Ant and Chelly Break Records - Part 1

When Ant and Chelly get a book for their birthday they are a bit disgruntled, until they discover that it's a book of world records. They are soon inspired to start breaking records of their own. Unfortunately their attempts nearly trigger the destruction of the world, that is until Granny arrives...

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Today's story is part 1 of 'Ant and Chelly Break Records'.

Here we go...

Ant and Chelly were not ordinary kids.  They were twins for a start.  Normally when you think of twins you think of two people who look exactly alike.  But Ant was a boy and Chelly was a girl so that was an obvious difference right there.  

Also Ant was a large boy who, if I was to be unkind, might say somewhat resembled a potato.  But a very loveable and easy to get along with potato.  After all, who doesn’t like potato?  Mashed, fried, cut up as chips it’s all good.  

Whereas Chelly was smaller, wirier and she never ever stopped moving.  Unless she was asleep, but even then she would often kick out and mutter something angrily about whatever she was dreaming.  She boiled with energy and ideas.  This often made her exhausting to be around.

Now the best thing about being twins.  Apart from having someone the exact same age as you to copy your homework off… I mean be your study partner.  Is that you share the exact same birthday.  So there is none of the usual pettiness between siblings, one jealous of the other celebrating their special day.  When Ant and Chelly had their birthday it was just a flat out extravaganza of cake, presents and fun.  

But the single best thing about their birthday was always the same.  It was their present from Granny.  Granny had gotten a bit… what’s the polite way to put this… I know it’s not ‘bonkers’… let’s say ‘eccentric’, in her old age.  She wasn’t content to sit quietly in her nursing home doing crochet.  She kept annoying the staff by taking off and having adventures.  

Once she hitchhiked to Thailand, which was not easy because there is one sea and several countries in the way.  

Another time caught a plane to Argentina and became a semi-professional polo player on the over 70’s circuit.  

And on another occasion, when the nursing home took all the residents on a day-trip to the circus, Granny had so impressed the ringmaster with her fire breathing ability he had smuggled her away and she’d spent three months touring South Africa before she’d been deported home for travelling without a passport.

But taking holidays was not what Granny was best at.  Granny was best at buying presents.  Every year when Ant and Chelly’s birthday came around a parcel would arrive in the post and inside would be the most amazing thing they had never even thought of dreaming that they wanted. One year she sent them a six metre long Swiss alphorn that, when standing on the roof of their garage, could be heard 10 kilometres away.  Another year she’d been travelling in Japan so she sent them a robot that could make sushi.  And another year a basket arrived containing a skunk that she’d caught herself in the wilds of Canada. 

That had been a bit naughty.  You shouldn’t really give pets as presents because they are such a big responsibility.  But Ant and Chelly did have the most legendary show-and-tell ever when they took the skunk into school to show their class and it sprayed the student teacher who was filling in.  The student teacher had bathed in tomato juice for an hour and still couldn’t get the smell off.  In the end she’d had a career rethink and joined the army, just so that she could be sure she would never have to work with children again.

Anyway, I’ve been digressing for too long.  We really must get started with the story.  So here goes… 

It was the morning of their tenth birthday and Ant and Chelly were excitedly awaiting the arrival of the postman.  They’d already opened all their presents from their mum and dad.  There were totally cool video games, slime making kits, and an entire family sized box of chocolates each.  Now they were just waiting to see what they got from Granny because they knew, even though their presents had been awesome so far, Granny’s present would be a gazillion times better.  Perhaps even two gazillion times better like the time she got them a real laser that was so powerful it could melt bricks.

They sat in their living room, their faces pressed against the glass waiting for the first glimpse of the postman’s high-viz clothing.  It seemed like time slowed down to the trickle speed of molasses.  Even though the postman always promptly delivered the mail at 9.15 and it was now exactly 9.14 it felt like he would never come.  Then they saw it a flash of fluoro yellow through the azalea bush, the bob of a bald head peeking above the hedge, and finally the postman came into view.

Ant and Chelly burst out of the house.  Chelly got to the front door first because her reflexes were faster, but Ant’s legs were longer and he passed her as they both sprinted down the front path.  The postman didn’t even get a chance to put the parcel in the post box, before the twins wrenched it out of his hand.

“Thank you!” cried Chelly, over her shoulder as she and Ant ran back into the house.

The postman hurried away.  He would take being attacked by a large dog any day, in preference to over excited children.  You couldn’t secretly kick over excited children.  Well you could, but they would always dob on you.

Once inside, Ant and Chelly sat down and looked at the present.  They were not immediately impressed by the appearance of their parcel.  It wasn’t very big.  There were no exciting barbs or horns requiring extra bubble wrap.  It was a simple rectangular shaped package.  But they were not perturbed.  Fireworks or dangerous chemicals could easily be packaged in this type of small box.  They did not doubt their Grandmother’s gift giving potential.

The next question was, who would get to unwrap it.  Being democratic siblings they instinctively knew the answer.  Both of them.  They started ripping and tearing at the packaging with their bare hands, not even bothering to look for a pair of scissors.  Several of which had fallen down the back of the couch and were within arm’s reach.

Paper and plastic flew in every direction as the outer wrapping was decimated.  And finally, the gift was revealed, but nothing could prepare them for the shock of what they found inside.

“It’s a book!” said Ant. 

The amount of disgust and contempt he managed to infuse into that simple four letter word was deeply impressive.  He managed to make the word ‘book’ sound like a swear word.

“Are you sure?” asked Chelly, twisting her head over to look on the underside, “Maybe it’s some kind of trick.  And there’s a flesh eating piranha stored inside.”

Ant opened the book so the pages fell open.  “No, it’s definitely just a book.”  

Now he made the word ‘book’ sound like a hideous offence, meant to deeply insult the recipient.

Chelly took the book from him.  She closed it again, then opened the front cover.  Just in case it was some sort of magic trick, so that it looked like a book, but when shut it would transform into a bunny rabbit.  But regrettable there was no rabbit.

“I can’t believe it,” said Chelly, “A book.”  She made the word ‘book’ sound like some sort of ancient foreign object that was inconceivable to have any value in modern society.

“Do you think she is angry with us for some reason?” asked Ant, “Maybe she’s sending us this to punish us.”

“Granny would never do that,” said Chelly, “She likes it when we’re naughty.  She says it shows character.”

“I know!” said Ant, “Perhaps she’s been kidnapped by aliens and sending this book is her way of secretly signalling for help.”

“I doubt it,” said Chelly, “If an alien did try to kidnap her she’d do some of her tricky martial arts on them and make them accept her as their leader.”

“True,” agreed Ant, she’d done a similar thing to the postman when once he’d said ‘good morning’ a little too jauntily, while she was napping on a sun lounger on the front lawn.

Chelly turned the first page.  “There’s a note!” said Chelly, as she turned to the title page, she saw a hand-written message from their Grandmother.

Dear Ant and Chelly, 

I hope you find this gift inspirational. 

Love, Granny.

“What does that mean?” asked Ant.

“I think we’re going to have to read the book to find out,” said Chelly.

“Urgh, not reading,” said Ant, writhing in distress,  “That’s the worst.”

“It won’t be too bad,” said Chelly, “I think there are pictures.”

So they both slumped back on the couch and started to read the book.

“The Book of World Records,” Chelly said aloud as she read the printed text on the title page.  She turned the page, fully expecting to be bored witless.  That did not happen.  As soon as they saw the first photograph they were horrified.

“Ewwww!” they both screamed.

“What is that?” yelled Ant, as he hid his head under a sofa cushion.

“I don’t know!” wailed Chelly as she pressed her hands over her eyes.

Ant peeked out from under the cushion.  “It looks like some sort of horrific scientific experiment gone wrong.”

Chelly squinted through her fingers, trying to read the print without focusing on the picture, “It says it is the man with the world’s longest finger nails.  They measure 9 metres and 9 point 6 centimetres.”

“But how does he go to the toilet?” asked Ant.  “How does he wipe his bottom?”

“Oh gosh, I hope he doesn’t,” said Chelly.  “So so unhygienic.”

“Quick turn the page, the picture is traumatising me,” said Ant.

Chelly flicked over, but she found the next image confusing too.  “Why is that man on fire?” she asked.

“It says… Longest distance dragged on horseback while whole body is on fire,” read Ant.

“But why would anyone do that?” asked Chelly.

“These people are bonkers,” said Ant.

And so the day progressed.  Ant and Chelly spent three hours reading the Book of World Records from cover to cover and it was the most engrossing, horrifying, shocking and disgusting book they had ever read.  In short, they loved it!

“This is the best book ever,” said Ant in awe.

“I know,” said Chelly, “But you know what we have to do now?”

“Send Granny a thank you letter for sending it?” asked Ant.

“Yeah right, as if the mail service will be able to find her in Paraguay,” said Chelly, “No now, we have to get in this book!”

“What?” said Ant.

His mind was momentarily perplexed and he was imagining living inside a collection of pages.

“A new edition of this book is published every year.  We should break a World Record and get our photo in the next book,” said Chelly.

“That would be so awesome!” said Ant.

“Obviously some of these things are impossible,” said Chelly.

“I am not growing my fingernails nine metres long,” said Ant.

“No, that would be disgusting and it would take too long,” said Chelly.

“And I’m not letting a swarm of bees land on my face,” said Ant.

“Of course not,” said Chelly, “No one would be able to tell it was you in the picture.  But some of these things are easy.  Most balloons popped in one minute, furtherst pogo jump, most drinking straws shoved in your mouth we could beat all of those this afternoon.”

“Let’s do it!”

The end. Tune in next week to hear the conclusion of this story.

Thank you for listening. To support this podcast just buy a book by me, R.A. Spratt. There are lots to choose from from across the Nanny Piggins, Friday Barnes and Peski Kids series. You can order them from your local bookseller or go to my website raspratt.com and click on the Book Depository banner. They have all my titles and free international shipping. That's it for now. Until next time. Good bye.