Coping with the Loss of a Beloved Goat or Pet

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Description 

Losing a beloved animal—whether a goat, dog, cat, or any other companion—can be absolutely heartbreaking. In this episode of For the Love of Goats, I’m joined by Beth Bigler, a double-certified Pet Loss Grief Counselor, animal companion end-of-life doula, and trained pet chaplain. Beth is also the author of the upcoming book Honoring Our Animals: 365 Meditations for Healing After Pet Loss (out June 3 from Quarto Books), and the creator of the popular Instagram account @honoringouranimals.

Together, we discuss how grief over losing an animal is real, valid, and deserving of support. Beth shares insights from her years of working with grieving pet owners, veterinary professionals, and animal care workers—and how we can start to heal after a loss. Whether you’re currently grieving or want to better support someone who is, this conversation is filled with compassion, honesty, and practical tools for navigating this tender experience.

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Transcript

Intro  0:02  
For the love of goats, we are talking about everything goat, whether you’re a goat owner, a breeder, or just a fan of these wonderful creatures. We’ve got you covered. And now here’s Deborah Niemann,

Deborah Niemann  0:18  
Hello everyone, and welcome to today’s episode, I am very excited today, because we’re taking things in a little different direction than normal. We’re going to be talking to Beth Bigler, who is a certified pet loss grief counselor, also a certified end of life animal companion doula and a trained pet chaplain. She works with individuals and families before, during and after the loss of their beloved animal companions, and she also works closely with animal care workers, veterinary professionals and other pet industry brands on grief training and awareness. Welcome to the show today, Beth.

Beth Bigler  0:54  
It’s great to be here, and thank you for helping to normalize and validate this kind of grief. 

Deborah Niemann  0:59  
I am so glad you’re here. You know, I’ve had animals basically my whole life. When I was a little girl, it was like dogs and cats, and then for the last 23 years, it has been quite the menagerie on our farm. And I know, like, I’m getting choked up here, even starting to talk about it. And this was like, I think, 13 years ago, when I lost my goat Coco, like I am, I’m getting all choked up now just talking about it. And, you know, people don’t understand that, because a lot of people are like, well, it’s just a goat.

You’ve got 30 like, why are you upset that you lost this one? And I explain it to people by saying, you know, when you hear that a person died, if it’s somebody that you didn’t know very well, or you were not very close to, you’re not going to be that upset. But there are some people in your life that you will be very upset about, you know, and that’s what CoCo was like for me, you know? She was really, really special. So now that we’ve gotten started off on this foot. Tell us a little bit about what inspired you to become a pet loss grief counselor, and what is that even?

Beth Bigler  2:09  
Well, first of all, I just want to say about dear Coco. You know, it sounds like her impact in your life is enormous, right? And that’s, I think, the thing when we ever we get into just a dog, just a cat, comments, just a goat, just a bunny, just a bird, right? Is that we are not really validating all the immense ways that any of our animals improve our lives, enhance our lives, the gifts they give us, the lessons they teach us, and, frankly, the intimacy we share with them. There’s a physical proximity, there’s an emotional intimacy, you know, you might have told Coco things you didn’t tell any other human, right? So it’s really powerful to remind ourselves and to validate our own grief that, hey, you know, the relationship with her and any of my beloved animals can be as meaningful to me as a human. So can I validate that before I go on?

Deborah Niemann  2:57  
Yes. Thank you very much.

Beth Bigler  3:01  
Well, you know, not many little girls grow up thinking, I’d love to become a pet loss grief counselor when I grow up. And I came out of a more artistic background. I had a long career in Hollywood creating film and television projects, but I also was gifted with my soulmate, cat, Arnie, who is an incredible being full of wisdom and light and love, and unfortunately, Arnie, when he was only 11, had a really crappy diagnosis, bad prognosis, and immediately my world felt like a tailspin. I didn’t know how to even exist in a world without him. It felt very overwhelming.

So I sought out my own pet loss grief counseling experience and benefited tremendously from the work, and unfortunately, he died unexpectedly of a different condition a year later. And when that happened, I realized, wow, this is the most profound relationship of my life. This is the most profound loss I’ve experienced, and I’m called to do this work, and so I basically changed around my whole life.

Started doing a bunch of training and opened my private practice, and now I work with individuals and families before, during, and after the loss of their beloved animals, and I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients, and I absolutely love helping people support a grief that is often minimized and invalidated and dismissed by much of society. 

Deborah Niemann
And so, what exactly do you do? 

Beth Bigler
Well, you know, when people come to me, they are often experiencing all kinds of different sort of symptoms, right? Many people are experiencing feelings of guilt, feelings of questioning, you know, could I have done more? Should I have done more? Many of them are struggling with euthanasia decisions that they made or will be making. Many people are very concerned about how they’re grieving. So, you know, am I normal, or is this weird? Or, you know, are these things I’m experiencing? Am I losing my mind, or is this grief?

And so I spend a lot of time helping educate people about kind of what we experience when we’re grieving, and then really pinpointing very specific coping strategies and tools and things they can actively do to help themselves emotionally and physically and spiritually and most importantly for me, I like to help people learn about building their relationship with their beloveds even after their transition.

So helping people find ways to feel connected, finding ways to ritualize and memorialize our beloveds and keep them included in our lives, all of our animals have impacted us in so many ways that, you know, I don’t want anyone closing the door on all of those gifts, guidance, lessons and teachings. So I also love to work with people to help them find ways to feel continued connection, closeness, and collaboration with their beloveds.

Deborah Niemann  5:36  
That’s awesome. So what exactly is the difference then, between a grief counselor and a doula?

Beth Bigler  5:41  
Well, you know, typically doulas on the end-of-life side, they are there to support anything about the end-of-life process, right? So in the grief counseling hat, a version of that. It’s anticipatory grief counseling. So there I’m helping people kind of do three things. Number one, we’re centering the animal in their experience. So we are centering, making sure the animal has a sense of normalcy and has a sense of having good days, even if things are challenging, and helping the Guardian and their beloved feel connected at that time. Because sometimes, when we’re facing an end-of-life experience, we can kind of start disconnecting a little bit, even subconsciously.

And then we’re also working on any logistical or practical complexities, medical decisions or treatment ideas, and even the logistics around how we want their deaths to go, if we’re going to be planning a euthanasia, things like that. And then, of course, we’re supporting the guardian. There’s so many feelings that come up in the anticipatory side of grief, powerlessness, fear, dread, uncertainty, when will it happen? What will I do? And the fear of what will life be like? You know, when they’re not Earthside.

So in my work as a whole, on the anticipatory side, that’s what I do. And the doula training is part of that. Doulas are there to help support emotionally and physically and spiritually, all the different aspects sort of leading up to the end of life side of things. So the counseling tends to have more sort of strategies and tools that we might use coming from a more kind of counselor perspective. And the doula is often like, if you’ve heard of a birth doula somewhere to kind of assist in this transition for life. Death doulas are considered people who help with that transition to death as well. So I use a combination of a lot of different types of training and skills when I’m working with people on the anticipatory side.

Deborah Niemann  7:17  
And then a lot of people probably feel a lot of pressure to just get over it. And what would you say to them?

Beth Bigler  7:25  
Well, I’d say to you, if you’re feeling pressured to get over it, my first question would be, who taught you that? Like, where’s that voice coming from? You know, we do a lot of shoulding. I’m putting that in quotes. Shoulding all over ourselves. I should be better by now. It’s been three weeks. I should feel happy. I should be able to go out and enjoy time with my friends and not feel sad, and they put a lot of pressure.

So the number one thing I say to anybody that’s struggling with, why am I not over it, is to really welcome in some self compassion. And by self compassion, a good way to start there is just talking to yourself like you talk to a friend. You know, if a friend came to you and said, I’m really grieving, you know, my goat has transitioned, and I’m just really struggling every time I go out there. I’m feeling sad about it. If someone came and said that to you, you’d probably say, That sounds really difficult. I’m so sorry. Would you like a hug? I’m here for you. You know, that’s what we say to people we love. And yet somehow, when it’s us, for many of us, we’re like, Well, you just gotta stiff up her lip and get through it, you know?

And so we really want to start being kinder to ourselves, start treating ourselves the way that we would, you know, treat others, and just really sit in the deep knowledge that your grief is valid, your grief is profound, your grief is real, and there’s no correct timeline for how long you will grieve and mourn. It’s different for everybody. Also, we often compare ourselves to other people well so and so, you know, had a death in their family, and they seem to be doing great. And listen, everybody grieves differently. Everybody has different grief expressions. And so we also want to be really mindful to not be comparing our experience to others, which is a kind of a natural thing that a lot of us end up doing when we’re grieving in any situation.

Deborah Niemann  8:55  
Yeah, exactly. And I think in so many parts of life, we compare ourselves to other people and feel like we should be doing things faster, better, easier, you know, all the stuff. So do you have any practical tips for somebody who might be grieving the loss of a goat or other pet?

Beth Bigler  9:13  
Well, of course, and I love the idea that we can take little things, little tips, little tiny adjustments to our day and really bring our self support. One of the biggest things we’re going to say is, of course, feel your feelings. You know, validate your feelings. We were just talking about that whatever you’re feeling at any given day, try to make some room for it. Try to make some space for it, and try to greet it without judgment, you know, allow your feelings to move through you, and just acknowledge to yourself it’s okay that I’m feeling the things and also, you know, really tend to your physical care.

A lot of people don’t know how intensely physical a grief experience can be, and also on our brains. So you might notice, you might feel kind of foggy in your brain, or you’re making mistakes spelling words. Well, that’s because your brain’s having a really hard time with this adjustment. So being extra kind to yourself, resting, nourishing, hydrating, those kind of basics.

And then also, I’m a big fan of keeping your beloved included in your life, and that may look different for everybody, but not being afraid to say their name or to greet them. You know, if you always were used to going out and greeting them in the morning and calling them by name, it’s okay to go out and say their name again when you’re out with your other goats, right? Uh, including them in your day-to-day. Your brain and your body and your heart miss including them in their day-to-day. So continuing to include them in little ways.

Everybody does that differently. Some people like to light a candle, you know, at a certain time of the evening and just say a few loving words. I love writing. I love writing letters to our beloveds and from our beloveds. I love making lists of like the top 10 lessons you’ve learned from your beloved and putting it somewhere up where you can see and, of course, having artwork that’s related to them, or key chain, anything little that reminds you of them in your day-to-day is very powerful.

Probably my favorite thing is that when you go for coffee or takeaway food to use their name at the barista, so you know, when you go pick up your coffee in the morning, someone shouts out, “order for Coco.” The whole room can hear Coco’s name, and you can get a laugh and a smile and say, I love you, Coco. That’s one of my favorite things to do. 

Deborah Niemann  11:13  
I love that tip. That is great. So I was at a workshop once a long time ago, and the guy leading it said, How many of you can’t stand the idea of a dead animal? And some people raised their hands, and he said, Well, then don’t get any livestock, because they all wind up dead. And I was like, Oh my gosh, that’s brutal, but he’s right. And I think that’s one thing that like, when you’ve got livestock, you deal with death a lot more because, you know, if you only have a dog or a couple of dogs or cats or whatever, you might have to deal with death like maybe once every 10 years.

But if you’ve got 30 goats, as you know, as they start getting older or have things happen, you could be dealing with death a lot more than what any of us are used to. And I know it’s really hard for people in the beginning, because we’re just not used to that. So how can we prepare better for that inevitable loss that we’re going to have with the animals?

Beth Bigler  12:13  
Well, you know, his delivery method was pretty intense, but I think you know what he’s getting out there is, is really important. And you know, the truth is, any animal that we welcome into our lives, we know that our goodbye begins the day they come home, and so we know that this beloved of ours is going to make a transition. We don’t know where, we don’t know when, but it’s going to happen.

And that sounds very simple, but the first piece of sort of preparing is to accept this. Is to say, Okay, I know this is coming, and we are going to make the most of the time we have. We’re going to enjoy our time together, and we’re going to try to stay really present. You know, I think for a lot of people, when they know they’re going to be experiencing, we’d call it compounded loss, you know, grief on top of grief on top of grief, it’s really powerful to do things to help yourself remain in the present, in the right here, right now. And for some people, that’s, you know, practicing mindfulness skills and even the mantra “right here, right now” is one.

I just love to say “right here, right now, we’re enjoying our time together.” Just keeping grounding yourself back to present, because it can be very intimidating if you say to yourself, whoa, I’m going to have to experience 30 deaths. You know? I mean, that is an overwhelming idea, so trying our best not to future trip about it.

I also think it’s powerful when I work with people who have livestock or have large animal menageries, as you say, it’s a very powerful to have some sort of kind of ritual or memorialization option as well for yourself. So several people I work with love to like paint rocks and have like a little rock garden for any of their animals who transition. And so they can just have like a little place to go on their property, to kind of acknowledge each one of them. And even if you just paint one rock when it happens and add it to your garden, it’s a place you can go to kind of feel connected, feel close and honor all of your beloveds who’ve transitioned.

And I think it’s also powerful to really feel close to their connection, close to who they are when they’re Earth side, and then also after their transition, to really view them as still sort of part of your crew, part of your family. And to, you know, have that feeling, and I don’t mean that in like an afterlife belief way. I mean it kind of in an energy way that, you know, any animal that comes into our life I view as part of a snowball, and every animal we’ve ever loved from the very beginning is kind of in that snowball, and that we are all constantly evolving together, and they are with us.

And I think having all the gratitude, you know, for our ability to know them and love them in the first place is a really great place to start in terms of preparedness, because if we’re feeling good and grateful about our time with them while they’re here, when they transition, it will be hard, and eventually we’ll be able to tap back into that gratitude and the joy of having known them in the first place.

Deborah Niemann  14:44  
Yeah, so you decided to write a book to help people through this. Can you tell us a little bit about your book honoring our animals?

Beth Bigler  14:52  
I would love to. My book is a really exciting project. I was approached by Quarto Books, the publisher, and we collaborated together on writing it. Here it is, and it’s called, Honoring Our Animals: 365 Meditations for Healing After Pet Loss.

And what it is, it’s a daily reader, and it’s really designed to be kind of like a gift book that you can give to someone if they’ve experienced a loss, with helpful things to do and to try. And so every day, there’s a little entry with a little meditation that they can read, take a reflection beat. And there’s also an invitation, which is an action step. You can take a concrete thing. You can do a little tip – like order in the coffee with the name on it – for every day of the year.

And this explores, obviously, our connection with our beloveds. It also explores what to do with big symptoms. You know, sometimes you have anger, sometimes you have longing, sometimes you have anniversaries of events, you know, things like that, so you can explore what to do to help cope with your grief feelings. Also, there’s a lot in here about sort of self discovery and identity. Sometimes when we have a big loss, we can kind of feel like, oh, you know, who am I without my beloved? So those are kind of some of the key points.

And it’s also got an index in the back, which is something I’m really excited about. That means, if you’re having a day where you’re like, I’m just feeling really jealous about other people who don’t experience this kind of loss like I’m having, you can go to the back and look up jealousy and read a few entries about that, or you might say, I’d really like to do an art project about my goat today. You can go to the back and look at art and come up with some ideas for that as well.

So there’s just a lot of different ways to use the book, but it’s very digestible. One of the problems with grief books is they read like textbooks sometimes, and it can be overwhelming when you’re having a hard time. So I love that these are short, little digestible bites to kind of give you some inspiration and empowerment to help you get through your day. So the other thing about it doesn’t matter how long your loss has been, if it’s recent or if it’s years ago, there’s something here for everybody and inclusive to every type of animal and relationship. 

Deborah Niemann  16:42  
Yeah, one thing that surprised me, well, I was thinking like, Oh, when I open the book, it’s gonna say day one, you’ve just lost your beloved pet. And it doesn’t, it’s a calendar, so it starts with January 1 and goes through the year. Why did you decide to structure it like that? 

Beth Bigler  16:58  
First of all, I really wanted to validate that this kind of grief is not like a one-day experience or a one-month experience. I think it’s very powerful to say, Hey, this is an entire year of support, because you know you’re going to actually grieve forever, but here you have a whole year of support. I think it’s very powerful just about how important this grief is to say that and to show that and say we need a long time to support this. For me, what I notice in my clients, the seasons of the year are stirring in different ways for our grief.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but you know, for some people, like when fall comes, lots of things get stirred up about, you know, the leaves coming off the trees and things sort of dying and going to that hibernation mode, right? So for some people, spring can feel kind of activating, because everything’s blooming and happy, but I feel sad. So I think it’s really powerful to have something with you every single day through every single season.

Also, for many people, they’re looking for ritual. They’re looking for like, How can I tend to and nurture my grief every day? And so by having a daily sort of check in with yourself and honoring of your grief and your beloved, it gives you something to do that feels connected and supportive. So that’s another reason I really like the structure. There’s a lot of things I like about having something to go to every day to feel supported. 

Deborah Niemann  18:12  
All right, were there any particular stories that inspired any of the exercises in the book?

Beth Bigler  18:16  
Well, most of these exercises in the book are not necessarily from clients I’ve worked with. They’re mostly techniques that I have developed over the years of doing my work and finding what has resonated with people that I’ve worked with. And there’s a range of things, you know, I think one of the things just in our culture in general, because our culture is kind of grief illiterate, death illiterate. You know, we don’t know much about grieving and mourning. Many of us didn’t talk about it much growing up in our families.

So just the common question I get is, what do I do, like, literally, what do I do with my grief, with my feelings? So what I wanted to provide here were a range of things that you can try. And so, you know, there’s things like, things to try in nature, things to do out even like going and kind of grieving with a tree, which sounds kind of wild, but, you know, there are some things that are a little more out of the box, like that.

And then there’s some things that are very straightforward, kind of, some writing exercises, some journal prompts you can do for exploration, as I mentioned, art, creativity, that’s a really helpful thing in grief, when we do things that have like beginning, middles and ends and have a process. So I have a lot of activities like that suggested in there. And, you know, also dealing with some of the deeper, harder stuff feels. Like, what do I do when I feel really angry and I just want to get my anger out?

Well, I give you some ideas for things you can practically go do to release your anger. Like, for example, one of the things you can do is just write a list, I am angry because, and you just write it down over and over, I am angry because. I’m angry because, and you let it all out, and then you can decide if you want to tear it up and throw it away. So it’s really just a combination of knowing what many people are struggling with in their grief and finding tools and activities and rituals that feel supportive to it.

Deborah Niemann  19:50  
Alright. Is there anything in particular that someone could do if they’re anticipating the upcoming loss of an animal? Because sometimes we know ahead of time, you know that an animal. Is declining. Can people do anything to help in that stage? 

Beth Bigler  20:04  
Well, I think to help yourself is to remind yourself that when you know it’s coming, when there is a decline, to remind yourself that you are grieving. It’s called anticipatory grief, and this is a real grief, and profound grief. Some people say, Well, why am I having such a hard time? They’re not gone yet. Well, that’s because you have grief coming up, and anticipatory grief has specific sort of symptoms and things that really impact people’s lives. So I think the first thing to do is acknowledge, hey, I’m having a grief experience.

Another thing is to reach out for help. If you have anybody in your life who’s supportive. It’s really powerful to be able to talk to trusted people, talk to people who will hear you, and to just express what’s going on, even if you’re feeling very powerless. One thing I will say is that when we’re having anticipatory grief, we very often feel like things are a little out of control, because we don’t always know exactly how things are going to progress or how things are going to go.

So focusing on what you can control, and I always remind people, you can control how you’re treating yourself. You can control how well you’re taking care of yourself. You can control how you are taking care of your animal and what your interactions with them are. And you know, I always like talking to our animals, telling them like, what to expect, telling them that you’re going to be there for them, reassuring them.

For many people, having like, open line of communication tends to feel really nice, as opposed to just, you know, you’re kind of hiding it all away and not really sharing so also just being very open with your animal and telling them you know what’s next and that you’re going to be there to support them can be really helpful if you’re anticipating a loss. 

Deborah Niemann  21:31  
What is one big takeaway that you would love every reader to get from your book?

Beth Bigler  21:38  
I hope every reader emerges from the pages of the book feeling really empowered in their grief. I hope everybody emerges feeling like this loss is real, what I’m experiencing is common, and I am allowed to grieve my beloved for as long as I need and in any way I need. I hope people feel excited to have different grief expressions and to find ways to grieve that feel meaningful and valid and authentic to them. I hope everybody emerges from the book with a sense of self compassion and love, not only for their beloved but for themselves.

Deborah Niemann  22:14  
Awesome again, the name of your book is

Beth Bigler  22:18  
Honoring Our Animals: 365 Meditations for Healing after Pet Loss. 

Deborah Niemann  22:24  
And if somebody wants to get in touch with you, how can they find you? 

Beth Bigler  22:29  
Well, if you’re a fan of Instagram, I have a great Instagram community happening that’s at Honoring Our Animals. I post twice-a-day content related to animal grief, and I also host monthly memorial services where you can submit the name of any of your beloveds, and I will read their name during one of my live services.

I also do holiday gatherings, because holidays can sometimes be hard for grievers. So you can come participate in any of my live events. Also, from there, you can find my website. I have a weekly newsletter to encourage people, and a lot of downloads that you can also download for more tips and ideas. So Instagram is a great way to find me, or my website, which is honoringouranimals.com. 

Deborah Niemann  23:05  
Awesome. I’m sure a lot of people found this really helpful, and hopefully feel more normal now about grieving that very special goat or other animal that has been in their life.

Beth Bigler  23:17  
Totally, you are so welcome. Thank you, and here’s to Coco.

Deborah Niemann  23:23  
And that’s it for today’s show. If you haven’t already done so, be sure to hit the subscribe button so that you don’t miss any episodes. To see show notes, you can always visit for the love of goats.com, and you can follow us on facebook at facebook.com/love goats podcast. See you again next time, Bye, for now.