'Achilles and the Lookelike' as told by Nanny Piggins

When things go wrong for the Greeks on the battlefield it's time to bring out the big guns, but when Achilles has sworn a vow to not help, the next best thing is a lookelike.

Come along to the Book Launch Show for ‘Friday Barnes 14, Nothing to Lose’. I’ll be telling the stories behind the ideas in the book, doing a live reading and probably singing a song about it. Books will be available for purchase and I will be signing them after the show.

Arts Theatre (Adelaide)
20th September 2026, 2pm

Darling Quarter (Sydney)
26th September 2026, 2pm

Powerhouse Theatre (Brisbane)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Hello and welcome to Bedtime Stories with me, R.A. Spratt. Well, it's a lovely evening here in Bowerel. The weather is slowly starting to warm up a little bit. I've been away in Sydney or most of the week going back and forth visiting schools, and that's been a lot of fun. The great thing about visiting schools, doing author talks, is uh no two are ever the same. Like usually you go to a school and you do two or three um sessions at each school, and even within the day at one school, that they'll be wildly different between each session. But then one school to another is incredibly different as well. And um in Sydney, it's such a huge city that you go to different places and they're all so different. So it's been quite an adventurous week with a lot of unexpected and exciting things happening at these different schools. And I even did an event at um the Petersham Bowls Club, which was fun because um it was like in the basement of the Bowls Club, so there were no windows, and it was this sort of little dark room that was all sort of lit as though it was going to be a television show in there, but it was it was like a low ceiling and this sort of red old-fashioned carpet, and they brought the event forward an hour so that children could come, but it was not the type of venue expect to be performing to children. But there was little girls dress up as Friday Barnes and their families and stuff, so it was a lot of fun. It's been an eventful weeks, so much has happened, and I've got another week of visiting schools in Sydney next week, and then beyond that, I'll be going down to Melbourne. And there's actually going to be a public event at the North Fitzroy Library while I'm in Melbourne, if you want to check that out. And then, oh, and then beyond that, they've just asked me to record another two audiobooks. So I'll be recording the audiobook of uh Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas, which is I think the last Nanny Piggins book for me to record as an audiobook, and I'll be doing Friday Barn 6 as we work through all the Friday Barns back catalogue. So there's a lot happening. I'm away from home a lot, and then I've been on the road for two weeks, and I've got four more to go, and um, I am very homesick, but uh we're powering on. My family's great. I I miss the dog look. The dog is the one who copes the least well. He misses me a lot when I'm away, and every time I come back, he's just like, oh my goodness, I thought you'd cease to exist, but here you are. So anyway, I'm home and in my it's the weekend, and so I'm doing the podcasts before I disappear again. And uh we're picking back up with the Iliad, and uh this time we're gonna be the story doing the story of Achilles and um Achilles and when he he makes his return. I wasn't quite sure what to call this episode, so I think I'm gonna call it the Achilles Looky Likey, as told by Nanny Piggins. Here we go. It was Wednesday, but Derek, Samantha, and Michael were not going to school. Michael had been suspended for taking cupcakes in for his class. There was a strict no food sharing policy at their school. The kids in Michael's class had been fine, none of them had allergies, but the substitute teacher taking his class that day had never been exposed to Nanny Piggins cooking before, so her body had not built up a tolerance, and she didn't realise the danger. As soon as the teacher ate one, she had to eat seventeen. Of course Nanny Pickens had baked extras because she knew her cupcakes had this effect on people. But the cupcakes were so good and so jammed full of chocolate chips, chocolate sauce, chocolate sprinkles, and chocolate icing with extra chocolate that her body slipped into hyperglycemic shock from the sudden excess of chocolate in her bloodstream. At least that was the doctor's diagnosis. Nanny Pigg's diagnosis was that the doctor was a nincompoop who didn't know what he was talking about. Nanny Piggins preferred to believe that the teacher had simply passed out from shock because she'd never tasted anything that delicious before. Anyway, the headmaster was angry about the whole thing because as soon as the substitute teacher regained consciousness, she had abandoned her career in education and run off to study elite-level cake baking at the Academie de Cordonble in Paris. Again, Nanny Piggins thought this was something to be celebrated, a young woman coming to her senses and devoting her life to the highest creative calling imaginable, baking cake. But the headmaster was cross, because the substitute teacher did all this before 9.50 in the morning, which meant he had to teach the grade three class himself for the entire rest of the day. And the headmaster hated teaching. That's why he became a headmaster, so he could have as little to do with children as possible. So in a fit of pique, he had suspended Michael from school. Nanny Pickens was outraged, which was, admittedly, hypocritical of her. She didn't approve of sending the children to school all five days of the week, but she didn't like it when other people made the choice for her which days the children were going to miss. It took all the fun out of it. It was more fun having a day off when you weren't meant to. So, in protest against Michael's suspension, Nanny Pickens kept Derek and Samantha home from school too, reasoning that it would be unfair to let Michael stay home and have all the fun, and he would have much more fun if his brother and sister were there to share it with him. What are we gonna do with our day off? asked Derrick, as they finished the chocolate waffles they'd been enjoying for breakfast. Nanny Pickens considered the matter. It was raining hard outside, which limited what they could do. We could build a mud man, suggested Nanny Piggins. What's a mud man? asked Michael. Well, it's like a snowman, only brown, explained Nanny Piggins. Oh lovely, said Boris. As a bear with brown fur, I've never felt represented by snowmen. Polar bears are always so smug about it. Then that's decided, said Nanny Piggins. I've got some shortbread cookies in the oven, but as soon as they're done, we'll go out and find a nice big boggy pile of mud to build a mud man. Well, how long will the shortbread be? asked Samantha. Oh, twenty minutes, said Nanny Piggins. Well that's the perfect length of time for telling us a story, said Derek. And for us to digest these waffles, said Samantha. I've eaten so many it'll probably be twenty minutes before I regain the feeling in my legs. All right, then I'll pick up where I left off with the story of the Trojan War, said Nanny Piggins. You better give us a recap, said Michael. Sometimes these wars get confusing. Well, when we left off with things going very well for the Trojans. The Greeks had built a big wall around their ships, and the Trojans were now feeling so confident that they'd stopped hiding inside their city and taken to camping on the battlefield. Which I can't understand myself. Camping is the most overrated form of holidaying. Even the naughty prisoners in jail get to stay indoors in a building with plumbing. Well, perhaps people who go camping have done something unspeakably bad, said Boris. Like eaten all the honey and not shared. So they go camping to punish themselves in their holidays. Yes, that would actually make a lot of sense, said Nanny Piggins. Anyway, while the Trojans were camping out on the battlefield, Cunning Odysseus had snuck over in the night and played some of her cunning tricks. When the Trojans woke up the next morning and discovered that all the Thracians had gone missing in the night, they were really upset. But the Thracians only arrived yesterday, said Hector, the leader of all the Trojans. How can an entire army be missing already? Well, at least their horses aren't missing, said Paris. What? Where are they? said Hector, looking about for the Thracians' famous white horses. Look, they're over there, in the Greek camp, said Paris. Hector looked and saw the beautiful white horses being ridden around by the gleeful Greek soldiers. They stole them, declared Hector. How rude! That's it! I can't take it anymore! Those Greeks have been trying to kill us for ten long years, but stealing horses? That's just a bridge too far. Men, today we are gonna destroy the Greek army and burn all their ships, declared Hector. Hooray! Cheered the men! They like the sound of having a bonfire. Can we toast marshmallows? asked Paris. If you like conceited Hector, hooray! Cheered the men again! Alright, men, this is it! We are gonna chase these Greeks off our beach once and for all. We haven't been able to enjoy a seaside vacation in ten years! Enough is enough! We're gonna settle this battle for the honor of Troy and to eat toasted marshmallows!

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Attack!

SPEAKER_01 9:31

cried Hector, and the entire Trojan army ran across the battlefield and attacked the Greeks. The Greeks were shocked by the sudden onslaught. The marshmallow crazed Trojans forced their way through the defensive wall. They overwhelmed the Greek forces and pushed them back towards their ships. Odysseus was leading the whole Greek army. She fought bravely, but was eventually stabbed by a spear. Ow! cried Odysseus, how dare you! She pulled out the spear and used it to stab the Trojan who'd stabbed her, but she was now getting blood all over her tunic, so Menelaus rushed out in his chariot and took Odysseus back to get a band-aid. When they got back to the medical tent, they found King Agamemnon cowering. He had stubbed his toe on a barnacle, and had just used the last band-aid himself. They've overwhelmed our defences, said King Agamemnon. Now can we get on the ships and sail away? Please? Would you stop being a great cowardly custard? snapped Odysseus. You are the king of Greece. You're supposed to be the leader. I shall lead the men, said Ajax. If Agamemnon led them into battle and the Trojans saw him trembling with fright, they would laugh at us all. Now, Ajax was a mighty and inspirational warrior. He was in fact the largest soldier in the entire Greek army. Not that there's anything wrong with being large, interrupted Boris. Being ten feet tall and weighing seven hundred kilograms himself, he was very sensitive on the subject. Not at all, agreed Nanny Piggins. In fact, if you are a general in charge of an army, being huge is very handy, because you're taller than everybody else, and you can wave to your friends and ask them to come and help you stab people. So Ajax climbed up on his ship, and with a long spear stabbed at every Trojan who tried to get nearer it. The Greeks valiantly fought alongside him, but the Trojans kept pushing closer and closer, until one of them was close enough to throw a flaming torch up onto the ship, and it caught a light. Yay! We'll soon be eating toasted marshmallows now, boys, cried Paris. The Greeks were horrified. If their ships burned, they were doomed, they'd never be able to return to their homeland. But they kept fighting because if they were going to die, they wanted to die bravely in battle. Meanwhile, at the far end of the beach, away from all the action, the mightiest warrior of all, Achilles, was feeling a bit silly. Secretly, he was really jealous of all the soldiers getting to fight in the battle. Achilles loved fighting because he never got hurt himself. Yeah, because his mum dipped him in the river sticks when he was a baby, said Michael. That's right, so no weapon could ever injure Achilles, which made battles way more fun for him than anyone else. In fact, sometimes his enemies had to give up because they sprained their wrists from stabbing him so many times to no avail. But as we know, Achilles had sworn a vow, and the ancient Greeks could be very silly about upholding vows. Achilles had vowed he would not rejoin the Greek army unless his own ships caught fire. He looked back at his ship. He was sorely tempted to throw a match onto it himself. There was nothing in the vow saying he couldn't set it alight. But no, he realized that his men would be really cross if they thought that he had burnt down their own ships, because none of his men were invincible, and they didn't like it when he made decisions that meant they all died. Now just then his best friend Patroclus ran over. Achilles, I know you can't fight in the battle because you're too noble to break your vow, said Patroclus. Yes, yes, it is a burden being this noble, said Achilles. But it looks like the Greek army could get wiped out, and we will all die, said Patroclus. It would be a shame if all fifty thousand of us died after we've been here fighting for ten whole years. Please, Achilles, would you let me lead our myrmidon soldiers into battle? Achilles saw that he could do that without breaking his vow, so he agreed at once. Yes, that's a good idea, said Achilles. And here, wear my golden armor. That way the Trojans will think that you are me, and they will be extra especially frightened. Ah, thanks, Achilles. You're such a good friend, said Patroclus. Take my magic horses as well, urged Achilles. Gosh no, said Patroclus. They're the magic horses that the great god Poseidon gave to your father. Yes, they're really good horses, agreed Achilles, because they came from Poseidon, they're amphibious. They're the only horses in the world that can swim underwater. I've never tried it, but only because scuba gear has not been invented yet and I don't want to drown. But it's nice to know if I ever do get granted the power of breathing underwater, my horses are already adapted to come with me. Now, back on the battlefield, many of the Greek ships were burning. Their army couldn't hold on much longer, when suddenly a cry went out amongst the Trojan soldiers.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Ah! It's Achilles! Achilles the Invincible is coming to kill us all!

SPEAKER_01 14:24

Achilles' mighty chariot, drawn by Poseidon's magical horses, was storming across the sand towards them, the sun glinting off Achilles' golden armor and blind them in their eyes. We're all gonna die, well to Trojan! Run, cried another, back to the city of Troy! The shout went out. The Trojan soldiers turned and raced back towards safety, but the mighty horses ran faster, and as they fled, Patroclus swung Achilles' mighty sword and cut them down like a lawnmower cutting through grass. The Trojan army was driven back inside the walls of Troy when suddenly Hector himself burst out of the gates in his own chariot and charged at Patroclus. Unfortunately, Patroclus had just lost Achilles' sword. It had got stuck in someone he was stabbing. But Patroclus was super brave. He just picked up a big rock and threw it at Hector's head. Oh no, said Boris. It missed, said Nanny Piggins. Yay! said the children, and killed his chariot driver instead. Oh dear, said the children. Boris just wept. The two weaponless men rolled around on the battlefield wrestling with each other, bopping heads, twisting wrists, and yanking hair, when suddenly Hector spotted a spear on the ground. He snatched it up and turned to face Patroclus. Unfortunately, at that moment, Patroclus was running at Hector, preparing to leap into a flying wedgy attack, and he ran straight into the spear. Oh, said Patroclus. He collapsed on the ground, and his helmet fell off. Hey, you're not Achilles, said Hector. Apart from not looking like Achilles, the spear in his chest was also a clue that this was not an invincible warrior. No, I am Patroclus, said Patroclus. And do not boast about killing me, because death is now coming for you. He is? asked Hector, checking over his shoulder to see if Hades was standing nearby. Yes, for by the hand of Achilles you shall fall, said Patroclus, before dropping dead himself. Hector turned to his brother Paris, who was, as usual, standing several meters behind him. Do you think that's true? asked Hector. I'm sure you'll be fine, said Paris. Achilles isn't going to be upset about his best friend dying when he was dressed up in Achilles' own clothes. He's not that petty, surely. But of course, this was the ancient Greek mythology days, and everyone was petty back then. So we'll leave it there. Hey, you can't leave the story there with the middle of a good bit, said Derek. I can, because some things are even more important than life and death. Like what? asked Michael. Ping went the oven. Shortbread cookies, said Nanny Piggins. And the children had to concede she had a point. They ate the still warm shortbread cookies, then had a lovely day building mudmen in the garden, knowing that next time they had a spare twenty minutes, they would hear the next instalment of the tale of the Trojan War. The End. Alright, well we'll leave it there. We'll come back for Achilles' Strikes Back will be next week's story. Um, yeah, so I hope you have a great week, and until next time, goodbye.