way? Not have thought this

spk_0:   6:51
was the question. So we're going try to answer the question, just give you some something to think about, um, if part of it with six kids, if my job was to be chief or chief of police and judge and jury and lawyer for my kids. Through all these arguments and stuff like, I just don't have time for it, right? It's obviously your grand parents did not have time for they just line them up. Spank. Oh, let's just deal with it is just hang them high, right, So we don't do that. But we basically have a general rule that we got from love and logic, right? The basically says when you waste my time, you basically have to pay it back somehow. Right? So for me to stop what I'm doing, like this past week, I'm writing this book, hopefully getting a finish that this week hope. But when people are arguing and fussing and fighting, I have to take off my chainsaw muffs that I have on so that I can focus, right? And I have to go. Yeah, because I'm trying to block the sounds of just life. But I go to them and, like, I just like for me I was like, OK, everybody go lay down. I don't have time to deal with this. Everybody go lay down in your beds and they're like, uh, you know this the usual, but I like lay down, or you will have, you know, im or whatever secure consequences of usually screen time is our are things like you take away screen time, especially on a rainy day, especially during this covert stuff. I mean, that's pretty brutal on them,

spk_1:   8:24
Right? Right. Yeah, that consequent. I sort

spk_0:   8:28
of treat it like the Horse Whisperer, which most, but I don't know if you know, like he's a guy. I can hear his name. Anyway, the whole idea with a horse whisper is you keep the horse more stressed until it gets to the place where you want it. And then when it gets to that place, you let it rest and relax. You don't stress it in a sense of, like, trying to maneuver it. So I want my kids like when they get out of that place of, like, peaceful existence and cohabitation with their with their family and friends, write another word cohabitating. Yeah. When they get that place, I

spk_1:   9:05
want their life

spk_0:   9:05
to just to fit. I want them to feel stress and lots of different ways. That's my That's how I deal with it. Okay. What do you mean, we'll go into more detail. But that's that's the rough

spk_1:   9:16
framework. I

spk_0:   9:17
want them to know. They have cost me time and energy. And so they'll have to repay that back somehow,

spk_1:   9:24
right? And so I have the same, like, Okay, if you're gonna take my time and my energy to solve this dispute, then you're going to have to pay me back for my time and energy. Somehow, somehow and so generally, I give them away like I need to have the baseboards cleaned that would give me time and energy back or go do the dishes or any number of chores that need to be done or extra chores that I was going to do. But I couldn't do because I was busy being the judge and jury for them.

spk_0:   9:59
Right? Here's what I noticed to Justus, a general rule. It's like if you go in to an argument with your kids and you try to solve it, it ends up like cops, like we never watched that. But it's like, you know what? Like what happened here and you, you get some crackhead and you get some other crackhead trying to explain the situation, and then the police are trying to defuse the situation, dealing with two crackheads, you know? So I feel like that with my kids like that. Like emotionally distraught, They're very wrapped up, very much charged, emotionally charged. So it's not a very good time for me to like, come. There's really no way anybody is going to solve that problem at that point. So I usually separate them. Hey, you go. Here you go. Here, be quiet. Don't wanna hear anything right now.

spk_1:   10:47
And then later on. Yeah, it has dropped down. Exactly. And it's a good time for you then. Exactly teaching on. Okay. What happened? Let's work on. The communication was work on. How could you have handled this differently? That kind of thing,

spk_0:   11:03
right in our main goal, my mingle is for them to internalize there policing of themselves like it has to be within them. That's the goal, you know. I know every parent kind of with it, but I don't want them to have to come to us for the answer every time. Right? That's hard to get toward toward that direction. But that is the goal. And I tell them that I was like, Listen, guys, you're gonna be older, you're gonna be out of this house. You're gonna have to figure out how to work with and, you know, with people you don't like. And you know, all those kind of speeches. Yeah, least of the old. I

spk_1:   11:34
think even with the younger ones, like when they have to go to a chore because they've taken my time right then they're smart. They will learn, you know, like, hey, let's not go bother Mom with this, because then we're gonna have to go do X y Z, or we're gonna lose screen time, right? Whatever. Right. Uncomfortable stressor is, you know, let's go solve it ourselves,

spk_0:   11:57
right? And sort of in the same thought in the same gear, like when this whole Kobe thing and were shut down, I realized that I had not given good direction and structure for the kids. Like in the morning. I was like, OK, I've got to start writing on the book. You were downstairs in the meeting online. I was writing. I was like, You only find something quite to do no older to They love to read. Not a problem. The other ones who can't read or readings, not their favorite thing. That was just too vague, you know, it was too vague to everything, so I kind of set them up where they didn't have structure. They didn't know what the goal was on a good day that could have figured it out like eventually, But they were not having a great day, you know what I mean? So it was my fault because I hadn't set him up, right? And then I realized after they were arguing and bickering and to the point where I had to take my chainsaw muffs off and like, Go deal with that. I was like, Oh, they don't know what they're doing. Like, Hey, what? Can you tell me something? What? Can you do this quiet? What can you do? That's whatever. And the Oh, we could do this in this. Okay? I don't care which one. Which one do you don't do? Well, we could do this, but I don't want to do it. Okay, Well, why don't you do this one and then after a little bit, you could do that one, OK? And it was completely solved, but the problem was my fault. I just give him too much freedom at that point. And they were just gonna be loud, because those other kids, they're always right, Right? Right. Most louder. So part of that I didn't set them up for success, and they were fighting, but it was because they they just didn't know what to do, right? I

spk_1:   13:33
think the key point, you know, if you can't expect them to behave really well if they don't have certain things already set up for them Toso that there said that first success,

spk_0:   13:44
right? Right. Yeah. So the other thing, I think, super helpful. Just treat him like a police. If once they do fight it, I think you have to let them get emotionally down deescalate. Thank you, Um and then isolate him. And then I interrogate him. Well, one you don't mean, so I'll call one and I say, but everybody go go to your rooms. Go lay down. Just go lay down your beds. I'll deal with this a little bit, so wait, like a couple of minutes and I'll bring in the first child, usually the oldest child, and then I'm like, Hey, what happened? And then what I remember is that you know that can ask him, Was anything your fault or you know what I mean? What did you What could you have done? Different? Well, just like, you know, whatever. So they're bringing the other child and then bring in any witnesses.

spk_1:   14:29
And usually

spk_0:   14:29
it's just a communication problem,

spk_1:   14:31
right? Because they're with

spk_0:   14:32
each other a lot, right? And it's not like I think it's another thing. If sometimes there's legitimate arguments and fights when there's just new total new dynamics, you know, like a new kid, right? Like, you know, I mean, like, there's just not a cultural I don't understand culturally how to play your sandbox, right, you know? So anyway, those are my thoughts. What do you think?

spk_1:   14:57
I think those are good thoughts. I

spk_0:   15:00
think there's neither one of us, like, enjoy dealing with our kids are doing.

spk_1:   15:05
I don't know anybody that saying that does.

spk_0:   15:07
And we just intentionally were like, I want my kids to know I'm not gonna be a very good judge. I'm not gonna be a very good lawyer. I'm not gonna be. I want them to know that what I dish out will be worse if they if they compared to what If they could just work it out themselves, right? Like I don't want to come to me and think, Oh, Dad will be Justin fair. No, he's gonna be a little bit heavy.

spk_1:   15:30
Yeah. Yeah,

spk_0:   15:31
like, Oh, you have lost green time for today. Oh, my gosh. The world is over, right? Like I want them to know that I'm not fair.

spk_1:   15:41
Yeah, And I think encouraging them to solve on their own instead of being that, like, helicopter parent that rushes in and try to fix the problem. Like, how many times have I heard from another room or outside them saying, Oh, sorry. Don't Don't tell Mama this. And then I just, like, choose to be deaf in that moment, like they're gonna work it out and they're going to solve it. There is no reason for me to go interject.

spk_0:   16:09
Especially was one if one child's not being, like, continually picked on, you know what I mean? Like, it's a continual what,

spk_1:   16:16
right? It's not like a bowling issue.

spk_0:   16:18
Yeah. Yeah. And I do think changing their scenery and their situation is also a very good thing. Yeah, because we can tell once our kids are in the house and they get fussy and whining of looking each other for a while. Like you only go outside for a while. Right? And that really helps a lot of times changing. Just changing place in location. It always helps me. I think it helps them to.

spk_1:   16:41
Yeah. So? So, Danielle, I hope one more thing have been helpful. Hints

spk_0:   16:47
a reward for being good.

spk_1:   16:49
Yeah, way don't really when they've had good days,

spk_0:   16:54
Especially when we know we've got a lot to do. Yeah, And we're like, Hey, we've got a lot to do today. If you all can do this in this, um then whatever. Right? Whatever. You know, not a Disneyland trip, but like a, you know, write something where they're like, Oh, yeah, we're gonna do that this afternoon.

spk_1:   17:12
Yeah, And I think acknowledging the importance of them being peacemakers because it does allow us to get work done. It allows us to do whatever it just makes everything better for everybody.

spk_0:   17:23
Right? And there are times where it just like Listen, you've lost screen time for today and tomorrow, or you've lost this privilege because you've just been a jerk. You know, and they beg, It's handed out, and everybody's like, Oh, that's that's sad for that person. Yeah, whatever. That big thing is that you that you can take away from them, right? Like it's not fun. And we don't every, like, just not good to use that very often. You know what I mean? Like the nuclear threat,

spk_1:   17:49
right? Whatever your highest leverage. Yeah.

spk_0:   17:53
Don't use that very often, right? Sometimes you just have to drop the bomb on right there like, Oh, he can do that. We forgot,

spk_1:   18:00
right? Right? Yeah. And I think to and then we gotta wrap up here. But I think having the expectation like we expect our kids to get along, we have We actually have, like, really high expectations for what we expect. So we don't consider it to be normal that they're going to be fighting like that's just not what the accepted standard isn't. But

spk_0:   18:22
it is a daily thing they have to work through, right? And we have to help them because there's always fighting in our house.

spk_1:   18:29
Right? But we don't go around saying like, Well, we know you're gonna fight. Yeah, or you're

spk_0:   18:35
we know you're gonna punch because your boys,

spk_1:   18:36
right, Even if that's in the back of our head, we're not gonna like saying to them

spk_0:   18:42
because I've told you like it's not that bad hunting compared to what my brothers and I did.

spk_1:   18:46
Good grief. All right. Like I said, we're not experts, but we have had a little bit of experience here at the house, so I hope some of those tidbits are helpful and that you don't have fighting kids in your house today.

spk_0:   19:01
Look outside the window, That is

spk_1:   19:03
sunshine. Jesus does love us. All right. Thank you so much for taking time to listen and hang out with us. Remember, you are valuable and what you do matters moved. Love for you to connect with us on our podcast community on Facebook, on instagram or on our website. L s f podcast dot com Have a blessed day.

spk_0:   19:24
Thank you.