'The Battle Resumes and Odysseus Sneaks About' as told by Nanny Piggins

Nanny Piggins continues to tell her version of the story of the Trojan War, in this episode the battle stops for the night, giving cunning Odysseus the chance to get up to some cunning mischief.

Come along to the Book Launch Show for ‘Friday Barnes 14, Nothing to Lose’. I’ll be telling the stories behind the ideas in the book, doing a live reading and probably singing a song about it. Books will be available for purchase and I will be signing them after the show.

Arts Theatre (Adelaide)
20th September 2026, 2pm

Darling Quarter (Sydney)
26th September 2026, 2pm

Powerhouse Theatre (Brisbane)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Alright, well, there's a lot happening here. When this drops, I will be on tour in Brisbane for bookweek. Yeah, book week, uh I've discussed this in previous years. It does not go for one week in Australia. Book week is really the whole term. Um I've actually managed to scale it back a little bit this year, and I'm only going to be on the road for just over four and a half weeks. So that's gonna be nice. I'm getting a bit old for this hectic pace. Uh, but the this week I'm in Brisbane, and then I'm visiting schools in Sydney for a couple of weeks, and then the actual proper book week, I'll be in Melbourne, and then um I think I'm gonna be in Canberra for one day. And uh I'm afraid I'm not doing any public events because it's just all school visits. But that said, if you do want to come and see me and I'm not visiting your school, I have good news because I have let me say six, seven live shows uh coming up later this year. So if you go to my website, raspratt.com, uh frustrated, there's gonna be three book launches for Friday Barnes 14 when it comes out in September. I'm holding um book launches in theatres in Sydney, Adelaide, and Brisbane. So that's coming up in September, which isn't long away. It's next month. So if you want to come to that, uh get online, get some tickets because uh particularly the smaller venues, they're gonna sell out. The Brisbane venue is quite small. Um, and then if you're not in Sydney, Brisbane, and uh Adelaide, and you're feeling a little upset that I'm not coming to visit you, I will be in Christmas coming at Christmas cup time in December, going to Melbourne and Perth. Uh and then and again in Sydney, Sydney's easy for me because I can just drive to get there, so I do go to Sydney slightly more often. Um, and also, so those tickets are on sale now for the shows, the Christmas shows in uh Melbourne, Perth, and Sydney. But just like two days ago, I've also managed to lock in a theatre in Auckland, New Zealand on the 12th of December. Uh, tickets are not on sale for that one yet, but they will be in the next couple of weeks. So, as I say, I'm gonna be, if you follow me on Instagram, you'll see I'm traveling all around uh the country in the next four weeks visiting schools for bookweek, um, which unfortunately does not mean many public events that people come can come along to, but I have a whole bunch of public events coming up, and you can get tickets on my website. And Canberra, if you're feeling left out, I I am not doing a theatrical show in Canberra this year, but I am appearing at the Canberra Writers Festival, and I believe they have a family day that I'll be appearing at. So again, the details are on my website. If you look at it's there's either the live shows page for the theater shows or just in the upcoming events, everything's listed as well. Alright, but that's not why you're here. You're here for a story, and we are, of course, making our way through the Trojan War. Um, because I'm on tour for the next few weeks, I think I'll probably stick with the Trojan War um until Book Week is over, and then hopefully um we should get through it in about that time. So, anyway, the story this week is called The Battle Resumes and Odysseus sneaks around in the night. Where did we leave off last time? asked Natty Piggins, as she sat down to resume telling the story of the Trojan War. Uh, Paris was supposed to finish the whole Trojan War with no further bloodshed by facing Menelaus in one-on-one combat, but when Menelaus scratched him, Paris ran away back to his bedroom, said Derek. That's not fair, said Samantha. Paris didn't run away. He was whisked away in a magical fog by the goddess Aphrodite. And then he hid in a bedroom while the war broke out again, added Michael. Oh yes, said Nanny Piggins. Hector was very angry about the whole thing. He went back into the city of Troy to find his little brother. When Hector burst into Paris' room, he found Helen sitting in a chair next to the bed. Where's Paris? demanded Hector. I have no idea, said Helen, while tipping her head towards the bed to show Hector where he was. There was a Paris shaped lump under the duna. Oh, for goodness sake, said Hector, poking the lump with the tip of his sword. Paris, get out of that bed. It's not me. I am but a humble servant, said the lump. Hector whipped the duner off, revealing Paris underneath. Okay, maybe it was me, conceded Paris. You should be ashamed of yourself, said Hector. Yeah, that's what I said, said Helen. You're both such nags, complained Paris. You're a prince of Troy, said Hector. You cause this whole war. You can't hide under a duna while everyone else fights it for you. But it's so nice and comfortable in bed, argued Paris. You know, if everyone just stayed in bed, there would be no war. If you didn't kidnap another king's wife, there would be no war, said Hector sternly. Would you like me to come and fight? asked Helen. I may be a staggeringly beautiful woman and a pig, but I am more athletic than Paris. And braver. Not that that would be hard. Hector eyed his sister in law. If we gave you a sword and armor, would you fight for our side? Probably not, conceded Helen. I'd probably just fight my way to the nearest cake shop and stay there until you men had worn yourselves out and finished all this squabbling. I can't say I blame you, said Hector. But I'd better get back out there. If the Trojan soldiers think both of the city's princes have deserted them, it may occur to them that monarchy is not the most effective form of government. Then we'll all be out of work. Paris, I expect to see you in your armor back on the battlefield in ten minutes. Otherwise I'll come back here and decapitate you myself. Do I make myself clear? Yes, yes, there's no need to yell, said Paris, as he began picking up his armor and doing up his buckles as slowly as he possibly could. Back on the battlefield the Greeks and the Trojans fought all day. Despite all the bashing and bopping and stabbing and killing, neither side was able to claim victory as the sun began to set. When night fell and the armies withdrew for the night, the Greeks were worried. Achilles, their greatest warrior, was still sulking and refusing to help, and all their other generals had been wounded or sprained their ankles in battle. So the Greeks used the cover of darkness to build up their defences. They built a huge wall and a big ditch to protect their camp from the Trojan army. Meanwhile, the Trojan army were feeling very confident. Yes, Prince Paris had abandoned them at the worst possible moment. But Paris was bad at fighting anyway, so it didn't really matter. Whereas Achilles had abandoned the Greeks, and he was the best fighter they had, which meant the Greeks were in a pickle. The Trojans were so confident that they would win the battle when it resumed the next day, that their army did not return behind the walls of the city. They camped out on the plain. That way they wouldn't have far to walk to attack the Greeks and burn all their ships first thing in the morning. In the Greek camp, Agamemnon called a meeting of all the Greek generals to discuss tactics. This is really bad, said Agamemnon. But I know what we should do. We should get on our ships and very quietly row away, hoping that no one notices. You're the leader of the entire Greek army, said Diomedes. You don't get to suggest that. Just because I'm in charge doesn't make me any less likely to die if someone stabs me in the chest with a spear, said Agamemnon. Psh, be quiet, urged Diomedes. If the men hear you talking like this, they'll kill you. I'm tempted to kill you myself. We're Greek heroes. We're meant to be brave. But we're outnumbered and surrounded, said Agamemnon. We're doomed. Pivot to that, said Odysseus. It's just a bit of a sticky situation. I'm sure we can come up with a cunning plan. We just need some information that we can use against our enemies. How can we get information? asked Agamemnon. We can't Google the Trojans. The internet hasn't been invented yet. We'll need a spy, said Odysseus. Someone super brave and super cunning to sneak out over our wall and across the ditch to eavesdrop on the conversations taking place within the Trojan camp. But who would be insanely stupid enough to do that? said Agamemnon. Insanely stupid or insanely cunning? asked Odysseus. Definitely stupid, said Agamemnon. Well I am going to do it, said Odysseus, for I am Odysseus, and no one in all the ancient world is as good at sneaking around, telling whopping big lies, and being tricky as me. Fine, said Agamemnon, and take Diomedes with you. Hey, why me? asked Diomedes. You threatened to kill me two minutes ago, said Agamemnon. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, said Diomedes. I should have just done it. A short time later, Odysseus and Diomedes had disguised themselves as Trojan citizens and were sneaking across the battlefield towards the Trojan army. It was dark, so they had to be careful where they put their feet. They didn't want to accidentally step on the blade of a sword, the tip of a spear, or even grosser, a dead body. As Odysseus and Diomedes made their way towards the Trojan camp, they spotted someone coming towards them. It was a Trojan soldier. Quick, hide, said Odysseus. Hide, said Diomedes, but there's nowhere to hide. We're in the middle of a battlefield at night. There's nothing here except for hundreds of dead bodies. Pretend to be a dead body, said Odysseus. Oh, that's actually a good idea, said Diomedes. So they both lay down and pretended to be dead. As soon as the Trojan soldier passed by, Odysseus leapt up and bopped him on the back of the head. Ow! cried the Trojan soldier. Hush, said Odysseus. But it hurts, complained the Trojan soldier. I'll stab him, said Diomedes. That'll make him be quiet. You can't stab him, said Odysseus. I want to ask him some questions. Please don't hurt me. You don't have to ask questions. I'll tell you everything, said the terrified Trojan soldier. The Thracians have just arrived to assist us. What you should do is steal their horses. Why would we do that? asked Diomedes. It's gonna be hard to sneak back to our own camp if we have to take a whole team of horses with us. Because of the prophecy, said the Trojan soldier. Which prophecy? asked Odysseus. These are the ancient Greek mythology days. Prophets are making prophecies all the time. There's been a prophecy that Troy shall never fall once the white horses of the king of Thrace enter the city of Troy. Diomedes sighed. Ugh I guess we're gonna have to figure out a way to silently steal a whole load of horses then. Okay, let's kill this traitor and get going. Oh, please don't kill me, said the Trojan soldier. I haven't told you everything I know yet. Well, what else do you know? asked Odysseus. Um, I can tell you the watchword, said the Trojan soldier. The what? asked Diomedes. It's the password you can use to prove that you're a Trojan soldier and not a Greek spy, said the Trojan soldier. But we are Greek spies, said Diomedes. Yes, but we're trying to pretend that we're not, Odysseus reminded him. Oh yeah, remember Diomedes. Okay, so what's the watchword? Phoebe, said the Trojan soldier. I'm never gonna remember that, said Diomedes. Write it down. I didn't bring a pen, said the Trojan soldier. What about you, Diomedes asked Odysseus. I don't have a pen either, said Odysseus. There must be something we can write it down with, said Diomedes. Um do you want to use some of my blood? asked the soldier helpfully. Oh, good idea, said Diomedes, with which he stabbed the Trojan soldier to get some blood, and the soldier died instantly. What did you do that for? asked Odysseus. Well he said we could use him as ink, said Diomedes. But now I can't ask him any more questions, complained Odysseus. Oh, let's just steal those horses and go, said Diomedes. So Odysseus and Diomedes made their way into the ranks of the Trojan army. It was easy to find the Thracians because their horses were pure white, which made them stand out in the moonlight. The problem was there were so many men asleep on the ground, it would be impossible to get the horses out without waking the soldiers. Oh we could kill them all really quietly, suggested Diomedes. No, I have an even better, more cunning idea, said Odysseus. You go and harness the horses, ready to ride off when I give you the word. Diomedes released the horses from their pen and tied them all one to another, so they'd stayed together in one long line. Meanwhile, Odysseus snuck about between the sleeping soldiers and tied their shoelaces to each other. Did they have shoelaces in ancient Greece? asked Derek. Derek Green, are you applying logic to my story again? demanded Nanny Piggins. Oh, sorry, Nanny Piggins, said Derek. I don't know what I was thinking. Nanny Piggins continued. Odysseus went around all the soldiers tying their shoelaces together, buckling their sandals to each other, strapping their armour to two men at once, so that all the soldiers were totally tangled up in their equipment. And then Odysseus called out to Diomedes. Diomedes, I'm ready! Let's go! Finally, said Diomedes. Giddy up! yelled Diomedes as he spurred the horses forward. As soon as they heard the commotion, the Thracian soldiers leapt up, and then immediately fell down again because their shoes and clothes and armour were all a tangled mess. And it was dark, so they had no idea what was going on. They thought they were being attacked by enemies, so they started bashing each other up trying to get free. The Thracian horses were magnificent swift creatures, unfortunately a little too swift. Diomedes urged them forward and they took off for the Greek camp, leaving Odysseus behind. The Thracians were confused amongst their tangled clothes and armour, but they did notice a complete stranger standing in the middle of their camp. Hey, look, there's a Greek spy, said a Thracian. Someone kill him Oh no, interrupted Boris. Odysseus is gonna die. Boris, now come on, this is the Trojan War. It happened before the Odyssey. And obviously Odysseus survives the Trojan War, otherwise the Odyssey would be a very short, very empty book, which it is not, let me tell you. It's a great thick book with many, many words, arguably many more than were necessary. But how did Odysseus escape being caught behind enemy lines immediately after all their horses were stolen? By being cunning, of course, said Nanny Piggins, with which she continued. How dare you accuse me of being a spy? declared Odysseus. It is I who should kill you for being rude. Of course I'm not a spy. I know the watchword. What is it? demanded the captain of the Thracians. The watchword is Odysseus quickly consulted the little note written in blood. Phoebus. Is that right? The captain asked his sergeant. I dunno, boss, said the sergeant. When the general told us the watchword, I didn't have a pen, so I didn't write it down. Hey, this fella looks a lot like Odysseus, the famous Greek general, said another one of the Thracian soldiers. Yes, yes, I often get that, said Odysseus, but that just proves that I'm not a Greek spy. And do you figure that? asked the captain. If you were going to send a Greek spy into the Trojan camp, explained Odysseus, Odysseus, the famous general, would be a ridiculous person to pick, because everyone would recognize her. Oh, that's true, said the sergeant. Then what is your name? asked the captain. Um Bob, said Odysseus, thinking quickly. Oh, all right, Bob, said the captain. Did you see which way the white horses went? Oh, better than that, said Odysseus. I can take you to them. So Odysseus led all the Thracian soldiers back to the Greek camp. They soon arrived at the Greek defensive war. What the Thracians couldn't see, because it was dark, was that there were five hundred Greek soldiers all standing watch along the wall. Their leader called out. Who goes there? But then the moon peeped out from behind a cloud, and he could see for himself. Oh, Odysseus, is that you? No, it's Bob, said the Thracian captain. She just looks like Odysseus. Shh, said Odysseus. Let me pretend to be Odysseus, and I'll get the guards to let you in. Oh, that's a good idea, said the Thracian captain. I'll go and have a quiet word with him, said Odysseus. So she went over to the gate, the Greeks let her straight in, and then she went to report to her leader, King Agamemnon, leaving the guards on the wall to deal with the Thracian soldiers. The end, time for bed. Wait a minute, said Michael, what do you mean deal with the Thracian soldiers? They killed them, said Derek. How awful yelped Boris. Now come on, we don't know that for sure, said Nanny Pickens. In Homer's often grossly erroneous account of the Trojan War, the actual word in he uses is that the Greek guards made the Thracians welcome. Really, said Derek. Well, Wi-Fi, computer games, and television may not have been invented back in the ancient Greek mythology days, but sarcasm had been invented. So what that means, you can decide for yourself. The end. Alright, so we'll leave it there. I hope you enjoyed that story. Um it's it's it's all gonna crank up from here, so that's Odysseus sneaking about the night. I don't want to spoil next week's episode for you, but I'll just say Achilles is involved and the action really ramps up. Okay, so that's it for now. Until next time, goodbye.