'The Battle of the Husbands' as told by Nanny Piggins

Nanny Piggins resumes her telling of the Trojan War, this week she reveals what happened with King Menelaus (Helen of Troy's first husband) and Prince Paris (Helen of Troy's second husband) faced off on the battle field.

Come along to the Book Launch Show for ‘Friday Barnes 14, Nothing to Lose’. I’ll be telling the stories behind the ideas in the book, doing a live reading and probably singing a song about it. Books will be available for purchase and I will be signing them after the show.

Arts Theatre (Adelaide)
20th September 2026, 2pm

Darling Quarter (Sydney)
26th September 2026, 2pm

Powerhouse Theatre (Brisbane)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Sprat. Well, it's wonderful to be back after a four weeks off with the reruns. Uh, thank you for your patience with that. I really did need a break because it's been so hectic here with my book, The Epically Awesome Odyssey, as told by Nanny Piggins, uh coming out. And I I went to Melbourne to do some shows. I I did the Sydney Writers Festival, obviously, but I've just been doing publicity and store visits. And um, because the Hollywood film of The Odyssey is now out as well. I've been doing lots of radio and uh there's yeah, there's a radio station, ABC Canberra, is calling me this afternoon because people are wanting to talk about the Odyssey, and um I know a lot about it because we did it here on the podcast, and and that then that got made into the book. So um, yeah, so it's been really exciting. I know I really enjoyed the Hollywood film. Uh most of you listening are probably too young to go and see it. But rest assured, my takeaway from seeing the film was I loved it and it was a great big action spectacle. But I think my my book is as good, if not better, because and the and the episodes of the podcast, because we got into more of the detail and the and the fun nitty-gritty of it. Whereas the movie's all a bit serious, which is fine, but you know I I'm writing for you kids out there. I I I know you like the fun stuff. We don't want to be too serious about war. We can worry about that later. Anyway, let's get on with it. I've got a few more announcements. So so this uh it's a crazy year this year because um I've already had two books come out: the Romeo v. Juliet and then the Epically Awesome Odyssey. Uh and I've actually got another book, like that I uh that having just got that behind me, I'm now gearing up for my next book, which is coming out, which is Friday Barnes 14. Um, and I know a lot of you are big Nanny Pickens fans, but I know quite a few of you are also Friday Barnes fans. And uh there are lots of Friday Barnes fans out there who don't listen to this podcast, so that's gonna be really huge. There's gonna be some big live shows. So if you do want to come and see me perform a storytelling show in a theater, I'm gonna be performing the Friday Barnes 14 book launches, which will be a big read-in and questions, and there'll be a quiz. It'll be fun. And I'm gonna be doing that in Brisbane, Adelaide, and Sydney. So you can get tickets to one of those shows. Uh I'll put a link in the show notes, uh, but or you can go to my website, rahasprat.com, and just click on the live show's banner, or it's actually right there in the um upcoming events on the right hand side. So uh yeah, the Friday Barnes book launch is gonna be happening in Brisbane, Adelaide, and Sydney. So uh come along, get some tickets. It's gonna be fun. And uh I know all the people who aren't in Brisbane, Adelaide and Sydney will now be getting cross that I'm neglecting them. Well, rest assured, I will be coming to Canberra, Melbourne, and Perth later in the year. So um there's details about the shows that I'm gonna be doing there later in the year also on my website. And uh I know lots of people are asking me to go to England and America, and I would love to, but uh my children, well, my well, one of my children has left home, but the other one and my husband and my dog, most importantly, do actually like me to be at home a bit, so it's harder for me to get overseas. It's obviously more expensive as well for me to get overseas. And uh, whilst I am a British citizen and I could um theoretically tour in the UK, um uh doing shows for uh for money in the the US is not as feasible. It's a lot harder to get a visa. So I I'll do what I can and I would love to tour internationally at some stage in the future, but I just can't promise anything at this stage, not not in the next couple of months anyway. Although that said, I am talking to a theatre in Auckland, New Zealand about trying to get over there. Luckily, New Zealand is much more understanding about letting Australians go over and um perform and and um and earn some money. So, yeah, that's all that's happening. Right, enough of that. This is not what you've tuned in for, you've tuned in for a story. Uh so let's get on with it. Uh, we're gonna jump back into the Iliad, which is of course the prequel to the Odyssey. It's the story of the Trojan War. Uh, it's where we left off before the reruns. Uh, and I'm, you know, like I'm I I'm excited about it because so many of these characters were in the movie of the Odyssey. So um hopefully uh everyone's been thinking about the Odyssey and we'll be able to jump right back in and get back on track. Anyway, so uh let's do that. So today's story is The Battle of the Husbands, as told by Nanny Piggins. When Derek, Samantha, and Michael returned home from school, they were surprised to find a fight taking place in their own front yard. The retired army colonel from around the corner, who was desperately in love with Nanny Piggins, and the school district superintendent, who was also desperately in love with Nanny Piggins, were wrestling. It was a surprisingly even match. At age 83, the retired army colonel was twenty years older than the superintendent, but the army colonel did have military training. He knew dozens of ways to kill a man with his bare hands. But that was not as useful as you might think, because of course he wasn't allowed to kill people with his bare hands. Whereas the superintendent spent all day dealing with school children, so he had a wealth of experience with wet willies, noogies and wedgies, which was much more useful in this kind of encounter. The green children let themselves in the house and shut the front door behind them, thinking it was best not to get involved in the dispute between two senior citizens. They soon found Nanny Piggins and Boris in the living room. Boris was peering out through a crack in the curtains, watching the fight, while Nanny Piggins was sitting back on the couch, reading a magazine and nibbling a piece of chocolate. Ah, Nanny Piggins, why are there a retired army colonel and the school superintendent wrestling in the front garden? asked Samantha. Oh, are they still out there? asked Nanny Piggins, glancing at her watch. They've been at it for half an hour. I must cut back on the amount of cake I give them. They clearly have too much energy. Yeah, but what are they fighting about? asked Derrick. Oh me, said Nanny Piggins. Oh, said Derrick, understanding at once. This sort of thing was not uncommon for Nanny Piggins. Like many of the women in her family, men did tend to fall hopelessly in love with her at first sight. And then get very jealous. Yes, it all started when the superintendent came by to invite me to a statue unveiling at the Department of Education. A statue of what? asked Samantha. Of me, of course, said Nanny Piggins. Well, why would they have a statue of you at the Department of Education? asked Eric. You barely believe in education. You certainly don't believe it should be allowed to take place five days a week. Well, I suspect the superintendent had the statue built outside his office, so he could gaze out the window at my face, said Nanny Piggins. The problem is he came over to give me the official invitation just at the exact same moment that the retired army colonel came over to make his bi weekly marriage proposal. And as soon as they saw each other they knew what the other one was up to. A lovesick fool can always recognise the wild eyes and crazy desperation of another lovesick fool. And the superintendent got very upset because the colonel had brought me a bouquet of flowers. Oh that's odd, said Samantha. The colonel knows better than that. He knows he'd much prefer a box of chocolates. Ah yes, but the flowers were made out of chocolate, said Nanny Piggins. Oh, genius, said Michael. Then the colonel saw the invitation in the superintendent's hands, continued Nanny Piggins. Well what was so threatening about that? asked Derek. The invitation was carved into a one meter square slab of solid chocolate, explained Nanny Piggins. Oh, said Samantha. Yes, surprisingly inventive, but I suppose you don't get to be a superintendent of an entire school district, unless you have an eye for detail and connections with a bespoke chocolatier. Did you reject them both? asked Derek. I didn't get a chance to, said Nanny Piggins. The superintendent bonked the colonel on the head with the chocolate slab, just as the colonel tried to slap the superintendent in the face with a bunch of chocolate flowers. So I left them both to it. You mean you grabbed the slab of chocolate and the bunch of chocolate flowers while they were distracted wrestling? guessed Derek. Of course, said Nanny Piggins, popping a piece of chocolate into her mouth. Just because they're silly doesn't mean I have to be. Should we call the police? asked Samantha, peering through the curtains. Goodness no, said Nanny Piggins. What if the police sergeant turns up and decides he's in love with me too? Then joins in the fight. There'd be no one left to maintain law and order in the community. Good point, said Michael. No, it's better we just let them burn off their energy, said Nanny Piggins. When they'd tuck at each other out, I'll go out and deal with them. Well, what are we gonna do while we wait? asked Michael. Nanny Piggins glanced at her watch again. Well, we can't have afternoon tea yet, it needs another twenty minutes to bake. Then why don't you tell us a story? suggested Samantha. All right, I will, said Nanny Piggins. Having two irrational men fight over me does remind me of a tale about my poor great great great times three hundred and seventeen great's cousin, Helen Piggins, AKA Helen of Troy. And the difficulty she had with her two husbands back in the Trojan war days. You'd better tell us the whole story, said Derek. All right, but you'd better break off a lump of chocolate each from this slab, said Nanny Piggins, pulling out her invitation. It's a cracking story, but in Greek mythology everyone had such complicated names, you'll need to have a fully energized brain to keep track of it all. So the children broke off a fist-sized lump of chocolate each, and Nanny Piggins began her tale. All right, well the battle of the two husbands took place ten years into the Trojan War, just after Achilles went off to his tent to have a big sulk. And Zeus, who as we all know, is such a rotter, said Samantha. Exactly, agreed Nanny Piggins. Zeus spoke to Agamemnon through a dream and told him that he should attack Troy, even though his best fighter, Achilles, was sulking in his tent. And Agamemnon, being a great big silly Billy, who didn't realise that dreams were not a reliable source of military strategy, did just that. He whipped up his army and they all marched on the walled city of Troy. Meanwhile, within the city, the Trojans had heard about Achilles' sulking fit. No one was better at killing people than Achilles, so if he'd taken the day off, this was the best opportunity for the Trojans to attack the Greeks. So the Trojans marched out the front gates of the city, ready to do battle as well. As the two armies approached each other across the battlefield, one thing was certain: thousands of men were going to die. You see, the Greeks were fed up of spending ten years on the beach getting sunburnt, and the Trojans were fed up of spending ten years trapped in their city, with no television, no cinema, and no Wi-Fi. So they had a lot of pent-up anger to burn off. At this stage, Paris, you remember Paris. He was the one that kidnapped Helen and kicked off the whole war. Well, he was feeling very sheepish about the whole thing. Because he had started this war, and thousands of men had died already, and all the people in both countries had lived in misery for ten years. Of course, Helen was very pretty, but as her husband, he was really the only one who got to enjoy the benefit of that. Paris really felt bad about the whole thing. So, in a totally uncharacteristic burst of bravery, he pushed his way to the front of the Trojan army to address the Greek soldiers himself.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Yohoo there, Greeks! I've got something to say, said Paris.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

What are you doing? asked Hector. Hector was Paris' older brother, and he actually was brave and good at fighting in war. Well, I had an idea, said Paris. I thought I could just challenge one man in the Greek army to do one-on-one combat with me so we could settle this war without the need for thousands of men to die. You will do that? asked Hector. That'd be wonderful, thank you. Paris was horrified. He didn't think his brother would agree so quickly. Hector called out to the Greeks, Oi, Greeks!

SPEAKER_00 13:05

My brother Paris is not a big coward he cast it after all.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

To save unnecessary bloodshed of thousands, he has challenged you, the Greeks, to bring forth your mightiest warrior to face him in one-on-one combat. Oh, wait, hang on now, Panic Paris. Couldn't they make it their second mightiest warrior? Or better yet, an intermediate level warrior, perhaps with a bad back. Hector ignored him and continued.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

If your champion wins, then we shall return Helen to you and give you lots of golden jewels to make up for the misunderstanding.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

The Greeks all cheered. Hooray! But continued Hector, if Paris wins, he gets to keep Helen as his wife, and you all have to go home to Greece and leave us alone. The Trojans cheered. Woohoo! Both armies thought this was a really fair deal. The Greeks thought it was good because they knew they were gonna win, and the Trojans thought it was good because they were pretty sure the Greeks would win too, and they didn't really care because they liked the idea of not having to die that day. But the person who liked this idea most of all was Menelaus, the king of Sparta, and Helen's first husband. Well, technically, wouldn't he be her only husband? said Samantha. She was kidnapped, so she never divorced him. Yes, agreed Nanny Piggins, but the legal code was not as clean cut back in the ancient Greek mythology days. There was a lot more finders, keepers, losers, weepers to their system. Anyway, Menelaus rushed to the front of the Greek army and roared with pleasure. I will fight Paris, he declared. Paris was horrified. Menelaus was very angry about his wife being stolen, so he had spent the last ten years doing a lot of push-ups and a lot of pull-ups, so he was very muscly indeed. And when he wasn't doing push-ups, he was sharpening things, like swords and knives and spears and arrows. So on the battlefield in full armour and loaded up with his weapons, Menelaus was a fearsome sight. But wasn't Paris a great hero too? asked Michael. Well, Paris was very, very good looking, said Nanny Pickens, which is handy if you're trying to get reservations in a restaurant, or trying to get a traffic police officer not to write you a ticket. But extreme beauty is not very useful if you're facing your wife's heavily armed, murderous first husband. Um, is it too late to change my mind about this? gulped Paris. Yes, said Hector, shoving Paris in the back, so he staggered forward to face Menelaus. Now, the way this sort of challenge worked back in the ancient Greek story days was that both the armies sat on the ground across the battlefield from each other, and then the two husbands would face off in the empty land in between. And that's what they did. They strapped on their armour, picked up their shields, and took out their weapons ready to fight. Of course, as is so often the way with men when they fight, the custom was to yell a few insults at each other first to get in the mood. I'm so cross with you, said Menelaus. Yeah, I I'm sorry about that, said Paris. But it's not really my fault. It was Aphrodite who promised your wife to me. I couldn't defy a goddess now, could I? Oh, I'm going to enjoy killing you, said Menelaus. Well now that's just hurtful, said Paris. Meanwhile, while all this was going on, up on top of the walls of Troy, Paris' dad, King Priam, had gathered up all the Trojan nobles to watch the battle take place. And Priam sent for my dear cousin Helen. Since it was her beauty that had caused this whole conflict, he thought she wouldn't want to miss out on the fight. And she reluctantly joined them up on the wall. Helen, my lovely daughter-in-law, said Priam. Gosh, you really are beautiful. Just look at Helen, everyone. Isn't one glimpse of her face totally worth enduring a ten year war? The nobles all looked at Helen and agreed, and they weren't just sucking up to Priam because he was a king. Helen really was very, very good looking. Helen rolled her eyes. Being the most beautiful woman on earth, she'd had to put up with a lot of this sort of nonsense her whole life. Ugh, I'm tired of this foolishness, said Helen. Aphrodite was very naughty to bewitch me into going with your son, and your son was very naughty to kidnap me. And you are all very silly for thinking it was a good idea. Yes, yes, my dear, said Priam, not really listening. Come over here and watch. Your two husbands are going to fight over you. It's very exciting. You know, an even better way to settle this would be to ask me who I'd like to be married to, Helen pointed out. But you'd just pick my son because he's the most handsome, said Priam. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't pick either of them, said Helen. I'd pick enrolling in university and getting a degree in applied cake baking. Being beautiful is all very well, but beauty fades. For long-term stability, the ability to earn my own income would be a much more practical way to ensure my own safety. Sorry, what? I wasn't listening to a word you said, said Priam. I was too busy admiring your beauty. Ugh Yes, I get a lot of that, said Helen. They all turned to watch because the fight was about to begin. Now, in the ancient Greek mythology days, one-on-one combat was done a little differently to the mixed martial arts battles you see on TV today. No, their battles were much more ordered and methodical. To start with, they would draw lots to see who went first, then take turns. That sounds very civilized, said Samantha. Yes, as civilized as killing another man by hand can be, agreed Nanny Piggins. Paris won the right to go first, so he took out his spear and prayed to Zeus. Dear Zeus, please give me the strength to defeat Menelaus. I know I did steal his wife, but Menelaus is smelly and a meanie pants, and I am much prettier than him, so I think I deserve to win. Then Paris aimed his spear at Menelaus' chest and threw it as hard as he could. The spear hit Menelaus's shield and bounced off. Oh dear, said Paris. Now it was Menelaus's turn. Mighty Zeus bellowed Menelaus to the sky. Give me the strength to throw this spear right through the heart of this annoyingly good-looking wife thief. And with that, Menelaus summoned up all his rage and used every last drop of that fury to hurl his spear at Paris. It hit Paris's shield, tore through the brass plate, through Paris' shiny armor, through his tunic, and scraped just along the side of his ribs. Oh, you've scratched me, cried Paris. That's not a scratch, bellowed Menelaus. This is a scratch! And with that, he whipped out his sword, ran across the battlefield, and smashed Paris on the head. Gosh, no, said Boris. But Paris was wearing a helmet, said Nanny Pickens. So wise to take precautions, said Boris. And as soon as Menelaus's sword hit the helmet, it shattered into a thousand pieces. Oh, for goodness sake, Zeus, complained Menelaus. Can't you let me have one thing go my way just once? Menelaus threw away the hilt of his sword in disgust. You know, I'm prepared to call it a draw, said Paris. No way, said Menelaus. I'll just have to kill you with my bare hands. He grabbed hold of Paris' helmet while his head was still attached inside it and started dragging him back towards the Greek army. You see, the rule was, if you could drag your opponent into the ranks of your own army, the army would then be allowed to kill them for you. Paris struggled with all his might, but he didn't have a lot of might, so that didn't help much. But up on Mount Olympus, the gods were also watching. Again, no TV or Wi-Fi back in the ancient Greek mythology days, so they were always looking for something to do. And they had all picked a team that they were going for. Aphrodite was the one who helped Paris kidnap Helen in the first place, so she was very fond of Paris. So Aphrodite rushed down to the battlefield to help out. She was invisible, so no one could see her, but she rushed in and gave Menelaus a wet willy, which startled him so much he dropped Paris' helmet. Then Aphrodite whipped up a fog. A fog in the middle of the day in Turkey? asked Derek. Is Turkey a very foggy country? Derek Green, are you using facts and geographical reality to ruin one of the greatest stories again? demanded Nanny Piggins. Oh sorry, Nanny Piggins, said Derek. I don't know what came over me. Please continue. As I was saying, Aphrodite whipped up a magical fog, and Paris disappeared. Where did he go? asked Samantha. Back to bed, said Nanny Piggins. How wise, said Boris. Then Aphrodite disguised herself as a servant and went to the city walls to fetch Helen. Oh, beautiful Helen, you must make haste to your bedchamber, said Aphrodite. Poor Paris awaits you there, and he's got a scratch, so he needs you to kiss it better. But Helen was used to Aphrodite's trickery, and she recognized her at once. You're not a servant, you're a Aphrodite, the goddess of love. What are you doing here? she demanded. Don't you have something better to be doing with your time? Have some self-respect. You must go to Paris, ordered Aphrodite. Well, I'm not going to, said Helen. Paris just ran away from fighting over me. That means Menelaus won, and I have to go back to him. That's the rules. If you love Paris so much, why don't you go and kiss him better? Aphrodite did not like being spoken to that way. How dare you, snapped Aphrodite. Do as I say, or I shall use all my goddess powers to be very, very mean to you. Ugh fine, whatever, said Helen. But I'm only going back to the bedroom because I left half a chocolate bar in my bedside table, not because you told me to. And she stopped off. So that's it? Menelaus won? asked Michael. And the war was over? Oh no, said Nanny Piggins. The gods had other ideas. They were enjoying the show, and they didn't want it to end. Aphrodite was Team Paris, but Athena was Team Menelaus. And Athena was the goddess of war. So she was a much more powerful ally to have on a battlefield. And Athena wanted to totally destroy Troy. She didn't want the war to be settled easily with one-on-one combat. She wanted to get the war started again. So she needed to get the Trojans to break the agreement to honour Menelaus's victory over Paris. But who would do that? asked Derek. Both armies wanted the war to be over. You'd have to be stupid to start the war up again. Indeed, agreed Danny Piggins. So what Athena needed was an idiot, and she soon found one, a Trojan soldier called Pandarus. Athena made herself invisible, snuck up to Pandarus, and whispered in his ear, Hey Pandarus, you're godlike, brave, and strong. Why don't you shoot Menelaus with an arrow? Uh okay, said Pandarus. It did not take much to persuade his mindless mind. Pandarus took out an arrow and shot straight at Menelaus's heart. But Athena didn't want Menelaus to die, so she then whizzed across the battlefield and stood in front of him, and, like a ninja with magical powers, guided the arrow away so that it hit his belt buckle and just stabbed into his side. So blood did gush out, but all his internal organs stayed in. Ow! cried Menelaus. Now Athena was invisible this whole time, so none of the soldiers realized she had interfered. They just saw Pandarus, a Trojan soldier, violate the terms of the challenge. You rotten cheats! cried Agamemnon. The deal's off! This means war! And that was it. The two armies leapt up and charged at each other, and the fight was ten times fiercer than ever before. The end, time for bed. What? cried Derek, you can't leave it there. Yes, I can, said Nanny Piggins. Don't worry, it's the Trojan War. It goes on for much longer yet. There's still plenty more battle and weird plot twists for the next story time. But right now we've got things to do. What things? asked Samantha.

unknown 25:57

Ping!

SPEAKER_01 25:58

went the oven timer. That's the Kulorachia, said Nanny Piggins. The what? asked Derek. The Kulorachia, said Nanny Piggins. They're delicious Greek sweet biscuits. I've been baking them for the Colonel and the Superintendent. Nothing stops a fight faster than delicious baked goods. Indeed, the whole Trojan War would have been averted if someone had just had the good sense to make all the soldiers a batch of delicious biscuits to cheer them all up about their troubles. The End. Alright, well we'll leave it there. I hope you enjoyed that one. It's fun to be back in it and back in the land of Greek mythology. I think we've got probably like three or four, maybe five episodes left to get through the Iliad or the Trojan War. So not long to go, and there's some exciting bits coming up. I'm really looking forward to talking about the Cassandra. I've wanted to do her story for ages. And then I've had been given lots of ideas from listeners. Someone was talking about Gilgamesh and someone was talking about Rosa Parks. And anyway, there'll be things coming up, and then I've got this idea for a series of stories about history that I want to do. So anyway, that's all coming up in the weeks to come. Alright, so that's it for now. Until next time. Goodbye.