'Achilles and the Big Sulky Tantrum' as told by Nanny Piggins

Nanny Piggins continues with the story of the Trojan War, explaining the importance of childish behaviour in the progress of the military campaign.

Come along to the Book Launch Show for ‘Friday Barnes 14, Nothing to Lose’. I’ll be telling the stories behind the ideas in the book, doing a live reading and probably singing a song about it. Books will be available for purchase and I will be signing them after the show.

Arts Theatre (Adelaide)
20th September 2026, 2pm

Darling Quarter (Sydney)
26th September 2026, 2pm

Powerhouse Theatre (Brisbane)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Well, it's been a huge week here. My book, The Epically Awesome Odyssey, as Told by Nanny Piggins, which I created just for this podcast and now has spun off and become its own book. That came out on Tuesday last week. So I've been out promoting it up in Sydney. I went up and I went around six bookstores in the centre of Sydney and was signing stock, so there's lots of signed stock there. But it's it should be out in bookshops all across Australia, so you should be able to get it anywhere. And if you're overseas, you can even get it, you can get an Australian copy shipped to you now because we've got an online Australian bookshop that uh that ships internationally called thenile.com.au. That's obviously the web address, thenile.com.au, and they'll ship you a copy. So that's great. Uh the all the people that have had trouble finding my books overseas can now get a hold of them. Uh so that's it. What else has been going on? Oh, I went to Supernova on Friday. That was incredible. It the supernova's like Comic-Con, and um I'd never been to anything like that before, and it was wonderful. It was like, you know, going to a different country. There's because it's its own culture with all these amazing people dressed up, and uh, there's obviously all the comic books um stands and the people signing comic books and things, but there was all sorts of cool things. There was a whole stand full of like fidget spinners and fidget devices, and there were several stands selling swords, which I was fascinated by. I did, I don't think I need a samurai sword, but I was looking at the samurai swords thinking, ooh, they're pretty cool, um, and then trying to imagine what I could possibly, what excuse I could use when I came home with a sword, what I would tell my husband. But um, I didn't get one. I was responsible. Anyway, so that's what I did last week, and here I am back at home. Um, I've got to go back up to Sydney tomorrow to record another audiobook. They're getting me to record uh Friday Barnes 14, which is coming out in September. Uh so that's a bit hectic. So I've got to I've got to get this done so I can upload it and you'll have a podcast this week. So we better get into it. Uh we're gonna continue on with the story of the Trojan War because um my next cunning plan is to um put together all these episodes about the Trojan War and have a book ready for my publisher about that. Um, if the Epically Awesome Odyssey does well. So, yeah, let's plow on with the Trojan War and uh the next instalment of what happens in that adventure. So it's gonna be today's episode is called Achilles and the Big Sulk, as told by Nanny Piggins. Here we go. The Trojan War dragged on for nine long years. I know physicists claim that time is a constant, but it does seem to go slower when you're doing boring things, and there is nothing more boring than trying and failing to get through a wall. The big turning point in the war was not because of a battle or a strategy or a brilliant military plan. The turning point was when Achilles had a big sulky tantrum. Achilles, the legendary hero, asked Derek. The one who was invincible and could only be injured on his ankle because his mum dipped him in the river sticks, asked Michael. Yes, that's the one, said Nanny Piggins. Well, throwing a sulky tantrum doesn't sound very heroic, said Samantha. To be fair, it was an epically spectacular tantrum, said Nanny Piggins. He never did things by halves. You'd better tell us exactly what happened, said Derek. All right, I will, said Nanny Piggins. But let's get some Turkish delight while I tell the tale. Troy was where Turkey is now, so it's important to eat culturally appropriate snacks to get you in the spirit of a good story. As soon as the children had a two-kilogram bag of chocolate-covered Turkish delight in their hands each, Nanny Piggins began the tale. While the Greeks were sitting outside the walls of Troy trying to break in, they didn't just sit around doing nothing. They kept busy. They went around to all the nearby cities with less well-built walls, and vanquished their smaller regional armies, burned their crops, and stole everything that wasn't nailed down, including the people. What? said Derek. They stole people, said Nanny Piggles. They took them as slaves. Well that's not very nice, said Michael. No, it's about as unnice as a thing can be, agreed Nanny Piggins. But war isn't nice. Slavery was just one of the very long list of not nice things going on. After a raid, the Greeks would take all the treasure they'd stolen, including their new slaves, back to their camp on the beach near Troy and share the prizes out between them. Agamemnon was the general in charge of the whole Greek army, so he would always be given the best prize. In this case, it was a lady slave called Chrysius, and Achilles was the best warrior, so he got the second best prize, a lady slave called Breesius. Agamemnon and Achilles were delighted. They both loved having a slave, because their slaves could pick up their stinky socks for them, do all their washing, and bake them as many cakes as they wanted to eat. And at the end of the day of a long day killing Trojans, they often didn't have the energy to bake or pick up socks for themselves. And Chrysius and Bricius was so good at picking up socks and baking cakes that Agamemnon and Achilles both fell in love. The whole Greek army loved them too. Their leader's socks had never smelled so clean and well laundered. They didn't smell nearly as bad as they usually did. But there was a problem. Agamemnon's slave, Chrysius, was in fact quite an important person back in her hometown. She was the daughter of the priest there. Now, obviously taking slaves is terrible, but a lot of the time the Greeks never intended to keep the slaves. They would just hold on to them until the slave's family could get together a lot of money and come and pay a ransom to get them back. And that is exactly what Crysus' father did. He gathered up all his money and all his jewels, put them in a wheelbarrow, and took them over to the Greek camp. Great Agamemnon, said the priest, you have vanquished our city fairly in war, and taken my daughter into slavery. Could you please return her? I would be ever so grateful, and will give you all my wealth in exchange. Now Agamemnon was a king. He already had lots of wealth, but he only had one slave to pick up his stinky socks and bake him cakes, so he got upset. No, go away, you pestilent priest, or I'll smack you about the head with your own stick. How rude, said the priest. I don't care, said Agamemnon. I love Chryseus. My tent smells so much better since she started picking up my stinky socks, so I'm not giving her back. But I am the priest of the god, Apollo, said the priest. Apollo will be very angry when he hears about this. Well, I have Zeus on my side, said Agamemnon, and Zeus is stronger than Apollo, so I can do whatever I like. Now go away. The priest did go away, feeling very crotchety indeed. He went straight to his temple, knelt down before the altar, and sent up a prayer to Apollo. Oh Apollo, who I have worshipped with prayers and sacrifices for all my life. Hear me now. Agamemnon is being such a big meanie. He was very rude to me, and since I'm your priest, that means he was very rude to you. Upon Mount Olympus, Apollo heard this prayer, and he immediately got very cross. No way, said Apollo. That cheeky king. It never does take much to get a Greek god cross, does it? said Derek. No, agreed Nanny Piggins, and Apollo is not a good god to anger. Are any of them good gods to anger? asked Samantha. Well, a wood nymph probably couldn't do you too much harm. Make a tree fall on your head, perhaps. But at least that would be a quick death. But Apollo was, amongst other things, the god of pestilence and disease, so he could inflict much more horrible horrors. Apollo swooped down from Mount Olympus with his bow and arrow. And his arrows weren't regular arrows. His arrows carried pestilence and disease, and he fired them into the Greek army. Literally, he fired arrows, asked Derek. No, Apollo and the arrows were invisible, said Nanny Piggins. But disease is so teeny tiny, it's pretty much invisible too. But being hit with an invisible arrow of deadly disease is just as effective as being hit with a visible arrow made of wood and steel, in fact, more effective. What do you mean? asked Michael. Well, if you strike a soldier down with cholera, there's a good chance that every soldier in his unit will catch it off him. Then, before you know it, you've got twenty dead soldiers, not just one. And Apollo was so angry he didn't just strike down the men. He fired his disease arrows into the Greek army's horses and dogs as well. Oh, what a meanie, said Boris. It's one thing to kill hundreds of men, but to kill a puppy dog and a horsey, that's just cruel. Indeed, the Greeks were beside themselves. They had no idea what was going on. They could tell the gods were angry with them, because in the ancient story days, when people suddenly start dying of invisible things, it's usually the gods causing it. But they had no idea what the gods were angry about. They were doing so many wicked things on a daily basis, they had no idea which one had set Apollo off. So they got their own priest, an oracle called Calchos, to get in touch with the gods and ask them what was going on. Calchos prayed to the gods and found out that Apollo was angry about Agamemnon being rude to his priest. But Calchos didn't want to die, so he wasn't going to tell Agamemnon that. Kings never like getting bad news. But Achilles was invincible, apart from his ankles, so he got Achilles to break the bad news to Agamemnon. And the problem with that is that tact and diplomacy was not Achilles' strong suit. Wasn't his main talent killing people? said Derek. Yes, it was. He was very good at that. He was also good at being handsome. But if you're good looking and deadly, you don't really need to be good at anything else. So he could be quite rude. He went to the king's tent and boldly declared, Agamemnon, you big daff, dog-licking, brainless nitwit, said Achilles. The reason everyone is dying is because Apollo is punishing you for being rude to his priest. Give back the priest's daughter. Apologize to him for being a big selfish meanie, and say sorry to Apollo as well, before we all die. Because we're never gonna win the Trojan War if our whole army is full of dead bodies. How dare you, said Agamemnon. I do dare because you are a big lazy bones who never goes into battle himself, then gets all the best prizes. You don't even need a slave. Your socks never get dirty anyway, because you never leave your tent, you just sit around eating, and thinking up more ways for us to risk our lives getting you more prizes. You're a great big greedy guts and a meanie pants, and we're all sick of it. So give back crisis, because if we run out of Vic's paper rub, this disease is gonna get really disgusting. Yeah! cried the men. They agreed with Achilles. They were tired of being at war. They didn't want their nine years of valiant fighting to end with them all dying of a nasty cold. Now, there were 50,000 men in the Greek army, and Agamemnon realized that he couldn't argue with all 50,000 at once. Well, he could, but that would be a good way to get his head chopped off. He realized he would have to relent, but he was very, very cross about it. Fine, fine, I'll give Crisis back. Hooray! cried the men. But it's not fair that I have to give back my prize and no one else does, complained Agamemnon. I'll give her back, but then I'm taking Achilles' prize, Breesus, to make up for it. Achilles gasped. But I love Breesus! My smelly socks don't even touch the ground before she whisks them away for a good washing. Tough, said Agamemnon. I'm the general in charge, and it's unfitting that I don't get a prize. But I'm the one who actually fights in the battles, argued Achilles. You're just a great big oaf with a crown on his head. But I'm the oaf in charge. And if I have to give up my prize, you have to give me yours. You naughty man, said Achilles. Fine, you can take my beloved slave and sock picker upper, but if you do, I will never again fight for you. I will take my army and sail home to Greece. Fine, said Agamemnon. Fine, said Achilles, fine, said Agamemnon. And Achilles stormed off. Uh, boss, said Odysseus. If you remember, Odysseus was Agamemnon's chief military advisor. Um, what did you just do? Achilles is the greatest warrior in the entire world. He's completely invincible, except for his ankles, so we need him. Piffle to that, I am the great Agamemnon! I don't need Achilles to beat these puny Trojans. Well, we haven't beaten them in nine years even with Achilles, Odysseus pointed out. Pish, we don't need him, said Agamemnon. Meanwhile, Achilles went back to his tent, took all his golden armour off. Wait a second, his armour was made of gold? exclaimed Samantha. Well, you don't get a reputation for being the most handsome soldier in the Greek army without taking care of your appearance, said Nanny Piggins. But I doubt it was solid gold. That would be very heavy. Also, gold is soft, and therefore not very good at repelling spears and swords. But if he was invincible, except for his ankles, said Michael, why did he have to wear armour at all? He could just have worn a little bit of armour around his ankles. That's a good point, said Nanny Piggins. The historians have never thought of that one. Maybe that's why his armor was made of gold, just to make him look even more beautiful. Or perhaps it was gold so it would be shiny, and the sun could glint off it and get in his enemy's eyes, said Boris. They didn't have sunglasses back in the ancient Greek mythology days, so that would have been ever so uncomfortable for the Trojans. Maybe so, conceded Nanny Piggins. Anyway, as soon as the shiny golden armor was off, Achilles flung himself face down on the beach and wept. Not that there's anything wrong with weeping, said Boris. His own eyes were looking a bit watery already, just hearing about somebody else weeping. Now, you will remember that Achilles' mother was Thetis, who was a sea nymph, and at that time she was at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. Dancing and frolicking? asked Michael. Most likely that is what nymphs do, agreed Nanny Piggins. Anyway, Thetis heard her son weeping, and Achilles was her favourite son. Um, didn't she burn all her other sons in a fire? asked Derek. Yes, that's how you could tell that Achilles was her favourite, said Nanny Piggins. Generally speaking, Thetis was not the best role model for mothers everywhere. But she did love Achilles, so she rushed to him. Thetis appeared out of the waves by the beach and reached out to comfort her son. Oh my little Bubby Boo, my darling Achille Willie, what is it? asked Thetis. Oh, mum, Agamemnon is a big meanie. He took my sock, picker upra, sobbed Achilles. Oh no, said Thetis. She was a shocking enabler of her son's terrible behaviour. He's dishonored me, said Achilles. Thetis gasped. There was nothing worse you could do to a Greek soldier than dishonoring him. What, even worse than chopping his head off? asked Michael. Oh yes. Ancient Greek soldiers would much prefer to have their heads chopped off than be dishonored. They weren't the most deeply sensible people. But deeply sensible people don't make for good storybook heroes, so we should be grateful. If Achilles was an accountant from the suburbs who always made cautious decisions and behaved sensibly, we would not be telling the story of his life three and a half thousand years later. Mommy, could you please ask your ex-boyfriend, Zeus, to doom the entire Greek army to lose every battle they fight until King Agamemnon comes grovelling back to me, giving me back my sock picker opera and apologizing for being a meanie, and then begging me to fight for him again? Wait, said Derek, Achilles was a general, and he wanted the Greek army to lose, causing thousands of his countrymen to die, just so he could get his slave back? Yes, a sense of proportion was not big amongst Greek heroes. And nymphs were not great on ethics, they focused more on dancing and frolicking. Oh, for you, my darling, anything, said Thetis, with which she transported herself to Mount Olympus. How? asked Samantha. Thetis was a water nymph, and the gods lived on the top of Mount Olympus. I don't know, said Nanny Piggins. Perhaps there was a stream and she swam up that to get to the top. Anyway, she got there, and Zeus owed her a favour. Thetis threw herself at Zeus's knees and begged him for help. Oh Zeus, most handsome of the gods, remember the days when you thought I was the most beautiful nymph in the world and you wanted to marry me? Shh, said Zeus, looking about to check if his wife was nearby. Don't say that! Hera might hear you. Oh, Zeus, you tease me so, said Thetis. Remember how I saved your life, and now you owe me a great big favour? Get up, you silly sea nymph, said Zeus. If Hera catches you hugging my knees and kissing my toga, she'll kill you. Or worse, she'll kill me. I'll tell you what, said Thetis. I'll stop hugging and kissing you if you make the Greek army lose every battle they fight until my son's honour has been restored. By honour you mean the slave who picks up his stinky socks, queried Zeus. Yes, that's the one, agreed Thetis, still hugging his knees. Fine, fine, but quick, get out of here before Hera sees you. Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Zeus knew he had to be subtle. Hera would be cross if she realized he was siding with Achilles. So Zeus couldn't just go down to the battle and start throwing thunderbolts about. He had to make it look like Agamemnon was losing because of his own idiocy. Luckily, Agamemnon was an idiot, so this was easy to achieve. Zeus went down and spoke to Agamemnon through a dream. He pretended to be Nestor, a very wise old Greek man, and as Nestor, he told Agamemnon what to do. Agamemnon, said the dream Nestor, you should totally attack Troy tomorrow morning. You don't need Achilles. He's just a crybaby. All the men will think you are super awesome if you lead them into battle yourself. So when Agamemnon woke up the next morning, he decided to do just that. He gathered the whole Greek army, except for Achilles and his soldiers, and then they set off to attack the city of Troy. While Achilles sat on the beach sulking about his sock picker opera, and his men sulked about not getting to go and kill people with the rest of the Greek army. The end. Time for bed. Hey, wait, you can't leave it there, said Derek. The battle's just starting. Oh I know, said Nanny Piggins, but it's the story of the Trojan War. It's not a short story. Besides, I can't possibly tell you the whole thing today. I've run out of Turkish delight. I'll tell you the rest next time. The end. Alright, well, we'll leave it there. So that's the beginning of like we're getting into the whole story of basically this the story of the Iliad or the Trojan War. It's this big story that Homer wrote about the last couple of days. So all this action, there's gonna be a lot of action, but it's all gonna take place in the next couple of days. So it'll probably take me five or six episodes to get through it all. Because there's lots of characters we're gonna introduce and there's lots of plot twists. So we're getting to get into that in the months to come. Alright, now next week we're going into the school holidays. Um and in July, I always take all of July off because um I need a bit of a rest. So I usually take July and January off every year so I can have a bit of a rest and regather, and I'm going away on holiday up to Queensland with my family. So for the rest of July, I am gonna be uh posting some reruns of my favorite episodes. So there'll be four of my favorite episodes, and then I'll come back in August and we'll resume the story of the Trojan War. And I've actually got a bit of a cunning idea for what else I'm gonna do for the rest of the year, but anyway, I'll explain all that when I come back after the holidays. Alright, well that's it for now. Thank you for listening, and until next time, goodbye.