18. How to Tell the Difference Between a Character Flaw and a Personality Trait

EPISODE DESCRIPTION:     

The self-love, self-acceptance, and self-actualization movement is a good thing. However, unless we can tell the difference between what is a true personality trait versus what is a character flaw, we run the risk of causing harm to or being harmed by others. 

It's quite common in today's climate for people to claim that a particular character flaw is in fact a virtue, or part of their essential self. This created a lot of confusion and turmoil in relationships, and disrupts our ability or willingness to work on our true character defects. 

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Transcript

THE STORYTELLER’S MISSION WITH ZENA DELL LOWE

EP. 18: How to Tell the Difference Between a Character Flaw and a Personality Trait

PODCAST TRANSCRIPT

Published July 2, 2020

00:00

INTRO: 

Hello, and welcome to The Mission with Zena Dell Lowe, a podcast for artists and storytellers about changing the world for the better through story. 

00:12

TOPIC INTRODUCTION: 

So, last week, we were unpacking what it looks like to have affirmations and we talked about how affirmations, first and foremost, must be true. The purpose of affirmations is not to feed a false view of self, but to encourage self-acceptance and self-love. We also talked about how words of affirmation are one of the primary key tools that we can use to combat the negative messages of the inner critic that may be trying to destroy you. Somehow, you are being sabotaged by your inner critic, and I want to free you from that sort of oppression. 

00:54

PRESENTATION: 

Having said that, I now want to look at a slightly different angle when it comes to affirmations. And I'm not exactly sure how to characterize it other than to say that there are certain messages that are now so predominant in our society that we've stopped questioning them, and we actually have begun to use them as justification for some really untoward behavior. Let me try to explain what I mean. We live in a current climate of self-love. Everybody is advocating that we just embrace ourselves in our authentic selves and love ourselves as we truly are. Now, these are good messages, but it's easy to take these positive messages and either intentionally or unintentionally put a slight twist on them so that now, they're used as weapons to stave off criticism or to stave off feedback or to embrace what might be perceived by the world as self-confidence or one's true self, when in reality, it isn't self-confidence or authenticity. It is something else, something far more sinister. We truly do want to embrace self-love, right? I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. We're supposed to grow in our acceptance of ourselves, in our grace to ourselves. We're supposed to accept our flaws and not be so hard on ourselves and not be so critical of ourselves and not shame ourselves when we fail. We start growing in our acceptance when we stop beating ourselves up for these little things that we would never say to other people, but we readily enough rake ourselves over the coals for. I mean, we just polarize our spirits when we speak to ourselves in the manner in which we often speak to ourselves, and I don't think that's godly. I don't think God wants us to do that to ourselves. So, the idea, of course, is that we want to stop doing these things, and we want to grow in self-acceptance and self-love. It's a good movement. 

03:00

But the flip side of that is when we use this idea of self-love and self-acceptance to intentionally or unintentionally justify holding on to our character flaws, our sins, or our harmful behaviors, when we embrace these things as being part of our true nature rather than seeing them as things we ought to address because they're character flaws, and we need to reform them or change them, or strive to change them as best we can. So, in a way, the question becomes: what is the true "us" that we're supposed to accept and embrace? And what is the "us" that we're supposed to reject and keep going away from? What are the flaws that we're supposed to stave off or shave off or somehow rid ourselves of? Moreover, how do we know the difference? Because what happens is, and I've heard this kind of thing a lot, is that people will say things like, "Well, you just don't accept me as I am, and this is who I am. So, I'm not the one who needs to change. You are." And then it turns out that this person is, say, an alcoholic or is somehow otherwise engaged on a regular basis in some kind of unhealthy or harmful behavior that causes damage to himself or to others: someone who smokes pot on a regular basis, for example, whose usage now constitutes a breach of intimacy with their partner, because it's impossible to truly emotionally connect with someone if one of the partners is always high. And maybe that partner says to their spouse, "Hey, I feel like you're using too much and it's kind of affecting our relationship." Well, suppose that spouse then says, "Well you knew that I used before you got married to me. And this is who I am. And if you don't like it, then you shouldn't have married me in the first place." What are you supposed to do with that? Or here's one that I heard recently from a young gal who just started dating a young man, and apparently this is becoming a very popular thing for people to claim in culture right now, so it's a relevant issue, I suppose. But this guy told her at the beginning of the relationship, "I'm polyamorous," meaning, "I'm not monogamous, I'm polyamorous," which is somehow different, I guess, than being in an open relationship. However, that's what he told her, and then he went on to say, "If you want to be with me, you have to accept that about me, even though it's killing you." 

05:37

And so, this climate of self-acceptance and self-actualization and becoming one's authentic self has actually become a playground, whereby people are claiming character flaws to be virtues. Problematic behavior becomes part of the essential self, and it becomes this weapon that staves off any criticism of that person's behavior, and they can become very confusing. It can also become confusing when people start criticizing you of things that are basic personality traits, but the other person makes out as a character flaw. For example, my girlfriend, whose boyfriend recently chided her for being an introvert in a way that made her sound selfish and rude for needing some time to herself in order to fill back up and regain her energy. And by the way, my girlfriend was a complete basket case by the time she called me. She felt terrible about herself. She felt like she was doing something terribly wrong and that she was fundamentally flawed in her core. He managed to turn it around on her and to make it seem like she had a character flaw because she's an introvert. He even expressed that she was unreasonable, that she made demands that were impossible because she's an introvert, and that she is a problem in a primary way, because of who she is at her core. He also basically said to her, "Well, I'm an extrovert and that's what you signed up for. So, if you want to go to the other room and be antisocial and not talk to anyone, that's fine, but don't try to stop me from being social. That's who I am. You're trying to change me. You're not accepting me as I am." Which was ironic given that he seemed to be guilty of doing what he was claiming she was doing. But more importantly, that wasn't the issue. That was a twisting. He abused the whole situation. He abused it in that moment. He made her introversion into a weapon to shame her into silence or submission. He took a personality trait, he twisted it, and he made it into a character flaw issue. So, oftentimes we're left wondering, "Well, is this thing a character flaw or is it a personality issue?" I mean, it just gets so confusing. 

08:08

This leads me to what I really want to say, and that is that using affirmations incorrectly will lead to confusion at home. I mean, you can see how this gets confusing, right? Is it wrong to be an introvert? Of course not. However, it would be wrong if my friend had used her introversion as an excuse to be rude or dismissive or abusive of somebody else, or to become a hermit or to justify any number of potentially harmful behaviors. But the same is true for extroversion. It's not wrong to be an extrovert. That's a personality trait. But it is wrong to do what my friend's boyfriend did, which is to use his extroversion as an excuse to emotionally neglect and dismiss your significant other or to accuse them of trying to control you or manipulate you or suppress you and your extrovert nature simply because you asked for some time alone with them to resolve a conflict that exists between you. And these are the types of things that happen. And we get confused in our real lives, in our real relationships, because so very often, we don't know the difference between the two. We allow other people to confuse us about which is which. We actually end up believing them, that our personality trait in question is a character flaw, and vice versa.

09:43

I believe what has happened in society is that we are constantly getting confused because we're constantly being told to love ourselves and embrace our true natures, but we aren't thinking through what that really means or how our true selves contain true depravity in addition to true dignity. We don't understand the dichotomy of the human person, and that we are composed of both true dignity and true depravity, so not everything that is natural or not everything that we are at our core ought to be embraced. Some of it is bad. Some of it ought to be rejected. We are inherently selfish. We are inherently rebellious, inherently depraved, even as we are inherently valuable and fearfully and wonderfully made. However, society's confusion has rubbed off on us, and we no longer know what the difference is between a basic personality trait and a basic character flaw. As the example above shows, this actually becomes an important differentiation when we're navigating our relationships. What is the difference between a personality trait and a character flaw? That's what we're trying to get down to, because we need to work on and reform our character flaws, and we need to accept and embrace our personality traits, but we also don't want to chastise ourselves for having character flaws, nor do we want to make the mistake of claiming that all personality traits are good, while all character flaws are bad, because some personality traits also need to be worked on and reformed or softened and modified. And some character flaws need to be accepted and acknowledged and given grace. 

11:35

For example, let's say you're a perpetually late person. You are always late for everything. This is a character flaw, but it still doesn't do you any good to give your inner critic full rein in chastising you and shaming you for this flaw. And the fact that you have this flaw does not denigrate your inherent worth and value. What you don't want to do, however, is somehow turn the tables and embrace this character flaw as if it's a virtue, or start claiming it to be part of your authentic self and demanding that everyone else accept it, or else they are violating your God-given right and dignity, and they are victimizing you in some way. Instead, you want to acknowledge the issue for what it is, a character flaw, but you want to do it with grace. You want to extend the same kind of kindness to yourself that you would extend a best friend who struggled with this very same issue. You want to be gentle, gracious in a way that doesn't allow the inner critic to abuse you or keep shame on you or attack your inherent dignity and value until you feel like you are a worthless piece of crap. That is not the answer. And by the way, we also don't want to be the ones guilty of trying to make other people accept our character flaws as part of our innate, authentic selves. So, what's the solution? Well, first and foremost, we need to acknowledge what is true. And second of all, we need to do so with grace. We should always be willing to change and modify and reform and work on our flaws, but first, we have to know what they are. We have to be honest with ourselves about what they are. However, we also shouldn't berate ourselves for them. We are only human, after all. And we should be kinder to ourselves. We are so cruel to ourselves. But there is a difference here. There's a difference between being kind and gentle to ourselves, and totally embracing the character flaw as a virtue.

13:51

RECAP: 

To recap, then, the self-acceptance movement is not a bad thing. However, it does lead some people to justify some rather untoward behavior, and it can also lead people to justify their character flaws or to embrace them as virtues. And what we're trying to do with our affirmations is get rid of self-sabotage and self-abuse and embrace our authentic selves, but it's got to be our true authentic selves and not our flawed selves. 

14:23

CALL TO ACTION: 

So, I hope that this episode has cleared up some of the issues that can happen with affirmations and some of the ways that we can abuse them if we're not careful. If you have questions or if you have comments about anything pertaining to this episode or any of the other episodes, would you please reach out to me? You can do that by actually leaving a voicemail message for me on my website at www.missionranchfilms.com. On the right-hand side of the page, you're going to see something that says "podcast voicemail." If you click on that, you can leave me a voicemail. Isn't that something? I love technology. Please do that. 

15:06

OUTRO:

Until then, I want to thank you so much for joining me today. You have been listening to The Mission with Zena Dell Lowe. May you go forth inspired to change the world for the better through story.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai