National University Podcast Series

CAVO Ep. 50: Thrive in the Face of Change and Uncertainty with Emotional Intelligence

September 29, 2021 Sylvia Baffour Season 2 Episode 50
National University Podcast Series
CAVO Ep. 50: Thrive in the Face of Change and Uncertainty with Emotional Intelligence
Show Notes Transcript

It’s no secret that we’re living in disruptive and uncertain times that can leave us feeling distanced from the comfort of things most familiar to us. Emotional intelligence skills are exactly what we need to help us better navigate and thrive in our virtual and physical spaces. Listen as Sylvia Baffour, emotional intelligence expert and author of I Dare You to Care, has an enlightening and thought-provoking conversation with Veronica Hill about ways to embrace change, build inner resilience, and use your more effectively emotions to work for you and not against you. Learn more about Sylvia and her book at: https://sylviaspeaks.com/book/

Veronica Hill  0:00  
And welcome to the Center for the advancement of virtual organizations podcast thrive in the face of change and uncertainty with emotional intelligence. I'm Veronica Hill, a current doctoral student at North Central University. And today we're joined by Silvia Balfour. Sylvia is an international keynote speaker, and author of the book, I dare you to care, using emotional intelligence to inspire, influence and achieve remarkable growth. Today, our discussion focuses on emotional intelligence, and thriving in the face of change and uncertainty. Welcome, Sylvia, and thank you so much for taking the time to come and chat with us.

Sylvia Baffour  0:43  
Yeah, well, thank you so much for having me, this is really an honor. 

Veronica Hill  0:47  
We're so glad to have you. And first I want to preface this conversation by saying I have had the honor and privilege of getting to know you just a few times and in a few conversations, but more importantly, you have gifted me your book. And so today, I really want to focus on the details, and the minutiae of what emotional intelligence is, and how we can use it in a practical way, applying it to virtual places and spaces. 

And so as I have mentioned to you already, it was such a gift, and I work in the emotional intelligence space. And, and such a champion for holistic wellness, and how to integrate emotional intelligence, but you have captured a way to do it, and explain it in such a practical way. So if we can just get started there, if you would just start by kind of just walking us through, you know, describing emotional intelligence and its role in our professional lives.

Sylvia Baffour  1:47  
Yeah, well, thank you for those kind words of iranica I'm grateful to know that, that my approach to it has been enlightening and helpful to you as well. And for the rest of the listeners, I, you know, I would say this. Now, when I think about emotional intelligence, I try to think of the simplest way that I can explain it, because I know everyone defines and describes it a little differently. But I would say this ronica, you know, we we're all human beings filled with emotions, right? And, and emotions drive our behavior. 

And so with that being said, I see emotional intelligence as the skill set of the 21st century that that essentially allows us one to understand our own emotions, and use them wisely. But it's also a skill set that I believe that helps us to, to have those meaningful and productive relationships with people around us. And I see this because if you think about this, when it comes to the role of Ei, and you'll hear me use the word AI, I know some people reference EQ, but I like to use the word AI, I mean, the acronym Ei. So when it comes to our professional lives, I like to think about the simple reality that none of us makes it on our own, right, we don't exist in a world by ourselves, and, and so we need to be supported by others, we need to collaborate with others as well. And, and so, you know, we get a chance to, to use emotional intelligence to become more aware of the needs of others, and how others experiences and that is so vital. 

And it's what emotional intelligence can do for us, you know, and I never imagined Veronica that I would be quoting the comedian Jim Carrey. But I think he said it best when he said that, that the effect that you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. And I truly do believe that to be the case, the effect you have on others, is the most valuable currency that is, and emotional intelligence is what makes us enjoyable to be around. And I think that's an asset to all of us to answer your question.

Veronica Hill  3:46  
That's so powerful, and it's so eloquently stated. And I think one of the things too, that I find fascinating is that we as a society, are constantly trying to separate personal from professional, and I found that especially in, you know, with AI and emotional intelligence is you simply cannot do that. And so, just kind of going in that direction, you know, can you speak to especially obviously, as you mentioned, 21st century, you know, and business and virtual and, and, you know, the the state in which we operate, and, you know, the global market and all of that, you know, can you speak to the ways in which it how emotional intelligence actually helps us to thrive in those places and spaces of change and uncertainty, especially in virtual workplaces? Because it's such an added challenge. Yeah, no,

Sylvia Baffour  4:41  
I think you bring up an important point, Veronica, and I would say that, for starters, I think it's important for all of us to remember that the human brain isn't wired for uncertainty, right? I mean, we're talking about uncertainty and change today. And our brains are designed to protect us. So the flight and Right and, and so because of that it doesn't like uncertainty. And the irony yet is that when we're living in an increasingly uncertain and ever changing time, where we still have to find ways to navigate through through our spaces, as you mentioned, and I think that oftentimes in the virtual spaces in particular, one thing that I think that gets most impacted is our relationships with others, right. And if you think about it, if you're operating in a virtual space, you no longer have the opportunity for those sort of having lunch with other people and those water cooler conversations where you get a chance to catch up and traditionally bond with others and get to know new people better. 

And so I do think that we can use emotional intelligence to raise our awareness of the needs of others by listening more deliberately, right without distraction, you know, most of us have gadgets going on in the background. And, you know, if we can we can use AI to have deeper conversations over the phone, and an email, you know, always kind of in the background, asking ourselves the question, is there more room for empathy, you know, when we're reading an email, because we all know how in the virtual world, everything can be misconstrued. And so I think it is vital that we use, you know, empathic, and I'll talk a bit more about that towards the end, empathic communication, just checking with our language, the words we're using, as we communicate with people in virtual spaces, so nothing gets misconstrued. And those are really important things to think about.

Veronica Hill  6:29  
Such such great points and, and to, just to kind of piggyback on what you said, I think it just jogs for me, the power of pause. And so as you're saying that, you know, just being able to, you know, to, to be an opportunist, and seize every moment, for the power of pause, as you said, there's always something going on. And so, you know, deep diving, becoming more curious. And so, in that way, that kind of, I want to go in that direction, if we can for just a moment, you know, obviously, we're gonna, we're gonna make the assumption that, you know, we know that, you know, leadership is kind of what sets the tone for the organization. So can you just kind of talk to us about, you know, ways that leaders and managers, how they can develop emotional intelligence? And what that you know, how that's going to help the organizations overcome the challenges that virtual workplaces presents, you know, having where people feel maybe distant and disconnected?

Sylvia Baffour  7:29  
Yeah, you know, Veronica, I'm glad that you use the word develop, you know, because emotional intelligence is, is certainly a skill set that most of us can develop. And by the way, the reason I say most of us is because I think the jury's still out on sociopaths. I think I think so but but you know, I believe, yes, for instance, Simon Sinek, right, the author of start with y, who, I think he kind of succinctly said that leadership isn't about being in charge, it's rather about taking care of the people in your charge, right. 

And so I think, as a leader or a manager, you can do that effectively, without emotional intelligence, it can be a learned skill, whether you're reading books, or taking on some sort of training officially, I think that one of the biggest things that are that that is affecting organizations that are working remotely and in remote environments has to do with the fact that leadership doesn't know how to trust people, right, in terms of how they're spending their time, right, because people aren't working directly under your noses. And and I think that you and I can agree that that nothing derails morale in an organization with employees faster than that feeling of lack of psychological safety and trust. With those that are leading them, it really when I think about it, ultimately, leaders and managers need to do this more, they need to care about what I call the emotional aftertaste. And now you may be thinking, well, well, what is that? 

This is the way I would put it, you know, if you think about it, every single person that we interact with on a daily basis, whether you're aware of it or not, every single person you interact with, you leave behind the emotional aftertaste, because people people feel a certain way for having been in your presence, right. And I think that leaders and managers especially can can influence what I call positively influenced the emotional aftertaste they leave behind in the hearts and minds of those they lead by focusing on their communication, for instance, right? Especially in this virtual space, nothing matters more than than being clear and with your intention of what you want to say, you know, and I think that one of the most effective and most positive ways you can influence the emotional aftertaste is to think in advance if you're a leader or a manager, being able to think in advance of your interactions with others. 

Now, we aren't always privileged to think in advance right when we interact but when possible, if you think in advance of your interaction with someone, for instance, Let's say that you have to have a difficult conversation about a performance review with somebody on your team that you value but but they need some improvement, right? If you just pause for a moment and think, what do you want this person to feel after you're done interacting with them, it can be so powerful in influencing the way you approach of communication. So Veronica, if I was leading you as an example, and I, I think to myself, after this difficult conversation about your evaluation, I still want you to feel encouraged, and inspired to get up and show up and give your very best, I guarantee it's going to influence my choice of words, you know, because in reality, we all speak English, I'm assuming if you're listening to this in English, that you speak English, and we all have access to every word in the English language free of charge. But if we don't use our words, mindfully, they can cost us a lot. 

And I think that really applies to leaders and managers in the virtual space, the things you can do to create the culture of safety, and trust and communicate that through your language, and thinking about how you can choose your words in advance to influence the emotional aftertaste, you leave behind with those that you're leading really, really important.

Veronica Hill  11:10  
Gosh, he makes such an amazing point there. And I just kind of want to reiterate that for our listeners is that, you know, you mentioned the intentionality behind it. But you know, especially in the work that we do, we understand that the catalyst, there really is the self awareness component of emotional intelligence. And so I love that you mentioned that, you know, of being mindful, and that is the intentional part. But unless and until we develop that part of understanding ourselves, and the impact, as he said, the impact the influence and effect, you know, we won't be able to leverage or build that relational capital that we need. And so thank you for that, that was so insightful, and just really powerful, and something for leaders and managers to, to, as you said, you know, really be mindful about even in virtual spaces, you know, how are we showing up in the world? how, you know, what is our tone? 

What is our nonverbal communication, you know, when that screen pops up, or that phone rings? Or, you know, we are connected in some way? You know, as you mentioned, you know, how are we showing up? And what words are we using? And are we being intentional about those things? And so, thank you for that, and kind of just in in the same direction, can you you know, improving one's ability to embrace change, and, you know, build our inner resilience and using emotions to work for us and not against us? You know, we would we would define those components as success in the workplace. And so, can you share some strategies about how we can do this more effectively?

Sylvia Baffour  12:51  
Yeah, absolutely. You know, I do think that those are indeed the keys to success in the workplace, right, your ability to how are you embracing change and building your own inner resilience and using those emotions to work for you? And I think, you know, Veronica, I think that far too often? What what gets overlooked? Right? And what doesn't get enough value? I think is, is is this, think about this? What do you say to yourself, in uncomfortable moments that you experience as you're riding through those challenging, unpredictable, uncertain moments of your life? Right? 

Like, what what are you saying to yourself, and I think one of the most overlooked strategies, which is so simple, and yet hard to practice, is what I call minding the monologue, you know, how aware Are you of the conversations you're having with yourself, when you're in those challenging and uncomfortable moments, you know, and, and I think it's important for us to think about that, we need to find inner resilience and manage emotions productively, but the first thing that escapes us in those difficult times, is our self talk, you know, we stopped being aware of the conversation we're having with ourselves. And that's what actually influences the the thing we do in the very next moment. So I think it's so important for us to not lose control of our ability to have productive conversations with ourselves while we were riding the waves of discomfort. 

You know, I'll give an example of how important this strategy is of self talk. It sounds so simple, but it's so powerful. So recently, actually, it was more like two years ago, right before the pandemic, I was doing a keynote presentation. It was a 90 minutes emotional intelligence talk for some folks who had convened from around the world 500 IT professionals in the tech space. And I remember, I deliberately waited until 75 minutes into my presentation, right? So it's a 90 minute talk. I waited until 75 minutes into my presentation to call on two women who was sitting at the very back of the room who looked the most comfortable. And and I there were two chairs in actually there were three but two that were deliberately left empty in the front row. And at the 75 minute mark, I stopped what I was seeing. 

And I asked these two women to transplant themselves all the way from the back of the room to the front. And and you can imagine the unmentionables going on in their heads as they were dragging themselves, you know. And and and it's interesting because one of the ladies turned around and went to sit back down. So the lady who made it all the way to the front and sat in the front row. You know, I said to her, I said, Ma'am, would you mind giving us an idea of what was going through your mind as you were walking from the back to the front of the room? And she said, You know that I don't know if you want to know know what I was thinking. And of course, we all want to know. 

And she said, I was thinking why Sylvia, moving us, we've gotten so comfortable where we are, I know my neighbors, happy hours and 13 minutes, and it was right after my presentation. Now unbeknownst to this lady, both of them I had left I had taped to $100 gift cards underneath the seats, just to give it to them as being good sports, right? And so the lady who came and sat down got the reward. But But the point of this story, Veronica's I tell you is not to say that at the end of everything uncomfortable and uncertain that we're asked to, to transplant ourselves through right? I'm not saying that at the end of everything uncomfortable. 

There's some financial reward waiting for us. But what I am seeing is we ought to pay attention to sometimes the catastrophic conversations we are having with ourselves about what lies ahead, that in the end may not even have been as bad for us as we imagined. And so if we can mind the monologue, and literally, as I go through my days, I sometimes stop and say, Sylvia, are you minding your monologue, because I'm human, right? And we all get taken over by unproductive thoughts. 

And it's really a critical strategy when it comes to in building inner resilience. If you're speaking badly to yourself, you're not going to be resilient, you're not embracing change well, right, because your human brain doesn't like uncertainty and change. And you're starting out using your emotions to work for you if you're not controlling the conversations that you have with yourself, because you hear your voice more than anyone else's in the world for your entire life. So I think that's a really important strategy that often gets overlooked. And it really can ground us in helping us be more effective in those areas.

Veronica Hill  17:04  
What a beautiful example of the point you just made. And this is exactly why I was enthralled with your book, because these are the types of examples that you give that are so easy to understand and grasp, and they're so palatable, and they make so much sense. And so if you can, if it's okay, Chapter 10 of your book, you outline 10, emotionally intelligent habits, I will let you kind of share what you titled them, but especially for Can you kind of highlight which ones would be the most effective in the virtual environment, although, as someone who is absolutely a practitioner, of all of them, if you would just kind of explain the dare to care part of these habits that you share.

Sylvia Baffour  18:02  
Yeah, absolutely. You know, I, when I wrote the book, I wanted people to walk away with something tangible, right, that they can continue to use in their lives. Because Veronica, I will say to anyone who, for instance, wanted to look at the book that if you were looking for a book that's going to make you feel like you have a PhD in emotional intelligence than my book, isn't it because I don't inundate you with the science behind the amygdala and the hippocampus in the cerebral cortex, right. I like to practice what I call sts emotional intelligence. 

It's, it's the tangible, everyday emotional intelligence that we need to help us in in those moments, we need AI most and so I came up with a what I call 10 habits, 10. Habit said, a framed around the dare to care model. And just real quick, I'll go into the 10 of them just to state them developing a practice of self reflection, you know, adjusting your monologue, recognizing your emotional triggers, embracing impact, empathic communication, taking a walk in someone else's shoes, observing how you feel, often, cultivating a curiosity about others, assessing your own assumptions, risking vulnerability, and ultimately eliminating your, what I call ego speak. 

But to answer your question, more specifically, I would highlight three in particular that I think are most valuable in the virtual environment. And that has to do with how you embrace empathic communication, developing the habit of cultivating a curiosity about others, and assessing your assumptions often. And the reason I see this, Veronica is because if you think about it, so often in the virtual environment, the way we communicate, doesn't take advantage of us seeing people's body language and reactions and emotions, right? So that makes it all the more important for us to, to, to, to think about how we're communicating in ways that avoid unnecessary conflict, for instance, right? So if you're embracing empathic communication, you're thinking, 

How can I use language that allows people to feel seen, heard and understood even If I disagree with them, right, because we all have a fundamental human desire to feel seen and heard, and we're living in a very polarized world where, where we don't make time to, you know, the thing is emotional intelligence is not about agreeing with people or being nice, right? It's about allowing human beings around you to feel seen and heard. Because guess what, if I allow you to feel seen and heard as I communicate with you, chances are you're going to hear me a lot better than if I'm careless with my language and putting you on the defensive, because then all you're doing is spending your energy defending your turf. So I think it's also critical for us to think about, whenever you have a gap in understanding or knowledge, right, as we all do, we tend to fill that with assumptions. So can you and it's human nature to do that, right? 

We have to make assumptions and judgments because we got to make decisions in life. But I want to challenge your listeners to think about this. When you when I say get curious about others. When you make judgments about other people, can you get a bit more curious about your judgments instead of simply being attached to them? So So when a judgment surfaces in your head, you say, Hmm, I wonder why I'm thinking this about Veronica or the situation, because I guarantee just interrogating the judgment in your head will open your mind to ways of thinking that perhaps you hadn't thought about because you were still previously attached to how you are judging a situation or someone else. So these are really important skills we can use in the virtual environment, communicating with empathy, assessing the assumptions we're making, can you assume positive intent, can you get more curious than attached to your judgments?

Veronica Hill  21:34  
Silvia this has been completely enlightening and insightful and I know for me you know even someone who studies and practices you know, emotional intelligence or as you as you just labeled it st Ei amazing. There it is. That's a I've not heard that before but that is exactly what I do as well but even still, um, your perspective is so expansive and I know that the listeners are definitely going to eat all of this up and so you've shared so much and so kind of as we wrap this up a two part question is where can our listeners find you and connect with you? And more importantly, where can they find the book? And then kind of the second part of that is please if you have any last parting wisdom for us, please feel free to do that. You've been such a gem and and a Pandora's box of information, and enlightenment so if you can just leave us with something please do?

Sylvia Baffour  22:35  
Well, thank you for you know, you're very kind. You're living and breathing emotional intelligence, Veronica, if I might say, so I'm sure the listeners would agree. I would say you can find me I'm pretty active on LinkedIn. So if they just if you just type in Sylvia Balfour in LinkedIn, you should find me and I love to connect. So please reach out. Don't be shy. I'm also discoverable on Instagram as well. Again, either Sylvia speaks or Sylvia Balfour. Both will take you there. And my website is Silvia speaks.com. 

And if you if you're interested in the book, in particular, you're welcome to get it on Amazon. But if you'd like an autographed, personally autographed copy, then you can get that via my website directly at Silvia speaks.com. forward slash book, and I'm sure that will be written in the details. And at the time that you listen to this until the 10th of September, I'm going to be offering a 20% discount special to go along with your autographed copy if it's if it's ordered through the site directly because I have no no control over what Amazon does on their end. But then sort of jumping into the second part of your question Veronica, I would love to leave the listeners with so much right but in the interest of time, I would say this guys remember always that emotional intelligence is not a destination we arrive at it right? It is, it is a constant journey for the rest of our lives. 

We we can grow that emotional intelligence muscle, like any other muscle, it requires deliberate practice, right? And so I like to see that you do not need emotional intelligence in times in your life that are peachy and rosy and everything is firing on all cylinders and your life feels fantastic. You don't need AI then we all need emotional intelligence in those in inconvenient and uncomfortable moments of our lives. When it is kind of inconvenient to be emotionally intelligent. I mean, think about it. It's not always convenient when you are triggered emotionally to manage that versus just flying off the handle right by default. It's not easy to have a conversation with somebody and show them empathy while you disagree with them. So he your AI skills will be most needed and most use in those uncomfortable and inconvenient times of your life when when you must call upon them because our human nature will default to not so nice ways of being. So remember that and finally I would see I would encourage you if you think about negative emotions you feel quote unquote negative emotions. 

Think Have them as difficult emotions, not negative. Because Veronica, if you think about it, anything negative we want to escape from, and all the emotions we have within us are meant to be experienced, even the difficult ones because they're there to teach us something. We rarely ever learn things about ourselves in those moments of positivity. So I would encourage you to not use the word negative, but use the word, I'm experiencing something difficult and sit with it, learn from it, ride the wave, because you'll be better on the other side of it. Thank you so much for having me. This has really been a fun conversation.

Veronica Hill  25:33  
Sylvia, thank you so much for joining us in support of the Center for the advancement of virtual organizations. We truly, truly appreciate your insights. And we know our listeners are going to benefit from this conversation greatly. So thank you.

Sylvia Baffour  25:50  
Oh, absolutely. Thank you for the honor and the privilege of your listening ear. Thank you.